I have been trying desperately to give up drinking for 2 years now and in this time suffered anxiety, depression and suicidal thinking. I have ok days and for the most part of these 2 years have managed to stay sober, or dry drunk, never quite understood any of this until I experienced it! I feel I have lost sight of my qualities, my vitality and my spirit in this time which leaves me feeling stuck in a cycle of anxiety and self pity,........... it sucks to the enth degree!
When I do drink I tend to go on 2 or 3 day binges and it is not cause I want to drink any more it is just to take the anxiety away and to help me to feel! When I am sober I most definately have dysphoria and I seem to be grieving for something that is still very much alive, its in the shop, in the pub, on the tv, yet I am supposed to be putting it to rest like a recently lost relative. It once used to bring me to life, fill me with love, but now takes me away from life................. but then so does staying sober.
I am mostly desperate because I have lost that once, although only in snippets, blind faith that AA would work for me. Because i am in a cycle of negativity and fear I end up going to an AA meeting and feel even more depressed the next day, hadn't been for a week, went last night and am drinking again today, maybe it is something to do with facing my fears. "A person won't change until the fear of change is less than the fear of staying the same!" Even tho I have just managed to get a new sponsor I am fkd if I want to sit in another AA meeting. I want to sit with someone who understands that in order to tell them about my need to drink, I need to have a drink. Not quite conducive to AA. I have amazing friends who love a drink who I have pushed and pushed away because of my fear of drinking and listening to what they say in AA.
So the way I see it right now is, I am practicing a harm reduction programme, doing my best to keep it together to stay at work and drinking one to two bottles of wine a day! That is until the baclofen arrives! I feel I have done more damage trying to stay sober but being so down than I would have just keeping on drinking! I have been on and off antidepressants, anti anxiety drugs all the ones Dr A tried to no beneficial effect. I have suffered depression for about the last 25 years but equally been highly functioning and successful (probably a personality disorder) and the only time I don't feel ashamed of this and locked into this is when I have had a drink!
At least when I was a functioning alcoholic I was able to hide my dark side, live at times in the light and most importantly be loving, productive and caring. Since I have tried to stop drinking I am none of these!
Anyway enough of the I, I, I, I, I. I am fully aware this is my affliction. I just want what Dr A and many others here have achieved to get my head from out my arse and feel like I can live again, FEEL AGAIN, without fear and without alcohol.
IS THIS POSSIBLE WITH BACLOFEN?
I guess I am most afraid I will take it but still feel spiritually disconnected.
I am optimistic about the link with baclofen and autism as I have often felt very emotionally connected with alcohol and when functioning with alcohol but without alcohol I feel emotionally unable to respond, sometimes locked in by fear of expression and confused by the world around me, have felt this deep down for a long time and with the lack of alcohol dampening down the flames.............I am holding it together but very badly.
I just want back a sense of self and a sense of respect and love!
Any insight would be greatly appreciated!!!!!! Not asking much!
Ta ra! :
I still sometimes question whether I am an alcoholic because I am a lightweight or just a lost cause because I am a headcase and I don't want to fit in to normal society any more, not without booze!
When I do drink I tend to go on 2 or 3 day binges and it is not cause I want to drink any more it is just to take the anxiety away and to help me to feel! When I am sober I most definately have dysphoria and I seem to be grieving for something that is still very much alive, its in the shop, in the pub, on the tv, yet I am supposed to be putting it to rest like a recently lost relative. It once used to bring me to life, fill me with love, but now takes me away from life................. but then so does staying sober.
I am mostly desperate because I have lost that once, although only in snippets, blind faith that AA would work for me. Because i am in a cycle of negativity and fear I end up going to an AA meeting and feel even more depressed the next day, hadn't been for a week, went last night and am drinking again today, maybe it is something to do with facing my fears. "A person won't change until the fear of change is less than the fear of staying the same!" Even tho I have just managed to get a new sponsor I am fkd if I want to sit in another AA meeting. I want to sit with someone who understands that in order to tell them about my need to drink, I need to have a drink. Not quite conducive to AA. I have amazing friends who love a drink who I have pushed and pushed away because of my fear of drinking and listening to what they say in AA.
So the way I see it right now is, I am practicing a harm reduction programme, doing my best to keep it together to stay at work and drinking one to two bottles of wine a day! That is until the baclofen arrives! I feel I have done more damage trying to stay sober but being so down than I would have just keeping on drinking! I have been on and off antidepressants, anti anxiety drugs all the ones Dr A tried to no beneficial effect. I have suffered depression for about the last 25 years but equally been highly functioning and successful (probably a personality disorder) and the only time I don't feel ashamed of this and locked into this is when I have had a drink!
At least when I was a functioning alcoholic I was able to hide my dark side, live at times in the light and most importantly be loving, productive and caring. Since I have tried to stop drinking I am none of these!
Anyway enough of the I, I, I, I, I. I am fully aware this is my affliction. I just want what Dr A and many others here have achieved to get my head from out my arse and feel like I can live again, FEEL AGAIN, without fear and without alcohol.
IS THIS POSSIBLE WITH BACLOFEN?
I guess I am most afraid I will take it but still feel spiritually disconnected.
I am optimistic about the link with baclofen and autism as I have often felt very emotionally connected with alcohol and when functioning with alcohol but without alcohol I feel emotionally unable to respond, sometimes locked in by fear of expression and confused by the world around me, have felt this deep down for a long time and with the lack of alcohol dampening down the flames.............I am holding it together but very badly.
I just want back a sense of self and a sense of respect and love!
Any insight would be greatly appreciated!!!!!! Not asking much!
Ta ra! :
I still sometimes question whether I am an alcoholic because I am a lightweight or just a lost cause because I am a headcase and I don't want to fit in to normal society any more, not without booze!
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