Skullbaby's Progress

[Yourfriend6116]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull-thanks for the update on your Bac dosage miscalculation. Good info to know/remember when going up/down.

[Juan BH]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1615851 wrote:

A drop of just 15 mg played real havoc, with significant SE's, in the form of the anxiety I described. The nervousness, the fears, the irritability. Sure, I experience these all with some regularity but they were VERY hightened for a few days. I didn't understand why until I took a second look at my baclofen and realized my mistake.

The second thing going on is that I've finally been able to breakthrough a bit on art projects. I still experience the crazy resistance and mental gymnastics but now that my deadline is down to the wire I'm finally doing some work. And it's pretty good work, for the most part, I'm mostly pretty happy with it. So I'm calling that a win.

Wow Skull-

I'm glad you figured that out. My drops these days are only in 5mg increments and I get all of the fear/anxiety/depression for about 4 days each time. I am also pretty sensitive to the bac.

Great to hear about the breakthrough with your art work. That is so important and has to be a relief for you.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1615851 wrote:
For today, quick update- Day 81 AF, Day 268 on bac @ 95mg/day, and AB @125mg/day.

Also, I'm glad I keep this journal because re-reading it this morning reminded me to keep an attitude of gratitude, which is invaluable.

***GRATITUDE*** -Thanks for the reminder.

I use to hear something like "gratitude is an attitude" and "attitude determines altitude"

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1612967 wrote:

.01 Nicotine-Cigs. Sounds like a great distraction -you can blame all of your "don't feel quite right" scenarios on lack of nicotine. Hear me say this and then tell me to go jump off of a bridge but nicotine is a very powerful and helpful drug to someone like me. The way that I ingest it causes all the problems. So, for now, I will stick with the Nicorette gum and believe that I have a much better chance at not getting mouth cancer. There has never been a more difficult substance for me to withdraw from than nicotine. Alcohol does not even come in a close second place when compared to nicotine.

.02 The what-ifs and reframing current reality: I am so damned tired of certain father figure in my life telling me that "If a frog had wings, it would not bust its ass every time that it jumped". This entire paragraph applies to me too and it sucks. I have this same habit of making up something to worry about even if all is just perfect. You know Skull, I think I do this worry stuff to distract me from thinking about what I can and want to do to change my future. It is just feels so much safer and comfortable to worry about sh--t that I have NO control over. A famous SKULL quote: "I have all the tools I need to improve my life, and to the things I can't control, oh well, that's how it is."


.03 Balance and EXERCISE: My question is why try to do life in a balanced manner. I want all in on one area and the hell to all the rest. When I get bored with one area, I will address the other areas -right? Whatever. Get yourself a bottle of discipline there wolf. What is so funny is that when I do balance things out, I feel so much damn better about all the other individual parts -and yet I continue to fight this approach.

.04 Social Interaction and Self Imposed Isolation: Per Skull: "Another big area that I think I need to address is my feeling of a void of social interaction, of community." This is a biggy, especially for me. You see, I enjoy (love) being alone to create or work on what ever I am doing so much that I rate it up at the very top of my life's priorities. I am a very happy introvert by definition.

However, I also enjoy being around others -just not for long periods of time, especially if it is just "pass-the-time" talk. Once that engage and interact with others, I am always glad that I did. Its just in initial motivation to do so. My reluctance to interact made for some extremely difficult times when I was operating my own business, but I created a system that worked for me -so, all was ok there.

Too much alone time, especially for "alcoholics", is just not a good thing. Just damn, I can create enough conversations in my own head to drive me crazy (and maybe these self-conversations have done this?). The important part for me to realize is that when I am engaging with others, I am just not thinking about number one (me). How great I feel to get out and help someone else and yet it is one of the most difficult tasks to "begin".

Skull -this is one great post, if for no one else but me. I needed to read what I have been thinking.

Thanks for the thoughtful comments, Spirit. As to your points-

Nicotine- yep, I've made peace with it for now, though I have made some good progress in that I've ditched the cigs in favor of the nicotine lozenges (which I've begun calling "nicandies"). I thought about the patch but I like the oral component, and I don't chew gum, so nicandies it is. I actually prefer them to cigs now, especially since they don't give me the tight labored breathing. Anyway, I'll taper off the nicandies slowly and that's good enough for me. Every day that I use them instead of buying a pack of cigs is a good day.

