Still Striving

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

Good morning y'all. I was able to sleep last night and the stomach bug is getting better. Still no suitcase but it kinda feels good wearing jeans and a sweater to the office.

Thanks for the support, I was feeling very low and it was scary how ugly the voices in my head were getting. But I'm starting to come out of my funk. I guess 7 days was a good call NE.

I'm reading some of my posts and I understand why people edit. I'm blessed with a good job, I get to travel, I'm staying at a nice hotel, eating good dinners while being surrounded by poverty everywhere. I look at what I've posted and the term "first world problems" comes to mind.

I'm heading back to Lima today then home to face the music.

1/2 Cheers.

[soberwannabe]

Still Striving

Thinking about you Tex.

I know the world is complex and so is the mind/world of an alcoholic. I too am blessed with a good paying job and I traveled a lot in my days too.

I think I read just recently in one of the posts about our 'sensitivities'. I know I over analyze most situations, most of the time .. like my opinion really counts.. it's just who I am.

I know you're freaking out over going home.. "will she forgive me, what will happen next" , etc.. for hours and hours, making yourself sick. Just remember 'no one is perfect'.. not even your wife as perfect as you think she is or she wants to believe she is ... we ALL make mistakes.

If she can't see the progress in the past 4 months, then an honest talk is required. I wish you the best Tex and it will all work out.. that we know..

Safe trip back.

[lostsole]

Still Striving

Travelling is always the toughest for me. I tend to slip up then also on business trips.

I don't kill myself over it as I know I am going to be sober again. I mean isn't that the main thing? I don't fall back into the cycle at all. If anything it reinforces me to be sure I stay on track.

Glad you are back and feeling better.

[soberwannabe]

Still Striving

Good point Lost, exactly. being alone or away.. is the hardest..

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

Howdy all, I'm back home, and let me tell you, when it rains it pours.

I'm very glad I found Bac and MWO. The hardest part is learning how to handle things sober. The list of things I've screwed up and have to deal with, kinda tempers the enthusiasm of being free. JKTTP

Cheers!
Cheers!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Still Striving

:l

[Alcoholic]

Still Striving

lostsole;1419388 wrote: Travelling is always the toughest for me. I tend to slip up then also on business trips.

I don't kill myself over it as I know I am going to be sober again. I mean isn't that the main thing? I don't fall back into the cycle at all. If anything it reinforces me to be sure I stay on track.

Glad you are back and feeling better.

Yea, that's how I look at it , too. Just get back on track and dust yourself off. Agree w lostsole.

[lostsole]

Still Striving

Thanks Alcoholic.

I mean lots of folks have problems. Just because we are alkies doesn't mean we stop being human right? I think we have to give ourselves a break sometimes too.

That does not mean going on a bender and driving drunk. Having some drinks is not the end all. Don't let it feel like it's an end all.

At least we are trying, right! :goodjob:

[MaryGoRound]

Still Striving

For me it is a process. I always admire the ones that can just STOP and be done but it seems there are many of us who need reinforcement. This reinforcement may be negative but it is still a reinforcement.

Tex, I am not sure of your story but I understand you feel your relationship with your wife is at a critical point. I know my husband sometimes just REACTS to my drinking. It is almost like I am seeng the short circuit of my drinking happening to him. Does that make sense? It can make it harder to get well. At least the alcohol could shield me from his reaction. Note, I in no way blame my husband for my alcoholism but we all live in a world of actions and reactions and then more actions and reactions...

I have been so hidden emotionally hidden by alcohol that when I "unhide" it is hard to deal with. One thing I have been doing lately is lurking on sites for people who have to deal with an alcoholic. It helps me see things form another perspective without being emotionally involved.

To me you are doing great!

[Alcoholic]

Still Striving

Lostsole and marygoround;

I totally see it as a process, too. For me, I like to think of this is a marathon, a life long commitment to a healthier lifestyle. So if I'm going to succeed, I need to be lenient and nice to my self, allow few transgressions but have my eyes on the long term prize of health. Anything else seems like crash diet which definitely won't last for me.

