Still Striving

[TexasAg]

Hi Y'all,

Finally starting a thread and not hijackking the Newbie thread. I'm in Peru right now on business, my first trip abroad since I hit the switch in August. Not sure what to say except that I screwed up. It had been a long time since I had binged and last night I binged and to top it off I called my wife drunk. All my hard work went to hell.

It felt like an outer body experience last night. I could see myself drinking the whiskey but I didn't feel like I needed it. It only took 4 for me to black out.

I had been sober since August, Baclofen did change my life. I hadn't been sober for 4 months since I was 15. I'm wondering whether I went down too far on my dosage.

I'm not in a cheerful mood so I won't sign off with my usual Cheers.

Day 137 on Baclofen - 80mg

[Colin]

Still Striving

So pick yourself up, dust yourself down, titrate up slowly to indifference and then do things differently. You'll figure out where it went wrong this time - your first guess seems sound to me. Better luck next time and keep us posted.

There but for the grace of God go I.

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

Thanks Colin. I definitely have to get out of this pity party.

This just sucks. I had forgotten how shitty it is to feel like this. Maybe this is a good thing.

AUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHH

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Still Striving

Oh yeah. I got really, really drunk sometime about a month or two after indifference. Holy cow. That SUCKED. And I don't really remember doing anything out of sorts. It hurts in all kinds of ways. I'm sorry for you. :l

But Tag, it doesn't mean ANYTHING. You don't have to go up to the airless heights again. You may have to go up some from where you are, but you're very likely still indifferent. It's a whole spectrum...Not a line. I don't think I know of anyone who hasn't had the experience. (Maybe one person, but he's a superhero or something. )

And yeah, it might be a good thing. I've done it three times, btw. I think only the first time was a good thing. The other two just...sucked. :H I didn't need the lesson! And I felt so badly I thought maybe I had taken a couple of years off my life. (poor body! And mind!)

Hang in. A week from now and things will look very different.

Huge hugs. xxoo

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

Thanks Ne. I liked what you said on Cookings thread about the goal of moderation. I think you're right. I've been looking at being able to drink moderately as some sort of reward. This reward sucks.

A week can't come soon enough.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Still Striving

I edited what I wrote over there about my husband, Tag. The truth is, if he was drinking against his will (meaning he couldn't control himself and the disease took over the decision making) then we'll have to deal with that. By abstaining. By going up. By never, ever drinking too much or getting even a little bit out of hand...
If he just drank too much until he couldn't make a decision to not drink (and drive, for goodness sake) then that's a whole 'nother kettle o' drums. Right? (A drum, for the record, is a kind of fish in these parts. And for our European friends, "a whole 'nother kettle of fish" is an idiom meaning a mess of confusion or something. It might even be European, actually. Not sure. anyhoo...)

Stuff happens. Sometimes it's truly awful stuff, and that night was really awful. But not...as awful as it could have been. Thank all that matters.

And yeah, there is no reward in the bottom of a bottle. I really am sorry. I hope the week is really just 24 hours from now.

[lostsole]

Still Striving

Yup, drinking on baclofen is lame. I don't even get enjoyment out of it when I do partake. I might have a glass of wine or cocktail at a business function every blue moon.

If I really screw up which is almost never I feel lousy. Fortunately I have not gone over say 4 drinks and had a baclofen hangover in a very very long time.

Just get back on the horse and ride on. It happens.

[soberwannabe]

Still Striving

Hey Bud ..

All those sober days count!! In your heart, you know that BAC made a difference.
You were testing yourself.. and yes, you can STILL drink if you want to.

Even sober people mess up.. it's ok.

Blessings and Hugs

[Colin]

Still Striving

The absolute notion of abstention might lead to unwanted assumptions about the reality. Getting drunk every now and then should not be considered as a mortal sin. Setting too high a bar for oneself or others might lead to talk of failure, divorce, etc. which is better left unsaid.

SUPPRESSION OF SYMPTOMS OF ALCOHOL DEPENDENCE AND CRAVING USING HIGH-DOSE BACLOFEN is included in the Saint Olivier version of the Holy Bible and suggests that some form of moderation is possible. If Bucknam can be persuaded to tell us what has happened to his patient I would be very grateful. My own aim is to get the beast under control and not necessarily to quit booze altogether.

[MaryGoRound]

Still Striving

Hi Tex-

You are still my hero! I think your progress has been great. I would expect that we all sometimes slip whenever we learn something new. That is part of the reinforcement process.

