Skullbaby's Progress

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Copy/pasting from my Fitness thread, as it discusses themes that are pertinent to my journalling here...

Update-

First, the good. My current protocol of nutrition, intermittent fasting, and restricting calories to 1800/day is going GREAT- today the scale read 187 lbs. I haven't been this lean since high school, and I'm loving it.

Stats-

Day 71 AF (alcohol free)
Day 8 SGF (sugar/gluten free)
Day 1 CF!!!!! (cigarette free)

As is obvious from the numbers above, I've been letting smoking slip. I've been thinking on this and I don't think it's just the physical cravings for nicotine. I think it's my brain wanting a constant distraction from whatever I really want to be doing (such as working or pursuing things of value). I feel it constantly- every 10 minutes I want to ignore what I'm doing and go smoke. But there's another component to it.

I was thinking on this last night while smoking-- and I had an epiphany. What I am chasing, by smoking, is I am trying to replicate the feeling of 'checking out' or 'turning off my brain' that I so often did with alcohol, and more recently did with Valium the day of my Lasik surgery. I feel like my brain is desperately trying to find that "feel good". That day on Valium was very interesting in that it felt WAAAAYYY too awesome. I could really see myself getting addicted to it really easily, which is why I won't let myself even think about trying to find more. It felt a lot like getting drunk- the feeliing of all my worries floating away.

So, putting aside for the moment that my goal is not to be searching for ways to check out, obviously cigarettes are a poor substitute for alcohol or pills. Just a momentary subtle buzz, if at all, and then I'm stinky and my lungs hurt and I feel guilty and anxious.

I'm also recently more aware that I have a large component of fear and anxiety running through my life. I'm like, always kinda scared. I almost always feel scared of something- other people, infringing on others, being seen as rude and shitty, others being rude and shitty, doing the 'wrong' thing in others eyes, strangers being potentially aggressive, it goes on and on. Worse than that, I'm scared of my own confusion around my identity, myself as an artist. I can't seem to get myself going to create art, and it frightens me. This is a bigger topic, a whole midlife crisis/loss of identity topic, but anyway I've been using cigs to self-soothe while all this goes on. But again, cigs highten anxiety, so it's a poor tool obviously, in so many ways.

Also, cigarettes have become an excuse to avoid workouts. This, dear friends, is unacceptable. So as of today, I am CF. I'm going to the pharmacy on my way to the studio, to get nicotine patches. When I crave today, so be it- I'll just crave. I'll feel like shit. I'll hate life and hate everything. I'll fear and loathe everything, most of all myself. I'll literally salivate. And I'll know that it'll soon pass. And I'll get my ass over to the weight bench and I'll lift heavy things. This, I vow!!!

[Jazi's Mum]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull, thanks for this post. You've exposed your vulnerability - that is so courageous. And you say you're scared? No, you are just afraid of RISK. Or more specifically afraid of the FEELING of risk. And once the risk is taken it can be seen that it was ok - whether we succeed or not.

When we list, as you have, the things we're scared of it comes down to exposing ourselves - naked - to others. Alcohol and tobacco are such great shields!! Or cloaks might be a better analogy. We need something to us hide. Remember when you were little you'd put your hands over your eyes and then say that nobody could see you?

That's just what alcohol, tobacco, or Vicodin, or whatever, does for us. True grown-ups don't do this. So that's our goal: to be grown-ups who don't need a cloak or shield.

Just acknowledging this is half the battle, I think. And moving forward each day exposing ourselves more and more, being willing to feel that fear but going forward anyway.
JMum

[neophyte]

Skullbaby's Progress

nice one skull, it sounds like 2014 is going to be your year, a new you in every positive way possible. pretty cool i must say

i know all about trying to squash anxiety with drugs, I've been doing it my whole life. how did the baclofen help with your cigarette craving if at all?

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull -thanks for the great information. It helps many.

[Juan BH]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1610780 wrote:

I'm also recently more aware that I have a large component of fear and anxiety running through my life. I'm like, always kinda scared. I almost always feel scared of something- other people, infringing on others, being seen as rude and shitty, others being rude and shitty, doing the 'wrong' thing in others eyes, strangers being potentially aggressive, it goes on and on. Worse than that, I'm scared of my own confusion around my identity, myself as an artist. I can't seem to get myself going to create art, and it frightens me.

