Skullbaby's Progress

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

JDizzle;1516177 wrote: Skull, I had problems at low doses remembering to take mine too. I got a pill container and kept it where I knew I would see it. For me it was by my cigarettes.... Keys, toothbrush, whatever works. I would take my morning ones and fill the container with the rest of the day. I still do that because a lot of times I will forget if I took a dose or not. I have three throughout the day.

JDizz- Yup, I have a 2-dose per day pill box right next to my keyboard since I'm at my computer virtually all day. So far, haven't missed any doses except for when I'm away at a weekend convention, and I forget to take my afternoon dose cuz of the chaos of the show floor...

I'm dosing twice a day, btw. morning dose (anywhere from 9 am to noon) and afternoon dose (4 pm ish). My thinking behind this is that I don't want to dose too close to bedtime since my main SE is sleep- insomnia/breath thing.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update-

Drank heavy on Wednesday evening. Had already taken both bac doses (40 mg total). my GF was having a girls night out so I decided to drink a "few". Took my NAL (still 25 mg dose) then had two beers an hour later. I drank them pretty slow, and not in an "addict" kinda way. Just slow and mellow, not quick and jonesing for the next.

GF came home and said she was going to walk to the store to get wine, and my drunken voice thought "aha, let's go with her and get more beer". So we did. She expressed some worry that she'd triggered me and I told her "darling EVERYTHING triggers me, and I have to own that... I make my own choices".

So, got a 6 pack of IPA. Drank em fast. GF was alseep by the time I'd finished my beers. I finished off a quarter-bottle of bourbon we had. So, a total of 6 beers and about 4 bourbons. Went to bed at 3 am.

The only thing that kept me from the worst hangover was the fact that I've newly adopted a habit of drinking a big full pint of water between each beer. It keeps me somewhat more hydrated (and peeing constantly, but oh well). Still, I was hungover the next day. Felt low, depressed, couldn't work. Like so many other hangover days before, spent the day on the couch watching TV and feeling like a loser.

That night I did what's become my new sleep protocol- 10 mg melatonin and 2 big tablespoons of raw honey. And hour or two later, get in bed and read MWO til I'm drowsy. Then, a 50 mg benadryl and I'm knocked out. I woke up approx 3 different times throughout the night with the annoying gasping for breath thing... just laid there focusing on the in-out of breathing, in sort of a meditative way, til I got back to sleep.

Today at 40 mg bac, and trying for AF free. All I can do is move forward and take the damn pills, and hope for the best...

[joanna_d]

Skullbaby's Progress

hi again skullbaby!
a quicky, as i'm about to fly to my studio.
please take care while doing targeted antabuse. maybe you're already aware of this, i don't mean to lecture you, but antabuse has a long half life. it takes quite a while to leave your system and if you drink before it's gone, that'll mean liver damage.
like Stuck said: milk thistle. and vitamin B1 (Thiamine). and water (also: boiled water with squeezed - or how do you say that in english?? - lemon. very good for detoxing).

just take real good care of yourself. right now sometimes everything may suck (drinking, not drinking, and everything in between), but most likely you're on the way out. so while at it, mind yourself and give yourself all the space and care possible.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi Joanna... Thanks much for the caring reminder about antabuse and liver. I definitely know that Antabuse carries with it a long half life. MD's and pharmacists both tell me that I need to double the time before returning to drinking- so, if I take 5 days of antabuse to remain completely sober on those days, I also need to add another 5 days on top of that before I can safely drink.
Being the safety conscious (or paranoid) person I am, I'll also add another few days to that total just to make sure I don't experience that terrible reaction (or worse, such as liver damage... or death. That would suck).
A couple times, last year, when taking Antabuse to help curb drinking, I returned to drinking too soon after antabuse, and experienced the horrible flushing/short breathing etc. It was really uncomfortable and this time I will be extra careful.
I'll look into the milk thistle and other stuff you mentioned. Thanks again Joanna

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update-

Did OK over the weekend. I wanted to drink Friday night but (with some struggle) remained AF free, mostly because I had a Saturday morning gym training session that I knew I couldn't reschedule or be hungover for. So, in that respect, the training is keeping me on track a little bit.

