SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

[soberwannabe]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Quick Question.. I haven't had any craving or desire to drink at all these past few weeks, but last night at the 'annual tree lighting' ceremony I had this weird feeling of 'what if'..
I didn't .. instead I took another 10 mg and then left early and went home and took another 10 mg and went to bed early.

I'm shocked I was able to think it through. The fact that I did think it through is quite odd to me. .. seriously weird.

However, I'm starting to wonder if maybe I really haven't hit my switch yet. I took 60 mg total yesterday.. 20 mg within 3 hours last night and crashed by 10 pm. I feel groggy this morning and my eyes feel tired and have a slight 'crusty' eye something or other on my eye lids. Any recommendations? I'm thinking I might need to titrate up..

[soberwannabe]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Oh yeah.. this is 3 weeks AF for me.. December and the holiday season as a whole, is usually a binge party for me. I felt like last night, was 'give me a reason to' ..

although not like my normal ' wild hair feeling', I'm starting to think it might be the beginning of one.. just in a new form.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

soberwannabe;1420656 wrote: Oh yeah.. this is 3 weeks AF for me.. December and the holiday season as a whole, is usually a binge party for me. I felt like last night, was 'give me a reason to' ..

although not like my normal ' wild hair feeling', I'm starting to think it might be the beginning of one.. just in a new form.

Hey, SWB.
It's a continuum, I think, rather than a "switch". Oh, don't get me wrong, I had a switch! :H In that the idea of drinking was just gross. It didn't taste good, didn't feel good, felt all wrong, in fact. But I powered on through that several times until I just couldn't be bothered anymore. Then I didn't drink, and the idea of drinking didn't appeal for a long while. Then I went down dramatically.
Then it did. And I drank. A half a beer (or whatever) with my husband (who was still drinking alcoholically). Then eventually I got drunk for the first time. And that was scary, so I scooted right back up that bac ladder and stayed at what I could handle for a long time. Then went down much more slowly.
Since then I've had drinks, and a couple more drunks. None of them life threatening, or even life altering. (Though the last hangover, after 4 or 5 glasses of wine at a party over about 6 hours, was BRUTAL. Enough that I don't know that I'll ever do that again. Seriously. 'cause now I get to decide how much and when.)

Anyway. Going up might be a good idea. Sounds like it. But the point of the (long-winded) story is that it's not a poof it's gone forever kind of thing. And if you are already in that place where you are making plans, and lying to everyone (and maybe even yourself) about it, then take some action and drink (or not) sensibly. Don't let it be brutal. The disease can be managed. Even now. And for the love of good things, don't let it completely derail you. Anything! It's worth it to plug on through. :goodjob:

[soberwannabe]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Thanks Neva,

I appreciate your words. What I heard is what is true 'progress not perfection'.

I hear what you're saying about planning and lying to everyone and myself.. I know exactly what that feels like..

honestly, last night wasn't that, but it was something.. anxiety, routine, a void , not sure..
only time will tell.

Last night felt weird.. because it's those kind of events that 'start the whirlwind' of the vicious cycle that I create for myself, my husband and my family. The one that I've been so wanting to break.

At this moment, I wouldn't trade that 1 change (last night) for anything. I'll start titrating up today.. slowly

[Ne/Neva Eva]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

I so completely understand. Wow.

The statement: "Last night wasn't that, but it was something..."

I logged back on to share this thought: I woke up this morning and thought about coconut milk and vanilla vodka. (Don't ask. Seriously. I know it's weird. I read it on FB...) So as I lay there in twilight sleep, I thought about drinking it. And thought it might be yummy. (Which I am not quite sure about at all. I don't like coconut milk plain and I don't think I've ever had vanilla vodka. Sounds disgusting. anyhoo. I'm not trying to belabor the booze point of it...)
Once I thought it might be yummy, I had a bit of a, "WHOA! WAIT a second!" Then I had to lay there in my own...whatever and wonder if it was craving, and was I still an alcoholic, and blah, blah, blah.