I can seriously relate to this Skull. That fear thing was gripping me early this morning pretty badly on the train going to work. I was tripping out on posting to the abstinence thread. That is something I do often- over think my posts and delete them and stuff like that. But it happens in real life too and this whole day was second guessing myself and my coworkers on all sorts of things. I was thinking I must not be ok or it's the meds all day long, feeling anxious and uneasy. Maybe it's being newly sober (I have heard people at AA meetings describing this kind of stuff about their first year of sobriety ). I don't know man. I think we just keep moving forward as best we can with some new tools and things will get better. It took a few years to get into this mess, so it may take a while to get out of it, you know?

[Yourfriend6116]

Skullbaby's Progress

I can totally relate to always being scared of something-doing something, saying something. Alcohol erased that for me, but too much, you know? I always still woke up with those same worries about what I did wrong , said wrong, messed up, while drinking. Ironic. I agree with Juan-it'll take a while to figure out a place for our "new" selfs in a new world.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

deleted double post

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

JMum- A lot of good points, thanks for those- especially the metaphor of the hiding our eyes as children so nobody could see us- that's a very interesting analogy. I think risk is definitely one major thing I'm scared of, though it feels like one of many-- thanks for your thoughts. And yes, exposing our insecurities, I find, is the first step in disarming them. I've always liked the phrase "To name it is to claim it".

Neo- Thanks. Well, so far 2014 has felt pretty rough, so hopefully that doesn't bode ill for the whole year... good thing I'm not superstitious about such things, lol! As to your question-- I did seem to be able to drop cigs almost completely for 4 or 5 months when I first went on bac-- I think I was checking out in other ways, though. Mentally checking out- like not working much, isolating, reading. Then, when it came time to get back to work, I began smoking again. I really think cigs are primarily a distraction from doing valuable work. I'm not sure if the bac has made a difference or not with cigs, since I crave them often nowadays, but again it is probably partially (primarily?) the mental habit.

Spirit- glad to hear it, man- your insightful posts do the same!

Juan- yeah man sounds like we feel much the same in these issues. I can totally relate. I'd encourage you to strive to not self-censor on MWO, as imo this should be a place were we can be courageous and vulnerable and honest-- within our own personal safety zone and preferred level of anonymity. If someone gets mad or shitty or wants clarification you can always address it later, follow up and explain your thought process more, or not. I've self-censored posts too, so I totally get it, but I think it's good that we strive to "be impeccable with our word", and there's an element of courage that will serve us well here. That said, whew workplace communication and interaction is a whole other ball game... that one can be tough...

Your comment about all this being new/first year stuff made me feel relieved, iin a way-- it's comforting to hear that this stuff might fall away more as we gain our "sea legs" in sobriety. I for one am really looking forward to meeting me a year or two down the road, I think I'll be a pretty stand up dude with a lot of good things going on.

Friend- Yep, I totally know what you mean. Though I still have all the fears etc that I talked about above, I am so glad to not also have the anxiety and fears over "the usual last night's binge". Now, I can focus on being scared of the stuff underneath. Lol. Or, more hopefully, begin to confront and conquer the scary stuff underneath. Thanks for the comments.

Quick update- Day 73 AF. Feeling pretty good, up super early on a cold, rainy, dark, wet PNW Sunday morning. I've decided to just go into the art studio and dive into the projects that I've been putting off/scared of. Just jump the fuck in. I may smoke today while I do art, but I think I'm ok with that for today, and for the next few days while I finish this art project. I will be doing art, and I will be sober, and that is enough to make me happy.

I'm grateful today for being so lucky as to have a fantastic GF, great friends and loving family. I'm reasonably young, healthy, and talented. I've got a really blessed life and I feel a lot of gratitude today.

Best to all!
Skull

[Jazi's Mum]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull, you do sound great today. As for gratitude, I'm grateful for YOU!
JMum

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks, JM

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 75 AF, Day 262 on bac, 95mg/day, 125mg AB.

