Skullbaby's Progress

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

bkyogagurl;1618325 wrote: Skull DO NOT EVER stop rambling... you are my idol...I connected with this post so much and you mentioning your ups and downs with your emotions in earlier sobeity are really what keep me going.. I didn't ever try to be sober in my younger life but in the past 15 years I have and as you mentioned it feels like I finally have the tools and support that I so badly needed.. These 25 days weren't nearly as pain staking or white knuckling as they have been in the past...

Crazy shit... all of the sudden its really happening... 86 days is a big deal to you just like 25 is a super big deal to me.... you should celebrate like a Rock STAR. And you giving yourself kudos over your art work is phenomenal because you are loving yourself. I am so dang happy for you......

I am so glad you are my friend here... break your damn arm patting yourself on the back...

YOU DESERVE it buddie.

Thanks BK I'm so glad you find something of worth in my posts! And I especially like your comment "break your damn arm patting yourself on the back", that made me smile.

Yep 25 days is seriously awesome, you should celebrate like a rockstar as well!!! So fantastic that you're coming up on 30. I'm glad to have you for a friend too. People like you and Spirit and the rest of my friends here are very important to me.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1618343 wrote: Skull -thanks for asking about my progress. I really would like to create a thread exclusive to my journey -the way that you have done. But for now, I will just add some clutter to your thread.

First and foremost, let me say that my life is -with out one doubt- so much better today than it was one just 10 months ago. You see, 10 months ago, I held no hope for any kind of "real" life. I was not willing to give up, but I was so down and out that it was almost impossible to look for "any way out". But I did -and I found baclofen. Fortunate for me, it was and still is a "miracle" medicine.

I had two weeks (post baclofen) where I reintroduced alcohol into my life - a confession (I am an alcoholic). This was a horrible but necessary experience. I did not want to say anything because of my inflated ego -but now I have. When drinking, I all but stopped taking the baclofen. No titration down, just drinking. Perhaps this is why I could pick right back up with baclofen and only suffer for about three days. So, I went down from 180mg to 80mg overnight but was drinking. As such, maybe baclofen does mimic aclohol in many ways?

Today, I remain alcohol free and most always look forward to waking up and living life EVERY morning (not so just 10 months ago). I stay at around 180-200mg bac. I have overcame a major business failing and all the repercussions (employee takeover of my company)-my fault, overcame some major financial hurdles (still tuff), lost many so "called" friendship/business relationships, and yet, here I am feeling more free and happy than ever before -and still have no direct direction.

So skull, as you may see, everyday is damn near a miracle for me. I am no longer under chains of alcohol (thanks to baclofen and mywayout) and I am not thinking I won't make it another day, so what the hell, every day that I am vertical and know where I am is a great day.

Thanks for allowing me to spew on your thread.

Spirit, such a great post my friend, and so good to hear about what's been going on for you.

Thanks for the honesty in posting about the two drinking weeks. None of us are superhuman and it's a show of confidence and strength to talk openly about moments of weakness (since we all have them anyway). The stopping of baclofen with no titration during those weeks is what scares me the most about your account of this period-- if you don't mind me asking, why did you drop the medication while drinking during these weeks? And what got you to stop drinking and resume the bac? Was it just the typical sick/hungover/depressed feeling that we all know too well?

Spirit, your last 10 months are inspiring. Going from near-hopeless to the grateful and hopeful person you are today is nothing short of awesome. I'm happy for you especially when I hear of your recent creative projects that have you on cloud nine. Keep it up my friend, and do consider a progress thread!

And lastly, I'll just say that I wouldn't stand for anyone else calling your words things like "clutter" and "spew", so I won't stand for you calling your own words that, either. Honor your words and your thoughts my friend- they are our gateway into your world so don't denigrate them, instead rock them with pride. Just my two cents

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1618660 wrote: Spirit, such a great post my friend, and so good to hear about what's been going on for you.

Thanks for the honesty in posting about the two drinking weeks. None of us are superhuman and it's a show of confidence and strength to talk openly about moments of weakness (since we all have them anyway). The stopping of baclofen with no titration during those weeks is what scares me the most about your account of this period-- if you don't mind me asking, why did you drop the medication while drinking during these weeks? And what got you to stop drinking and resume the bac? Was it just the typical sick/hungover/depressed feeling that we all know too well?

