Chigg's bac experience

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Chigg's bac experience

And if you want an almost immediate relief, take yourself to the gym and start lifting heavy weights. See Lo0p's thread about "Idle minds" or something. (You can search by his name.)

Or go to Leangains. (Martin somebody.) I don't do any of the food stuff, but when I lift heavy, I feel like superwoman. (The muskles don't hurt either.)

[kronkcarr]

Chigg's bac experience

Ne,
Thx for your post about boredom. It's true for me. My first post on here was about being in a lull and what to do. I think it's really cool that a number of folks on here go to the gym. I was fit before I started on bac and I have no motivation to do anything physical. I guess I'm learning to be still. chigg, this is a great topic. Thx.

kronkcarr

[Xadrian]

Chigg's bac experience

Ne/Neva Eva;1469498 wrote: I met a guy last week who climbed Mt. Everest! Guess what? Yep.

I guess you are going to climb it too?

Take some pictures to prove it to the trolls :H

[joanna_d]

Chigg's bac experience

ehrr, i'm sorry but i can't relate to this at all!!! :H

after going AF (from daily binging to zero and not even able to drink just one bottle to help the withdrawal effects i had for a few days even while on bac) i thought well in all this turmoil i'm at least entitled to puff some of all the tension from my o so hard work (in the voice of the queen of agony and suffering) away!
like i was used to i smoked one, sometimes two joints a day. in Holland when you buy a joint, it's stuffed with genetically enhanced weed or hasheesh. if you're not used to that stuff, you'll be entering oblivion within a few puffs (i've seen it happen).
but damn i kept feeling so sick, thought it was bac se's, and i thought fuck, will it be the choice between feeling utterly sick and beat but sober on bac, or living as a drunk (utterly sick and beat, but able to forget about that and even feeling like i'm on top of the world, only after 4 beers, for starters that is).
and after a day of feeling sick and beat i felt even more entitled to pot. cause then at least i was so out of there that my feeling sick and beat didn't really matter anymore, and i could just give in to it, lying on the couch, watching stupid television.

then a suspicion crouched onto me. what if it's the pot...?? i did one night without it. felt better the next day, decided to do one more night without it, felt like a thousand, and then a million bucks (at least compared to the weeks, and yes months, ehrr, years? before).

sorry for this long story. could've just made my point and said after decades of stuffing myself with booze and other soft and hard drugs), i just can't handle anything that messes with my neurotransmitters anymore. moreover: i've even switched to eating healthy fresh food, 'cause preprocessed food suddenly just disgusts me.
fuck... my body's suddenly turned sissy on me!!

of course i tried weed again after that, thinking maybe it was the flu or whatever (and i've been sick a lot from other causes) and guess what: panic attack after smoking, and a fucking hangover the next day. after smoking pot i immediately get heavy tinnitus, next day just sick to the toes, turning stomach, etc etc.

it turned out i can't even stand benzo's with long half life anymore (got some because of the other issues, pain that prevented me to sleep). of course it took me a while to accept that hypothesis as well, cause come on!! can't i fucking take anything around here anymore????!!!! nope.

found out that the one thing i can stand is benzo's with short half lives, but that master of integrity doctor of mine won't prescribe those without urgent cause . thinking what about the ssri's i'm still taking....? i want to try and get off them gradually, but only after i've established a steady level of bac again, as i'm diminishing now. (and when i don't have the flu like i have right now, or tummy issues, i feel fine. that's an understatement)
gone down from 225mg - my switch dose - to 162.5 mg up until now, and without any effect on my ability to take in booze, pot, benzo's with long half lives, etc. yet. and in the meantime, getting familiar with my overall no escape routes kinda way, i want it to stay that way.

okay. now i've written a whole epistle, and still haven't gotten to the point. i wanted to write about what my way of dealing with this excruciating overall sobriety is.
so: i'm still a wanker. oh! and still can smoke cigarettes and drink lots an lots of coffee!! which i'm doing with a vengeance these days. there has to be some fucking balance here, right!?!

