Skullbaby's Progress

[Pavati]

Skullbaby's Progress

So happy to read this, Skull! What a great weekend you had, and what an inspirational post. With post-game analysis! Glad you're back - sorry I stalked you!

xo
Pav

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

@Kronk- thanks for the comment, buddy. Yep I'm mostly keeping such detailed journals for my own reference-- I tend to have very limited memory span and forget things all the time, so it's good to have detailed notes to come back and refresh my memory. But if this journal helps anyone else, I'm super happy for that too Yes it feels fantastic to finally be awakening creatively again... I'd really feared that part of me long dead. Not so, as it turns out-- I just had to stop drowning it in poison for it to resurface.

@Pav- thanks buddy! Yes it was a great weekend for sure. Thanks for 'stalking' me- it's nice to be checked up on a bit, reminds me that I'm valued

Have a great day everyone!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

I had a few thoughts in an exchange with Spirit over on the Gratitude thread that I thought I'd post here for posterity...

"

spiritwolf333;1644086 wrote: Skull -You beat me to it. I had just read your post on the med thread and I truly did say to myself "I am grateful to read this (skull) post". And I remain grateful to have read your about your "alcohol free" success.

It might be difficult for others who caught up in the hell of alcohol to believe that you were once in the same condition that they are currently in. I believe you and know that you are telling it like it is. What you describe is the ultimate miracle for the creative mind who is not in the chains of alcoholism. Is this close to true?

Thanks Spirit- I'm glad you found some value in my post. As to your other point, yes I sometimes even feel a little twinge of "survivor's guilt" about my recent success in sobriety-- wondering if I should really post such detailed comments about things finally going better, like what if it is painful or difficult for someone still struggling to read, what if it would come off boastful or like I'm lying or trolling or searching for compliments or whatever. Really, I do it because I have a terrible memory and tend to forget important concepts very quickly, and my Progress thread is a good way for me to go back and reference how things were compared to how they are, in a journal, whether they're better or worse.

And speaking of worse, I can certainly assure anyone skeptical that I was ever much of an alcoholic, well I can say that i can only speak for myself- I was (am) mid-stage, surely advancing to late-stage alcoholic, and was losing everything of value in my life. Every single day I was some terrible combination of sick, anxious, depressed, drinking and hungover constantly. I couldn't do anything without horrendous anxiety and fear. I'd lost many friendships and relationships. I'd tarnished my professional reputation. I could barely function in some ways. Even "little things" that chip away at my sense of personal dignity. I couldn't always make it to the bathroom before having accidents. Passing out, blacking out. Erratic and unrecognizable behavior when drunk. Not remembering so much the next day. Alcoholism is truly hell on earth.

Anyway, anyone who is interested in how my situation changed and how it was done should go back and read this journal from the beginning!

A couple things I'd reiterate, though- 1. I certainly don't consider myself "out of the woods". I know that I'm very much still in the danger zone and that if I'm not careful I'll fall right back to where I was.

but

2. There really can be life after alcoholism. Not bullshit, white-knuckling, sober-but-wish-I was drunk life but a truly genuinely enjoyable life. I'm living it now so I speak from experience. In my first few months of sobriety I thought true happiness would never again be found while sober- it all seemed like such a drag- "my life will be forever un-enjoyable from here on out"... but I'm genuinely and truly enjoying sober life now. Not that it's always easy- I have to remain very vigilant, and my long detailed MWO posts are part of that- but when is life ever "always easy"? Life in general is hard a lot of the time, and that's as it should be, because us monkeys don't really learn or grow any other way

Anyways, I'm derailing the thread. Today I am grateful for new chapters in life. I'll leave it at that."

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull -Please Forgive Me

Hi Skull -please forgive me for what I am about to say:

You are the officially the "Poster Punk" for baclofen for alcoholism. You need to draw a cartoon depicting just this "FACT". Will look forward to seeing this.

You see Skull, I have followed your story for many months now. Unless you are a total fraud, and I know that you are not, you truly do display the model recovery person who has taken baclofen as a tool for recovery. In fact, you have taken both baclofen and antabuse with marked success. But Skull, in addition to the medications, you proceeded to move forward with other actions -right?

Before proceeding further Skull, I want to make a few comments regarding what I know about your program:

First - this Antabuse protocol. My initial reaction and thoughts were -no way, no how -not in my life time. Just think, what if I did want to just pick up and drink one or two. After all, baclofen has cured my "desire" to drink more than I want -right?. Skull, bottom line -taking antabuse takes extreme courage and determination. Your story reflects the optimum benefit of choosing your strategy -my opinion.