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

Thanks y'all, your support definitely helps.

I'm back home, well in the office right now, and back on track. I titrated back up to 100mg and will evaluate if I need to go to 120 in a week or two. Happy to say I have no desire to drink. Looking back to my last monday night binge, I think I had been looking forward to that drink at the hotel bar sitting around a bunch of expats and laughing shooting the bull. Like I said, it was weird, I could see myself drinking but not really wanting it. By the third drink my spidey senses were tingling in my brain (that's what I call the SE where I can feel like little electric shocks inside my skull). By the fourth my brain turned off and I don't remember much. Definitely not a good thing in a foreign country and definitely not good calling my wife.

Habits are hard to break. I've got it down at home, I'm pretty comfortable with my routine and know to stay away from friends and situations. I don't worry about craving, Bac has definitely done its job, but as in my trip, habits are hard to break and like a friend said Bac has saved us from craving but it doesn't save us from being stupid. Business trips are hard. The distance, loneliness and the 'it's been freekin dificult these last few months' can make you do stupid things in spite of the Bac. But I'm ok. Perhaps it was a blessing that it was the first night because the rest of the trip I avoided even walking by the hotel bars not because I was craving, just didn't want old habits to kick in. The curse was that I felt very looooooooow the rest of the trip. I had tried to cram 2 weeks worth of work into 1 week so that I wouldn't be away from home too long but in hindsight that added to the stress.

Back at home the situation went from bad to worse. Drinking mistakes of past have terrible timing. Three major issues hit me on top of the binge of last Monday. Two had nothing to do with drinking but it didn't really matter at that point. The one that haunts me even as we speak did have to do with drinking and a situation that I don't even remember because it was probably during a drunken blackout. I don't want to go through all the details because I've beaten myself up enough. Suffice to say it involved other substances and the shock to my wife that it wasn't just alcohol I had abused. It reared it's head at precisely the wrong moment. This along with the two other financial situations that hit on Saturday had me feeling like that first scene in Saving Private Ryan where they're storming the beach and getting blasted and blasted and the soldier gets up and says, "Just give us a freaking chance!".

Mary, for what it's worth, the four months did mean something to me and I think to my wife. I don't think I'd be at home talking if I didn't have those four months to show.

I believe it's a marathon. I just wish I could get a stride going before the obstacles course.

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

Reposting this from Sober's thread:

I think I titrated down too much or too quickly or probably both. But it occurs to me that "something" had been gone when I was at 160 but the SE's were dificult and I couldn't stay there. As I titrated down I still felt good. I titrated down to 80 and that "something" seems to have crept back in. It's definitely not a white knuckle something but it is a "something". I'm titrating back up slowly and deliberately. I had been in such a rush to hit the switch and find out if it worked, then when it did work, I was in a rush to come back down. Not sure why. But the good news is I know it works. It's just a matter of finding the sweet spot without the SE's and being patient.

Cheers!

[Kradle123]

Still Striving

:l
:l and one to grow on.

[soberwannabe]

Still Striving

Hi Tex,

Great to hear from you. You've got a great plan.
I think that 'something' the other day was a warning for me to begin titrating up too. I'm at 60 mg now.
My legs hurt today, like I ran a 5k. I think that is a SE.. or maybe it's my bac voice saying "get off your butt and get some excercise"!

Have a great day Tex.

[soberwannabe]

Still Striving

Hi Tex,

I was slightly wrong about NIMH and baclofen. I'm sorry, I should have double checked the details in my findings.

This guide is the Addiction Recovery Guide and it references baclofen as a therapy at NIH.
Alcoholism : Addiction Medication : The Addiction Recovery Guide

This site references baclofen but when I reviewed the link, its reference is not clearly linked to alcohol treatment.

However, the good news is that mainstream addiction programs are at least aware of baclofen as a treatment protocol.