Skullbaby's Progress

[Mandiekinz]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1548090 wrote:
I still have the Power of Now (along with the Four Agreements) on my nightstand ready to read, though for some reason I've been feeling a bit lazy when it comes to reading lately. Like my brain is a little less tenacious, and is a little more reluctant to tackle some heady subjects. A little effort on my part, a gentle nudge, is probably needed.

Eckhart Tolle books are excellent reads, especially beginning your new journey of sobriety and LIFE! His books really put an excellent prospective on things. With 'A New Earth' I did find myself stopping, re-reading, and absorbing for a minute every so often. Quite therapeutic and spiritually igniting. So at least crack that book open and read the first 10 pages! You won't be disappointed. I have my book bookmarked like crazy, and pretty much every other page is highlighted. Hah.

Keep moving forward and keep posting!! The gnats are meant to be there, just keep swatting and keep calm and focused...it's hard to go "Hulk" on ghats...they're smaller and faster and will make you look silly chasing them around.

[kronkcarr]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland,

I was driving in pouring rain today with a tailgater behind me and I started getting irritated. Then I remembered a bit of wisdom that came to me in my early months of baclofen. People do what they do because they do. I used to take everyone's actions personally--I must have done something to cause them to act that way. I spent hours pre bac worrying about keeping relationships--even at the cost of me not being myself to keep everything smooth. Reality is, as others have said, most people really are just doing what they do. If someone treats me poorly and I don't accept it he will gravitate to someone he can treat that way.

I'm glad you're still on target for 30 days!

[YouKayBee]

Skullbaby's Progress

kronkcarr;1548986 wrote: skullbabyland,

I was driving in pouring rain today with a tailgater behind me and I started getting irritated. Then I remembered a bit of wisdom that came to me in my early months of baclofen. People do what they do because they do. I used to take everyone's actions personally--I must have done something to cause them to act that way. I spent hours pre bac worrying about keeping relationships--even at the cost of me not being myself to keep everything smooth. Reality is, as others have said, most people really are just doing what they do. If someone treats me poorly and I don't accept it he will gravitate to someone he can treat that way.

I'm glad you're still on target for 30 days!

I used to have a mantra which went something like you can't control what other people do, but you can control what you do.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1548289 wrote: Skull -17- *Awesome*

Skull -it really is "sobering" to read your posts sometimes -honest, straightforward-genuine.

Seems like the more I drank, the more that I felt the world revolved around me. My mind would tell me that they either hate me, they are teaching me a lesson, or some other foolish crap. I have to keep reminding myself that most people are thinking about themselves (in an ok kind of way) and that I am not the center of the universe. Furthermore, when I told just a few folks years ago when I stopped drinking, the reaction was typically "well damn, that's great, you should not have been drinking anyway". Wait, I would think, where are the party hats and celebrations? Don't you know who I am? -what I sacrificed? LOL

We alkies tend to be a "sensitive lot" anyway, so just keep that in mind; I have to every day.

And with my thinking situation, and this still applies today, I was told that most anything that I was thinking was for entertainment purposes only.

Keep posting please -the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Thanks Spirit for the feedback. I suppose my posts do tend to be fairly honest and straightforward... perhaps somewhat humorless sometimes, haha. That's OK though, that's what I'm here for... to be honest and frank about my life. (Though I do enjoy the more humorous posts of other members).

As for your points about sensitivity, insecurity, "the world revolves around me", boy you sure nailed it. I've been feeling this way on and off about every other day, up until just recently when things seem to have balanced out a little. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a sensitive little flower some days, haha... but I seem to be getting a more clear headed and balanced perspective, little by little. You MWO folks have especially helped with that and I'm sure grateful for it.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Mandiekinz;1548867 wrote: Eckhart Tolle books are excellent reads, especially beginning your new journey of sobriety and LIFE! His books really put an excellent prospective on things. With 'A New Earth' I did find myself stopping, re-reading, and absorbing for a minute every so often. Quite therapeutic and spiritually igniting. So at least crack that book open and read the first 10 pages! You won't be disappointed. I have my book bookmarked like crazy, and pretty much every other page is highlighted. Hah.

Keep moving forward and keep posting!! The gnats are meant to be there, just keep swatting and keep calm and focused...it's hard to go "Hulk" on ghats...they're smaller and faster and will make you look silly chasing them around.

