Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

[omahawagon]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Focus on the progress you HAVE made, it sounds pretty impressive and something that you should be very proud of! Abstinence is great, but if your life is improving and you are in the "safe range" for drinking then you have gotten to a much better place than you were...so keep thinking about THAT

:happy:

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Thank you Stuck and Omaha!:h

Sometimes I forget I have come a long way. I need to remember that. For all the pain we go through with the Bac SEs the one positive is one drink is not the end.

I was at an AA meeting earlier this week and a young kid (under 20) said he had recently celebrated his two years. Then he said he had a glass of wine in Europe. A week later he had three bottles of his dad's wine. I did not see him at the next meeting.

I hope he is OK.

The thing is he has no other ability to tough it out except AA. On Bac (even with the nasty SEs) a drink (or 2 or 6) or even a string of days is not the end. For that I am eternally grateful. I am grateful I am where I am today

[TexasAg]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Mary,

I agree with Omaha, you should be proud.

You and I have many similarities, I'm just a little farther down the curve. I hear you about the AA slogans and for the longest time I would beat myself up. It's been 9 months since I quit the bingeing roller coaster and my wife still has not read any of the info I've sent her on Bac or really been interested to learn. There's a lot of anger there and I've been genuinely taking my medicine (literally my Bac and figuratively from her). I understand the anger and fear she has but I know I'm a different man than the person from a year ago.

It's weird that I should read your post today. I've been building my strength to have a heart to heart with my wife. I had just decided today is the day and I read your post. I'm convinced now.

My point is that you are doing good. You should be proud. If you're not at indifference, you're close. That does not have to mean abstinance. It means that we do not have to be in the clutches of alcohol. It means we do not have to beat ourselves up or think we're the POS alcohol told us we were.

Bac is a strange medicine. To be honest, I don't know if it's the Bac or just not being in the clutches anymore that enables me to feel decent about myself. I do know it takes time. If you've read my postings you see I've ran the gamut of emotions. It has taken me 9 months but i feel ok. And on many days I feel good. But it's taken me this long to get to like myself (most of the time :H). And as cliche as it sounds, it has to start with you!

You have come a long way! You should be proud of yourself! I'm proud of you! And if your husband doesn't see it, well, give it some time. And if he still doesn't see it, understand his hurt and anger. And if he still doesn't see it, have a heart to heart!

My prayers and best wishes are with you!
Wish me luck!

Cheers!

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Tex-

I really appreciate your insights and comments and I sincerely thank you for the good vibes!

I agree we have to accept our part in the messes and work to make it right BUT there is a time when we have to stand up and be confident again.

This is really corny but I learned the following concept in a peer to peer training session in high school. It is called the "bucket theory."

Each of us carries a bucket. It is our self esteem. Sometimes our buckets are full and sometimes they are quite empty. For some people, when their buckets are empty, they try to dip their spoon in another bucket to fill up their own (kinda like stealing). it is commonly in the form of a put down or an insult. The only problem is the spoon is filled with holes. They might get the esteem out of your bucket but it drops along the way and never gets in their bucket. It is a completely wasted effort and no one wins. The best way to transfer esteem from one bucket to be given it out of kindness or to ask. Often people will freely fill other buckets because they have plenty and are glad to share.

As an adult, I would add the corollary that alcohol is another way that we try to fill our bucket but overtime the alcohol is corrosive and burns holes in the bottom of the bucket. It takes time to heal those holes but it can be done. While we fix the holes we spend a lot of time beating ourselves up for creating the hole in the first place

I hope your talk goes well. I have been very inspired by your story. You are doing fantastic. The whole point in getting better is standing up again and feeling good about yourself and the future.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

MaryGo, you've been very much on my mind for many days. It's the damn bricklayers! But not just that.

These days I'm finding myself a bit finger-fumbled (as opposed to tongue tied) when I try to write anything, so I've avoided doing it almost completely (not just here.) But I found a truth somewhere along this journey that continues to amaze me in it's simplicity, profundity and efficacy. It is this:

When I tell people what it is that I need there are only two results: I get it and we have saved a lot of time and energy. Or they cannot provide it and I must look elsewhere in order to get what I need.

"I need support."
"I cannot give you support"
"I will find support in a different way."

OR

"I need support."
"I am wary of giving support."
"I understand."

OR

"I need support."
"Ok."
"Thanks."
(Sometimes it really is that simple. It's crazy that way.)

No matter what, dialogue ensues and solutions can be found. (And if there is no dialogue, and no nothing, well then there's the answer...)

It does not have to be threatening. In fact, any threat or hurt implied by the words, the way they might be interpreted if I said them defensively, is completely removed when I'm clear about what I actually need. When I am clear, i don't have to use confrontational or angry words. If I need something (or even just want it) it's fair and reasonable to express it. I can't expect the other person (people) to read my mind.

I would not suggest (for instance) that I will find support in a way that compromises my relationship with the person with whom I'm intimately involved. Neither would I suggest that living without support is an okay thing. I need support. Period. So in what way can I change this situation so that I can find the support I need?

I am going to post this, though the thoughts are only half there. You may find some benefit in them in terms of thinking about your personal relationships. But I'll tell you where you will be absolutely blown away: If you tell people (strangers) what you need, they just do it. Or not. It's so bleedin' beautiful! It actually worked with the cable company!