I'd forgotten about it all until just now. I logged on to tell you. Reading what you wrote made me realize that it was the "I don't know...it is something" that is missing from my experience when I think about booze. That "something" is gone.
It takes time, and (in my case) gobs of baclofen. And maybe other stuff too? I don't know. I don't think so, but I've met a lot of people here who find that the something is still there, even after they don't want to drink. (Maybe. Or maybe they just stop too soon? Again, I don't know.)

So. Glad you're resolved to go up. As you pointed out, there is no need to be dramatic! :H A little bit'll do you. And yes. The longer I get into this whole thing, and share the experience with more and more people, the more I find truisms in that program. Everything except the meaning of the disease, the cause, and the treatment. :H:H:H But the rest? Words of profound wisdom, truth and clarity.

:l and thanks for the reminder/clarity.

[MaryGoRound]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Ne and Sober-

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It helps me think.

[TexasAg]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Ne/Neva Eva;1420677 wrote:
I'd forgotten about it all until just now. I logged on to tell you. Reading what you wrote made me realize that it was the "I don't know...it is something" that is missing from my experience when I think about booze. That "something" is gone.
It takes time, and (in my case) gobs of baclofen. And maybe other stuff too? I don't know. I don't think so, but I've met a lot of people here who find that the something is still there, even after they don't want to drink. (Maybe. Or maybe they just stop too soon? Again, I don't know.)

Ne, as usual, you've spoken words that hit close to home. I think I titrated down too much or too quickly or probably both. But it occurs to me that "something" had been gone when I was at 160 but the SE's were dificult and I couldn't stay there. As I titrated down I still felt good. I titrated down to 80 and that "something" seems to have crept back in. It's definitely not a white knuckle something but it is a "something". I'm titrating back up slowly and deliberately. I had been in such a rush to hit the switch and find out if it worked, then when it did work, I was in a rush to come back down. Not sure why. But the good news is I know it works. It's just a matter of finding the sweet spot without the SE's and being patient.

Thanks again!


Sober :goodjob: on the 3 weeks! As for the crusty eye....I didn't get that but I did get really bad red rimmed eyes that made me look like I had been smoking the good stuff or crying. Some days it looked like I'd done both :schmokin:


Mary, when you gonna start a thread? No pressure, but seems you and I have some similarities on the home front.

Cheers!

[soberwannabe]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Hi Everyone..

Here's my update on titrating up. I'm now at 70/80 mg per day.

The SE's are minimal, well in a way. Somnolence is significant (more on that in the next paragraph) and the leg pains are intense.

So far (2 days) without hubby has been a sober success. With that being said, I feel asleep at 9:00 pm last night, while my daughers (9 & 15) were still awake. Thank God both have a good routine and found themselves to bed without me. I woke up at 2:00 am drenched in sweat! I think it was due to not taking any BAC for over 6 hours. Either that or a massive 'hot flash', which surpassed any I've had in the last 5 years.

When I woke up and realized I had fallen asleep so soundly, I felt guilty, like I do, when I wake up after a binge and start hunting down my empty beer can stash. But inside I knew the truth, my conversation in my head was "well silly, you can't lay down at night because you fall asleep in 10 minutes .. you already knew that" ! (I have not any issues with sleep taking BAC)

so, I got up and straightened up around the house, let the poor out to go pee.. and cleaned up the night snacks my oldest made for herself and her sister. I wouldn't have done that on a binge!

When I woke up my oldest at 6:00 am, she only commented.. wow Mom, you really went sound to sleep last night. You must have been tired, you were really snoring.

Honestly, it's way better than previous conversations I've had with her, like 'Honey, how bad was I, last night' ..

Solo day 3 begins today. I'm up for any advice/suggestions on night time BAC management. Maybe an alarm during the night?

[StuckinLA]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Hey there, Sober. I'm sorry I don't have advice on the sleeping, though right where you're at seems to be the worst, believe it or not. Sleep gets really funny around 100+ (in my experience), and it doesn't necessarily mean you're nodding off every time you sit still for a minute. The other thing to consider is that you are going up, and that means somnolence and SEs. It sucks right now, but it's not always going to be like, as you will eventually get to a stable place and your body will have a chance to get used to everything. And, you know, there's always coffee.

