Skullbaby's Progress

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Day 120- I'm officially 4 months sober. Wow...

Update on the rock show next week- I took my AB last night, thus officially undoing any possibility for me to drink next Wednesday. I chose sobriety for now.

Next up is 150 days, and I'm thinking I'm going to commit to 180 (6 months AF).

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull -you are making me cringe. Why, because it sounds like you are CHOOSING to do what you need to do and not what you want to do. I always find that I have a few tricks up my sleeve to skirt around the need issue and get to my want issue.

Any chance you are like becoming responsible for your own well being? Regardless, you keep inspiring me.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Skullbaby's Progress

Yay! :disco:

Congratulations on 120 days, and looking forward to hearing about the next 60. Seriously.

This post really struck a chord (pun intended):

skullbabyland;1631998 wrote:
...Foremost among this is that I'm just now starting to "come back to life" in my passion for art, and I don't want to risk that being drowned again by the return of alcoholic drinking.

I'm also gaining ground with my health goals, and one night of drinking and subsequent hangover will hurt that enough that I'd feel disappointed.
You know what? That's really inspiring. It's also really important, I think. I certainly feel like it's something I want to keep in mind when looking at my own life.

skullbabyland;1631998 wrote: So basically what I've realized is, I'm not strong/balanced enough quite yet to test the waters.

Maybe strong/balanced is exactly what you are and you made a decision based on the fact that one night isn't worth sacrificing your goals or the things you're enjoying everyday. Sounds pretty...normal...to me. (Actually, it's probably above average, but who is keeping score? )

Great job, and thanks for posting.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Spirit, Ne, thanks for the encouraging words. Yes, now that I think about it, I guess I DID choose what I need to do instead of what I want to do. Though it should be said- a GIANT part of being able to do that is the Antabuse regimen that I am on-- basically, the half-life of it is so long that I need to PLAN my moves in advance, and that requires forward-thinking. This is the only way I'm able to make healthy choices. If I wasn't on the AB, 99 times out of 100 I'd just say 'fuck it' and drink, even without cravings-- just because of the habitual abuse is so mentally ingrained.

For me, basically it amounts to-

baclofen without antabuse- I still drink (because of mental habits)
antabuse without baclofen- I still drink (because of physical cravings)

baclofen+antabuse- no drinking (mental habits and physical cravings both disabled).

I know that if I just did bac alone at a higher dose, I could possibly hit a true indifference, but for reasons I've described elsewhere I want to stay at my ongoing dose of 80mg. Plus, I do appreciate that the antabuse's half-life forces me to be very deliberately conscious and aware of my choices. So that being the case, the one-two-punch of both bac and AB is working nicely for me.

So, that's a long way of saying... crisis averted I won't be attending the show, but I won't miss it too badly. I'll catch them on the next tour.

Thanks Spirit and Ne, for your supportive comments. I'm really looking forward to what the next 60 days brings...

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1633087 wrote: Spirit, Ne, thanks for the encouraging words. Yes, now that I think about it, I guess I DID choose what I need to do instead of what I want to do. Though it should be said- a GIANT part of being able to do that is the Antabuse regimen that I am on-- basically, the half-life of it is so long that I need to PLAN my moves in advance, and that requires forward-thinking. This is the only way I'm able to make healthy choices. If I wasn't on the AB, 99 times out of 100 I'd just say 'fuck it' and drink, even without cravings-- just because of the habitual abuse is so mentally ingrained.

For me, basically it amounts to-

baclofen without antabuse- I still drink (because of mental habits)
antabuse without baclofen- I still drink (because of physical cravings)

baclofen+antabuse- no drinking (mental habits and physical cravings both disabled).

I know that if I just did bac alone at a higher dose, I could possibly hit a true indifference, but for reasons I've described elsewhere I want to stay at my ongoing dose of 80mg. Plus, I do appreciate that the antabuse's half-life forces me to be very deliberately conscious and aware of my choices. So that being the case, the one-two-punch of both bac and AB is working nicely for me.

So, that's a long way of saying... crisis averted I won't be attending the show, but I won't miss it too badly. I'll catch them on the next tour.

Thanks Spirit and Ne, for your supportive comments. I'm really looking forward to what the next 60 days brings...

Skull - I think you are absolutely correct with the antabuse. This is (could be) the best program known.

[neophyte]

Skullbaby's Progress

ditto on the skull protocol, it inspired me. i would have drunk the other night, only because i was stuck in some awkward dinner and alcohol would have been an escape, not because of cravings.

you should patent it skull and write a book! maybe patent them one drug bacloBus

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks Spirit and Neo, for your words of support

I've been away from my thread for a while- not much new to report here, though I've been active on some other threads.

Quick update- Day 139 AF, Day 325 on bac @80mg/day, and still taking AB @125mg/day.