As to worrying and anxiety, I've actually been looking for natural, herbal remedies to lower anxiety and think I've found some supps that help with it significantly. I take a Stress Guard supp with valerian, chamomile, theanine, etc. and then rhodiola. I also have been supplementing magnesium. I read about all these in a "natural cures for anxiety" thread and they do seem to be helping. Also to that point--

Crucial to feeling less anxiety and worry is eating properly, exercising, and balance of routine. I was glad to get your comments on this as it served as a reminder-- I was just ramping up to do a giant sprint on my art projects, under deadline, and was thinking of ditching my routine just to get them all done, but thought twice and decided it's not a good idea for me. I get all out of whack physically, mentally, and emotionally when I do this. I get very "H.A.L.T" this way. So, decided it's better to be good to my routine of sleep, nutrtion, exercise, and balance, and if the project is late a day or two, that's still better than the alternative.

I'm also better able to deal with all the irrational what-if worries this way, see better perspective, keep calm and focus on what matters. I'm sure it helps that I've finally gotten a bunch of art done and I'm reasonably happy with it! It'll feel good to send these in to the publisher and check them off on my ToDo list on my whiteboard! It took no small amount of anxiety and getting past my blocks/barriers, this is going to be an ongoing process.

As to your comments regarding isolation and introversion, hoooo boy can I relate to this. I've been thinking on this and decided to start looking at moving my basment studio (my Batcave) from its lonely current location to a much more community focused art studio building with lots of other artists etc. just to be more connected. I may need to pay a bit more for this but I think its worth it, as the current Batcave feels pretty lonesome and kinda depressing. So, I may need to make this move.

Thanks for being such a good sounding board and for your insightful comments Spirit!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spuddleduck;1613360 wrote: skull, 75 days without poison... that is fantastic. your last post rings so true, as I always say there is a hell of a lot more to not drinking than simply 'not drinking'.
a couple of things you mention seem to be true for a lot of us... the 'what ifs', that's a biggy for me. I've always considered it as being prepared for any eventuality but really it is just unnecessary worry, hell we have enough to worry about without adding things that may not even happen, I tend also to dwell on the past. crazy, its anything but the present moment.
Also, the social interaction, again like many I have a self imposed isolation. yes I also enjoy being with people, but not for too long. in the past year I would say I have only twice actively chosen to be with friends (other than going to the pub pissed, these are drinkers, not friends). its all crazy stuff but recognising these issues means at least we can begin to address them. thanks for your in depth self thoughts, it helps us all.

Duck, thanks for your comments, I am glad you can relate to these thoughts. I wrote some thoughts regarding these things above, in my reply to Spirit. Yep it is pretty crazy how much we can obsess and dwell over the past and just spin our wheels, mentally and emotionally... it can be exhausting. I find that the two greatest tools to help get past this is forgiveness (for others but most importantly ourselves) and gratitude.

How you doing today Duck? I read that you had a rough few days, I hope things are looking up for you and you're being kind to yourself, you deserve it

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

BK, YF, and Juan- thanks for the supportive comments. Yep, dosage is very important to get right. Make sure to double and triple-check your math people, this is important stuff! SO much depends on us getting this right, because this influences so much important stuff- our sobriety, our physical, emotional, mental health, SE's or hopefully lack thereof, and our capacity to deal with problems in our day to day lives. Therefore, dosage is well worth spending the time to get right!!!!!

And yep, it does feel good to make some progress on the art front. I'll be done with this project by end of day and send it off to the publisher, and call it good! It sure took some mental gymnastics to get myself motivated though... whew. I'm going to be working on this problem diligently.

Best to all

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull -thanks for your posts -you are helping a lot of us rethink our own situations.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

BOOOOM!!!! Art project FINISHED AND UPLOADED, publisher (hopefully) happy and satisfied!

Guys... I actually FINISHED A PROJECT. I start things, I never ever finish... well, for years... and not til NOW. OH FUCK YES. Time to relaaaaaaaax... bath and reading time followed by couch potatoness. aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

[Eve Gatha]

Skullbaby's Progress

Huge Congratulations, Skull!! This sounds like a whole new chapter in your professional life... Just the beginning of your serious talent coming into its own!