Last couple days were pretty hard, emotionally. I can feel my inner self at war over the creative projects. Part of me wants to do them, part of me is resisting something fierce, and so I stall out and spin my wheels and it doesn't get done. It leaves me with an overall feeling of disappointment and dissatisfaction and anxiety. Then I smoke, as a way to soothe and distract, but all I think about is impending cancer and emphyzema, wondering which cig will be the final nail in my coffin, so then I get more stressed out, not less. So anyway, last couple days have all been a big giant ball of tension and anxiety and a significant amount of self-loathing.

Thankfully I'm developing tools to work on all this. I'm working on positive affirmations, hope, building positive momentum, and most of all, gratitude. Gratitude seems to be the biggest key for turning a negative day into a positive one.

I'm actually thankful for the fear/anxiety around smoking, as it's motivating me to quit. Got my nicotine lozenges and, while they're not as momentarily satisfying as cigs, get me through the craving and do not bring me the giant cloud of fear. I keep reminding myself of this throughout my day and pop a nicotine candy instead of buying cigs.

I also keep worrying constantly about what ifs... what if I lose my job, what if I get attacked, what if I don't have money, what if I fuck up my relationship with my GF, what if I'm not acting true to myself, what if I get cancer. I keep making up things to worry about in the future, things that may or may not ever come. I have to keep re-framing my current reality... life is actually pretty great and I have much to be grateful for. As to those what ifs, I can do some things about them and some not. I can stop smoking, I can save funds for an emergency, I can be more loving and supportive in my relationship, I can get another job if I need to, etc. I have all the tools I need to improve my life, and to the things I can't control, oh well, that's how it is.

Anyway, this journal is largely me venting and blowing off some steam. I've been aware recently of how physically tense I am as well. Not sleeping as well, and muscles/energy all tense. I think I need to re-focus my efforts to begin martial arts (to release tension/aggression) and meditation and/or therapy (to restore physical/emotional balance). If I don't balance things, I feel like the tension will build to a dangerous point.

Another big area that I think I need to address is my feeling of a void of social interaction, of community. Of course, I have that here with MWO which is why I'm on it every single day. But interractions in the real world are becoming scarce. I feel my social skills atrophying. Just like with muscle, social skills require constant practice ("use it or lose it") and as a sole freelance artist in my lonely studio, isolation is starting to bug me. Random interactions with strangers are seeming more and more awkward. Pretty much the only person I engage with daily is my GF. She's great but I think I need to expand the social life. So, I think I need to find ways to engage in the community more- I think I'm going to look up meetups etc today.

These are all, I'm realizing, necessary to teach me how to manage stress without alcohol. Now that I've taken alcohol off the table as an option (with AB) I have no choice but to find other ways to deal. In all these ways, and many others, going AF is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, the greatest challenge of my adult life. I'm glad to have bac and AB as tools to help, so I can do this work that I so desperately need to do.

Best to all.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull -I swear on a stack of baclofen pill bottles, if I did not know better, I would swear I wrote what you just posted.

I reply back to your post to help me and I hope maybe you get something out of it too. Got to remember Skull, it is all about me.

.01 Nicotine-Cigs. Sounds like a great distraction -you can blame all of your "don't feel quite right" scenarios on lack of nicotine. Hear me say this and then tell me to go jump off of a bridge but nicotine is a very powerful and helpful drug to someone like me. The way that I ingest it causes all the problems. So, for now, I will stick with the Nicorette gum and believe that I have a much better chance at not getting mouth cancer. There has never been a more difficult substance for me to withdraw from than nicotine. Alcohol does not even come in a close second place when compared to nicotine.

.02 The what-ifs and reframing current reality: I am so damned tired of certain father figure in my life telling me that "If a frog had wings, it would not bust its ass every time that it jumped". This entire paragraph applies to me too and it sucks. I have this same habit of making up something to worry about even if all is just perfect. You know Skull, I think I do this worry stuff to distract me from thinking about what I can and want to do to change my future. It is just feels so much safer and comfortable to worry about sh--t that I have NO control over. A famous SKULL quote: "I have all the tools I need to improve my life, and to the things I can't control, oh well, that's how it is."