Well, I'm zeroing in on my current goal of 150 days (5 months) AF and feeling pretty good. I've been on bac close to a year now, and when I do hit one year, I'll be right around my next goal of 180 days (6 months). I've been wondering what I'll do when I get there- "test the waters" with drinking, or keep going AF (adding another 20 days to make it a clean 200 days has a nice ring to it).

I've recently been having some odd tingly/ants crawling sensations all over my body from time to time, mostly in my arms and hands and mostly in the morning while waking up. I'm guessing it's a bac SE but could be something else (lack of magnesium or some other mineral). Anyway I'm doing blood tests the next couple days to get a bigger, detailed picture, and will update.

Anyway all's going pretty well- I've got a big convention next weekend out of town, and will be reuniting with lots of old friends (most of them drinking buddies). I'll be sober, as my AB dictates it must be. It's nice to not have the option... it's a weight off my shoulders, it just is how it is and I can just move on and enjoy it.

Best to all.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Copy/pasted from the Sugar-free thread for my own record-

WOW. A couple days ago, I just had the most insane sugar craving/binge, and made myself sick. A couple days prior, I gave myself a cheat meal, which turned into a sugar binge as well, and then two days later, epic cheat binge. Both times were waaaay too much sugar. It felt very much like a drug or alcohol craving in that I became single-minded in my focus to satiate the urge. Everything else fell away and became non-existent until I could binge.

Both times I stuffed myself til I was sick and the second time, that night, I kept waking up through the night feeling soo bad- my heart was racing and I had to tell myself to breathe... finally got back to sleep. I am not sure if it was the effects of the sugar itself or the sugar withdrawal. But I am guessing I'm feeling withdrawals today- headache, lethargic, etc. All pretty gross and crappy and pretty disruptive to my day.

This is a warning to myself- sugar really is a drug in its own way and I am addicted. Yes, it's not alcohol or nicotine but I need to work on this. I should expect that sugar cravings will attack and I need to just sit and work through them, not satiate them.
Yesterday was Day 1 back to sugar/gluten free, today is Day 2.

[Samandkatharine]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull, cut yourself some slack. Our family goes thru 2 boxes of cereal a day. :wow:

The feeling you get after loading up on sugar at night is your cortisol rising and your glucose crashing. Both lead to a fitful night of sleep. Instead of succumbing to sugar or carbs, try to eat more healthy fats during the day. Sugar is the leading cause of arterial inflammation and heart disease.

Sugar is a drug. It raises dopamine levels in the brain. That's why we crave sugar after going AF.

Sam

[BetterAndBetter]

Skullbaby's Progress

I can understand the sugar cravings while alcohol free. I've learned to compromise with my cravings by snacking on a lot of fruit like organic apples, oranges and bananas. That helps a lot and as whole foods they're not so high on the glycemic index to be radically disruptive to your body. I will also make concoctions like hot cereal (rice-derived, non-gluten) sweetened with stevia and natural flavorings. It's really helped a lot and I try not to have anything around with refined sugars or highly processed carbs. Hang in there!

[Pavati]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull!

I'm lurking around your thread to try to find you. Hope all is well with you, my friend. We miss you in the March thread.

xo
Pav

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks, Sam and Better, for thoughts on alcohol/sugar and diet- I agree with you both and often use the same techniques. I'm actually being really good about cutting sugar right now except those 2 cheat days which were CRAZY insane! They really reminded me of how one drink turns into a 3 day binge. Only in this case it was one donut turns into a 30 thousand calorie sugar binge. OK probably not that much but you get my point.

For my part, I just returned last night from a 4-day convention out of town and I am very happy I was able to abstain most importantly from alcohol (and also junk food and most surprisingly, also cigarettes). It had all of my classic triggers- 1. seeing LOTS of old friends/acquaintences and all the small talk and social anxiety that comes with it, 2. most of them are old drinking/SMOKING buddies, and 3, road trips away from home always trigger me, and 4. general social anxiety at the convention and all the dinner/drinks events in the evenings. All these, plus just the occasional thoughts of wanting to have the fun that everyone else "gets" to.

I didn't indulge in ANY of my addictions and I stayed close to completely healthy (as I define it). This is historic for me, I have NEVER had, in my whole life, a convention/work trip or a vacation/friend trip in which I was able to be healthy and Spartan about my health in such a whole-rounded way. For me, bac/AB is the key, for all the reasons I've covered previously in my thread. I know with 100% certainty that- if not for the AB, in particular- I would have drank, and we all know how that would have turned out. I'd have a few hours of artificial fun, yes, but I'd be obnoxious and always distracted searching for the next drink, and the following days would be sick, filled with anxiety, shame, and fear, and so working the convention would be a terrible ordeal. Also, if I'd drank, I definitely would have also smoked and binged on junk food and all the problems that come with that.

