I am a 27 year old male alcoholic. I have been drinking heavily and regularly for the duration of my twenties, and have plenty of alcoholism preceding me in both sides of my family tree. Most of my friends know about it, and are generally in denial or unaware of the severity, but as far as I know, my family has no idea about anything. I typically consume around 10 drinks per night, and this has been the case for the last several years. I sometimes miss work because of hangovers, and although I never drink before or during work, and never have issues with cravings to drink while on the job, once I get home, the alcohol flows and I drink until I pass out. I wake up, typically hung over, go into work, and by the time quitting time rolls around, the hangover is gone and when I get home from work, the cycle repeats itself. Every day.
I have never sought any kind of treatment for my condition because I have always been well-aware of the commonly-held belief that alcoholism is incurable, "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic," and I couldn't stand the idea of quitting via the traditional means - abstinence, which seems both terrifying and impossible, coupled with AA or similar, which statistically does not work ~90% of the time. I witnessed that approach fail with my father as a teenager, and although he did finally get clean, it was only through a massively invasive year-long program that was essentially inpatient rehab, plus anxiety medication. He has remained sober for several years, but I have watched as almost every other member of my extended family who's struggled with various forms of addiction (there are many) has failed over and over again. With my family's perceptions molded by the experiences of my other family members, I shudder to think of the consequences if they found out that I was an alcoholic, and just how severe my condition has gotten.
My first attempt to do something about this was in 2011, when I learned about the Sinclair method and naltrexone. After reading Roy Eskapa's book, I decided I would try it. I skipped the step of going to my doctor and ordered some naltrexone from a foreign pharmacy website. My doctor was unaware of my alcoholism, and I was not willing to risk being denied the naltrexone and instead coerced into traditional treatment, as well as having my medical records forever marked with the "alcoholic" label.
The naltrexone arrived and I proceeded to titrate myself up to the recommended 50 mg/day dose, which I maintained for the latter half of 2011. At first, my alcohol intake dropped a bit, but I never had a single alcohol-free day, and eventually stabilized at an average intake of 8 drinks per night, which I logged meticulously. When it finally became apparent that I was not responding to the treatment, I gave up on it and returned to my old habits full-force.
In late 2011 and early 2012, some issues came up in my personal life (not caused directly by drinking) which created unprecedented levels of stress and anxiety. It eventually let to the point where I was barely able to function at work, and went to my doctor, who prescribed me various different medications during the first couple months of the year. During the evening, I had alcohol, and that was sufficient to alleviate my anxiety issues, but during the day, I needed something to function. Eventually, I was prescribed a benzo, which was effective enough for me to get by on during the day.
I tried regular exercise and extensive supplementation of my diet with vitamins and supplements in 2012, and although it did seem improve my subjective quality of life a bit, it did nothing to reduce my desire to drink or the amount I consumed.
Finally, a few months ago I reached another breaking point and decided to give naltrexone another shot. I figured that maybe it had not worked because I didn't follow the Sinclair method strictly enough, didn't make sure to always take the pill at least an hour before drinking, and that maybe the advertised "no willpower required" tagline was wrong, and that I ought to use as much willpower as I could to make TSM work. Again, I experienced the "honeymoon" initial drop in consumption, and even managed to power through two separate alcohol-free days in February. I started to think optimistically about what the future had in store for the first time in a very long time.
My optimism quickly faded as, just as it did in 2011, my desire to drink and the amount I consumed quickly came right back up to the same level they were at before I had started taking the naltrexone again. I came onto this forum looking to read some posts about people's experiences with TSM, mainly to try and talk myself into continuing to take the naltrexone, or possibly to learn what I was doing wrong. What surprised me was that there were almost no threads about TSM or naltrexone. Instead, everyone was talking about baclofen. I didn't know anything about baclofen.
I did a little bit of reading online. I ordered Amiesen's book.