I do recall Dr. L's current advice is not to reduce from the switch does. It sounds like this could be hard for some people depending on the side effects. We all make comprimises. I asked him specifically if Bac "stimulates" brian growth or "simulates" brain growth. This is an important distinction. He says it is both. At first it acts as a replacement for some of our misfired chemicals (I would love to understand how the brain works but I am clearly not a neuroscientist) but his belief is Bac eventually allows the brain to repair itself (hence stimulate) but it take time...possibly years. Since I think you talk with him ask him what he thinks, I could be losing important points in translation.

The important point to remember is your progress. It sound like you where in a trigger situation. Always remember to forgive and move forward.

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

Hi y'all. Thanks.

I'm in Bolivia now and they lost my luggage. On top of that I've had an awful headache since my Monday night binge, I thought it was Bac/Binge related but today my stomach (and other parts) let me know it's some kind of stomach bug.

Sorry to sound like such a wuss but dammit, I can't seem to break this funk. I'm freakin lonely as hell. It doesn't help being 4000 miles away. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of talking to idiotS who's only thought is how to squeeze 1 more percent margin. DONT THEY KNOW PEOPLE ARE HURTING.

I don't know what's gonna happen when I get home. A part of me feels like a POS knowing this was the only thing that I couldn't do. I know Bac works. But people don't believe and this confirmed everything to them. Another part of me wants to yell, EFF this, I've been sober for 4 months doesn't that mean something! I have no desire to drink.

Sorry guys, just venting.

[soberwannabe]

Still Striving

Hang in there Tex!

You know BAC helped and the proof is in your sobriety. However, naysayers are quicker to judge when you falter than when you succeed.

Get back on your horse and continue down your road of sobriety. Most of us do not know this new sobriety road; the pitfalls or potholes. We only know the alcoholic one. You're doing great.. stand tall and be proud of WHAT you've accomplished in the past 4 months. NO ONE can take that away.

[StuckinLA]

Still Striving

Hey Tex, just catching up. Sorry to hear about the slip. But it's true that those 4 months are a huge deal, and they do of course count. All you can do is brush yourself off and keep going. Sending you some serious positive vibes, though I feel like kind of a hypocrite doing so--I'm far from sober right now. People do seem to see the falls a lot more than the successes, but don't let that get you down.

[MaryGoRound]

Still Striving

Tex, I was wondering if others had the problem you mentioned. I feel like I finally have an answer but now I am hitting the most resistance. No one if fighting me about the pills but they think it is a fake. Just last week when I admitted to my husband I drank that day, he yelled, " you need a plan! You need to tell me how this is going to stop!"

It was so frustrating b/c for once I have a plan. I am seeing a doctor, exercising, and taking medication. I feel like I am changing. No switch but I am less than 100 mg per day. My husband doesn't know a thing about the the medicine except I am taking something. I doubt he could name it. He just wants the drinking to stop. My 15 yr. old son thinks it is a fake. Extended family is skeptical. The only proof will be if it works and that is not necessarily going to happen immediately. Basically, I have my Dr. and people on this forum. I try not to mention it too much in my AA group b/c thy have done it the hard way. I am in a Quad A group (for atheists and agnostics) so they tend to be more accepting than most but I won't mention it to tonight!

[TexasAg]

Still Striving

Sober, Stuck, Mary, thanks, I appreciate it. I'm hanging, and I'm feeling the positive vibes. It helps that this headache is finally subsiding.

I felt like such a failure. I felt like when I have to do the walk of shame and turn in a wet chip for a dry one. I felt like I was going to have to start counting days again. But it's occurred to me that if I believe Bac works then why the hell am I counting days?

Mary, people not believing has been the hardest thing. I didn't tell many people and the one's I did, I could feel them rolling their eyes at me. I didn't tell my wife, it was too complicated and she was done but the desperation I felt when I KNEW something good was happening and I felt like I could finally start living and loving without fear and unfortunately, she was checking out. The timing was so terrible. I kept thinking what if I could have found Bac sooner, 10-11 months ago. But I guess if I'm playing that game I wish I would've found it 25 years ago. My AA sponsor is a nice guy and he's been there for me many a time but he thinks Bac is fake. When I called him after my Monday binge he was supportive but it always came back to I don't have the gift of desperation and I can't be honest with myself. Stuck once told me we go to AA because that's an outward sign to people that we're doing something. I think he's right. My wife can't see the changes in my brain Bac has made but she can see me going to AA meetings.

Sober I'm very happy for you. Stuck, brother, you aint no hypocrite.