Still Striving

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

MaryGoRound;1423389 wrote: Tex,

I use AA in my toolbox. I really like the people and I like the social/emotional support.

I do not have a sponsor and, at this point, I do not intend to get a sponsor.
Mary, are you planning to or have you gone through the steps? Without sponsor?

Ne/Neva Eva;1423397 wrote: Then again, it might depend on where you live. If it's as hard as finding a liberal in Tejas, than you might need an online sponsor. and :H and :l

Hahaha, liberals in Tejas, get a rope! :H

Bac Online sponsorship! sounds interesting!

I'm not sure why I'm so insistent on sticking with my sponsor. He's a good man that's been there for me on many occasions and we have so many things in common. I like who he is and has become. Something I'm striving for. But it's almost as if I NEED to convince him. And to be fair, I have never been a good sponsee. Like someone said, if we were a drunk horse thief before and stopped drinking, we're still a horse thief.


soberwannabe;1424157 wrote: Hi Tex,

'sobriety is the first step'.

I notice more things about me with my sobriety this time. The biggest difference between baclofen and the first months of AA, is less white knuckle and more about 'who I am'. I don't think in many ways, I knew who I was as much as I do now, with AA. Does that sound strange? What I mean. I'm spending more time focusing on why I do the things I do and less worry about if I am going to drink.

I know I am vulnerable, just like you Tex.. being 'semi' alone.. just my kids..
I'll keep you updated these next days. so far so good.

Hope all is well with you.

Thanks for the thoughts Sober. I don't worry about drinking, and I am thinking more and more about myself and why I do things and why I feel this way. I'm getting very touchy, feely.:yuk: This if I think about it too much, rubs me the wrong way, due to my culture, upbringing, etc. But who am I kidding, I've always thought too much and have been overly sensitive.

This brings me to my wife?s birthday dinner last night. By all accounts it was a beautiful success. I made steaks, baked potatoes, salad, the kids made dessert, it was a Norman Rockwell moment. She was happy, the kids were happy, and I was sober. But dammit if I didn't feel like I was on the outside looking in. I just couldn't feel it. This again, makes me over think things. I'm a newbie and I'm learning to live life sober but it does kinda freak me out.

This is where I think AA and going through the steps could really help.

Cheers!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Still Striving

TexasAg;1425322 wrote: Like someone said, if we were a drunk horse thief before and stopped drinking, we're still a horse thief.
...

... But dammit if I didn't feel like I was on the outside looking in. I just couldn't feel it. This again, makes me over think things. I'm a newbie and I'm learning to live life sober but it does kinda freak me out.

As to the first part: I may have been a horse thief of a sort when something else drove my decision making. That thing is gone, and therefore the person making those decisions is gone. It is only very rarely that I find myself making decisions based on those old patterns/reactions. (Mostly fear.)

The fact that the program stresses this as part of the addiction really chafes. It's human. And the steps are found in/based on thousands of years of ethical and moral philosophy. Any of those can help, in my humble opinion. It's just workin' them that's the challenge.

Which brings to the latter part. It's just time, Tag. But you can speed up the time by doing some work. Right? Regardless of where/how. (Well, not regardless. That's pretty important. Dredging up old stuff a la 12 steps doesn't work as well for me as brain-storming and problem-solving when I see a place that needs work. But to each his or her own.)

Sorry you were uncomfortable but I'm so grateful/glad that you were present.

[soberwannabe]

Still Striving

Hi Tex.. Yes, I agree about the outside looking in.. But, I think that does happen with AA recovery too .. I think it's called acceptance. But with a twist.. accepting the 'new me'.

I always felt 'outside' that's why I had a damn beer in my hand (or at least when I wasn't in the closet) at ANY social event. It was anxiety, I did not fit in (or at least it seemed too hard without a drink).

Remember the 'something' I mentioned when I was at the Christmas lighting event. I think it might have been that. I still wasn't whole. I think that comes with acceptance.