I just had coffees and iced teas (and water, protein shakes, salads and other healthy foods) and that ended up being enough to be genuinely happy and truly NOT feel deprived.

At the convention, all weekend, I received many comments of people noticing that I'd lost a lot of weight and look much healthier, some people commenting on it multiple times, and a few people not even recognizing me at first-- they hadn't seen me in over a year, when I was fat, sick, drunk, and hungover. 4 or 5 people said I'd "shrunk", particularly in my face, and a couple people also commented on my physique (one guy called my arms "guns". Haha) Not that I should place too much value in external approval from others, but I'm not going to lie-- after working so hard on my sobriety and health, it was nice to get so much positive feedback. EDIT- I was even happily surprised to find this morning that I'd maintained my rate of slow-and-steady weight loss through the weekend... a very happy surprise!

And man, I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE that I didn't smoke!!! For cigarettes, I don't have as effective a deterrent as AB is for alcohol, but having a PLAN or a distraction was key- and for me, that's the nicotine lozenges- these nicandies were enough to keep me from smoking, as well as managing my stress levels.

Also key to not indulging in any of my addictions was managing my anxiety levels throughout the day. Most important here was adequate food/vitamins and sleep, and supplements such as Seredyn when needed. Twice, I took a half-Xanax when stressed but I was (and am) very mindful not to overuse this.

Overall, the convention and stress/anxiety levels weren't even too hard once I got past some initial anxiety the first day- the second, third, fourth days were actually pretty easy. Part of me would have liked to indulge in both drinking and smoking but of course we all know how that would have turned out. I was able to wake up each morning after a full night's sleep refreshed and ready to kick ass at the show (and I don't mind saying, I did that-- once I got in 'the zone', I was social, outgoing, friendly, jovial, even charismatic... maybe even fearless). It worked out pretty well and I am proud of myself today

An interesting side note that I want to further contemplate- I've really come to see how one specific group of friends, these ones that I had a reunion with at the convention, really trigger my social anxiety. With most other friends, people, and groups, I'm calm and confident (most of the time). But, with a few people in this group, I still often feel on-edge- as if my distorted and limiting self-beliefs of being "not enough" get really triggered. I'm not sure why, since this group is really welcoming and warm for the most part- jovial and supportive. I clearly have them on some kind of distorted view- I have them up on a pedestal of social value- It feels like the "cool kids" that I constantly need to entertain or impress so they'll keep me around. Strange, and something to work on. It's so interesting how we see ourselves on varying degrees in relation to others on the social heirarchy... sometimes those levels of social heirarchy are clear to all, but oftentimes they are created and reinforced in our own minds and are not at all accurate to reality.

Anyway, of course it SUCKS to feel this way around people who I KNOW are good friends. It feels so much better to act in a way that is both calm and confident-- with others, I often do this naturally, but with a few prople/groups, I apparently need to apply conscious effort to maintain this state of mind. I'm grateful though, as in spite of all that I was able to really reinforce bonds and really connect with both this group and many others, and a great time was had by all- I'd even describe it as loving. There truly was a lot of feeling of love and appreciation all around. Maybe it was mostly in my mind due to healthy living becoming increasingly enjoyable for me, but whatever it was, it felt fucking fantastic. I felt like a rock god superhero by the time we were driving home last night- just elated and even almost teary. So overall, a tremendous weekend. There IS hope after alcohol.

In other news, I passed my 5-month-mark AF over the weekend. 150 days. Just one more month to my bigger goal of 180 days (6 months) AF. I haven't been sober or healthy this long since I was 16 years old- over 20 years ago. Crazy...

That's about it for now. Best to all.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Pav, my fellow Sober Aprilist! Thanks for checking in on me, dear friend... I'm back!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

One significant addition to all the happenings I recounted above- at the convention, I made many new contacts and friends and generated a lot of excitement for further friendships and future collaborations. In most cases this was with people new to me but there were also a handful of significant reunions with old acquaintances and collaborators. In a couple cases, these were joyful reunions with old friends from art school-- one of which, serendipitously, is now a high-up person at a publisher I respect, who is actively wanting to work together to bring me in with them on a new project! As I type this I'm really struck by what a gift from the universe this whole experience was. This whole weekend felt like doors of opportunity opening left and right- professional connections, projects, collaborations, friends new and old, bonding, and even love.

I am really reminded of one of my favorite sayings- that, for me, sobriety truly is the well by which all good waters spring.

A couple old friends commented that I was "back from the dead". I assume they meant it as they just hadn't seen me in a long while, but from an addiction recovery sense, they don't have any idea how true that statement actually is.

[kronkcarr]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland,

What a great report. I remember reading your posts when you feared you'd lost your zip and zing with your creative work. You've written such a detailed account of your baclofen journey and your addition of Antabuse may help someone who hasn't thought of that route. 👏👏👏