Bac Newbie

[buddabelly]

Bac Newbie

Sorry Joan, forgot about you. Will pm you later, if that's ok. Would like a chat

The scissors worked much better.

Lea

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Bac Newbie

BuddaB,

The vast majority of people here have taken the overseas meds rather than getting a script, so I'm not surprised you didn't die after you took the first one.

I loved Jameson's books and really appreciate the quote in your signature. I used to feel like that. Baclofen changed my mind about my mind and now I rather like it. (Most of the time!) There was a lot in both books I could relate to, though I don't have bipolar. My mom knows and has worked with her a tiny bit. She's every bit as amazing as you think she might be after reading An Unquiet Mind.

As to the many day ones, and the not feeling like drinking but being quite sure that the feeling won't last...I've been there. I don't know if you've read around a bunch and don't want to tell you anything you might have seen...But baclofen is different and it may just be that this is what stops the train before the wreck. Maybe not, but maybe so. If you drink again, or want to drink again, don't let that derail you from the new ride you're on. (I think of it--affectionately--as a pretty intense roller coaster. Partly because of bac, partly because getting sober is rather, um, exciting. Both good and bad.)

Glad you're here. Glad you're writing. Ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Bac Newbie

Forgot to mention, I used to keep a razor blade (the crafty kind) and a cutting board in my bathroom so I could cut all the pills and put them in their little places in the pill box. Funny to think about now...
(Obviously not something I would suggest if you've got kids or company who uses your bathroom, or even a S.O. who might have reason to wonder what the hell you're up to! :H)

Once you get the hang of it, though, you may be able to snap them with your fingernails. Another nifty party trick!

And if you don't own a pill box, and are pretty sure you want to do this bac thing, I highly recommend buying one sooner rather than later. It helps to stay organized from the very beginning.

[buddabelly]

Bac Newbie

All I've ever strived for all my life is some peace in head. As a child I could not sleep, it's the same now. I have to leave the tV on every night. I don't want to hear the words I just want something to drown out the incessant noise in my head.

I saw my first Psych when I was about six. Could not sleep, I had obsessive voices in my head. Dark robed figures stood at the side of my bed and they were coming to get me. Basically, all my effing life, I've been afraid. I didn't like the world, noise or other people. What ever feelings I felt I thought they would kill me. Throw in a mother wired so much by anxiety that if my dad was ten minutes late, he was dead. No doubt about it. That was and is her. I don't blame her. I used to. She caused my anxiety, she went off when I was a baby yada yada yada. If It wasn't for her. Well it's not her fault.

I still suffer the same uncomfortable feelings inside at times when she fusses. She does that a lot. I'm staying with her at the moment cos I just could not tolerate my own company. She's actually sat at the same table as I type. I'm staying calm though. I just snapped at her, actually I wanted to rip her fucking head off. Things will be done the way she wants. The feelings aren't in her they are in me. She's so fucking controlling. I'm wanting to drink writing about this. Not good. Jesus did I just say I wanted a drink ?
Sunday, less than two day's ago I wanted to die rather than go through the withdrawals I was suffering. Deep Breath. Reality . It's gone.

Will leave mum to one side, figuratively speaking, as it were.

Neva, I dare you to mention a book on any form of self help or living with depression that I have not read. Books have been my friends my dear friends. Authors like Jameson put into word the turmoil I felt but could not express. They touched something in me, made my pain have a name and a shape, I couldn't do that for myself, but they acknowledged and legitimised the awful emptiness and pointlessness I've always felt about life. If I wasn't born wanting to die it didn't take too long to develop.

Funny I'm reading a book called 'In The realm of Hungry Ghosts' and in it the author Gabor Mate talks about the seeds for addiction being sewn before we are born. My mums mum died when she was two months pregnant with me. So I reckon I started grieving early.
If you have not heard of this man, please google him. He has lots of videos of his talks on there.
He says that 'can you imagine what internal pain an addict must be in to do what they do He thinks we deserve compassion. I don't know. I just want the pain to go away.
Lea

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Bac Newbie

Sorry. I'll have to rewrite later...

[buddabelly]

Bac Newbie

Just sat here looking at that date.

I'm having a cig and thinking, do I want to have to explain to you why, this pathetic twit could not last till day two. No, but....