OK Mandie you've convinced me to bring my Tolle books with me on my vacation tomorrow, I'm going to read my spiritually uplifting books come hell or highwater dammit! HULK NOURISH PUNY SOUL!!!

I'll have to check out a New Earth, I haven't heard of that one. I'm gonna dive first into Power of Now and may also revisit the Four Agreements, as they speak a lot to my tendency to take things personally, make assumptions, etc.

Hope you're well Mandie!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

kronkcarr;1548986 wrote: skullbabyland,

I was driving in pouring rain today with a tailgater behind me and I started getting irritated. Then I remembered a bit of wisdom that came to me in my early months of baclofen. People do what they do because they do. I used to take everyone's actions personally--I must have done something to cause them to act that way. I spent hours pre bac worrying about keeping relationships--even at the cost of me not being myself to keep everything smooth. Reality is, as others have said, most people really are just doing what they do. If someone treats me poorly and I don't accept it he will gravitate to someone he can treat that way.

I'm glad you're still on target for 30 days!

Thanks Kronk. Man, I sure appreciate all the encouraging comments, anecdotes, and words of support. As I mentioned in my reply to Spirit... It sure is easy to fall into the pit of taking everything so personally, getting irritated, making assumptions about others... it's so helpful to remind myself that people just do what they do.

Thanks for the kind words

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Ukblonde;1549015 wrote: I used to have a mantra which went something like you can't control what other people do, but you can control what you do.

Too true, UKB. I'll have to borrow this mantra and add it to my ever-growing list of helpful reminders... Thanks for posting!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Quick update-

Day 123 on bac. Currently at 95 mg/day. Slooooowly easing down to 80 mg day or so to sit at for my maintenance dose and see where cravings are at vs. SEs. As usual, I am sort of micro-targetting my levels.

Today is also day 23 AF, and also day 23 on Antabuse (125mg taken before bed).

The last 3 weeks have been a breeze from a cravings standpoint. The bac has been effective at reducing, well, virtually eliminating the cravings. Being a creature of habit (or addiction more accurately), the Antabuse has been great for shutting down the tricks my mind plays, ie "nice afternoon for a cold beer" etc. So between the two, I'm finding staying AF fairly easy.

As my other posts have indicated, emotionally speaking I've been all over the map. Some days are very positive and motivated, some days are quite sad. I believe this to be purely the process of learning to live sober, with all of life's ups and downs. Moreso, I've been processing old hurts, old wounds, old fears and insecurities that have been bubbling up here and there since they're no longer drowning in poison. So, I have to sit with each one and deal with it head on best I can.

After about 3 weeks sober, and much discussion here on MWO as well as with my gf and others, things are starting to feel more equally balanced and I'm a little more strong. I still have insecurities, fears, pity parties... but slightly less so now and I seem to be able to deal with them more rationally and not let them derail my whole day.

I still need to follow up on my previously stated intentions... 1. therapist, 2. meditation, 3. reading up on Tolle, etc., and 4. physical outlet (martial arts). So far, haven't done those things but still have every intention to start the second week of September.

I'm going on vacation for 8 days starting tomorrow. I decided to not sabotage my AF time, and will keep taking my AB (and of course my bac). This will ensure 8 days of sober fun, which will be interesting. I don't see a lot of bars in the forecast. More like parks and restaurants, movies, shops, markets. It doesn't sound as exciting as a drunken party time, but it's what I need... and will ultimately be more satisfying. Even if I wanted to sabotage my progress, it's too late now, I'm committed due to my AB. So, for now it's working as intended.

I anticipate having a heavy talk with my old best friend while on vacation about our recent distance. He's become cold and sarcastic to me and I've got to man up and face the problem and talk to him about it head on. Take the responsibility to clear the air. That has me a little scared but it's gotta be done... and I'll do it without beer, my usual crutch.

Still working out and eating clean. I'm hitting personal records with my weightlifting, and I've even managed to impress my trainer. Just to brag a bit... I've added a 90lb increase on my bench and a more than 200% increase in my squat. Going to test my deadlift today. The benefits of being a beginner are the quick gains, so that's fun! My trainer told me that if he told his friends about my gains, they wouldn't believe that I'm not "juiced" but am all-natural. LOL. As far as weight loss, I've plateued. I'd like to see the scale decrease, but as I'm building muscle tissue, I guess I'll live with it.