Actually, I went to the local bookstore first, but when they didn't have it, and told me it was out of print, I came home, dejected, only to find out that the book is now being sold under a different name, and ordered it online. It showed up a week later, I read it, and became convinced, moreso than I was when I finished Eskapa's book. As I mentioned before, I learned in early 2012 that I have been suffering from anxiety my entire life and did not fully realize it until a stressful event brought me to the point where it dominated my life and I couldn't ignore it. Amiesen's assertions that most, if not all, cases of alcoholism coincide with anxiety disorders, and that it's not the alcoholism that causes the anxiety, but the other way around, resonated deeply with me.
So, I ordered some baclofen. Again, skipping the doctor. I ordered a lot of it, enough to last about six weeks on an aggressive titration schedule of adding 20 mg/day every third day. It typically takes about two weeks from ordering to receiving the medication from the online pharmacy I use, so that gives me at least three weeks to see how I tolerate the baclofen, and then three more weeks to receive the next shipment if I choose to continue the treatment.
April 5, 2013
The first shipment arrived Friday. I got home from work and immediately took 10 mg at 7 PM. Three hours later, at 10 PM, I took another 10 mg, and within 30 minutes had to go to bed due to being so sleepy. I normally can't get to sleep until about 1 AM. During this period, I had several drinks, which I didn't count, but was probably around 6 to 8 drinks by the time I fell asleep.
The dreams, they were absolutely nuts. I dreamt vivid dreams all night like I have never experienced in my life. I encountered several characters who were combinations of people I know in my life, mainly girls I have dated over the last few years, as well as a mixture of two recent roommates of mine who was suffering from some strange form of mental illness that was very distressing. To be honest, half the reason I am writing this post is to share these unbelievable dream experiences with someone. Only one of my friends knows I am taking baclofen, and it's killing me not being able to tell anyone about the crazy dreams I have been having on this stuff. It's not only the content of the dreams, but the clarity and vividness of what's happening, and how much of it I remember. Normally, my dreams are a fog; a shapeless, mostly nonsensical stream of neurons firing randomly with little or no coherent "plot" to it and little in the way of clear visual or auditory perception, and I wake up remembering almost nothing.
April 6, 2013
I took 10 mg three times at five-hour intervals. Toward the latter half of the day, I started drinking, and after taking the last 10 mg, went to a party, where I drank more than I ought to have, and kind of made an ass out of myself. Nothing new there. When I finally got home, at about midnight, I took another 10 mg in the spirit of titrating up as fast as possible. I have been experiencing minimal side effects besides some somnolence, the occasional dizzy spell, and a general state of mental haziness or fogginess.
More unbelievable dreams. They were borderline lucid, which is something that has never happened to me. Many images are burned into my mind, but by far my clearest memory is of fighting aliens. I was like superman, in space, flying at alien spaceships amongst a grand battle, smashing into them and wrecking them with brute force. I vividly remember tearing open an alien ship, and peeking inside, only to find that the aliens inside were menacing and terrifying. Like in the movie "Independence Day." Quite literally nightmarish. Overall, though, I felt pretty good upon waking.
April 7, 2013
I took 10 mg at 10 AM, 10 more just before 3 PM, and 10 more at about 8 PM. I had some dizziness at about 4 PM which was unpleasant, coinciding with my first few sips of beer of the evening, but other than that I've mostly felt quite good, aside from a continued mental haziness that has persisted all day. I've had about five drinks so far today as I write this, and will probably have another two or three before I finally get to sleep. I don't intend to take any more baclofen today.
I don't think I am going to try to titrate extremely aggressively. I'm hoping I will be able to function normally tomorrow as I go back to work for my first day on the job on baclofen. Tomorrow, I plan to take 5 mg in the morning, 12.5 mg after lunch, and 17.5 mg when I get home, for a total of 35 mg. I have 10 mg and 25 mg pills, so those are easy doses to mete out. I have been pleased that the side effects have not been as severe as I had feared they might be, but I'm still at a very low dose, so we'll see if that lasts as I titrate upward. I have definitely not noticed my hangovers being any worse, which was a very pronounced effect when I was taking naltrexone, and the biggest motivating factor (besides the fact that it wasn't working) in my choice to stop taking it.
