just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

One more thought.

If by tonight you mean after you've had a bunch of beer...hmmmmmm. Rethink that maybe? Unless it's too late and then ignore this.

In general I like to wait to do anything with bac for a day or two after whatever the impetus is. Especially if it's something that might make me sick as a dog and feeling like dog sh*t emotionally.

Tomorrow or the next day is time enough to figure out what and how much to take. Unless you've already figured it out, in which case feel free to tell me to bugger off. Wouldn't be the first time. *sigh*

[Xadrian]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Ne/Neva Eva;1433149 wrote: Maybe you don't have to go up? Maybe you can just sit tight and let the medicine do it's not-magic and settle into a comfortable place?

What she said.

You shouldn't blame yourself for 1 little slip. It's probably a small disturbance, no big deal.
If tomorrow your feeling is that last night isn't going to be repeated sometime soon, I don't think there's any need to go up.

You maybe just had a week moment. That happens. To most of us. Me myself drank on average once a month 8 beers or so while on bac. Only to conclude the followiing day that it had not been rewarding at all. So I didn't drink for another month. And so on.

You shouldn't consider it as a problem, as long as it's only a one night stand.
Just go on and be proud of what you achieved.

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Really quick 'cause I'm off to the airport, but it's important (I think) to remember that bac doesn't make you abstinent; it makes you not addicted, and plenty of not-addicted people drink. Slippery slope? Probably. Perspective? I hope so...

:l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

ow thanks so much for your comforting replies. and no Ne, i'm sorry no buggering off over here

i wasn't afraid it'd go all wrong again. i've experienced what baclofen does, so i felt and still feel confident. i'll decide about trying to go up some tomorrow. maybe better to be safe than sorry. i i think this time it'll be different, cause my system has settled down some (in general that is, not today)

but today, oooooooowwww misery..... i would have been happy with a ninja, but instead they send the dark night or dath vader or something to avenge my drinking. i drank 6 8.5% beers.... felt this would probably be the last time for a while and just dived into it (or should i say dove?). totally nuts, cause yesterday i felt quite okay....

i was throwing op until 4 pm, when i even turned around in bed, or received a text, only the sound of the phone made me throw up. so couldn't take my baclofen until 4. fortunately a friend could walk the dog, that would've been impossible for me.
and the headache.... mommy dearest...

it's settling down some now. feel like a train wreck of course, but i'll be fine again tomorrow, or maybe the day after. and i'm all the more so happy with baclofen. i neva eva want to go back to that life again!!

:l:l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

ah Stuck, packed with fantasies about the bartender waiting for you on your bed in a teenie weenie bunny suit....?

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Hey, Jo! So sorry you're under the weather (or, in this case, under full-frontal assault by the evil forces of the Sith empire... eek). A six-pack of lager could do that to anyone in even the best of circumstances. I do hope you feel better very soon--you know, for the low, low price of EU citizenship I could be there with ibuprofen and vitamin water for you.

So I'm back here in LA after a massively delayed flight, getting in at what felt like about 5 am but was only 2 or so local time. The flight itself wasn't too bad, aided by two Jack Daniels mini bottles--the first drink(s) I'd had since the 18th. And, believe it or not, as I was nodding off on the plane I did have a few fleeting visions of the bartender in my bed. Though as a gentleman I suppose I can't really mention what she was wearing--or what she was doing. But alas, 'twas not to be, and instead found two pussycats of a different sort waiting for me. :H

Take it easy today, love.

[EDIT: much later in the evening, and so should probably be its own post, but this is really short: it is incredibly busy at the bar tonight, from early evening on, and the bartender has been sick all week so the poor thing has no voice, and yet here we are, and she's rushing around, and she just stopped in front of me for just a split second, and I don't care about anything in the world because she just said 'I wish we could talk.' We cannot, over the trumpets of the mariachi quartet and the general chatter, the basketball game on tv and the jukebox, no it's far too loud now even if she had her sweet voice still, much less now with her cold. Regardless, had to share, I guess.]

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

well, maybe it sounds weird (wouldn't be the first time, would it?) but i actually think it was kind of funny in a way, funny of the grinning type.
what a total nutcase i am! of course i knew that with every beer i was marching into a world of shit, and still drinking on sweeping away the thoughts of what i knew i was getting myself into.
i can look at this part of me now with mildness, not with judgement like before. and that's a big difference, a healing reaction, rather than a reaction that just ties the knot of self hate some more, the alkie knot.

i think it wasn't so much craving the alcohol, i kept the first beer around for a day and i felt pretty good (even with the family christmas trouble. also, my father sent an email again that i'm still figuring out how to respond to). should've just thrown the beer away, but i guess after dropping the dose some, i craved testing it. like "haha! let's see you working out now you bac you!"
more like a fatalist action in rebellion clothes.

i'll respond about that cat suit wearing sexy voice bartender that's viciously keeping my green card hubby away from me later. did you know i have a pretty sexy voice myself, especially now with the baclofen working on my throat?!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

and playing my own therapist, i got to thinking what got me into this destructive mood?

the family thing, starting with the email of my father dearest last sunday, and on wednesday the meeting withmy brother especially. i'm handling things differently lately, shutting myself off from negative vibes from others, but lost that when it came to old family mechanisms. i was processing all the anger and loneliness and hurt of others again. in the end i came to the conclusion that it wasn't my own feeling, and that i could keep it with them, but that was after it'd gone through my whole system.
and then the text of a friend in big (family) trouble at her skiing vacation.

i guess it was my old mechanism again; absorbing too much of other peoples misery, losing touch with self care in the first place, which is what's most important right now, and then internally rebelling against that by self destructiveness, the old familiar story. and in a way it worked: i got back to self care all right.

nice discovery

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Stuck, maybe you should try the "old fart booth" (https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/old-fart-booth/id526567301?mt=8), cut out the picture of you as an old fart, attach some elastic bands to it and wear it as a mask when you visit the bar. with her being a geriatrophile and all.... :H

(if i'm not being funny at all: so sorry! just consider me an alcoholic in recovery. i am supposed to fuck up when it comes to social interaction)

[StuckinLA]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

joanna_d;1434094 wrote: consider me an alcoholic in recovery. i am supposed to fuck up when it comes to social interaction)

:H:H Sounds like we're following the same recovery program.