Second -You accepted and moved through some extreme mental down-low points of anxiety and depression. I might be wrong, but perhaps because you were taking antabuse, you did not choose alcohol to deal with the problems. And actually, because you were also implementing other tools, you did not choose to drink to medicate? And an even greater point to made is the fact that you have not chose to drink during your more successful exuberant times?

Now, Skull, some at this point may think that you are the second coming of a certain man. Thank god you are not -lol. But what you really are is an example of what can happen to person if they are at least willing to take a few certain steps to free themselves from hell.

You are the example of person who recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body using medications, support, and other personal relevant tools. And yes, just like the rest of us, it is an ongoing project. You are not one of the many who post and continue to drink. You don't pretend that you have sunshine flying out of your ass everyday. No, you tend to tell it like it is and there is no more valuable information that can be read by any newcomer wanting to begin an alcohol free life.

This is just my opinion. Thanks for the white board.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull-

Sorry I haven't checked in lately... It's been so busy. As you said being sober opens all kinds of doors and it keeps a gal super busy.
No excuse I really should stop by. I love reading your stuff. I have been feeling out of my sorts and this helped me feel grounded. I have had a couple slips. Once drinking a few then one last Friday getting drunk but not the miserable drunk just wishing I would not have drank but I am wondering if I'm slipping back into old ways or still learning how to deal with my "stuff" and after a while of doing my best I get tired so speak. I don't feel like drinking every night tho. My fitness stuff has become very important to me.
I will write cha more tomorrow I'm tired.

Miss ya.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1644281 wrote: Hi Skull -please forgive me for what I am about to say:

You are the officially the "Poster Punk" for baclofen for alcoholism. You need to draw a cartoon depicting just this "FACT". Will look forward to seeing this.

You see Skull, I have followed your story for many months now. Unless you are a total fraud, and I know that you are not, you truly do display the model recovery person who has taken baclofen as a tool for recovery. In fact, you have taken both baclofen and antabuse with marked success. But Skull, in addition to the medications, you proceeded to move forward with other actions -right?

Before proceeding further Skull, I want to make a few comments regarding what I know about your program:

First - this Antabuse protocol. My initial reaction and thoughts were -no way, no how -not in my life time. Just think, what if I did want to just pick up and drink one or two. After all, baclofen has cured my "desire" to drink more than I want -right?. Skull, bottom line -taking antabuse takes extreme courage and determination. Your story reflects the optimum benefit of choosing your strategy -my opinion.

Second -You accepted and moved through some extreme mental down-low points of anxiety and depression. I might be wrong, but perhaps because you were taking antabuse, you did not choose alcohol to deal with the problems. And actually, because you were also implementing other tools, you did not choose to drink to medicate? And an even greater point to made is the fact that you have not chose to drink during your more successful exuberant times?

Now, Skull, some at this point may think that you are the second coming of a certain man. Thank god you are not -lol. But what you really are is an example of what can happen to person if they are at least willing to take a few certain steps to free themselves from hell.

You are the example of person who recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body using medications, support, and other personal relevant tools. And yes, just like the rest of us, it is an ongoing project. You are not one of the many who post and continue to drink. You don't pretend that you have sunshine flying out of your ass everyday. No, you tend to tell it like it is and there is no more valuable information that can be read by any newcomer wanting to begin an alcohol free life.

This is just my opinion. Thanks for the white board.

Thanks for the thoughts Spirit- I wanted to respond to these with the multi-quote function but I don't understand how to do it...

Yes, I definitely have found some success with my protocol of a baclofen/antabuse combo. As any readers of my thread know, it was/is a targeted approach to try to maximize my chances of beating the hell of addiction. I found when I took Antabuse alone, it didn't address the physical cravings which built up and led me to eventually ditch the Antabuse and drink again. Then, when I took Baclofen alone, I found that even though my physical cravings became faded (which was a godsend), I was still often compelled to drink by mental habits, such as "what a beautiful afternoon, it'd be better with some beer" or to manage social anxiety, like "this party will be much more fun if I drink like everyone else is".

I'm also genuinely happy to remind you, Spirit, that I have you to thank, in part, for commencing with my bac/ab combo method, at least in a roundabout way. You gave advice to me early on that the baclofen works best if one gives it some time sober in which to take hold and do its work, unhindered by drinking. Encouraged by this, and sick and tired of the constant cycle of drinking, I decided to commit to 30 days AF. At that point I had already been on baclofen, but knew I needed extra "insurance" to keep myself from drinking due to my mental habits, so I decided to add the Antabuse for 30 days.