Had to walk the dog and have dinner. Now I feel totally different. If I was by myself I just would not eat. I can't afford to play that little game. When I drink I just starve. Food just gets in the way

:goodjob:



Now this effing computer is doing my head, the cursor has a mind of it''s own. Is the message box or me ? Calm down.

[TexasAg]

Bac Newbie

Howdy BB,

First and foremost, :l , be nice to yourself. You're among friends here that have probably racked up thousands of day 1's.

As silly as this sounds, I have a fortune cookie fortune taped to my computer screen that says, "Do not give up; the beginning is always the hardest." I got it at the begining of my Bac journey and it struck a chord. I realize I'm so lucky to have found MWO, read up on Baclofen and it worked.

But like all things that are worth it, it took time. Tomorrow will be day 2, then 3 and so on. There might be another day 1 for you or many day 1's like there were for me but that's o.k. The important thing is you're here, posting and taking your Bac !

There but for the Grace of God :l :l

Are you still on 20mg?

Cheers!

[buddabelly]

Bac Newbie

Hi Tex

To be honest I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm just suckin it an see. I need to see how the land lies with Doc. Though I've a good idea what she'll say. Nah ! I know what she'll say.

I've taken 2 x 5 mg so far and will take 10 mg tonight. I might be able to take more as I'm so strung out with anxiety. This is not WD anxiety. Iknow what that feels like this is what started when I was 7 mths out of rehab last year. It's just got worse and Doc faffs around. I cannot function like this. Neither my anxiety, depression or sleep are vaguely under control.

I won't have a rant about them, I did that the other day. I have been falling apart in front of their eyes. But Hey Ho. I'm only an Alky and cant wait to get my hands on those sedatives. Cos given half a chance I'd become addicted to anything. Grrrr !

That was only a mini rant.

Did it really work for you ? Did you still drink or stop ? How are you now.?

Lea

[TexasAg]

Bac Newbie

Budda,

Yes it truly worked for me. If you could see me last year at this time and compare me to now. It truly is a miracle. I'm very grateful to Dr. A and Dr. L for everything they've done and do. But to be honest, I don't think I would've been able to push through my treatment without the Bac veterans on this site. There is wonderful experiences, advice and support here that carried me through the tough parts of the treatment and then after the switch point.

The most important thing you can have is hope. That's what Bac and this site gave me. Hope and attitude are half the battle. The other half is Bac and time for your brain to adjust.

The alcohol beast messed with my mind all the way through my treatment. Doubts and anxiety are natural so don't beat yourself up if you have them. I had tried so many times, so many ways to quit drinking that it was hard for me to beleive that a pill could do what AA, will power, my family, etc., could not do. But it did and I am eternally grateful.

I don't drink against my will anymore. I am free and I know if, on the rare occasion I do drink, it's not the end of the world. I do not have that hopelessness I once carried with me after binges.

Keep updating and reading and asking. And most importantly JKTTP! (just keep taking the pills!)

Cheers! :l

[StuckinLA]

Bac Newbie

Hey there, Tex, love the fortune cookie. I have a corkboard above my desk, and I pin notes for writing and other things, and every rejection letter I've ever received from a magazine is pinned to it, and there are three fortune cookie fortunes on it: "You are the master of every situation"; "You will become an accomplished writer"; "You are smart, talented, and creative. Now prove it."

BB, yesterday was a Day 2 for me, too. It just happens like that sometimes. Sometimes just one AF day will break the cycle, and you can carry that on for a while and be sober, and sometimes just one AF day is one too many. I don't have any answers; I'm just here to identify and empathize.

But using the fact that you've taken 10mg or 20mg, or in my case even 200mg, of bac to beat yourself up even more over drinking isn't cool. I'm almost certain that there is a dose out there for everyone that will "make them" stop drinking, it's just a matter of if they can tolerate the SEs and get there. And yeah, there are doses that help moderate or whatever, but I guess all I'm saying is hang in there. You're among friends, and no one is going to look down on you for drinking. We're alcoholics--that's what we do.

Again, hang in there and take good care of yourself.

[TexasAg]

Bac Newbie

Howdy Stuck,

For a second I thought you said your fortune said, "You're the master of your domain...." :H

Cheers!