I think this forum in particular centers me in a way I haven't had in my life before. (And yes, me thinks too much too.) I think people like Ne and Stuck, Mary and You, edit: oh and Xadrian.. and a few others.. help us grow into the person we are wanting to become. Their guidance and truths are gifts to everyone.

Be good to yourself today and keep smiling..

SWB.. the jabberous one

[MaryGoRound]

Still Striving

I am so glad to hear the BD celebration went well even if it may have seemed unreal or if you were disassociated it some ways..

I have not done the 12 steps. I think there is good wisdom in them. They really are a guide to solving problems...and it doesn't just have to be about alcohol or other drugs. So far they just haven't spoken to me in a way that makes me want to work them.

[soberwannabe]

Still Striving

Hey Tex.. How's it going? I know you said work is crazy.. Just stopped by to say Hi

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

Hi!

Work is very hectic. God works in mysterious ways. I had been travelling my whole career, about 50-60% every month for the past 5 years. Then, this summer, when all the caca hit the fan with my wife which coincided with me starting Bac, my travelling came to a complete stop. An accounting "issue" hit my company and all my projects were put on hold. I had been home for 3.5 months for the first time in I don't know how many years. Again, God is good. This layoff not only helped me focus on Bac and handling my SE's but it gave me the opportunity to be there for my kids and eventually my wife. I always thought God had led me to MWO and Baclofen to fix my marriage. But then, during the hardest, brutal times with my wife I figured God wanted me to be sober to handle a divorce and not go off the deep end. Well, things are going forward, 2 steps forward, 1.5 steps back, etc. And now work projects are back on, so I've got to finish 4 projects within the next few months. It would normally take me a few months for each project. This means travel and work is going to be hectic. I'll be doing the whole Latin America tour, Arg, Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador, Venezuela, Mexico in a very, very tight schedule.

There's a point to all my whining. I'm struggling with whether to put my AA program and sponsor on hiatus. I haven't been able to progress much anyway. As a matter of fact not at all. The meetings have become tedious and for the most part I don't feel good afterwards. I can't relate with a lot of what they say. It exasperates me seeing people being eaten alive with anxiety and white knuckle living. Especially the guys that had years and fall off the wagon. But I've come to realize that they are not my responsibility and I can't let myself get caught up with that. I've got to focus on me.

But Living and handling crap sober is freakin hard. My mind is always making extremes out of small things. I have guilt, anger and a generous dose of messed up thoughts over the things I've messed up and things that are coming back to bite me. And bite hard. I realize that I can't trust my feelings and thoughts sometimes. So I'm trying not to think too much. I also vent on MWO and hope that seeing things typed up will give me a different perspective. Hopefully I can get y'alls perspective also.

This weekend is going to be hard. The communication with my wife is still not there. Our communication issues, my trust issues and just my general pathetic insecurity issues have got me all twisted up.

Now that I see it typed up it seems pretty childish. I've never been insecure like this before. This is me, the same cocky, confident guy that 6 months ago would've been drooling over the thought of her partying because that would've given me the perfect excuse to drink to my hearts content. Her decisions and actions have rocked me to the core. Now I don't know what to do, say, react.

I'm reserving the right to edit/delete. :H

Cheers!

[MaryGoRound]

Still Striving

Tex-

i lost my last post..so i will give the short version....

1.) I just have had a difficult AA meeting. I would say most everyone was helpful but many have the biological version but k:new have doubts as


2.) I do not have an Official AA sponsor. Many jave jad delivery in the hard work theory.

[MaryGoRound]

Still Striving

Tex-

i lost my last post..so i will give the short version....

1.) I just have had a difficult AA meeting. I would say most everyone was helpful but many have the biological version but k:new have had dlvert


2.) I do not have an Official AA sponsor. Many Tex-

i lost my last post..so i will give the short version....
,Amy I've ace chance have hard.

Annr

1.) I just have had a difficult AA meeting. I would say most everyone was helpful but many have the biological version but k:new have doubts as


2.) I do not have an Official AA sponsor. Many have had delivery in the hard work have hard
Had




.l hard work theory.

