Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

I am still taking the Baclofen. Currently I am on 210 mgs and I have not hit the switch. I was hopeful at different levels, as I mentioned in previous posts, but I still have cravings at 210 mgs. I know I could go up but I am conflicted between the hope of the switch versus the very real and immediate SEs.

I keep getting on and off the merry go round.

In addition to baclofen I am employing more traditional tools to help me get past some of the AL issues (including reading through MWO, mind tools, and yes...AA!). I am forcing myself into AF time regardless of indifference. Currently I am on day 5. I have been here before so it is not new but it is better than where I have been.

To all my fellow travelers, I relish all your stories of success. I also appreciate the honesty of falling. These stories help me just as much.:thanks:

[bleep]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Hi Mary,

I relate to what you say about AA. I recently attended a meeting, full of very nice people actually, and at the end of the meeting they have this little thing where they clap for 1 day sober, 2 days sober, etc... I wouldn't mind going again, but I don't want the concerned attention that will come from constantly being on a few days sober all the time! And being quite happy with it, no less. Anyway, I'll see how that plays out. I'm not really going with an eye to drawing comfort from it, in fact I've no idea why I'm going, so perhaps it's better to stop. As you can see, I'm a little confused.

Sorry to hear you haven't reached indifference yet. Sometimes it's simply because you aren't on enough baclofen, but sometimes it seems to me that there is more at play. You may find your enforced abstinence does the trick, and suddenly kicks indifference in. Murph wrote a very good post back in the days about this, which might be helpful for you to read, but I'm buggered if I know how to find it? Murph - it started with you playing in the meadows, if I recall, have you any idea where to find it? It went on to say that true indifference was beyond some people, but that was okay. I'll see if I can find it for you when I'm not at work.

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

My Descent

I realize I have not told my history, so I will piece some of it together here. I really wanted to start a new thread (I hate the typo error I made in the thread name) but I thought it best to keep the information in one place.

I am a 44 yr old women in the Midwest of the US. I had my first drink at 13 and was a regular weekend drinker at 16. Even at 16 I knew I loved Alcohol but I was very controlled about my drinking. It was not easy to come by at that age so I would stock up and only allow myself a max of 3 beers. There were times of excess, of course, but mostly it was controlled.

In college I drank much more. The motto was "work hard and play hard." Graduating from my engineering program was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

After college I realized I did not want to actually "be" an engineer :H so I got my employer to sponsor me for a Masters Degree in non-engineering course of study. I worked in the day and went to school at night. Off nights and weekends were devoted to studies. In three years, I received my degree.

I only mention the above because I am amazed at my drive, focus, and ability to get things done in my twenties. I could never do the same thing today.

Throughout my twenties I remained a restrained drinker. I drank everyday but only enough to get the relaxed feeling (at first 1-2 but later up to 3). On the weekends it was more.

I had two children, one in my late twenties and one at 30. Both times I was worried about giving up the booze but I was able to do so. In both cases after a few weeks I was down for the count with all day sickness which relieved me of all cravings. After each child I went back to drinking.

In my early 30s I started my long and painful slide. I went from highly functional drinker to my current state of barely getting by. It is very painful to think about the slide. I used alcohol as a mood enhancer, anxiety reliever, sleeping pill, etc. but I fully crossed the line when I turned to it as an escape. It worked! Very well and I could get away with it, for awhile. I don't know when I stopped getting away with it but it did happen :upset:.

I did the usual diets...only a certain amount, not before or after a certain time, only a certain type of alcohol...like I said the usual diets. To varying degrees the diets worked for awhile until they didn't. I would end up worse than before.

Then the hiding began. Oh my, the hiding was both literal and figurative and it has been bad. I did not want my husband, my kids, or even myself to know how much I was drinking so I would hide it.

I do not act out when I am using alcohol, I check out. I do not have blackouts but plenty of greyouts. I do not lose chunks of time but I do lose a good share of conversations. I went from a daily drinker to more of a binge drinker with a few AF days mixed in. Until recently, I have been drinking 1+ bottles of wine a day. Infrequently more than 2 bottles and some days less than 1 bottle. On bac, I have the same ranges but more time on the lower side. When I go to the upper limit, I can get in trouble because I don't know the outcome. This is one of the dangers I have noticed for me while drinking on Bac. I don't react the same way to AL. I don't realize when I am drunk.

I have tried many ways out. For years I have known that I am an alcoholic. I have to get this right. I have recently lost my job and it was a direct result of not being able to function properly. I could have easily done the work if I would have sat down and focused! I am no good to a new employer unless I can fix my drinking.

I am determined to get this fixed.

[TexasAg]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Hi Mary,

I haven't stopped by for a while but I'm so glad to see you posting. I'm sorry you haven't reached indifference. I think you and I have a lot in common. I didn't hit a switch but kinda eased into it. I went down in dosage before I realized I was o.k. have you tried that?

How is your family? I think one of the biggest triggers for me was my anxiety and instability at home. It's dificult enough trying to do this on our own but it's even harder if our loved ones aren't supportive.

It's amazing to see so many high achievers that struggle with alcohol. There's a connection I'm sure. But just think, once you hit indifference (or slide into it) then you can focus your mind and accomplish soo much.

Cheers!