[buddabelly]

Bac Newbie

I have had a bottle aand a half of wine . I'm gonna sleep. It's what I do tomoro tha counts Bollocks

[buddabelly]

Bac Newbie

Very Strange

I'm not sure at all what is happening to me and wonder if anyone else out there has experienced the same.

Wed evening I drank a bottle of wine. It was only my second day on Bac.

Woke Thurs morning. I was expecting to have to fight the desire to drink straight away.

Mmm Nope, I just thought OK day 1 again here I go. Took 10 mg Bac. My anxiety levels were medium. I've had depression and EXTREME levels of anxie, so set offty for the last 7 mths. Midday took another 10 mg Bac. I needed to do some shopping so set off.

I'm walking around the shops when I realised it was very quiet. Not in the shop but in my head. Like OMG where is the cacophany of screaming, abusive, artguing voices that normally reside in my mind. It was missing. It was bliss. I have never felt so calm in my life.

Then I got scared and thought ' Shit, now I've thought about them, they might come back any minute '. But it remained quiet. Also, all the time I was shopping, it had not even occured to me to buy a drink. I'd normally have some sort drink stashed in my bag.
Anyway, got home. My sister was having a glass of wine. would I like one. Mmm I dunno, Ok then. I didn't really want it, but I had expected to want it, if that makes sense. Well I had no desire to drink it. Half of it is still in the galss downstairs now, 8 hrs later.
I'm still calm and it's still quiet in my head.

This is the strangest feeling. Yesterday, I arrangd an appointment with Dr Chick in Harley St., in June. I'd sorta given myself permission, that if I was overwhelmed with cravings till then, it was OK to drink, but I don't want to. OK, maybe the desire to drink can be placeboed away, but the voices in my head most definitly can't. I've lived with them, in varing degrees, every day of my life. for EVER.

Whatever this is, I don't want it to stop. If this is what it feels like not to desire a drink every waking minute, I love it.

I'm sure this won't last. I took 20 mg of Bac last night. I slept till 1 am. It's 2.00 am now. I will go back to sleep in awhile. I've just been down to make a cup of tea. The wine's still sat there. I didn't touch it. Weird.

Has anyone else had anything like this happen to them ? Please don't think I'm some silly OMG I'm cured hysteric. I'm not. I'm a harden cynic. I don't expect to find a simple answer to my alcoholim. I been on Baclofen before, but stopped cos of the cost. I've been sober 8 yrs and drinking again for 10 yrs. I've had serious, serious depression for the last 7 mths.

Yesterday was like a glimpse of what serenity is like. Like this is what it's like not to have a battlefield in your head and be plagued with the desire to blot the world out constantly.

Lea

[kronkcarr]

Bac Newbie

Hi, Lea,

You're having such great early results. I'm glad you're feeling so good. My experience is similar to yours and it's been almost 5 months.

Whether my AL use was from genetics, habit or whatever I just know that it felt like my brain was finally right after my third or fourth dose of bac. My first month was heavenly. All the noise in my head stopped. I wasn't in a hurry and life was beautiful. My brain didn't stay that way and I miss that initial feeling.

My goal was to moderate and it's been easy for me. I quickly saw what a habit drinking had become. Although maybe about 6 weeks or so in I wanted to buy a bottle of wine and go home and drink it. This is where the other part of using bac comes in--willpower. I didn't buy it and I went home and wrote and wrote and i gained a lot of self esteem and confidence from that night. I was at 80 mgs and my dr wouldn't let me go higher. I've never had that urge again.

I also didn't realize that I had such compulsive thoughts. A lot of them cleared up but some have stayed and now I know what they are and I deal with them.

Bac is the second best thing I've done. Having my son is the first.

Here's to ya!

[buddabelly]

Bac Newbie

Thanks Kronk.

The feeling just felt surreal. So wonderfully calm after the hell I've been through.

I was just reading on Omah's thread, Redhead had early results.

Also Tex mentioned about clinging to this experience . I want to cling to it but I guess I just got to learn to go with what is. See I've not even felt tiredness as an SE. I was so wired with anxiety that all I've felt is calm. Like I said it's bliss.

I will take 10 mg, 10 mg, 20 mg today and see how I go with it. The only SE I'm getting is a wooshing in my ears.

Lea