Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

[MaryGoRound]

Hi all-

I have been quiet for awhile but I finally decided to start my own thread. I am into my 9th week on Baclofen and I think it is working! I am on 100-110 mgs per day (about 2mg/kg of body weight). I basically have not drank for two weeks. I say "basically" because I did test it on two occasions with two drinks each. The first test made me sick (nausea has been a side effect for me). The second test was more troubling b/c I only had two drinks but I could have had more.

I am on vacation with my family and I swore I would not wreck it like I did our last vacation. I am really trying to be good. The real test is when I get back to real life.

The last weeks have not been easy. Even when I started Bac, I could not stop drinking at first. I have had a terrible time as a result of drinking. I had several big blow ups with my husband, lost my contract position, and had a minor car fender bender (maybe b/c I was hung over or maybe b/c of side effects...I was not drunk at the time). The loss of the position was heartbreaking. I know the loss was related to my erratic behavior caused by drinking. It was also due to a personality conflict with new leadership. I needed to leave anyway, but I hated that I was forced out instead of leaving on my own.

The side effects from Bac were bad and made worse by drinking while on Bac. I had reached a point that I was scared to go forward with Bac but also scared because I was out of options. Was it ever going to work? I was leaving the country and was worried about the negative effects of Bac. Was I crazy to believe in this "miracle pill?" it was definitely potent but maybe not in the way I wanted it to be. I had met Dr. L several times but he was very spacey when I last spoke to him on the phone about the need to tell the pharmacy about how to increase my dose. I am still on the 78 pills/ prescription. I ended filling a double percription before I left and paid for the second percription out of pocket. I also told him about the side effects. He refused to beleive in any side effects and said they were not related to Bac. There have been side effect and they are real.

The good news is I have lost my incesent urge to drink. I don't know if I have reached the infamous "switch" but it takes a lot less effort to put off drinking until I just forget about it. One side effect that worries me is my indifference to more than drinking. I think I could go up more to get the true switch dose but I don't want to lose my zest for life. I would rather use other tools in conjuction with Bac instead of becoming indifferent to life. Has anyone else experienced this issue? My plan is to hold steady and this dose and see if I can manage. I will let you know how it goes.

[playland]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

HI MaryGo,
Just want to say hi and add my encouragement to you and feel for your situation. I don't take BAC, i don't think I could take the SEs and I know that it is dangerous to just stop taking, i'm always thinking of that strange thing happening that is unforseen. But I do respect your choices, admire your courage and am here if you need to talk, PM me, I'm here for you:h

I'm sad that your experience in meeting the doctor L. was not as you might have hoped for and expected and why would he deny that there are SE?

So, anyway, hold tight, I know that other people have had some good results even with a low dose, and yes, please don't lose your ZEST FOR LIFE:h Use whatever means you can in combination, supplements, hypnotherapy, exercise, good diet, .

You are in my heart and prayers,
play

[Xadrian]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

MaryGoRound;1437774 wrote: One side effect that worries me is my indifference to more than drinking.

I became indifferent to issues that normally could keep my mind busy for at least a few days, but aren't that important at all.
Baclofen made me put it in perspective.

But I'm afraid that's not what you mean.

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

What I mean about the "zest" for life is the way I feel when I quit alcohol on my own without medicine. It never lasted more than a few weeks but I always felt great after the first few days. Why I would go back to drinking if I feel good not drinking? This is the insane part of the addiction.

Anyway, I think what I am experiencing could be just a side effect that will go away after awhile. I definitely love the "space" I am getting. I am amazed that when I see a bar full of liquor I can't relate to it on an emotional level. Before, looking at the bar would create all sorts of fantasies in my head.

I don't what to give the impression that Bac is not worth it because, at this point, it definitely is worth everything! I just worry about having to stay on it for a long period of time and hence not feeling other things in my life.

[TexasAg]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Hi Mary, thanks for your story. I take it your holiday vacation went well?

I understand exactly what you mean about not wanting to lose the zest for life. Hopefully it is a side effect that will go away like the others did.

Are you staying on 100mgs? I went up to 160mgs couldn't stay cuz of the SE's and titrated down and come to find out that I probably hit indifference at about 120mgs. I went down to 80mgs which in hindsight was too quick to go down. I'm staying at 100mgs cuz I don't have any SE's and no cravings just the "zest" thing. I plan on staying here a while.