.03 Balance and EXERCISE: My question is why try to do life in a balanced manner. I want all in on one area and the hell to all the rest. When I get bored with one area, I will address the other areas -right? Whatever. Get yourself a bottle of discipline there wolf. What is so funny is that when I do balance things out, I feel so much damn better about all the other individual parts -and yet I continue to fight this approach.

.04 Social Interaction and Self Imposed Isolation: Per Skull: "Another big area that I think I need to address is my feeling of a void of social interaction, of community." This is a biggy, especially for me. You see, I enjoy (love) being alone to create or work on what ever I am doing so much that I rate it up at the very top of my life's priorities. I am a very happy introvert by definition.

However, I also enjoy being around others -just not for long periods of time, especially if it is just "pass-the-time" talk. Once that engage and interact with others, I am always glad that I did. Its just in initial motivation to do so. My reluctance to interact made for some extremely difficult times when I was operating my own business, but I created a system that worked for me -so, all was ok there.

Too much alone time, especially for "alcoholics", is just not a good thing. Just damn, I can create enough conversations in my own head to drive me crazy (and maybe these self-conversations have done this?). The important part for me to realize is that when I am engaging with others, I am just not thinking about number one (me). How great I feel to get out and help someone else and yet it is one of the most difficult tasks to "begin".

Skull -this is one great post, if for no one else but me. I needed to read what I have been thinking.

[spuddleduck]

Skullbaby's Progress

skull, 75 days without poison... that is fantastic. your last post rings so true, as I always say there is a hell of a lot more to not drinking than simply 'not drinking'.
a couple of things you mention seem to be true for a lot of us... the 'what ifs', that's a biggy for me. I've always considered it as being prepared for any eventuality but really it is just unnecessary worry, hell we have enough to worry about without adding things that may not even happen, I tend also to dwell on the past. crazy, its anything but the present moment.
Also, the social interaction, again like many I have a self imposed isolation. yes I also enjoy being with people, but not for too long. in the past year I would say I have only twice actively chosen to be with friends (other than going to the pub pissed, these are drinkers, not friends). its all crazy stuff but recognising these issues means at least we can begin to address them. thanks for your in depth self thoughts, it helps us all.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks, Spirit and Duck, for the thoughtful replies. I will respond to them specifically, in my own usual detailed way, tomorrow

For today, quick update- Day 81 AF, Day 268 on bac @ 95mg/day, and AB @125mg/day.

Well gang, I'm going to be uncharacteristically brief today, but a couple things going on.

One, I found out a big reason for a bunch of the anxiety and depression from a few days ago. While I know that much of it is due to real issues that I've described, I also figured out that for about three days, I'D ACCIDENTALLY TAKEN THE WRONG DOSE OF BACLOFEN.

As most of us know, this is a big NO-NO. I am super sensitive to bac dosage, SE's etc, even at my low-ish dosage range. I was only going from 100mg to 95mg (that's how crazy sensitive I am to medications) and instead, I miscalculated and was taking 85 mg instead. A drop of just 15 mg played real havoc, with significant SE's, in the form of the anxiety I described. The nervousness, the fears, the irritability. Sure, I experience these all with some regularity but they were VERY hightened for a few days. I didn't understand why until I took a second look at my baclofen and realized my mistake.

No matter what dosage you're on, even with small doses in my case, but the important lesson here is WE NEED TO BE CAREFUL WITH DOSING THE RIGHT AMOUNTS FOR US.

The second thing going on is that I've finally been able to breakthrough a bit on art projects. I still experience the crazy resistance and mental gymnastics but now that my deadline is down to the wire I'm finally doing some work. And it's pretty good work, for the most part, I'm mostly pretty happy with it. So I'm calling that a win.

Also, I'm glad I keep this journal because re-reading it this morning reminded me to keep an attitude of gratitude, which is invaluable.

OK that's all for today, best to all.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

81 days Skull:wd: bravo!

Sorry to hear about your dosage issue and I don't know much about bac but be careful.

So nice to hear you having some break through a with your art. That must be rewarding after your little slump. I hope you get many days of confidences & smooth sailing.