Saturday, had a good session lifting weights then came home, talked to an old friend for an hour on the phone, then decided to drink. Went up to 50 mg NAL, waited an hour, then got a six pack and a 22 ounce (so just under 8 beers total). The Nal makes it easier to drink more controlled, though I still enjoyed the beer and the light buzz. Drank the 8 beers relatively fast, though with a full pint of water in between each beer.

My other strategy to help control drinking sessions is making myself sleepy at a particular time of night-- otherwise I tend to just keep buying more beer and staying up all night long. So, about 3 beers in (around 8 or 9 pm) I take my first 10mg melatonin. By the time I'm on the 5th beer, starting to get a little drowsy. I take a 50 mg benadryl. By the time I'm on the last beer, I'm drowsy as hell and just want to sleep. When I get to bed, if there's any last minute resistance ("maybe I'll stay up and get more beer") then I take one last 50 mg benadryl and I'm out by 1 am.

This way, I'm fairly hydrated due to all the water, fairly well rested due to knocking myself out, and somewhat controlled when actually drinking (well, comparitively speaking to how I was before) due to my bac/nal regimen.

Of course, I have to pee every 20 minutes, but that's better than the alternative.

I was able to get up at 9 am to clean up, get coffee, and prepare for an online workshop at 10 am... which was great-- I'm so glad I was able to attend it and enjoy it.

So, all in all, a reasonably well controlled weekend... small victories, and all that.

I'm going to be in Seattle on business next week, and will be seeing all my old drinking buddies. My goal for that is to be as comfortable with bac/nal SE's and drinking as controlled as possible. I want to be AF free for the weekdays that I'll be in office, and controlled drinking on the weekend. My old buddies are throwing a BBQ for the old gang, I'll be seeing everyone there, everyone will be drinking and I'll be no exception... but I'll be doing so as controlled as possible with the bac/nal regimen.

Today I go up to 50 mg bac. Still a very very small dose, I know, but slow titration is what feels best to me. Going to stay on 50 mg for 6 days. Tonight, going to drink beers with nal and shoot for just 2 beers. We'll see how that goes, I think I can do it if I really try hard.

[JDizzle]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hang in there Skull. For me, 60 mg was like taking tic tacs. I effed up so bad constantly on 60. One thing I was really bad at was skipping doses because I was too messed up. Before my 120 changed me, I would have to force feed them to myself when I got drunk. Just make sure and take them. It will happen. You may even get drunk after it happens, but you will notice your mindset is different when you get drunk.

[Colin]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1518022 wrote:
So, all in all, a reasonably well controlled weekend... small victories, and all that.

Excellent; especially drinking pints of water between beers. I would describe it as very well controlled.

[YouKayBee]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skullbaby, if you can get to 50mg, stay there for long enough you'll give yourself the best chance of getting the cravings from the TSM angle, but you do need to make sure you never drink without it. I either won't drink if I haven't had it, or make sure I get home to get some. I've even pulled over in the car on the way to or from places to (a) make sure I've got some in the boot/trunk and in some cases (b) take it because I know we'll be having wine as soon as I get home. I believe this is one part of my continued success, I've seen the rats re-addiction graph and not prepared to go back there!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks all for the responses. Before I update below, some responses to your posts:

JDizzle- yeah, I hear you. I'm on 70 mg now (broken up into two doses of 40 in morning and 30 in mid afternoon- none at night because of the insomnia problem) and I've got an am/pm pill box that I load up to keep track. Been working pretty good so far, I don't believe I've missed any doses. I understand that you've recently had some setbacks with SE's... good luck man and keep continuing with the protocol-- I've got to believe that it gets better.

Colin- Thanks! I was feeling the same, and don't mind saying that I was pretty happy with myself about that.

UKBlonde- Yup, I've been taking 50 mg NAL every time I drink- haven't missed except for once {edit-actually twice} (details in my update below). It really helps slow the train enough for me to make the choice to deboard if I so choose.

Thanks all!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Been a while since I'd updated! Here's what's happening these days.

