just started with baclofen, a bit desperate
hi Dun, thanks! yes i am. aside from a week of flu in which finally i had a few days (thank god for pain killers and caffeine!) of boosting and digging my teeth into stuff that needed or wanted to be done (rhooooaaaarr!) to be in the floor with fever again the next, i'm doing quite well.
the last week no more nightmares. and for me, even though there was nothing "in control" about those dreams, and a lot of times i woke up gasping for air or talking or screaming "leave me alone!!!" once, those nightmares seemed actually quite healthy.
i've had quite a few nightmarish episodes in my life, before and during my alcoholism, and i felt now is apparently the time to resolve all that old pain. in the state i'm in right now, i'm able to finally process the last bits of old burden (i'd already resolved a lot of it over the years, but being a drunk has kept me locked inside a circle of misery).
so, as exhausting as they were, i thought "bring it on!". now's the time!
and so it appears to be, 'cause i feel more free every day. and rich inside. it's so good to see how so much misery in the end can turn to treasure.
okay, sorry for the halelluja's. it's a good thing i still smoke like a outboard motor (on diesel), 'cause otherwise in a few months i fear i'd be going around town wearing white sheets and sandals and bells or something. oh, and growing a beard of course.
yesterday i went to my studio for the first time in ehrr.... months.... i'd been there two months ago to meet someone (and to throw out the last garbage bags full of empty beer cans), but this time on my own, and planning to go for it anew.
phew... awkward. while i went up the stairs (i have to classrooms in a former school building) it felt like my stomach was descending.
the last few years i could only start drawing after i'd drank a few beers. and while drawing i kept on going. my studio is so invested with depression, fear, feelings of failure. also a lot of nice qualities, but they got overshadowed, at least so it felt yesterday.
started livening up the place some. whiting walls, ripping beams of a wall, so i can start drawing large format on it (on paper on it i mean), etc.
when i came home after some hours of working there, i felt so utterly lonely.
quite a confrontation with my old life (it really feels like that: my old life, my old self).
so from now on, i'll be going there, fixing up things till i feel it's okay enough and start drawing.
i have been drawing a bit over here at home, if only to feel if my fingers are still in close contact to my eyes and heart. they are.
then again, i feel i'll have to reinvent or rediscover myself as an artist. the old ways won't do it for me anymore. which is good, for years i was banging onto my boundaries, but never really got through them. and the beers helped me to live with that (until the alcohol haze went away and i saw i was still running away from myself)
but today my mom's taking me to the sauna's (spa?). i'm gonna get an hour long thai massage there as a side treat (by a man i always go to when i'm there, 'cause he knows how to work it, not the squishy squashy type. and fuck he's gorgeous to - in a way that only a masseur would be gorgeous to me)
hi Dun, thanks! yes i am. aside from a week of flu in which finally i had a few days (thank god for pain killers and caffeine!) of boosting and digging my teeth into stuff that needed or wanted to be done (rhooooaaaarr!) to be in the floor with fever again the next, i'm doing quite well.
the last week no more nightmares. and for me, even though there was nothing "in control" about those dreams, and a lot of times i woke up gasping for air or talking or screaming "leave me alone!!!" once, those nightmares seemed actually quite healthy.
i've had quite a few nightmarish episodes in my life, before and during my alcoholism, and i felt now is apparently the time to resolve all that old pain. in the state i'm in right now, i'm able to finally process the last bits of old burden (i'd already resolved a lot of it over the years, but being a drunk has kept me locked inside a circle of misery).
so, as exhausting as they were, i thought "bring it on!". now's the time!
and so it appears to be, 'cause i feel more free every day. and rich inside. it's so good to see how so much misery in the end can turn to treasure.
okay, sorry for the halelluja's. it's a good thing i still smoke like a outboard motor (on diesel), 'cause otherwise in a few months i fear i'd be going around town wearing white sheets and sandals and bells or something. oh, and growing a beard of course.
yesterday i went to my studio for the first time in ehrr.... months.... i'd been there two months ago to meet someone (and to throw out the last garbage bags full of empty beer cans), but this time on my own, and planning to go for it anew.
phew... awkward. while i went up the stairs (i have to classrooms in a former school building) it felt like my stomach was descending.
the last few years i could only start drawing after i'd drank a few beers. and while drawing i kept on going. my studio is so invested with depression, fear, feelings of failure. also a lot of nice qualities, but they got overshadowed, at least so it felt yesterday.
started livening up the place some. whiting walls, ripping beams of a wall, so i can start drawing large format on it (on paper on it i mean), etc.
when i came home after some hours of working there, i felt so utterly lonely.
quite a confrontation with my old life (it really feels like that: my old life, my old self).
so from now on, i'll be going there, fixing up things till i feel it's okay enough and start drawing.
i have been drawing a bit over here at home, if only to feel if my fingers are still in close contact to my eyes and heart. they are.
then again, i feel i'll have to reinvent or rediscover myself as an artist. the old ways won't do it for me anymore. which is good, for years i was banging onto my boundaries, but never really got through them. and the beers helped me to live with that (until the alcohol haze went away and i saw i was still running away from myself)
but today my mom's taking me to the sauna's (spa?). i'm gonna get an hour long thai massage there as a side treat (by a man i always go to when i'm there, 'cause he knows how to work it, not the squishy squashy type. and fuck he's gorgeous to - in a way that only a masseur would be gorgeous to me)
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