Onward and upward. I can't begin to imagine what I will experience after I fall asleep tonight, after my experiences the last two nights...
I have never sought any kind of treatment for my condition because I have always been well-aware of the commonly-held belief that alcoholism is incurable, "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic," and I couldn't stand the idea of quitting via the traditional means - abstinence, which seems both terrifying and impossible, coupled with AA or similar, which statistically does not work ~90% of the time. I witnessed that approach fail with my father as a teenager, and although he did finally get clean, it was only through a massively invasive year-long program that was essentially inpatient rehab, plus anxiety medication. He has remained sober for several years, but I have watched as almost every other member of my extended family who's struggled with various forms of addiction (there are many) has failed over and over again. With my family's perceptions molded by the experiences of my other family members, I shudder to think of the consequences if they found out that I was an alcoholic, and just how severe my condition has gotten.
My first attempt to do something about this was in 2011, when I learned about the Sinclair method and naltrexone. After reading Roy Eskapa's book, I decided I would try it. I skipped the step of going to my doctor and ordered some naltrexone from a foreign pharmacy website. My doctor was unaware of my alcoholism, and I was not willing to risk being denied the naltrexone and instead coerced into traditional treatment, as well as having my medical records forever marked with the "alcoholic" label.
The naltrexone arrived and I proceeded to titrate myself up to the recommended 50 mg/day dose, which I maintained for the latter half of 2011. At first, my alcohol intake dropped a bit, but I never had a single alcohol-free day, and eventually stabilized at an average intake of 8 drinks per night, which I logged meticulously. When it finally became apparent that I was not responding to the treatment, I gave up on it and returned to my old habits full-force.
In late 2011 and early 2012, some issues came up in my personal life (not caused directly by drinking) which created unprecedented levels of stress and anxiety. It eventually let to the point where I was barely able to function at work, and went to my doctor, who prescribed me various different medications during the first couple months of the year. During the evening, I had alcohol, and that was sufficient to alleviate my anxiety issues, but during the day, I needed something to function. Eventually, I was prescribed a benzo, which was effective enough for me to get by on during the day.
I tried regular exercise and extensive supplementation of my diet with vitamins and supplements in 2012, and although it did seem improve my subjective quality of life a bit, it did nothing to reduce my desire to drink or the amount I consumed.
Finally, a few months ago I reached another breaking point and decided to give naltrexone another shot. I figured that maybe it had not worked because I didn't follow the Sinclair method strictly enough, didn't make sure to always take the pill at least an hour before drinking, and that maybe the advertised "no willpower required" tagline was wrong, and that I ought to use as much willpower as I could to make TSM work. Again, I experienced the "honeymoon" initial drop in consumption, and even managed to power through two separate alcohol-free days in February. I started to think optimistically about what the future had in store for the first time in a very long time.
My optimism quickly faded as, just as it did in 2011, my desire to drink and the amount I consumed quickly came right back up to the same level they were at before I had started taking the naltrexone again. I came onto this forum looking to read some posts about people's experiences with TSM, mainly to try and talk myself into continuing to take the naltrexone, or possibly to learn what I was doing wrong. What surprised me was that there were almost no threads about TSM or naltrexone. Instead, everyone was talking about baclofen. I didn't know anything about baclofen.
I did a little bit of reading online. I ordered Amiesen's book.
Actually, I went to the local bookstore first, but when they didn't have it, and told me it was out of print, I came home, dejected, only to find out that the book is now being sold under a different name, and ordered it online. It showed up a week later, I read it, and became convinced, moreso than I was when I finished Eskapa's book. As I mentioned before, I learned in early 2012 that I have been suffering from anxiety my entire life and did not fully realize it until a stressful event brought me to the point where it dominated my life and I couldn't ignore it. Amiesen's assertions that most, if not all, cases of alcoholism coincide with anxiety disorders, and that it's not the alcoholism that causes the anxiety, but the other way around, resonated deeply with me.