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Hi Bleep-

I hear you about the AA clap. For that reason, my rule is not to share my count of days in that setting. If you have reached your switch on baclofen, and stay on a maintenance dose, total abstinance does not seem neccessary. I am just going to try to get a string of AF days as a way to kick start the process.

By the way, after reading some of the past posts, it does bother me that the maintenance dose could still be outside the maximum reccomended dose. I would love to get my maintenace dose to 80 mgs or lower but I will worry about that later. First things first (now I sound like AA ).If you do go to AA I would love to hear how it goes.

Hi Tex-

Long time no see my friend! I was wondering about you. Glad to hear everything is going well.

[omahawagon]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Thanks for sharing your story MaryGoRound...it sounds very familiar with the binging and hiding. I hope that switch arrives for you soon

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

TexasAg;1489384 wrote:

How is your family? I think one of the biggest triggers for me was my anxiety and instability at home. It's dificult enough trying to do this on our own but it's even harder if our loved ones aren't supportive.

The family is holding up. I am lucky. I will admit it is hard for me to come to grips with all the pain I have caused. My thoughts have always been along the lines, "Its not you, it's me." Further, my thoughts were, "I am not hurting you, I am only trying to deal."

Well, the family seems to think it is both. They definitely think it is me (and they have let me know) but I can also see that I have hurt them.

Wow! While I should have known I am not living in a bubble, I didn't know how bad it was for others.

I may need a drink....(I wanted to add a laugh but maybe that is not so funny).

My hubby knows I am trying a "medicine" but he really knows nothing about it. He wants results (alpha male!). I am fine with that but that means I have no real backup. Once I know this works, and he has confidence, I can rely on him. Until then, I feel like I am swimming without life support...except for all my completely anonymous MYO friends.

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

By the way, where is Hippyman? They are worried about him on the other threads and I am too.

Has anyone heard from him? He was a serial poster and his last post was 4-2-2013.

[TexasAg]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

I used to tell Stuck that if I was single without kids that it would be hard for me to even TRY to be sober. That would be tough for me.

But it's tough with spouse and kids. There are a lot of things and time I wish I had back. My hardest part is accepting I can't go back and let go and go forward. But I'm very blessed. My kids (they're not kids anymore :upset seem to have selective memory for the good things and God willing one will come to terms with me in time.

My wife doesn't have such selective memory, well at least not just for the good times. But I think this also will come in time. It's hard to believe that at this time last year I was bingeing with no end in sight.

I'm hoping you hit indifference (or ease into indiference) soon! I'm looking forward to seeing where/how we'll be one year from now!

Cheers!

[TexasAg]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Where is the Hipster?

[bleep]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Good post Texas. My wife seems to have a very selective memory, either that or were more bad times than I remember!

Mary, while having the support of your husband would be nice, it's not necessary. You can do this, and when you look back on it, I hope it is with fondness. We all have a selective memory, which can be useful at times. Maybe if you explain to him that his support will greatly assist you in getting results, he might be more willing to climb in? One of the reasons my wife came on board was when I showed her a few threads detailing some of the less pleasant SE's. She was more willing to accept that it might work when she saw what I was prepared to go through!

[TexasAg]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Bleep, :H agreed, I tend to not remember all the bad times. Thank God cell phone videos and cameras have only been popular the last few years!

Mary, I completely agree with Bleep, you can do this!

Cheers!

[TexasAg]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Hi Mary!

How are you? Any updates?

Cheers!

[MaryGoRound]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Hi- I am still here.

I can't say my plan for abstinence is going well but my alcohol intake is much lower. I would say I am in the "safe" range.

That being said, I am annoyed about my habitual drinking. I still have a goal of getting off for good but I am not there. I need to work on the mind part.

Baclofen does work! My maximum dose was 210 mg. I backed off to 200 mg and I may go down to the 180 mg range. I want to work my mind muscle and see what I can do. I can always go back up if needed.

I keep having the AA and other "total abstinence" banners in my head. If I ever want to be free of everything I can't drink at all.

Also, I am really sick with a chest cold (or worse?). I always get melodramatic when I get sick. :H The result is I texted my husband the name of the drug, the dosage, and Dr. L's contact information. His first response was, "you know work can track all my texts?"... but then it was fine. He now has the information and I know he will look out for me if something were to happen.

[StuckinLA]

Has Balcafen Stopped thecMaryGoRound of Drinking?

Good to hear you're cutting back, Mary. Don't fret too much over the AA slogans, though in my experience long-ish stretches of pure, AF, capital-S Sobriety are probably better. I do just get so godawful depressed during those times. It's just a lame choice, between depression on the one hand, and drinking/anxiety on the other. Oh well--hopefully you'll find a better balance.

Don't worry too much about the bac info, either. It's really super important, of course, but also in my experience no one really gives a shit. I went into the ER one night, via ambulance sadly, and had all that info about the drug and the dosage, and was freaking out and anxious and nearly passed out from the anxiety/bac/AL/weed (don't ask--it was a rough night ), and I overheard one of the docs say to another "it's just a muscle relaxer." Yeah, well I was on 240mg of it, genius.

That's not to make you all paranoid. But others have had similar, even more bizarre experiences. And the medical establishment just simply doesn't seem to understand/care about bac and its consequences, medically speaking. So make sure someone(s) have your info, and be ready to be your own advocate, and don't expect the "experts" to know anything or particularly care. :l