[chigg]

Chigg's bac experience

thanks so much for all the posts. ne, i think you're right that maybe my other pursuits just need to be a little more intense. i'm going to go skiing on saturday and i might go get my drum set from my folks. i used to play in high school so maybe that will be fun to take up again. the classes and hobbies are great ideas that others posted. i may start messing around with codecademy.com. looks interesting and free.

i think it's just balance. meditation and just 'being present' every now and then should help too.

joanna, thx for sharing your experience with pot. it helps me not want to pursue it as much anymore. if bac is making you live with fewer and fewer mind altering chems, and it's working for you, that's wonderful. i am envious about the cigarettes though. i quit 5 years ago and would love to start up again. why the hell do they have to be so unhealthy?!

[joanna_d]

Chigg's bac experience

hi Chigg, this reaction to pot is not at all typical as i understand (although Stuck said he also had panic attacks on pot after switching), at least not the physical reactions. same goes for benzo's.
lots of people smoke pot and take benzo's after switching without any adverse reactions.
could well be that my persistent binging all the way up to the switch has so seriously messed with my neurotransmitters, that i'm oversensitive to all that stuff right now.

which is not to say that in the end i'm sad about not being able to smoke pot!!!
after going AF all at once, not even cravings to fight (what the fuck??!! nothing to fight against anymore!!?? :H), there's suddenly a wide gap, or a vast open space.
while first my system/circle was rather closed (the closure was AL), suddenly it was wide open.
it takes some time to perceive that as open to anything (anything!!) and moreover be able to embrace that.
at first, aside from the joy and wonder of the whole experience, it also felt uncomfortable and scary, and i partly felt wanting to close the circle again. i guess that's rather natural after drinking heavily for years and years and years. all that's familiar has suddenly gone, and although the familiar was thoroughly wrecking, it was still familiar and in that way felt safe. not that AL felt safe, but the closed circle (hope i'm not blabbering too much).

for me it was important to regard myself, including my fear and unease with attentive care.
i started feeling like a vulcano, all the energy that was boiling inside me with suddenly nothing to drown it with! overwhelming!
so right now i find myself cleaning my bathroom late at night, writing papers, walking different routes from the usual with my dog, playing music again (my stereo also seems to have taken the message "heal thyself" at heart, cause it had a problem before and suddenly it works just fine again), reading, throwing myself into work with a passion, etc etc.
i feel so alive from when i open my eyes in the morning to the second i fall asleep. and am getting familiar with the feeling of making the most of every minute of my day, in what ever way i feel like at that moment. even moments of doing nothing are moments of choice right now. tv irritates me too most of the times, so if i don't get up and do something cause i feel like it, sometimes i just sit on my couch, listening to music, watching the night outside, totally sober and think "wow.. this is amazing..." it all has a kind of intense quality to it.

and of course there's not only joy peace and happiness. but in the moments of sadness, anger and what not i find i'm able to actually process that feeling now.

when i'd had the opportunity to smoke pot, it'd been an easy way to close the gap again, at least at moments when there were no obligations, you know: free moments.
and pot has a very long half life (i think 48 hrs). it leaves you numb long after smoking (and certainly the pot you get here in Holland). i already knew that, cause the day after smoking pot i could feel the numbness when i tried to draw.

so, end of rant again. sorry if i sound like a born again whatever.
you know, sad as it is to have 'wasted' so much time on AL misery: this is something you can only experience after getting out of misery and fog like that.
like in the matrix, suddenly stepping into the real world. oh, and Ne is my Neo

[chigg]

Chigg's bac experience

wow, that was such a nice response and not blabbering at all. i really needed to hear that stuff and i think a lot of is starting to ring true. i'm doing SO much more than i used to be able to do. i started an intense workout program that there's no way i could have done before. i'm able to follow a diet i've always wanted to follow and discovered a way of eating that's working wonders for me (intermittent fasting that i saw in one of loop's post - i swear lurking on this website has changed me more than anything else in the last 20 years). sometimes during the day i feel so much energy i don't know what to do. like i'm a monster but in a really good way. sometimes i have to consciously stop myself from being too confident at work.

anyway, i just need to keep trying new things. i wish i could funnel the energy into cleaning the house and other really productive things, but if not, i'm going to keep trying new hobbies. and i couldn't have said it better about closing that circle. i've felt so exposed not having my drunken security blanket to crawl in at night, but what's the point of living if you can't be exposed to all of life, right? thanks so much for writing back!

