The whole thing is impossible. Three years ago a 20 year stretch of 10+ drinks a night came to a dead stop. Just stopped, dead in its tracks. Baclofen stopped it. Antabuse stopped it. I stopped it.
Like every other alcoholic, I never really believed I could live without drinking. It was so ingrained in my life; as necessary as food, as needed as breath, as wanted as love. Every morning, as the shower slowly brought me back to life, I swore I was done, and every night I found myself making my usual run (alternating between liquor stores because I was far too embarrassed to buy my standard amount at the same one every night). I was 45, the disease was progressing, and I knew exactly how my story would end.
When you're young you can do anything. I drank every night and earned college degrees by day. Six packs, successful careers, six minute miles. Get drunk, bounce out of bed and go kick ass. No baggy eyes or shiny red face. No big gut or quivering hands. I can do this forever.
No I can't.
In my mid 30's the toll began to mount. I suddenly didn't look near as athletic. My face looked different somehow; a bit bloated with puffy eyes. My hands and fingers began to tremble. I couldn't hold a pen still anymore. I sweat, especially when I ate. I was always anxious. Every time I took my blood pressure at the grocery store it was high. I was way too tired to work out.
In my 40's everything got exponentially worse. Overall anxiety skyrocketed. Random bruises began to appear in unexplainable places. Hangover sick days became common place. Job performance nose dived. My house of cards was a summer breeze from collapse.
Of course I had tried to quit many times along the way. A month here and there, sometimes two. It always started out with the same feeling of euphoria, and it always ended with the same, "What the hell, I feel like getting drunk." I could never commit to AA. Perhaps I was too embarrassed, or thought it wouldn't work, or didn't want it to. Who knows? I was only sure of one thing..I was fucked.
Then along came Ameisen with his baclofen and this forum in June, 2009. I sputtered hard in the beginning like many of you. I titrated up full tilt and quickly got slammed by every side effect in the book. The memory loss was the worst. Hours of lecture would pass (I teach math), the board would be full, the class listening, when suddenly I would snap back existence. What had I said? I would jokingly ask my aid how the lecture went. "Great" she would say. I wasn't joking though because I didn't remember a goddamned thing.
I had to back off. Unfortunately that meant more cravings and more drinking. Problem is more drinking while on high dose baclofen is like WAY more drinking, at least hangover wise. This is where Antabuse saved me. It gave me the ability to stop drinking so I could ratchet up the baclofen.
On November 13th, 2009 I quit altogether. I got very lucky. My cravings became manageable at 150mg per day, which in retrospect seems pretty low. All side effects disappeared by December. I stayed at 150 for 2 1/2 years, too scared to move down. Six months ago I decided to decrease slowly, settling down to 100, and thankfully feeling exactly the same. I still take 125mg of Antabuse every morning. I probably always will.
No doubt this will sound funny but I give big time credit to something else for my continued sobriety: Golf. Many on the forum wonder what life will be like without alcohol. I was left with a huge void. All that time spent drunk or hungover was suddenly free. I now use a big chunk of it on the links (but still suck). Seriously, find something fun.
That's it. If you're considering baclofen, go for it. If you're already in, stick with it. Three years of sobriety speaks for itself.
Three years. Impossible.
PhotoMan
Like every other alcoholic, I never really believed I could live without drinking. It was so ingrained in my life; as necessary as food, as needed as breath, as wanted as love. Every morning, as the shower slowly brought me back to life, I swore I was done, and every night I found myself making my usual run (alternating between liquor stores because I was far too embarrassed to buy my standard amount at the same one every night). I was 45, the disease was progressing, and I knew exactly how my story would end.
When you're young you can do anything. I drank every night and earned college degrees by day. Six packs, successful careers, six minute miles. Get drunk, bounce out of bed and go kick ass. No baggy eyes or shiny red face. No big gut or quivering hands. I can do this forever.
No I can't.
In my mid 30's the toll began to mount. I suddenly didn't look near as athletic. My face looked different somehow; a bit bloated with puffy eyes. My hands and fingers began to tremble. I couldn't hold a pen still anymore. I sweat, especially when I ate. I was always anxious. Every time I took my blood pressure at the grocery store it was high. I was way too tired to work out.
In my 40's everything got exponentially worse. Overall anxiety skyrocketed. Random bruises began to appear in unexplainable places. Hangover sick days became common place. Job performance nose dived. My house of cards was a summer breeze from collapse.
Of course I had tried to quit many times along the way. A month here and there, sometimes two. It always started out with the same feeling of euphoria, and it always ended with the same, "What the hell, I feel like getting drunk." I could never commit to AA. Perhaps I was too embarrassed, or thought it wouldn't work, or didn't want it to. Who knows? I was only sure of one thing..I was fucked.
Then along came Ameisen with his baclofen and this forum in June, 2009. I sputtered hard in the beginning like many of you. I titrated up full tilt and quickly got slammed by every side effect in the book. The memory loss was the worst. Hours of lecture would pass (I teach math), the board would be full, the class listening, when suddenly I would snap back existence. What had I said? I would jokingly ask my aid how the lecture went. "Great" she would say. I wasn't joking though because I didn't remember a goddamned thing.
I had to back off. Unfortunately that meant more cravings and more drinking. Problem is more drinking while on high dose baclofen is like WAY more drinking, at least hangover wise. This is where Antabuse saved me. It gave me the ability to stop drinking so I could ratchet up the baclofen.
On November 13th, 2009 I quit altogether. I got very lucky. My cravings became manageable at 150mg per day, which in retrospect seems pretty low. All side effects disappeared by December. I stayed at 150 for 2 1/2 years, too scared to move down. Six months ago I decided to decrease slowly, settling down to 100, and thankfully feeling exactly the same. I still take 125mg of Antabuse every morning. I probably always will.
No doubt this will sound funny but I give big time credit to something else for my continued sobriety: Golf. Many on the forum wonder what life will be like without alcohol. I was left with a huge void. All that time spent drunk or hungover was suddenly free. I now use a big chunk of it on the links (but still suck). Seriously, find something fun.
That's it. If you're considering baclofen, go for it. If you're already in, stick with it. Three years of sobriety speaks for itself.
Three years. Impossible.
PhotoMan
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