So, I ordered some baclofen. Again, skipping the doctor. I ordered a lot of it, enough to last about six weeks on an aggressive titration schedule of adding 20 mg/day every third day. It typically takes about two weeks from ordering to receiving the medication from the online pharmacy I use, so that gives me at least three weeks to see how I tolerate the baclofen, and then three more weeks to receive the next shipment if I choose to continue the treatment.
April 5, 2013
The first shipment arrived Friday. I got home from work and immediately took 10 mg at 7 PM. Three hours later, at 10 PM, I took another 10 mg, and within 30 minutes had to go to bed due to being so sleepy. I normally can't get to sleep until about 1 AM. During this period, I had several drinks, which I didn't count, but was probably around 6 to 8 drinks by the time I fell asleep.
The dreams, they were absolutely nuts. I dreamt vivid dreams all night like I have never experienced in my life. I encountered several characters who were combinations of people I know in my life, mainly girls I have dated over the last few years, as well as a mixture of two recent roommates of mine who was suffering from some strange form of mental illness that was very distressing. To be honest, half the reason I am writing this post is to share these unbelievable dream experiences with someone. Only one of my friends knows I am taking baclofen, and it's killing me not being able to tell anyone about the crazy dreams I have been having on this stuff. It's not only the content of the dreams, but the clarity and vividness of what's happening, and how much of it I remember. Normally, my dreams are a fog; a shapeless, mostly nonsensical stream of neurons firing randomly with little or no coherent "plot" to it and little in the way of clear visual or auditory perception, and I wake up remembering almost nothing.
April 6, 2013
I took 10 mg three times at five-hour intervals. Toward the latter half of the day, I started drinking, and after taking the last 10 mg, went to a party, where I drank more than I ought to have, and kind of made an ass out of myself. Nothing new there. When I finally got home, at about midnight, I took another 10 mg in the spirit of titrating up as fast as possible. I have been experiencing minimal side effects besides some somnolence, the occasional dizzy spell, and a general state of mental haziness or fogginess.
More unbelievable dreams. They were borderline lucid, which is something that has never happened to me. Many images are burned into my mind, but by far my clearest memory is of fighting aliens. I was like superman, in space, flying at alien spaceships amongst a grand battle, smashing into them and wrecking them with brute force. I vividly remember tearing open an alien ship, and peeking inside, only to find that the aliens inside were menacing and terrifying. Like in the movie "Independence Day." Quite literally nightmarish. Overall, though, I felt pretty good upon waking.
April 7, 2013
I took 10 mg at 10 AM, 10 more just before 3 PM, and 10 more at about 8 PM. I had some dizziness at about 4 PM which was unpleasant, coinciding with my first few sips of beer of the evening, but other than that I've mostly felt quite good, aside from a continued mental haziness that has persisted all day. I've had about five drinks so far today as I write this, and will probably have another two or three before I finally get to sleep. I don't intend to take any more baclofen today.
I don't think I am going to try to titrate extremely aggressively. I'm hoping I will be able to function normally tomorrow as I go back to work for my first day on the job on baclofen. Tomorrow, I plan to take 5 mg in the morning, 12.5 mg after lunch, and 17.5 mg when I get home, for a total of 35 mg. I have 10 mg and 25 mg pills, so those are easy doses to mete out. I have been pleased that the side effects have not been as severe as I had feared they might be, but I'm still at a very low dose, so we'll see if that lasts as I titrate upward. I have definitely not noticed my hangovers being any worse, which was a very pronounced effect when I was taking naltrexone, and the biggest motivating factor (besides the fact that it wasn't working) in my choice to stop taking it.
Onward and upward. I can't begin to imagine what I will experience after I fall asleep tonight, after my experiences the last two nights...
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