Your story and serious introspection here are so inspiring, I share that "attitude of gratitude!"
Thanks for sharing,
Eve

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks, Eve, for the kind words. Yep I'm still riding high that I actually finished something I started, and the fact that I'm pretty darn happy with the pages is a nice bonus!

I ran across this very cool expression of artistic endeavors, and it can be very applied to what we're trying to do here- the "masterwork of art" could be seen as the end result we're looking for, to not be slaves to alcohol. And the "brick by brick" is each day we live AF and healthier than the day before. Read it with that perspective- Brick by Brick | Doodle Alley

I kind of love this, it is something I go through constantly with art projects too, and I think I'll print these out and keep them above my computer.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 86 AF. Day 273 on bac, 95mg/day. 125mg AB/day.

Well, things are going pretty good, I gotta say. My bac SE's went away after I corrected the dosage that I wrote about earlier. I've been sober longer than I've EVER been in my LIFE, even including pre-legal-drinking-age, teenager drinking (which even then, I did most weekends that I could get it bought for me).

I can't believe I'm coming up on 90 days. And the kicker is that it was relatively EASY.

At least, in comparison to my previous, countless attempts to moderate or abstain, which were always white-knuckled, anxiety-filled affairs. They were hard as hell and never lasted too long. But this time I seem to have really stumbled on to the right combination of tools to help me get healthy from this disease that's been slowly destroying me for twenty.. fucking... years.

Yes, 86 days is not a huge amount of time comparitively speaking, I've still got a loooooong way to go and a loooooooot of work to do, so I'm not trying to pat myself on the back here too much, but I thought I'd jot down some thoughts on this little chunk of relative success so far.

A quick list of those tools, as a recap for anyone new to my thread or interested- the tools that I consider critical for my little chunk of success are-

1. Baclofen, for reducing cravings. Used to be that the cravings were my achilles heel, and would bring me down everytime. Thus, I had to address them first, and bac did that.
2. Antabuse. Second only to the cravings were the ingrained habits and associated activities. Could be a sunny afternoon, a rainy evening, almost any party or gathering, or just tv at home. These habitually paired with booze. Since I had the physical booze cravings with bac relatively under control, I still had to break these mental habits. Antabuse keeps those habits from being acted upon since it took away the option.

Those two were the biggest tools to help me regain the ability to do the rest of the work needed, such as getting healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually, as well as finding clarity in my head, forgiveness (for others and also for self) and gratitude in my heart.

Critical to this, ended up being-

1. Physical exercise, in my case weights and cardio, with some stretching and yoga.
2. Healthy nutrition. Importance cannot be understated.
3. Supplements. This ended up surprising me- while doing the sober AF days I had many days of low mood, dark, edgy/irritated, sad, depressed. And most of all, anxiety. (all of which can be heavy drinking triggers/habits, making the bac/antabuse above so critical). Thus, I began to research natural remedies and came to understand how deficient almost all people in industrialized nations are, and much moreso us alcoholics, in critical vitamins such as D, B, and magnesium. Also for anxiety I supplement with a Stress Guard vitamin including herbs like rhodiola, valerian, theanine. I feel fantastic, balanced, happy now that I'm supplementing with them. Thus making other healthy behaviors possible, and easier.
4. Community (MWO)- obvious to anyone already reading here. I've become a daily poster, and I enjoy counting days as it sort of keeps things solid and clear in my head-- the opposite being vague thinking such as "I kinda lost count... I dunno how long... " I feel that could lead to "well, maybe it's not a big deal, I could probably handle drinking soon, etc" I know not everyone loves the idea of counting days, but that's just what works well for me.

Anyway- I thought that since I actually COMPLETED an art project this week, that it's sort of a milestone week for me, thus I thought it'd be a good time to recap this stuff for myself or any others who're interested. Finishing an art project was an unbelievable milestone in fact, because I was able to get back a part of me, that artist who can successfully execute an idea and get it out there to an audience. It was a part that I'd truly thought had been lost over the years of being drowned in poison... I really feared that it'd been killed forever.