That's about it for now. AF life is going well, all things considered. I'm definitely considering extending my 30 day stretch to 60 days.

Big gratitude to Spirit, Mandie, Kronk, UK, all the other MWOers who continue to post and support. It's very appreciated.

Best to all.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull -man, it sounds like you are doing great. It is really good to read posts like this one. Those highs and lows you speak -wow, they stay with me as well. All is getting better on my end but I sure would like to know which mood I am going to wake up in the morning -lol-but true. What really has helped me lately is being willing to accept whatever outcome presents itself -I'm just to damn tired of fighting the system. Good luck on your vacation and I like your planning.

[Colin]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1550496 wrote: My trainer told me that if he told his friends about my gains, they wouldn't believe that I'm not "juiced" but am all-natural.

You probably are a little "juiced". See https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...ise-39134.html

[YouKayBee]

Skullbaby's Progress

Colin;1550706 wrote: You probably are a little "juiced". See https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...ise-39134.html

Hmm, I progressed massively too when I got my drinking under control and I wasn't using baclofen (when I was trying baclofen I actually couldn't train/went backwards).

There may be something in baclofen however my experience over the years is that there's a massive rebound effect when someone stops drinking and starts paying attention to proper nutrition and exercise.

[Mandiekinz]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1550496 wrote:

The last 3 weeks have been a breeze from a cravings standpoint. The bac has been effective at reducing, well, virtually eliminating the cravings. Being a creature of habit (or addiction more accurately), the Antabuse has been great for shutting down the tricks my mind plays, ie "nice afternoon for a cold beer" etc. So between the two, I'm finding staying AF fairly easy.
Isn't that GREAT?! That mild twitch and thought floats through of "Drink?"...and it just vanishes in thin air. The obsession of it allowing it to manifest and break us down is no longer an issue! I didn't think such a thing was possible.

skullbabyland;1550496 wrote: As my other posts have indicated, emotionally speaking I've been all over the map. Some days are very positive and motivated, some days are quite sad. I believe this to be purely the process of learning to live sober, with all of life's ups and downs. Moreso, I've been processing old hurts, old wounds, old fears and insecurities that have been bubbling up here and there since they're no longer drowning in poison. So, I have to sit with each one and deal with it head on best I can.

After about 3 weeks sober, and much discussion here on MWO as well as with my gf and others, things are starting to feel more equally balanced and I'm a little more strong. I still have insecurities, fears, pity parties... but slightly less so now and I seem to be able to deal with them more rationally and not let them derail my whole day.

I still need to follow up on my previously stated intentions... 1. therapist, 2. meditation, 3. reading up on Tolle, etc., and 4. physical outlet (martial arts). So far, haven't done those things but still have every intention to start the second week of September.

It sounds to me that you have been doing therapy and meditating...Maybe not in the traditional sense, but you've been processing your past and finding acceptance and using your outlets (MWO, your girlfriend, and others) to help you build back up your pieces. That's exactly what meditation and therapy does for you. That's good! I hate to throw out an AA slogan, but it's so fitting...Progress not perfection!

skullbabyland;1550496 wrote: I'm going on vacation for 8 days starting tomorrow. I decided to not sabotage my AF time, and will keep taking my AB (and of course my bac). This will ensure 8 days of sober fun, which will be interesting. I don't see a lot of bars in the forecast. More like parks and restaurants, movies, shops, markets. It doesn't sound as exciting as a drunken party time, but it's what I need... and will ultimately be more satisfying. Even if I wanted to sabotage my progress, it's too late now, I'm committed due to my AB. So, for now it's working as intended.

I anticipate having a heavy talk with my old best friend while on vacation about our recent distance. He's become cold and sarcastic to me and I've got to man up and face the problem and talk to him about it head on. Take the responsibility to clear the air. That has me a little scared but it's gotta be done... and I'll do it without beer, my usual crutch.

Still working out and eating clean. I'm hitting personal records with my weightlifting, and I've even managed to impress my trainer. Just to brag a bit... I've added a 90lb increase on my bench and a more than 200% increase in my squat. Going to test my deadlift today. The benefits of being a beginner are the quick gains, so that's fun! My trainer told me that if he told his friends about my gains, they wouldn't believe that I'm not "juiced" but am all-natural. LOL. As far as weight loss, I've plateued. I'd like to see the scale decrease, but as I'm building muscle tissue, I guess I'll live with it.