Knowing well the repercusions of drinking while on Antabuse kept me on the straight and narrow, as I'm deathly afraid of drinking while on it.

I also knew that my 30 day protocol would force me to be sober through Thanksgiving and Christmas, which I truthfully dreaded a bit, but I just thought to myself "I'm going to have to learn how to do holidays etc sober SOMEtime, might as well get it over with". So I did. I made the commitment to do so. And again, the Antabuse is a form of solidifying that commitment.

Well, 30 days turned to 60, which turned to 90, and onwards. I just passed 150.

I'm glad you mentioned not drinking during the low moment as well as the exuberant. Previously, I'd often drink to supress social anxiety and feel more comfortable, but even MORE often I would drink to "get happy", "celebrate", just "let loose and have fun". Often times when I was in a good mood, happy, excited, exuberant, the first thing I'd do is "super-charge" this feeling by drinking. I just enjoyed it so much. Interestingly enough, even though I enjoyed this aspect of drinking, my GF did not like it. She found my exuberant drinking self to be artificial and obnoxious. A little phony. Anyway, with my bac/AB protocol in place, drinking like this was no longer an option. For a long while, I felt less exuberant and fun, but this passed after a couple months, and I came alive more naturally. Nowadays my exuberance feels more real, more alive, and definitely more enjoyable.

You are right when you mention the dark, difficult days and nights I had-- and I had MANY. Especially during the early weeks- the first month or two. Also around events such as holidays or social events where I was tempted to drink (but could not). Sometimes, my GF and I thought that these dark, depressed or irritated moods were SE's of baclofen, but I attribute it much more to the growing pains of learning how to live life without alcohol as a coping mechanism. I had to find other ways to "take the edge off". More often than not, there WAS no alternative to take the edge off. I just had to sit there on the edge and learn to deal with it, that it won't kill me, it's OK, and it'll fade in time. I had a lot of nights of just checking out on the couch with TV and going to bed early. I usually felt better in the morning. As a side note, I still have them occasionally, just not nearly as often. Yep, the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows, life is often hard- but these days I feel happy more often than not.

I'm reminded of a saying from the fitness community that I've changed to reflect recovery- "Life as a sober person is hard. Life as an alcoholic is hard. Pick your "hard"."

In regards to other tools besides meds- yes, you're right, I utilize many-- many of which I consider almost as important as the meds protocol. They include good nutrition, regular exercise, proper sleep, staying connected with support group (MWO), reconnecting with art community, and fostering creative/artistic expression. I've only been successful with these to varying degrees- some days are good, some less so, but it's ususally 3 steps forward, 1 step back, etc. Or just baby steps. All of them I've found to be super super important. I've had to do a lot of reading and learning on the subjects. Tons of blogs, books, and podcasts. Getting healthy has almost been a full time job- I've had to get really focused but it's been well worth it. There are many still that I have yet to add- yoga, meditation, martial arts, and psychiatrist/therapist are all things I'm looking forward to adding this year.

As for not thinking I am a fraud, well, I'm glad to hear that! If anyone thinks that I am, well I don't know what to say to convince them otherwise (and what anyone thinks of me is really not my concern, anyhow). I'll just say that I definitely have better things to do with my time than spend hours making up long, detailed lies about how terrible my life was. I've shared the realities of my hellish addiction with detail and honesty, mostly to keep myself transparent and accountable as possible-- partly because I found that hiding truths, even just from myself, never led to anything good or productive anyway.

Interestingly, a more recent manifestation of this concept I've noticed-- I've become pretty unashamed of admitting my addiction (and my recent successes combating it) with people in life. I've been talking about it matter-of-factly and confidently. I think that now, more than ever, I embrace all parts of myself warts and all- my alcoholism being easily my biggest "wart". LOL.

I suppose this isn't too surprising- I've always found it refreshing and even inspiring when public figures, for instance, talk "real" about their struggles and how they left alcohol behind. People like Anthony Hopkins, Craig Ferguson, Kristin Davis, Robert Downey Jr., etc. When people in the public eye talk about it without shame, it's dawned on me that "oh shit, maybe I can one day talk about my own shit without shame too". It made me feel not so alone.

Anyways, I'm way past hiding it. I'm sure all my family and friends knew I was an alcoholic long before I admitted it to myself anyway, so I might as well rock it honestly. Put that shit out on Front Street, shine a light on it for all the world to see-- at least that's coming from a place of honesty and being unashamed. I'm not trying to say I'm cool or strong (no sunshine coming out my ass, LOL) or whatever- I'm just so through with shame.