[Lo0p]

Still Striving

Some of them do come back and bite hard. I'm still in pain from some of the things I've done. BUT, from the moment I hit my switch I knew, for a fact, that I was sick, it was a disease and that it wasn't my fault.

To this day I haven't forgiven myself for things, time periods, and a very special relationship that got fu$%ed up. It wasn't my my fault, there was no need.

That realization came to me when I hit my switch.

I used to stare in the mirror, look deep into my eyes and see my demon staring back at me. But sometimes I could see a glimpse of my true self too. I would never do those things. I always knew he wasn't me.

Everything I did, conscious, semiconscious or in a complete blackout, everyone else looked at me and told me "you did this." All I could say was "it's not my fault", something I knew in my heart to be true. I didn't, it wasn't me. Only I could see and feel the paradigm. To others that truth was an excuse that wore thin.

He is gone now. Now I accept responsibility for everything I do, because I actually did it. And it's usually very easy because I rule and am a really awesome, intelligent, responsible etc, etc, etc, human being. Sometimes it's hard because I am a human being and I have flaws, make mistakes, unintentionally hurt people sometimes and royally screw stuff up other times.

i am me now. My demon is dead and my disease...*poof* gone. Yes, sometimes it's a bitch. I genuinely, recently, felt like my life was over. I felt like I was part of a freakin' Greek or classic tragedy. I thought to myself:

"I'd spent my entire adult life in hell. Three years ago, when I wanted it all to end, instead of laying down and letting the flames engulf me I waded through the fires of hell found the devil, stared him down put my fists in the air and screamed, let's go. And I won. I beat him dead and for my prize I ascended...to...real life.

For almost three years I felt like I was flying.

But now I can't even hold a single dinner plate to make a single dollar, let alone clench my fist. What kind of battle is this?"

I sunk deep. So deep. What has transpired since here has given me a little hope.

This fight isn't over yet. But at least I'm the one in control this time and I'm the one pulling the levers. At least this time I can clearly see the hole that I'm in and how far I have to climb to get back to the top.

It's different this time.

I reserve the same rights Tex did in the post above. :H

[soberwannabe]

Still Striving

Hi Tex,

I think in many ways we are on the same path. BAC is allowing us to get on the path to sobriety much quicker, but the past and our f'd up thinking slog along and become worst enemies. How dare they!

I know I only over react in the past, I never over react when I reacting! I can say that I do try to pause more before speaking my words. Maybe it's because of this short term memory thing going on, but maybe it's a pause to think and maybe pass.

You've accomplished a lot in your 4+ months. Perhaps you can talk with your sponsor and ask him what the next best thing is to do. Even if he (your sponsor) falls off the wagon tomorrow, he'll give you his honest answer and is most likely the right answer, even if he can't follow it.

Also, BAC up!. Although this week has flown by with barely a thought of beer (it's been way to hectic for that, but it wouldn't have stopped me before), I have suffered through more muscle pains and sleepless night than I'd care to. I know it's because I'm taking an extra 5 mg here and there in the day.

I hope you have a good day, Tex.

[MaryGoRound]

Still Striving

So sorry about posting a totally incomprehensible post! Full apologies.

The point I was making (which was completely lost) was that I am also concerned about using AA at this point. Generally people are supportive but I am going to a group with a lot of old timers that "got it" years ago. The new people that come into the group either "get it" or don't come back. By the way, if I think about it, there are many that just don't come back.

I have stuck with it because I truly like the people but I have been honest about the fact I have not quit AL. I have been communicating with one person very openly about it. In some ways I have adopted him as a pseudo sponsor. I have tried to convince him about the BAC and he just doesn't buy it. His point is always that I have to rely on me and I can't have a pill to fix me. He has nick named Dr. L as "Dr. Quack." There is no personal offense but it just illustrates that he does not agree with the idea of the pill.