Been very slowly titrating, and am now up to 70 mg day, which I know is still tiny by most standards. I am seeing some encouraging progress though, which makes me hopeful that I may hit my switch sometime soon-ish... and well, even if not, I'll just keep taking the pills and all.

Last week, I was doing pretty well in drinking moderately or at least drinking slightly less than usual. Usually around 7 or 8 beers and then I lose interest and just want to eat or go to bed.

Then, I had to fly to Seattle for work, to work in-office (I usually work remotely from home). I was to be there for 3 days, then a couple weekend days to see old buddies, many of them old drinking buddies. Though I was armed with my antabuse, my recent successes moderating led me to decide that I'd try to do that under these circumstances.

So, Tuesday: flew in to Seattle, got in around 11 pm, really wanted "one beer" at the hotel bar as flying makes me cranky. I was on 60mg bac at this point. I also took my 50 mg Nal as always, and ended up having two beers, and was then able to call it a night-- asleep by midnight.

Wednesday: Up at 8 am fresh. Got to work by 9 am. Had a big day of meeting all the people on my project that I hadn't met previously, which was most of them. Big day. Went out with a close friend after work- 50 mg Nal, then 4 or 5 beers at my favorite dive bar, then back to hotel for 3 or 4 more beers and dinner. So, was at most 9 beers- not great for me, but could have been worse.

Thursday- slight to moderate hangover. Up at 9, in to work by 10 am- historically speaking, a success for me. Moderate anxiety as we were having a big lunch together with the whole team. I asked my manager if we could postpone for the next day and was told no, too many plans already in motion. I'd look like an ass if I pressed the issue so had to just "man up" and put on a smile and get through the lunch. A couple people ordered beers at lunch and so did I- had 2 at lunch, and then able to quit without too much craving. I'd not taken Nal for this, cuz I didn't expect to be drinking at lunch.

Got back to the office, able to work for a few more hours. Then, out to meet old friends at a bar. This time, Nal then 5 beers. Then dinner and another 4 beers. So, a total of 11 beers- on the higher side for me. Not a great night units wise, but I was in bed at hotel by 1 am- a small success for me.

Friday- moderate hangover. Luckily, just had to work that day with no meetings or social engagements to speak of. Up at 9 am, office by 10 am. Worked through day. Needed an AF night, so spent Friday night at hotel alone reading... ahhhhh it was nice. In bed by 1 am.

Saturday- day of the big social gathering. Woke up late, hung out with buddies, then 50 mg Nal and one half a xanax since I was feeling particularly socially anxious.

Once I got to the party at 5 pm, feeling OK. Had about 10 beers and a bunch of food over the course of about 6 hours. Then 3 more beers at hotel before bed. Asleep by 2 am. Like a couple of the previous nights, I have to admit I wasn't great at moderating. Really, was hardly putting in any effort to moderate.

Sunday- significantly hungover and feeling sick from too many binging nights. Looking forward to racking up some AF days. Also noticed some slight twinges of pain from my belly- slightly left of my belly button. Got freaked out that it was my liver, but a google search showed me that the liver is in a different location. Not sure what's up with that...

So, Sunday my dumb hungover ass went and watched Man of Steel with friends. Feeling better after. Flew home Sunday night.

Monday- So happy to be home and feeling pretty good. Bumped Baclofen up to 70 mg. An old friend from out of town texted me last minute that she was in town. Went to dinner with her and a couple of her friends. They were sharing a pitcher of margaritas, and I had 1.5 glasses with them. No Nal But was able to quit after the 1.5 margaritas without craving more.

Tuesday, feeling good. AF free. Bit of trouble sleeping, as is usually the case when I titrate up.

Wednesday, feeling good, AF free and wanting to continue so. Bit of trouble sleeping but got about 7 hours, not bad.

Thursday morning (today) feeling good. Got 9 hours sleep from doubling up benadryl.

So, plan going forward: Got a family gathering this weekend. Most of my family will be in town and we're getting a cabin on the lake for the weekend. It's in honor of my grandparents last wishes, and we'll be spreading their ashes. So, an emotional weekend to be sure.