BTW, I spoke to my sponsor today and he sounds like he's coming around with his thinking on Bac. In the big scheme of things, it shouldn't be important, but I like and appreciate him for being there for me pre-Bac so it was nice to hear. I also think there's a place for Bac and AA to work hand in hand. Just my 2 cents.

Cheers!

[TexasAg]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Hi Mary!

How's it going? Just thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way!

cheers!

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Hi Tex-

Thank you for the shout out. My vacation went very well and then when I got back home and into my familiar routine it fell apart! It very quickly fell apart.

It was very helpful to got out of my environment for 2 weeks. I understand why rehab can be effective...if nothing else you are forced to change your day.

I did not keep up my guard and I am paying the price. As I alluded to in previous posts, I was concerned about losing my "zest" (whatever that means but I think a few people can relate). For that reason, I wanted to maintain my dose and work and try to use Bac as a tool instead of my limiting gate.

I was not ready.

Before I knew it I was back into my old routine. I was still taking the Bac but definitely not going up. I will bet I actually went down a few days because I didn't want to get sick from drinking. Excellent choice...what if the Bac interfered with my drinking? So crazy!

I must get a grip and realize that I am out of choices. I know Bac can work but I do have to work with it!

I just read a book call, "Final Approach, Northwest Flight 650: Tragedy and Triumph." This is the story of the first commercial flight captain caught flying drunk. He was also the first one to go to prison. What a story! Definitely an AA success story. I am truly glad the program worked for him and his story is inspirational. He did his time, worked his way back, retired as a 747 captain at Northwest Airlines, and received a presidential pardoned from Clinton.

I sometimes feel like a failure when I realize AA can't work for me in the same way. I have talked about it before but I continue to be so conflicted. I wish I could just get with the program.

But...and this is huge...I do think that I can get past alcohol. I am so happy to hear everyone's success stories and it it makes me very hopeful.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Hey Mary.
AA works for some people. Very few get and stay sober. And even in the program, they frequently refer to rock bottom...Pretty sure if you were in the situation that pilot was in you would find yourself in a very different position. For all the rest of us...There're different solutions. (I really struggle in meetings when normal people talk about being abnormal, and then compare themselves to someone in a position that isn't remotely familiar/similar. You know? I'm not suggesting it's apples and oranges, but there are LOTS of different kinds of apples in the world. Boy am I digging a deep hole of a random tangent here. Sorry.)

Look, it's medicine. It may change how you feel (and I posted a bit about my experience over on Texas Ag's thread related to that) but it doesn't and won't change who you are. And once you give up the sauce, you will likely find that being you, on baclofen, without booze, is a really beautiful thing. I did. So did many others. The SEs suck, no doubt about it, but it's a short run in the scheme of things. And then, poof! It's over and you'll forget what it was like to be a slave to the bottle.

At least I hope that's the case. 'cause it really is worth it.

[Colin]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

MaryGoRound;1445552 wrote:
I sometimes feel like a failure when I realize AA can't work for me in the same way. I have talked about it before but I continue to be so conflicted. I wish I could just get with the program.

This paragraph captures much that is wrong with AA. Talk of failure, shame, guilt etc. is the religious baggage inflicted on alcoholics by AA. One of the early steps assigns the blame to God so why not go on a bender? The blame can safely be assigned to God due to the earlier step where the supplicant acknowledges his inablity to control his drinking. As well to be hung for a goat as for a lamb.

Simply saying several million times "My name is Marlon and I am an alcoholic" is a self fulfilling prophesy.

AA might work for 5% of the members but that 5% might have helped themselves if they hadn't gone to AA. Add on the fact that AA seems a miserable humourless bunch and there isn't much positive left.

[Xadrian]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Colin;1445978 wrote: This paragraph captures much that is wrong with AA. Talk of failure, shame, guilt etc. is the religious baggage inflicted on alcoholics by AA.

If one says he talked to God, he is considered completely normal.
If one says he talked to Elvis, he probably will be institutionalized.

AA tends to blame alcoholism to a lack of believe and thrust in God and tells people that if you believe in God enough, you will be cured from alcoholism.

Do they dare to claim the same with cancer?