I'm wondering about the leg pain you mentioned. Could you describe it in detail? I had a possibly similar issue, and am curious if it's the same.

Glad things seem to be going well otherwise. You're doing great!

[TexasAg]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Hi Sober, congrats!

Congrats on not having to look for your empty beer cans! I don't miss that panicky feeling of, crap what did I do, or when I was on the road, desperately looking at my cell to see if I had texted or talked to my wife while I was drunk. :egad:

Going solo was soooooo scary for me. I remember the first weekend the missus went away when I first started Bac :eeks: I still wasn't at indifference.....on second thought I don't want to remember!

Hope all is well!

Cheers!

[soberwannabe]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Hi Tex,

I'm glad you're doing better too! I can relate to your comments. I forgot about calling people.. OMG.. I think everybody but me knew that if it was past 8 pm and I was calling them, I was drinking/drunk.. somehow, I never thought anyone knew. Then the next day.. I sit there going through my cell phone.. going 'Oh crap.. Oh God.., because the discussions would start popping back into my head'. What a nightmare.

Stuck..
The pains are in the top of my thighs. It's a strange heaviness but also feels like 100+ pounds were sitting across them. I can walk with no difficulties.. it's in the muscle.. but it's not really there. It's definitely a SE as it's not near as bad today. I'm consistently at 70 mgs for 3 days.. Last night, no sweats, no falling asleep on my kids, and the pain much less. And, very sober. I like this dose much better and I'm shocked.. I thought 40 was the switch, but now I realize, its above that. 70 and climbing. but I prefer slowly.

[TexasAg]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Hi Sober, how goes the going solo?

Cheers!

[soberwannabe]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Solo is:

Busy, Busy.. My Job, Homework,Driving,Soccer,Laundry,Cooking, Grocery,Dog Park, .. clean house, do dishes have moved lower on the list right now. Oh yea, Christmas is partially up for 2 days now. Not stressing yet, but the house looks bad inside.

80 mg is a good dose and the SE's are tolerable. I do feel like I should continue to go up.

The other day though, I realized how much BAC I was going through and quickly placed an order.. Shortly after that, I started to re-think my purchase, 14 days to arrive, did I buy enough, should I call Dr. L, will this show up as a red flag on my health insurance, should I think about liquid bac.. how do I take it?

Yikes, this feels crazy. All I know is I don't want to worry about running out now!
btw, how do you take liquid bac? Any comments?

I take Pacifen and I've had only a few SE's. I don't want to risk changing my brand at this moment unless it's an emergency.

Lots o stuff, no drinking, , I am slightly stressed on my BAC supply remaining and that bothers me.

[TexasAg]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Congrats on the no drinking.

I know exactly what you mean, I'm close to the end of my supply and mine gets mailed (insurance requisite for being a recurring prescription). I was panicking on Sat so I called them, luckily I just happened to mention that I was going on vacation and they rushed an order as a "vacation exemption" since it still wasn't time for my refill. I'm hoping I don't run out prior to the next scheduled refill. I've gotta put some numbers together and see if it will last. Fortunately, when the mail-order farmacy took over the prescription from Walgreens I was at 160mg and now currently at 100mg.

I'm interested in the liquid bac also. What benefits does it have over pill Bac? Less SE's? I know all that info is probably in other threads (Loops?) but I don't have time right now so if you find out anything, clue me in please!

Cheers!

[soberwannabe]

SWB - Long Live Sobriety and BAC!

Hi Tex,

Yes,I am researching it. From my reading I think it's an injectable. Which is NOT something I can or will do.
I hate needles and just all around feels wrong. Insulin yes, if I was a diabetic, but I'm not. Baclofen, no, sorry.

Loop or anyone, if I am wrong, and this can be taken sublingually (?), I am interested in knowing more.

Just curiously are the savings with a prescription fabulously better than online ? I have decent insurance, but I think my copay is still around $10.00.. ( I understand the whole legitimacy thing)

Right now I'm looking for 25mg BAC that has good prices. Let me know if you're interested in my findings.