Okay, so one last thing: Baclofen sucks. It tests and tries lots of things in all kinds of ways. (So does attempting to achieve sobriety in any kind of way. This is a fact often overlooked by those of us in the meds threads, but should not be underestimated.) You can (if you want) hang on to the stuff we all learned in the program. That didn't work for me AT ALL. What worked for me was to let all of that go and focus on the one thing that held me back from all of the things that are possible: the fact that I drank booze against my will for more than 20 years. When I stopped drinking against my will, (finally, finally, finally,) I could absolutely dismiss all of the baggage in the program and embrace (with a whole and clear heart) the wisdom and beauty. Taking my own inventory after I was free was a very, very, very different thing than before I was free. I hope you can put that off for a tiny little bit longer.

Here's one truism that transcends this process, but is especially true (from my perspective) of baclofen: Do not give up before the miracle happens.

I truly hope you find indifference. It will revolutionize your life.

(Sticky and Laurie, in case you're reading over here: These thoughts are also with you guys in mind. Do. Not. Give. Up. Sticky, jkttdp. seriously. That's all I've got. Laurie, have you read WindyCityLady's thoughts? Have you considered LDB? Do you know there is a huge big wide margin between pushing your way into HDB and awful SEs and zero? There is. And lots of other solutions, too. just sayin', sisters. Hang in there.)

[Juan BH]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

MaryGoRound;1496196 wrote: Tex-

I really appreciate your insights and comments and I sincerely thank you for the good vibes!

I agree we have to accept our part in the messes and work to make it right BUT there is a time when we have to stand up and be confident again.

This is really corny but I learned the following concept in a peer to peer training session in high school. It is called the "bucket theory."

Each of us carries a bucket. It is our self esteem. Sometimes our buckets are full and sometimes they are quite empty. For some people, when their buckets are empty, they try to dip their spoon in another bucket to fill up their own (kinda like stealing). it is commonly in the form of a put down or an insult. The only problem is the spoon is filled with holes. They might get the esteem out of your bucket but it drops along the way and never gets in their bucket. It is a completely wasted effort and no one wins. The best way to transfer esteem from one bucket to be given it out of kindness or to ask. Often people will freely fill other buckets because they have plenty and are glad to share.

As an adult, I would add the corollary that alcohol is another way that we try to fill our bucket but overtime the alcohol is corrosive and burns holes in the bottom of the bucket. It takes time to heal those holes but it can be done. While we fix the holes we spend a lot of time beating ourselves up for creating the hole in the first place

I hope your talk goes well. I have been very inspired by your story. You are doing fantastic. The whole point in getting better is standing up again and feeling good about yourself and the future.

Here here on the corollary! It certainly rings true for me. The bucket theorem was pretty spot on, too. Thank you for sharing these and you ARE making progress. :goodjob:

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

SWITCHED - 230 mgs

So I finally feel good about sharing the news. On the 23rd, I knew I either overdosed or under dosed. I had trouble sleeping (I took more Ambien) and got through the night. The next day I felt strange and not so great but no desire at all to drink. It was quite amazing.

So of course my next thought is, "how fast and how far" - I wanted to race down. This last week I have been playing around with doses. The driving issue was a job interview and I am "out of it" at 230. I wanted to get down to over a few days to 205-210. As soon as I go down the next day thoughts come back. So I am back at 230 and blessed indifference.

I know it is crazy to go down so soon but I was hoping I could still have indifference but be more on my game but now I know I need to stay put for awhile.

At lower doses, AL thoughts go away most of the time but the window was still open during certain times and I often went through it. At 230 there are no thoughts.

I do feel I am operating in a tighter range of emotions and this is directly due to Bac. I am also feeling, at times, more depressed which I also contribute to Bac. On the other hand, I feel great not being tortured by AL thoughts and that makes me very happy.

[StuckinLA]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

CONGRATS Mary!!!!!!!!!!

:l:l

[TexasAg]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

:goodjob: I'm so happy for you Mary!

Careful, I was anxious to come down too after switch and went down tooo far and had to go back up.

That being said, It's awesome and just a matter of hitting that right dosage.

Truly happy for you!

:l:l

Cheers!

[StuckinLA]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Hi Reggie! Hope you're doing OK, mate.

[kronkcarr]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

MaryGoRound,

I just read your thread! Wow. I'm so happy that you've hit your switch. Congrats. And thanks for such an articulate thread.

[Juan BH]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Great news Mary! I am inspired.

[Juan BH]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

How long do you think you will stay at this dose?

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

I am not sure how long I will stay at the dose. I think they recommend 2-3 months. It will depend on the SEs.

By the way, to be completely truthful, I am still drinking some for some messed up reason. I don't need it or even get much out of it. I still have to fix my mind...I do think I am at indifference but I still have memories and habits that linger despite the fact I am not craving AL.

[bleep]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

That's the trick. What a lot of people do at the point you are at is to do a 30 day spell with no drinking. It's something that would be very difficult to do pre-baclofen, but now is no big deal, really. It solidifies it in your head, and breaks the habit. The habit is very powerful, and this is a good way to break free.