The whole religious aspect of AA is against my own belief and belief in God is the core of the AA treatment.
For me, all the religious books are just legends, which through the ages have been subject to censorship by those who though they should decide what people have to believe or not.

So no AA for me. I can understand why AA is not the solution for others too.

Let me just believe in myself and decide what appears right to me, as far as I'm allowed to by other people.

[Hippyman]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

The only thing I really liked about AA was that there was a group of people I could hang out with that don't drink and that understand why I don't drink. I'm slowly getting back out into the real world and have started asking people to meet me at the coffee shop instead of the bar.

[TexasAg]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

I agree with Hipster, AA has some good people that I appreciate and can hang out with. I don't have a problem with the spiritual side, but I do have a problem with the shaming and inferring that our "failure" is due to a lack of honesty or lack of our spiritual side. I've always considered myself spiritual and am glad that God led me to MWO and baclofen.

I've since stopped going to AA. I think there's a beautiful opportunity that AA is missing. If they could only come to accept, not just in words, that alcoholism is a disease and can be combined to be treated physically also.

I wanted to send a shout out to Mary! How are you? What's the status?

Cheers!

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Hi All-

I have not checked in for awhile (hey Tex, thanks for the shout out).

Dare I say I think I hit my switch last week! I have not wanted to call it a victory just yet...but I am at the point that the thought of alcohol can be dismissed easily enough. It has been about 10 days since I last drank. I am at 160 mgs. The SEs are manageable especially if I don't drink It is funny how it can work like that.

I did go through a few days of really bad depression. I don't know why this happened. Was it the Bac, withdrawal, too much exercise, other? For now I am in a good spot.

I just hope this is really it. I do know that I still have the urge to pull down the shades, turn off the phone, and check out. I realize this urge to escape is beyond alcohol but now I can at least recognize it. For me, it has not been a "switch" so much as a dimmer. At some point the light turned off (or on?) and I realized I could control my urges.

So I am going to let this new period settle in and, if this really it, I hope to post on the Sweet Success page!

[TexasAg]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Howdy Mary! How's it going? I just posted on Sweet Success so it's waiting for you!

We have a lot of similarities with our Bac journey. The AA, family response, zest (depression), and dimmer switch!

Just wanted to let you know, my zest is returning (again, not on/off, on the dimmer switch)

Cheers!

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Tex, I saw your success story. It was really good to hear your story in one place. I had heard bits and pieces but it was nice to hear it as complete story.

To be honest, I am not 100%. When I do drink, it is not from a random urge but from a habit. I am sooo much better.

I went to an AA meeting on Sunday (I felt bullied into it by a leader of the group...I know he cares). Of course I cannot admit I have 30-60-90 days. The awful feeling I have when I leave meetings is that I continue to be a loser. I am outraged! It makes me feel like I want to drink:H

Seriously, my point is that I am better. I wish my story could follow the Hollywood Arc with the sad story beginning, the struggle for a solution, and then the beautiful and clean outcome of a life that has been cleanly redeemed.

The truth is I am having trouble leaving my habit. Of course it means I need to go up. I have been at 160 for awhile. I am OK with the SEs at this dose and if I could get my mind together I could make this dose work. But....I am still drinking every 7-10 days -sometimes more. This means I need to go up! I am glad I wrote this because it gives me resolve. I could get even better so I need to try to give myself the chance.

The real issue is this sickening feeling I get from AA. I do love the community and my group is Quad A which is for agnostics and atheists. Some people are religious but the group keeps God out of the the AA equation. For that reason, it is a very liberal minded group. Still...I get the feeling that I am a loser. Even though I am 10xs better, the fact that I am not 100% means I am still in the grips of the disease. Also, I feel like "some" members are waiting for me to admit this magic pill was a hoax and I should get with the real program.

I should just walk away but I really do like the wisdom that people bring to these groups. Of course, there are some leaders that think in AA is the one and only way, but there are also less vocal people that are more open and accepting. At this last meeting there were many new people.

As you can see, I want to be a part of a community that shares many of my own struggles but I am finding it hard to find a comfortable place in a space that will not allow communication on new treatments. At the same time, I know many of these "new people" will wash out be because they will have the same problems with the dogma. I would like to be there for them in some way.