Spirit, your last 10 months are inspiring. Going from near-hopeless to the grateful and hopeful person you are today is nothing short of awesome. I'm happy for you especially when I hear of your recent creative projects that have you on cloud nine. Keep it up my friend, and do consider a progress thread!

And lastly, I'll just say that I wouldn't stand for anyone else calling your words things like "clutter" and "spew", so I won't stand for you calling your own words that, either. Honor your words and your thoughts my friend- they are our gateway into your world so don't denigrate them, instead rock them with pride. Just my two cents

Hi Skull -thanks for your comments. I stopped drinking after the two week debacle because I knew how much better life was when I was not drinking and taking baclofen. It did not take much effort (not like before without baclofen) to stop drinking. Please, don't misunderstand, it took effort in the form of being uncomfortable for a few days -but I knew it would only get worse if I did not stop. And the baclofen with no titration down while drinking; again, I just have to believe that baclofen almost entirely mimics the effects of alcohol, and as such, you don't have to keep going with both. Perhaps this was a non-intentional experiment, but for me, it proved what I thought was going on. I don't recommend this approach of experimentation to anyone.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Spirit- I'm curious to hear more about what you mean about bac mimicking almost entirely the effects of alcohol- I'd never read this before. The drunken euphoria, the craving to keep going well past safe limits, lowering inhibitions and making rash/unsafe decisions, hangover sickness, etc, I don't experience any of that on bac. Do you mean these, or something else? I'm curious to hear you elaborate on your experience/perspective.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1619033 wrote: Spirit- I'm curious to hear more about what you mean about bac mimicking almost entirely the effects of alcohol- I'd never read this before. The drunken euphoria, the craving to keep going well past safe limits, lowering inhibitions and making rash/unsafe decisions, hangover sickness, etc, I don't experience any of that on bac. Do you mean these, or something else? I'm curious to hear you elaborate on your experience/perspective.

Good question Skull -let me preface this conversation by saying "an alcoholic like me". You see, where I was in the quitting alcohol was at the point of no return. At the time of my quitting, the only "high" that I was getting was the relief of pain -both physical and mental- that the alcohol was bringing. Well, I did get 10 to 15 minutes of an "alcoholic" buzz but that was soon gone and I just needed more alcohol in order not to fall further into the abyss. And then, after not being able to drink more, I just needed to sleep and not think about what I was going to need when I awoke (more alcohol).

Now, what I think that I am trying to say is that the once wonderful high you receive while drinking almost vanishes at some point -then all that you are doing is drinking to not feel the pain that you know is coming.

With baclofen, I no longer felt that need to keep drinking to "not fee the pain". I felt ok without drinking (still do). Baclofen some how replaces the alcohols ability to "feel ok with who I am". In this way, baclofen mimics alcohol.

Well, at this point in your drinking, a calmness becomes all that one is seeking. You are no longer looking for the "high". You just don't want to feel like hell. So, you keep on drinking -so you don't have to feel. Perhaps this is what I am talking about when I say that baclofen mimics alcohol.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1619227 wrote: Good question Skull -let me preface this conversation by saying "an alcoholic like me". You see, where I was in the quitting alcohol was at the point of no return. At the time of my quitting, the only "high" that I was getting was the relief of pain -both physical and mental- that the alcohol was bringing. Well, I did get 10 to 15 minutes of an "alcoholic" buzz but that was soon gone and I just needed more alcohol in order not to fall further into the abyss. And then, after not being able to drink more, I just needed to sleep and not think about what I was going to need when I awoke (more alcohol).

Now, what I think that I am trying to say is that the once wonderful high you receive while drinking almost vanishes at some point -then all that you are doing is drinking to not feel the pain that you know is coming.

With baclofen, I no longer felt that need to keep drinking to "not fee the pain". I felt ok without drinking (still do). Baclofen some how replaces the alcohols ability to "feel ok with who I am". In this way, baclofen mimics alcohol.

Well, at this point in your drinking, a calmness becomes all that one is seeking. You are no longer looking for the "high". You just don't want to feel like hell. So, you keep on drinking -so you don't have to feel. Perhaps this is what I am talking about when I say that baclofen mimics alcohol.

Interesting Spirit, thanks for elaborating. In the context of your explanation, bac seems even more like a godsend to get the firewater out of your life, I'm so glad for you that you found it and it's been such a game-changer for you when so many other "solutions" didn't help the problem.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

I read this a couple days ago in Jmum's thread and thought I'd paste it here for the record, as I really identified that this is (was) me!