That's about it for now. AF life is going well, all things considered. I'm definitely considering extending my 30 day stretch to 60 days.

Big gratitude to Spirit, Mandie, Kronk, UK, all the other MWOers who continue to post and support. It's very appreciated.

Best to all.
I'm so happy for you that you've chosen to make amends with your friend. As much as I can't stand AA their theory on a lot of inner building and healing techniques are of great value. Personally, I would tread carefully about bringing up the medication. I've brought it up a couple of times very lightly and people scoffed at me. The only people that truly know and understand it are here and the one sitting next to you holding your hand through it all. It's a great plan to set your pride away and go to your friend humbly. The best of luck to you!

Great work on throwing up those pounds! It's got me anxious to get back into a work out regime. It's been a WHILE. So, I can't comment on how baclofen and working out mixes. Although, at a lower dose I found ample determination to scrape, sand, paint, and scrub cabinets and walls...I tried scrapping off more wallpaper the other day now at a much higher dose and my muscles were just too tired to do much for me. I'm glad it's working the opposite for ya!

Enjoy your vacation...make good MEMORIES!

[Colin]

Skullbaby's Progress

Ukblonde;1550857 wrote: Hmm, I progressed massively too when I got my drinking under control and I wasn't using baclofen (when I was trying baclofen I actually couldn't train/went backwards).

There may be something in baclofen however my experience over the years is that there's a massive rebound effect when someone stops drinking and starts paying attention to proper nutrition and exercise.

Getting drinking under control certainly has an enormous influence. However I'm now 12 months alcohol free followed by 5 months easy moderation and I'm still experiencing wild improvements in the weights.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Spirit- Thanks man, for the encouraging words. Yup, the highs and lows were unreal for a while but just like folks here told me, they have indeed evened out around the 3rd/4th week. It helped that I did a little emotional housecleaning, which I had been dreading/avoiding (see update below for details on that). Anyway, glad to hear things are getting better on your end, and your acceptance on whatever outcome presents itself sounds like a wise perspective. Best to you, brother!

Colin and UKBlonde- yep, as far as the gains I'm experiencing, I'm not sure if it's an SE of baclofen or not-- it's probably just my body saying "FINALLY this drunken fool is eating right and exercising... ahhhh feels good let's enjoy it while it lasts." Lol. But whatever, I'm enjoying it... I've reduced my waist size by three belt holes Colin, has moderation agreed with you? Old, bad drinking habits are not a concern?

Mandie- yes, it feels sooo awesome. The cravings (while certainly still present, from time to time) no longer seem to control my actions. When they do pop up, like the annoying gnats, they fly away in due time. A welcome change from my former predicament in which they controlled my life fully and completely.

As for the emotionally therapeutic work, yes I suspect you're right. I sure value the input and support of you and all my MWO friends-- in particular, I did end up confronting that situation head-on and came out the better for it. Details below... Also, I like your quotations- as you know, I use them often myself... Yours reminded me of a variant that I use often in my artwork projects- "Perfection is the enemy of the possible". That one always reminds me to stop being so precious with it and just get the thing done, and try to have a little fun in the process.

Also, sent you a PM reply a while back- no pressure to reply, just didn't want ya to think I'd forgotten about ya

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update-

Day 137 on bac (currently at 90mg/day). Day 34 AF, assisted with antabuse (125mg/night).

Well, been a while since I updated. We did a 9-day vacation to our new city- making the move back to the west coast in October. As I'd planned, I stayed sober for the trip. I'm kind of surprised I did! Happily surprised. We did a lot of apartment scouting and art studio scouting, and ended up signing a lease on great places for both. Mission Accomplished!

As for staying sober... of note, there were moments I was tired/annoyed/exhausted with being sober... we saw a bunch of different groups of friends, and each night everyone was enjoying drinks while I was "enjoying" iced tea or water. I noticed I'd get tired quick and want to leave earlier, while everyone else was buzzy and chatty. Oh well that's just how it goes, and I recognize that it's a great tradeoff for having hangover-free mornings. When I really pictured what it'd be like if I was drinking with them, I saw it clearly as if in my pre-bac days-- I'd be drinking 3 or 4 beers for each of their 1 drink, and constantly looking for the waiter or the next beer, and go to bars after, and get more beer before the stores close, and drink more at home, and go to bed at 4 am, and feel like shit and be useless all next day, and make my poor gf go to apartment viewings without me, and it'd all just... fucking suck. So... all in all... I'll take a little boredom and know that it's far preferable to the chaos of drinking. However, I do hope that someday bac will allow me to drink socially, in controlled moderation... that'll be an upcoming experiment another month (or two or three) out.