I have to be honest that the AA way, for me, is really the quacky way of going. It hasn't worked. I definitely get something out of it but it hasn't helped me to stop drinking. In some ways, it makes it worse. Part of the crazy post I made last night was b/c I was drinking. The first thing I did after the meeting was get booze. It was sort of a f*** you response to some of the comments I got from this person. Now that is crazy...I admit it. He was only trying to help. I just have to stop "denying" that AA is the answer for me now. Step One...stop denying!

My new resolve this morning is to up my dose of BAC, get serious about letting it do the job, and stop going to AA until I stop drinking. I can't wait until I can go back and say, "I told you so" but unfortunately that is not the case for me now. Right now I get the impression that some people think I am an idiot!

[MaryGoRound]

Still Striving

I also agree with comments about "fault." We just can't beat ourselves up about the things we did when we are/were drinking. It doesn't accomplish anything.

The best we can do is move forward.

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

Howdy all!

I truly appreciate your posts and I have so many thoughts going through my head, questions and comments that I'd like to write down but I wanted to do it with some time and unfortunately I haven't had too much lately.

But I'm writing now because I just got a phone call that completely rocked my world. I had mentioned that I had gotten some financial news a few weeks ago that not only knocked my wind out, it stood over me and kicked me in the groin, the face, and everywhere else. It was very devastating and had the potential to take everything we had worked for our whole lives and then some. Needless to say, it greatly added to an already complicated situation at home. But after the initial blow, my wife and I have been working together on what we could do. I've always tried to handle things and shield my wife and kids from hard situations. But it felt good to work as a team.

God is good. This afternoon, I got a call that restored my faith in humanity. Out of the blue, they informed me that they were not going to pursue this financial issue in the way they had put forward. I didn't ask questions. The first thing I thought was to close my office and meet my wife at her school to tell her the good news. The second thing I thought was to let y'all know the good news!

I know there's been some negative vibes going on a bit lately and maybe it's good or maybe it's bad, I don't know.

But I do know two things:

God is good!
Baclofen works!

Cheers!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Still Striving

Yep. I'd concur. I am not sure what to call (it), but (it) isn't so mysterious, and (it) is good.

And yep. Baclofen works. Don't need any divine intervention for that, do we? (But it sure does feel like it took that, doesn't it? Holy guacamole. Ed and I both feel as though we were plucked from the pack and given the Lucky Button or something, you know?

Glad things are looking up. Know that when they all seem like they're going to Hades again (cause that's just life, isn't it?) everything is better without booze.

:l Tag.

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

Howdy all!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! I've just had the first Christmas/New Years sober in 25 years!

Sorry I've been absent, just busy as heck and living life. That's the good and the bad of Baclofen, it helps set you free, you start living and forget what got you here. That's why I give soo much credit to you veterans that keep coming back and helping!

I'm sticking with my maintenance dose at 100mg. I'm having no SE's. Except maybe one, but I'm not sure if it's a SE or just me.

I'm not sure how Bac works exactly, I kinda think it fixes the elevator in your brain so you don't get too extreme feelings, high or low. The reason I bring this up is I think I'm stuck on even keel. I went snowboarding with my kids over the holidays and had a pleasant time. Whereas in the past I would've had a BLAST (alcohol or no alcohol). Another example was the GREAT financial news I got right before Christmas, I was up for an hour or two then back to normal whereas I think I wouldve been happy for days in the past. Lately, whenever I'm getting to worked up, angry or happy, I start getting the Spidey senses (the tingly feeling inside my skull). Then it passes and I'm back on even.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be normal. Maybe I'm in a bit of a depression. I'm not sure and wanted to get y'alls opinion. Is this just a phase? Is this alcohol withdrawal? Does everyone that quits alcohol go through this, Bac or no Bac?

Don't get me wrong, I'm GRATEFUL that I'm no longer in the clutches of the beast. I don't miss my extreme lows. But I do miss my highs (not alcohol highs).

Cheers!