Sheesh, another novel-sized post by Skullbaby. I seem incapable of writing short answers. LOL

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

bkyogagurl;1644480 wrote: Skull-

Sorry I haven't checked in lately... It's been so busy. As you said being sober opens all kinds of doors and it keeps a gal super busy.
No excuse I really should stop by. I love reading your stuff. I have been feeling out of my sorts and this helped me feel grounded. I have had a couple slips. Once drinking a few then one last Friday getting drunk but not the miserable drunk just wishing I would not have drank but I am wondering if I'm slipping back into old ways or still learning how to deal with my "stuff" and after a while of doing my best I get tired so speak. I don't feel like drinking every night tho. My fitness stuff has become very important to me.
I will write cha more tomorrow I'm tired.

Miss ya.

Hey there buddy, glad to hear from ya, I figured you've been off getting yourself all fit and healthy! I've been placing a lot of importance on that goal for myself too, it definitely does require a lot of time, energy, and focus.

Glad that you're finding some value in my posts. For me these long-ass posts have become like some kind of "talk therapy".

Let us know more about how things are going, OK? Please be good to yourself and continue to protect your quit.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

:hiya:

Skull- I just wanted to stop by and say I do care! You are like my best MWO buddy.
I'm excited that you are doing 12 weeks with your trainer. I am doing the same thing.
We can compare notes. Be fun.

So proud of you for making it threw the thoughts at breaking 180... Totally Inspiring!
:l

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

I'm back I had a nasty weekend of allergies, skin hives BOOOO. I had to take a ton of Benadryl which made me drowsy, foggy... so I spent most of the weekend miserable on the couch. Grrrr.

Thanks for posting on my thread, buddy! Nice to get that on such a slow MWO period. My twelve weeks with the trainer officially begin today. And yes, it'd be fun to compare notes with you!

Today's Day 172. Getting close to 180. Half a year with no alcohol... crazy.

And, good news on the quitting smoking, I passed 90 days of no cigs, so I think this one's gonna stick! I'm going to get healthy if it kills me.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Sorry to hear you weren't feeling well. I used to get hives.. They super suck.
Exciting to start with your trainer.. Let me know how things go...

Skull- I gotta quit drinking Buddie. I drank again yesterday. I gotta stop this. There was no dramatics or anything... I just don't want to drink any more. And I keep doing it. I took my Nal but I am not convinced it is working for me. I drank over 10 light beers.. Not unusually for me.
I emailed an addiction counselor to see if I get in to see her this week. There is a sisters in soberiety meeting tonight I am thinking about attending.

I wish I could have days and months of sobriety. I wish.

Have a good one I will be doing the usual recovering today.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Yep, for me it's hives to. Fuckin SUUUUCKS. They stay now for up to 5 days and I'm miserable. ANd I have no idea what triggers them, but I'm doing some work with an allergist/dermatoligst and we'll see if I can get some answers.

Obviously, I can sympathize with the cycle of drinking, BK-- for soooo long I stayed in the cycle of drinking against my own will. For me it was always 10+beers too. For me it took baclofen and Antabuse to finally get me out of it. I know you were considering Antabuse at one point, is that still an option for you? I know I'm not the only one here on MWO who's gotten off the alcohol hellride using it.

You CAN have days and months of sobriety, but most likely not using willpower. Willpower alone never worked for me. Willpower is very finite in all of us, scientific studies have shown that time and time again. But putting deliberate SYSTEMS in place is what enables many people to achieve their goals. For me, that system is bac and antabuse.

Take care of yourself my friend!

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Couple of things... Maybe it's a bush or flower that is blooming outside...maybe near a window you keep open... It seems when I ate a lot of citrus or acidic foods it affected me..
And totally hate to mention this but pharmacuetical stuff tends to affect me adversely. Just some things to think about. I'm not suggesting you quit taking anything I'm just saying sometimes it does weird things to me. Hence why I have been scared of bac.

I can tell you this Natrexone works me over. After I take it even with a meal it makes me nauseous and sometimes I think I drink extra to get rid of it. Then the after effects suck too...
I can't eat hardly anything for 3-4 days after being on it. I know that seems like a dream but it screws me up physically. If I don't take it I can eat a shit ton after drinking... I am forcing myself to eat my meal plan today to try and get back on track.

You would think with all the shit I go thru with drinking and trying to fight it... I would raise the fucking white flag:truce: I think I am almost there...
I have an appointment with an alcohol counselor on Friday who specializing in women so we will see how that goes... And if I can't get it straight this time... I do believe my next step will be antibuse.

I just wish I could go au la natural and get any and all shit out of my system for good.

Man... I had to get shots for my hives... I think it was some sort of steroid shot. I sure hope you feel better.
Thanks for always putting up with me...