As far as bac goes, it's notable that I did find myself kind of foggy or fuzzy, and I made a couple logistics errors in our travel plans- I didn't book our airbnb until the last minute, and even then I made some errors in the dates, even staying one night too late in a place we were supposed to have already vacated. I'm always a little scatterbrained on stuff like this, but it felt a little more so. Oh well, I was able to get it all fixed and not stress the small stuff too much (though one night my gf did have to talk me down off my stressed-out state... yup we're a good team).

As I mentioned in my last update, this was also the time that I was to confront my longtime best friend about his being irritated/shitty with me last year. I would have felt much less anxiety about having that talk if could've done it with a bunch of beers in me, but I didn't let myself have that, and knew I had to do it sober... so, I'd had no small amount of anxiety about that upcoming conversation. Once it came... for me, it was difficult and silent for a few hours, as we all chatted with others, and he seemed oblivious. Then I found the right time to bring it up, we took a walk and I voiced my concerns and my confusion. He was surprised to hear I felt this way... apparently he'd had no idea at all that he'd been shitty to me. Later he did admit that maybe he'd held some residual bad feelings towards me since I'd been absent a few years earlier, and not there as a friend for him when he needed me.

I'd apologized for that before, and did so again... and he apologized and admitted that any shitty behavior was largely due to his own unhappiness and nothing to do with me. We ended the night with everything cleared and feeling good.

It's so crazy to think that I'd held this internal distress about the situation, basically feeling that my best friend had rejected me, for almost 2 years, when I should have just called him on the phone and sorted it out. But I didn't because I was "waiting for the right time", "need to do it in person"... ie, scared. And so I just kept putting it off.

So, kind of a boring non-story, but I wanted to recount it here because it really falls right in line with what others such as Mandie and UKBlonde have reminded me of. That often times people's behavior has nothing to do with me, even if and when it feels directed at me. Or, that sometimes I have to take responsibility for my own actions in the past and accept that I might have been a shitty friend myself.

Which I had. I was drunk and confused and lost, and not much of a friend to anyone. He had been going through a time where he needed me to be a friend and have his back, and I hadn't. I told him that I've been doing a lot of work to get sober and healthy and what that drunk, lost time was like for me. And apologized for not having been a friend.

Whew. Well, all this goes to show that if there's ammends that need to be made, it really is good to take it on, not put it off or hope that the other person will come to you. Maybe they won't, maybe they don't have the wherewithal or the guts to do so, or maybe they simply don't know how you feel.

Anyway. Home now, still sober, and happy to be posting on this forum. Not to pat myself on the back, but I'm happy that in addition to not drinking, I also stayed fairly healthy diet-wise when on vacation, even making veggie juice, protein shakes, lean meats, etc. I even got in a couple days of light exercise. I do feel guilty about those two slices of pizza at the movie theater, though... well, not that guilty.

Best to all.

EDIT- Oh, forgot to say... going forward, I've decided to extend my 30-day stretch of AF time to 60 days. Sometimes, particularly in social situations, it seems a little exhausting, but I know I can do it. I'll keep telling myself that I'm already past the halfway mark Still very very slowly inching my way down to what I hope will be a maintenance dose of 80mg/day. Only SE's I've been noticing lately are occasional, slight tingles in my left hand. Not painful, just tiny little sensations. I still feel a little dizzy if I stand up or change directions too fast, and I still feel a little fuzzy sometimes, like a bit scattered. Nothing concerning, just slight stuff I've noticed. I've also had a few bad dreams where I drink, and wake up worried that I'll get sick (because of the antabuse in my system) but quickly I'm relieved to realize that it's all just a dream and I'm still on track. I actually have the same dreams about donuts.

EDIT again- Also, well worth mentioning- I thought I'd share an awesome book I found out about last night, called "The Flinch" by Julien Smith. It's pretty amazing, and really sheds a light on some profound things that have been holding me back. Facing fear and forcing yourself into action. Check out the amazon description/reviews and see if it's something you'd find interesting. I might go so far as to say that it looks to be a game-changer for me. Also, it's free on amazon, with no catch.