"The addict's disease becomes disguised, hidden beneath the ritual of cocktails.

Their long dinners lingering over bottles of wine, their diatribes on politics, their strange and singular possession of a subject that they cannot seem to let go of and have to remain in control of lest the pain they are seeping out through it, leaking slowly onto everyone else, break loose somehow and get all over everything.

Their addiction is morphing into odd behavior, twisted thinking, lack of empathy for those around them. It is so strange being around someone who uses alcohol or drugs to manage inner pain, resentment or anxiety because they, more than anyone, are convinced of their own rightness.

They are brittle on the subject of their increasing use, on any subject for that matter.

They take over the dinner conversation, drive delicate points way too hard, go on long and tedious harangues about which they appear to have unduly strong feelings.

Their eyes slowly glaze over and you know that they do not fully see you, or care to see you. But the person they really do not see is themselves. They are hiding in plain sight. Caught on a wheel of self-medication that rolls its way through the person, across the dinner table and along the path of the next generation."

I still cringe when I think of my embarrasing behavior for so many years, but in a way I think these memories are a good motivator to keep commited to sobriety. As I said on her thread, I think I've been this person for so much of my drinking life... I'm happy that so far I've stopped this behavior for the most part, at least the drink-induced part "No more an insufferable drunken oaf" should be my new mantra to try to live by.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 277 on bac, 90mg/day, 125mg AB/day. Day 90 AF.

Well gang, I hit a milestone- I committed to the 90 days and I don't mind saying that I'm pretty proud of myself for seeing it through. I've always been such a quitter, well maybe a better way to say it is , such an "abandoner" of almost every single thing I set out to do.

I think much of that was due to the drinking though... When I really committed to sobriety, it was with the mindset that alcohol itself is what is taking away all good things in my life, and therefore sobriety is "the well by which all good waters spring". I just had to trust that that's true and that good things will come eventually if I protect my quit.

I'm so glad that this does have every indication of being true, being that I finished that art project (which is now gathering some momentum with my audience via preview "sneak peeks".)

Though I'm proud that I finished it, I think I'm MORE proud that I did my 90 days. I think my quit is the only way I can do projects like I did.

Anyway, I'll keep this one relatively short (for me, that is). I'm off to the studio to do more art.

One side note- oddly, in the last day or two, I've noticed the salivating thing a little, when someone mentions drinking. It's pretty tiny, and I'm not physically craving or mentally fixating on alcohol at all, nor giving up my Antabuse, so I'm not in the danger zone. That said, the Pavlovian salivating response thing coming back surprises me a bit, so I'm going to keep a vigilant eye on it and make sure actual cravings don't come back.

Best to all.

[Jazi's Mum]

Skullbaby's Progress

And we're watching you....:H:H

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1620140 wrote: Update- Day 277 on bac, 90mg/day, 125mg AB/day. Day 90 AF.

Well gang, I hit a milestone- I committed to the 90 days and I don't mind saying that I'm pretty proud of myself for seeing it through. I've always been such a quitter, well maybe a better way to say it is , such an "abandoner" of almost every single thing I set out to do.

Best to all.

90 days is huge for an alcoholic. Fantastic! Congratulations. Now, how are you going to celebrate today/tonight? (lol-I hope)

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

How many days now Skull?

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hehe are you asking cuz you thought i might have "celebrated" last night with drinks? Luckily, nope no such thoughts were entertained and today is day 91. I'm grateful. Even if I did want to go drink, which I dont... the AB would preclude me from doing so.

Thanks for the congratulations, Spirit!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

I should have mentioned in my post yesterday that the plan is now 120 days. Yep I'm gonna keep going cuz life is good this way and it's way too shitty when I'm a drunk.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

No Skull-B, I'm not concerned about u going out and tying one on; no, most post 90's do that 2-5 days after post 90. Even if you did, I think bac would help you get back quick -but what the hell, why do that now? And yes, I did forget about your anta abuse intake -bet that would play hell if you were to drink.

Skull, you are walking the talk! No more need be said.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks Spirit. Yep I'm going to keep up the momentum by rocking February sober as well, working my way up to 120 days. And from my own history I do know that even now, it'd be very precarious to attempt without the Antabuse to take away the drinking option, as my brain is still so good at tricking me to remember how "great" the euphoria feels while hiding the inevitable depression/sickness from my conscious thoughts, as you talked about it the "alcohol is a depressant- a drug" thread.