[joanna_d]

Chigg's bac experience

chigg;1476342 wrote: like i'm a monster but in a really good way.

:H that's so beautifully put, exactly how i feel (*grins wildly*)

by the way: cleaning will never be a hobby of mine. so cleaning the bathroom late at night certainly has some monstrous qualities to it

[chigg]

Chigg's bac experience

I haven't posted in a while and was just looking over my old threads. Strange how quickly things can change. At the risk of jinxing myself, things have never been better for me and a lot of it is due to this forum (even though 99% was from just lurking).

I stopped drinking at New Year's but then decided I'd try to have a few drinks in March. One night I had 5 beers and woke up puking a little bit. Two nights later I went out with friends and had a lot of shots. I was completely worthless by 10pm and ended up puking in their kitchen. Alcohol hasn't made me sick in 10 years even after a fifth in an evening.

Since then I haven't had a single craving. The thought of drinking just sounds ridiculous. Why would I want a beer when I never really enjoyed the taste? I don't get the same buzz I used to, and now and for some reason I just end up getting sick? I go out with friends and I no longer get the feeling of, 'this is embarrassing that everyone is drinking and I'm not', or 'I wish I could be like them and just have a couple with dinner.' Now I just get a soda and I'm happy to just chat. I have complete confidence and disregard to what others happen to be drinking. Alcohol no longer seems like a reward for something, (there's ice cream or other treats for that), and it's no longer something to accompany self pity (I'll can just exercise or take a long shower to put things in perspective).

I can't imagine being like this without baclofen. I know it hasn't been long, but after 4 months sober in previous non-baclofen attempts my nights were filled with rage, depression, and obsession for what I was missing from alcohol.

I don't know what all the factors were to get me to this point. And i know this is just one case, and just because it works for me doesn't mean it works for everyone. And I do understand those who want to be able to have a few drinks and be 'normal' drinkers, and I certainly don't judge that. But I just want to say how happy and lucky I feel to have absolute sobriety. The desire for alcohol is just puzzling right now, and I never would have reached this point without so many of you sharing your stories and success. I hope everyone finds what works for them, and I hope I'm lucky enough to be saying these same things next year.

[Littlebluebird]

Chigg's bac experience

Wow! I really can't wait to be able to post something like that! I am so happy for you!

[bleep]

Chigg's bac experience

Great story Chigg, thanks for posting it.

[kronkcarr]

Chigg's bac experience

chigg,

I love a happy ending. Congratulations and thanks for coming back to post.

[spiritwolf333]

Chigg's bac experience

Your story is quite moving -especially for those of us just starting the Baclofen journey.

[skullbabyland]

Chigg's bac experience

Chigg,

Thanks so much for posting that update- it's very inspiring and fills me with hope when I read postings of success stories such as yours. Congratulations on all the good things in your life! If you don't mind telling us- at what dosage did you find your switch? Did you then go down to a maintenance dose? And what dosage and for how long do you intend to keep taking bac?

Thanks for any info, and again congrats!
Skullbaby

[chigg]

Chigg's bac experience

Thanks for the nice replies. Skull, my highest dosage was 240 in December. I've very, very slowly titrated down (just 10mg every other week or so) to 150 now. I'm planning on stay at this or maybe a slightly lower dose for up to a year. Side effects aren't bad and I don't want to mess with what's working. Hopefully a good year will help my brain repair and really solidify how great it is to be alcohol free. I know others are doing well with drinking in moderation on bac, and that's great if that's how it works for you. For me, I just don't see a reason to have a couple drinks here or there anymoe. I'll never be that person again so I'm just going to enjoy having my soda or coffee and staying sharp.

I'm not sure if it's an actual switch dose or if several things just came together for me. I think losing a lot of weight helped too because it made it very hard to find a good 'buzz' point between not buzzing at all and being incapacitated drunk at the time I did try drinking. I can't say enough that I believe everyone has to find what works for him or her. I don't think there's a formula unfortunately. I've experimented with baclofen for over 3 years now and it's taken me this long to find this spot. I'm just hoping to stay in this place with this dose. If I get a hint of cravings I'll slowly titrate up again (as long as Dr. L or online pharmacies are around .