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Yeah, as far as the hives go, I thought it was linked to ibuprofen or acetomenohpen, but they came back for some other reason yet to be determined. I'm waiting to hear back on allergy/blood tests, and yep they also have me on pill cortisone steroids for 8 days which help the hives but make my heart race at night and I don't get good sleep. GRRRRR. I'ts always SOMETHING for me to complain about! Oh well I'm good overall.

I understand about wanting to do it au naturale, quitting drinking that is. I wish I could have done it that way, I just proved to myself too many times that I couldn't. Einstein said "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". That's what I did so many times that I had to try something else.

Sounds like the Nal is rough for you with the cycle of drinking on it-- I did Nal and drinking for a while too and did find it helped some, though the nausea was definitely tough. I hope you had a good meeting on Friday, how'd it go, any updates?

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hey Buddie-

Been thinking about you. I'm sorry you are dealing with the hives still.
I hope you found some reprieve.
Maybe you will be comforted to know that misery loves company so I will join you.
I have been having some GI issues and have miserable today I have been eating and drinking a lot of protein so I don't know...
but I didn't drink to help the pain. I am just sitting here farting and wishing it would go away...

I did have a good meeting and will probably go to the group she hosts but plan to see her in 2 weeks. I felt a connection. ... I think.

I don't feel like drinking. Ta dah for now. So glad to be waking up sober tomorrow.
Thanks for being around I know it can be annoying talking to someone about the same ole shit... But thanks anywAy.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- May 5th 2014. Day 186 AF, Day 373 on bac, currently at 80mg/day and AB at 125 mg/day.

Well, been a while since I've updated this thread. I meant to at my 180 days (6 months sober) and at my 365 days of being on baclofen. But instead I just kept on living life and checking in on the monthly sober threads etc.

So, I've been on baclofen for 1 year and for 6 months of that year I've been AF. I'm a completely different person than I was a year ago. It's been hard work and there are things I still don't like and need to work on but mostly I'm really happy with who I've become. I've wrote much about this in the past so I'll keep it brief but here's the highlights-

- no hangovers/lost days due to sickness
- much less anxiety
- little to no depression
- little to no oafish/embarassing/cringeworthy behavior to agonize over
- good health- normal blood pressure, blood labs
- good nutrition- aside from the occasional cheat day (ie, sugar binge weekend), I eat super clean and healthy foods.
- good exercise- almost without fail, workouts 3x week.
- quit smoking close to 4 months ago. Still chewing nicotine lozenges, though (this is one of my next things to eliminate).
- getting my financial life in order- do monthly budgeting, getting out of debt, making more sound financial decisions and setting goals.
- when I started a year ago, I was around 215 lbs.- fat, and weak. Now I'm 185 lbs and siginifcantly stronger from workouts, so that means I've lost 30 lbs. of fat.
- much more self-confident
- and the best part, I am enthused, excited, and engaged in my art. I've found motivation to create again.

Over the weekend, my GF had booked a suprise getaway weekend with friends. It was a surprise because we'd forgot all about commiting to it, so it snuck up on us. So all of a sudden it was like, oh ok I guess we're going to party at a beachside cabin for 3 days. I was pretty anxious and didn't want to go but my GF really wants to get more engaged with the outside world so I didn't push it.

We went, it was a mostly pretty fun time. Everyone drank but me, as expected. No other alkies in the group though, they all drank more or less controlled. Also as usual, I am sure I would have drank if not for my Antabuse. My bac/ab protocol kept me on the right path once again.

I do need to keep my social skills better practiced though, so it was good to go. I've been pretty isolated the last year and it's time to re-engage with the outside world. I've also moved out of my old studio, the cold, isolated, basement cement room, in favor of a bustling, busy, social artist co-op. I'm happy about that and it should be much better for me.

Goals for the next 6 months-

1. taper down/eliminate nicotine lozenges, become completely nicotine-free
2. taper down to maintenance dose of baclofen- going to see how things are at 60mg
3. try to eliminate sugar binges/craving alltogether- this has become a really difficult one and the binges are epic. I might as well be Homer Simpson when this happens. A bottomless pit of junk food... really want to work on this.
4. *maybe* try out a night of drinking. Not sure about this though- I may just stay AF. If I do, I will do so with Naltrexone. I'll give this more thought.
5. become better about keeping connected with friends, make more attempts to see them.

Well, that about wraps it up for me. Much thanks to all my MWO friends who encourage and support me, I couldn't have done any of this without you... I wouldn't have even HEARD of baclofen if not for MWO, and all the support and advice has been invaluable. I am SO grateful.

Best to all.