Your suggestion is not a bad one at all, Jo! Though to be honest, given the way I feel this "morning" after drinking last night, I may not need iTunes' help playing the geriatric part. Oh, free tequila I hate you so much.

Well, I guess I'm off to find breakfast, then to the office, where I shall sequester myself until all (or at least most) of my planning for the spring is done. We shall see what happens then: will it be club soda and writing tonight, or more liquor and TV reruns? It's like every day is a mystery. Hope you and that sexy voice of yours are having a good evening, Jo. (It is evening, right? We Americans can never work out the time difference for some reason...)

:l:l:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

What's news sister?

Thinking about you!

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

hey sister, good to hear from you and curious too about how you are and how your new year thing was!

i'm okay.
last saturday i upped the bac again to 225mg, hoping the se's would be less now my system has settled down some and they are at least up to now. migraines haven't returned (although i doubt if they were plain se's, as i said before).
i'm gonna try to stick to this dose (my switch dose) at least until the end of last week, which is a month after my switch, and then see about tapering. i'm kind of anxious to start tapering, cause the se's on this dose (i find the numbness in spirit most troubling), but i want to stay on the safe side.
it feels safer like this. i guess the reason for staying on the switch dose for a while is that the baclofen still has a lot of work to do in my brain, before it's safe to go down. like you always say: it's baclofen and TIME.

still very tired, and at night trouble sleeping (also because i have to pee so fucking much every night!!). but it's getting better. if i can just lie down sometimes during the day, i'm getting more energy.
i've started reading more again, which is of course physically still quite passive, but definitely beats watching tv.

my new years eve was.... ehm.... well.... sober!
i had a visitor, so that was quite a break through after months of staying to myself mostly, felt no urge to say "ohhh i vhhant to be alone now" until way after midnight. we had a nice and quiet evening, although he gave me a cross examination about my life (he decided i should write a book about me. i can't even remember half of it :H) and also the baclofen experience.

lot's of things happening in how i'm dealing with things. i feel i have a whole new range of choice in how to react (or not react) to people and things. do you know about the 'drama triangle' (a psychological concept)? it's about that a lot, and of staying out of that triangle.
today i got another hate mail from my father and my reaction to it is different. i'm not sucked into his drama anymore.
and because my addiction is gone, the whole drama spiral inside myself is starting to crumble. i don't have to be locked inside a spiral of being my own (and other's) victim, accuser/bad guy, and rescuer anymore!
well, that's kind of a breakthrough...

i'm sorry if i'm not making any sense at all with my psycho babble.

:l

[joanna_d]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

about glowing:

last week at our christmas brunch, after my brother had left, my mother said "wait, i have something i want to show you". she came back with a picture of me at age 15 and said "this is how you're looking again now. you've got that glow again"

my friend whom i spend new years eve with, afterwards emailed me that he'd so enjoyed to see me glowing.

last sunday i met my mother in law, whom i see only at birthdays (last time before that was in november, in the middle of my bacboozing) and after i'd left she told my mother how amazing i looked, she found it almost unbelievable, and how i was glowing!

at December 28th i met a man while walking my dog. i know him a bit, he's a painter and we kind of connect and has a dog too. after my response to his asking how i was doing (replying at ease with myself and in a clear voice, even late at night! ) he kissed me (on the cheeks, he's a married man) saying he wanted to wish me happy new year in advance because i probably wouldn't be seeing him the next couple of weeks.
of course the next morning i ran into him and his wife again :H
still: sweet.

don't get me wrong, i don't feel that much glowing myself, i find it hard to submit to the numbness i'm still feeling, and the lack of energy.
but hey, it seems like something is showing....

[Xadrian]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

joanna_d;1437906 wrote: about glowing:

last week at our christmas brunch, after my brother had left, my mother said "wait, i have something i want to show you". she came back with a picture of me at age 15 and said "this is how you're looking again now. you've got that glow again"

I guess you are getting your "old" look back, which is of course your "young" look.
That's proof of your body recovering from the alcohol abuse.
I remember Anna mentioned that her skin felt and looked so much better after drinking less for a while. She even was asked for a date by a much younger man that she met in the supermarket.

Way to go, Jo!

[Hippyman]

just started with baclofen, a bit desperate

Xadrian;1431096 wrote: It appears that you can safely use baclofen for the rest of your life. A lot of muscle patients have used it fotr decades.

About the antabuse: Thanks for the tip, I hadn't thought of it. I'm completely off baclofen now. I'm very, very scared that someday I will drink some alcohol and then the bad story begins.
Maybe I could keep some Refusal at hand in the event that I would like a drink.
By the way, I guess that would also make me sick if I would eat cake that has some alcohol in it?

I will stay on baclofen for a long time, I'm sure but if/when I ever go off Antabuse is a quick go to drug that will keep me from ever drinking again. That is my goal and I will do whatever it takes to reach that goal!