New and doing research

[The-Jackal]

New and doing research

my mom just stopped by she needed 200 put into her overdraft . i am drunk at work , work doesnt care as long as i produse for them! guess i am lucky . i want to be af so bad hope the script comes soon.
Dustin

[The-Jackal]

New and doing research

it really brings tears to my eyes thinking that this is it ! i have sruggled for so long ! the guys here at work depend on me to be strong. will i be this strong without alcohol ? my head is racing wish i had a bottle here!

[The-Jackal]

New and doing research

checked out chat funtion no one there

[bleep]

New and doing research

Chat is pretty dead here.

Hang in there Dustin. I had the same feelings before starting baclofen, and it turned my life around completely.

All the best man.

[The-Jackal]

New and doing research

thanks Bleep .. i am trying. i just want this hell to stop for the first time in 20 years ! i want to live for the people around me i wan to see them grow older and do it in a heathy way.

[StuckinLA]

New and doing research

Nothing really to add, as bleep said it best. But I see you're on MWO and hoping people are out there today. Sounds like you're having a rough one. Well, just want to let you know that we are out here.

Bac works. It can work. And you'll be starting soon, so just hang in there, man. I gotta run but will be around later.

[kronkcarr]

New and doing research

The-Jackel,

Hang tough. Your time's coming. Bac totally changed my life. I thought the mental and emotional changes were phenomenal after 1 month. Five months later I'm kinda laughing at how much I've continued to change.

Since you know your pharmacist I bet your script will go through with no trouble. I'd already been scripted for bac from a local dr and when the pharmacy got Dr L's "take as directed" script they didn't blink an eye.

Keep posting. I'll be around.

kronk

[The-Jackal]

New and doing research

well its another morning only have about 2 shots of vodka left and a few beers. like every night lately i dont remember going to bed. i think one of these days my boss is going to drop drad if i come into work sober ...hahah

on another note does anyone every have the feeling that after af your not going to be able to do the things you do best because your af?

[StuckinLA]

New and doing research

Yeah, but in my case the thing I wanted to do that I wasn't worried about not being able to do anymore was drink, if that makes sense. I wanted to be a drunk, a better-functioning alcoholic, and still would prefer that more than anything.

The thing is, "indifference" means just that--you won't give a goddamn about taking a drink. So there are no limits. Want to go to a bar and hang out? Go. Spend the whole freaking night there if you want--it's not like you'll be tempted in even the slightest. It is a little awkward for the people around you at first, but they get over it pretty quickly with the usual excuses: I'm really focusing on my health/getting in shape these days, or I want to get some work done early in the morning because of this project, etc. Since I'm in school and work strange hours, I'd go to parties and say that I had to get some work done after the party.

The other thing, and this is just me (and probably hasn't worked so well in the past), is that I don't buy into the whole AA mentality too well. The whole "you don't go into an apple orchard unless you're looking for apples" doesn't ring true to me. "Indifferent" on bac or not, if you're AF and you feel you can handle it, go to the damned bar. I've done that while not on bac, too, and I can do it at least for a while. Same awkwardness at first, and there are times when I know I need to leave, when the whiskey starts looking really good, but for me it's just remembering that I made a commitment to myself.

So no--as much as it doesn't seem like it--the opposite is true. You can do everything you used to do and now more when you're AF.

[The-Jackal]

New and doing research

thanks LA! first dose of bac this morning got the sript in the mail yesterday. pharm filled it and let my gf pick it up lol. he told her that Dr L gave me different instructions and to follow them not what he put on the bottle. i think everyone in our house is a little scared right now. i have never been a mean drunk or abusive in anyway (guess thats why my ex wife just gave me the kids) but you know on my day off i pass out at 12 and the kids miss out on thing that we are planing to do because of my drinking. the kids seen me when i did get sober in aa and hated it ! aa consumed my life i was never home always at a meeting. all the while my family was failing aa was telling me i was doing the right thing "if you dont do the steps , if you dont go to meetings , if you dont help other alcoholics, you will die ". all just BS !

ill keep everyone updated and thank for your support
Dustin

[The-Jackal]

New and doing research

so day four 30 mg . i was hornier the a billy goat in spring time today! it started last night i noticed blood flow to my unit(not an erection, more a constant semi). it kinda nice , my sex drive was down to a once a week thing for the last year of so. the " semi" thing is kinda annoying , the fact that i wear dress slacks everyday it hard to hide and rather embarrassing (i caught my office manager looking) i feel like i hae to sit at my desk and try not to stand up when i greet customers in my office. as for other sa my eyes are bugging out i feel like i may have some kind of turrets syndrome lol . as for alcohol i feel some kind of slowness not to say i dont drink as much but it kinda makes me sick till the 4-5 one. had an appontment with Dr. L today at 8:45 tried all the numbers he gave me and still couldn't get an answer . ill try again tomorrow.

[The-Jackal]

New and doing research

k now only 3 hours of sleep! i am used to only 5 or 6 but three?

[john doe]

New and doing research

I've had a few night with 3 since starting J. I got a bit more like 5 last night but had the strangest dream. Its still ringing in my head.

[The-Jackal]

New and doing research

yeah i dont sleep much anyway. and the dreams are funky had a dream about my ex the other night woke up and thought i was still married for a sec :eeks:

[john doe]

New and doing research

The dreams are unreal aren't they I'm thinking about starting some sort of a log. My one last night was mental.