Again, I don't mean to pat myself on the back too much, but since it's such a big deal for me and I feared it lost forver, I'm going to indulge in a moment of happiness about this... Now, I have 6 beautiful illustrations to look at and feel pride over. Plus, the few people that I've showed them to have been seriously "wowed" by them, so that external validation doesn't hurt... (I've gotten comments like "Sweet Merciful Crap, these are amazing" and "Holy shit dude, you ain't fucking around"... ) I'm not gonna lie, those are fun to receive, though nowadays I know the difference between doing the art for other's approval and doing it for myself. This time, I did it for myself and I'm really genuinely happy.

OK, that's enough rambling from me. Thanks to anyone reading this...
Best to all.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull - I got to hand it to you; You appear to have become the poster child for sobriety. If I would manage to do what you are doing, my life would improve drastically. For me, I seem to do good at some parts (regarding your current steps), and then I totally drop the others. You are walking the talk and you are a true encouragement to me.

Thanks for the updates.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks for the compliments/support Spirit, but I think you're just as likely a poster child as I, especially because you've been able to stay sober for more months, on just bac, which is seriously awesome. Plus, from all I've read, your life HAS improved drastically, no? Tell us more where you're at these days, my friend.

Also, I should note that I'm not 100% compliant with all those steps I mentioned... I have my bad days too, where I'm just like... exercise... PFFF! As an example. But, I'd say I'm around 70-80% compliant and I consider that success.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull DO NOT EVER stop rambling... you are my idol...I connected with this post so much and you mentioning your ups and downs with your emotions in earlier sobeity are really what keep me going.. I didn't ever try to be sober in my younger life but in the past 15 years I have and as you mentioned it feels like I finally have the tools and support that I so badly needed.. These 25 days weren't nearly as pain staking or white knuckling as they have been in the past...

Crazy shit... all of the sudden its really happening... 86 days is a big deal to you just like 25 is a super big deal to me.... you should celebrate like a Rock STAR. And you giving yourself kudos over your art work is phenomenal because you are loving yourself. I am so dang happy for you......

I am so glad you are my friend here... break your damn arm patting yourself on the back...

YOU DESERVE it buddie.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1618318 wrote: Thanks for the compliments/support Spirit, but I think you're just as likely a poster child as I, especially because you've been able to stay sober for more months, on just bac, which is seriously awesome. Plus, from all I've read, your life HAS improved drastically, no? Tell us more where you're at these days, my friend.

Also, I should note that I'm not 100% compliant with all those steps I mentioned... I have my bad days too, where I'm just like... exercise... PFFF! As an example. But, I'd say I'm around 70-80% compliant and I consider that success.

Skull -thanks for asking about my progress. I really would like to create a thread exclusive to my journey -the way that you have done. But for now, I will just add some clutter to your thread.

First and foremost, let me say that my life is -with out one doubt- so much better today than it was one just 10 months ago. You see, 10 months ago, I held no hope for any kind of "real" life. I was not willing to give up, but I was so down and out that it was almost impossible to look for "any way out". But I did -and I found baclofen. Fortunate for me, it was and still is a "miracle" medicine.

I had two weeks (post baclofen) where I reintroduced alcohol into my life - a confession (I am an alcoholic). This was a horrible but necessary experience. I did not want to say anything because of my inflated ego -but now I have. When drinking, I all but stopped taking the baclofen. No titration down, just drinking. Perhaps this is why I could pick right back up with baclofen and only suffer for about three days. So, I went down from 180mg to 80mg overnight but was drinking. As such, maybe baclofen does mimic aclohol in many ways?

Today, I remain alcohol free and most always look forward to waking up and living life EVERY morning (not so just 10 months ago). I stay at around 180-200mg bac. I have overcame a major business failing and all the repercussions (employee takeover of my company)-my fault, overcame some major financial hurdles (still tuff), lost many so "called" friendship/business relationships, and yet, here I am feeling more free and happy than ever before -and still have no direct direction.

So skull, as you may see, everyday is damn near a miracle for me. I am no longer under chains of alcohol (thanks to baclofen and mywayout) and I am not thinking I won't make it another day, so what the hell, every day that I am vertical and know where I am is a great day.

Thanks for allowing me to spew on your thread.