I've considered doing antabuse this weekend just to take the choice to drink away completely. But, there's a side that really wants to be able to drink and hopefully moderate. I have family members that will want to have beers and make toasts in honor of our grandparents and a strong part of me really doesn't want to "miss" that. Haha what a drunkass I am...

My plan as it stands now is to moderate with bac and Nal, and utilize more conscious effort to moderate than I was able to last week in Seattle. I actually feel pretty confident that I can do that.

I'll keep ya'all posted on how it goes. Best to all.
Skullbaby

[Samandkatharine]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi Skullbaby

I eben reading your thread and I want to congratulate you on your AF days! I've been taking Bac for 6 days and am going up to 40mg today- I know, it's a slow but steady increase for me. I too am having SE, mainly being a space cadet during the day and weird and sometimes depressing dreams at night.

Keep updating. I live vicariously thru others good stories.

Mary Ann

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Samandkatharine;1524817 wrote: I eben reading your thread and I want to congratulate you on your AF days! I've been taking Bac for 6 days and am going up to 40mg today- I know, it's a slow but steady increase for me. I too am having SE, mainly being a space cadet during the day and weird and sometimes depressing dreams at night.

Keep updating. I live vicariously thru others good stories.

Mary Ann

Thanks for the post, Mary Ann! My thread has been quiet of late so I'm glad to get your comment, and glad to hear that you're on the bac train. How's it been going for you so far? Do you have a progress thread? Sounds like you're titrating slowly just like I am... Hope things are progressing well for you.

My update-

Well, family reunion weekend has come and gone. I have to admit I haven't been doing very well. I was able to moderate just a little, though I would have preferred much more... but at least I wasn't blackout drunk at 6 am like usual.

Thursday-
In anticipation of my weekend moderating, the addict voice in my head convinced me to binge that night to "get it out of my system" (laughable excuse I know). Was on 60 mg bac at this point. Did 50 mg NAL, waited only 30 min (not long enough, I should have waited a full 60 min at minimum) then beers. Mom, brother, sis in law came over to meet our new puppy and they all had a couple drinks. I had (I think) 8 or 9 beers over the night, with big pints of water inbetween each. Asleep around 2 am. A fun night with family, but not a great night units wise or motivation wise.

Friday- hung over. Slept in til noon, not able to do much during the day. Feeling like a loser. AF free tonight (just like most hangover days tend to be).

Saturday- Up fairly early, making up for yesterday by getting stuff done. Got together with family, errands and stuff then drove up to the cabin. Feeling pretty anxious as I often do with social gatherings, even with my family. No shortage of beer at the cabin... Did .5 pill xanax, then 50 mg Nal and then drank about 7-8 drinks, not much water. As the next morning we all had to be up by 8 am to hike up to the river where we were to spread my grandparents ashes, luckily my girlfriend had agreed to remind me to moderate this night (I told her between the bac and the nal, I "should" be able to "hear" her reminder). Luckily, this was the case- I heard her reminder, took my sleep aid, and I was in bed by just after midnight.

Sunday- the big day. Feeling extremely anxious today and not entirely comfortable with everyone there. Took a full xanax to try to ease my anxiety. Up and off to the hike at 8:45 am. Feeling better by this point. After some heartfelt words, we all took time to spread our grandparent's ashes in the river by Grand Lake, which was their last wishes.
A somber day but some laughs and good thoughts too.

Back at the lodge- big breakfast, then big nap. The emotion of the day, the alcohol the night before, the mild hangover/dehydration, the high altitude (all combined with the xanax to be sure) really zapped my energy. Crashed for about 4 hours then got up for dinner. Everyone started drinking again and I tried to "perk up" with a beer but it made me sick, so I gave up. Very quiet today as others around me had fun. Bed by 11 pm.

Monday- Glad to have been AF yesterday- no hangover but still feeling the altitude, the sleepiness and quietness... some somnolence and feeling "grey" or "flat" emotionally speaking. A bit dead to feelings of joy.

Accompanied brother, sis in law, girlfriend, and puppy to drive all over Trail Ridge Road. Majestic and breathtaking views... but still feel "hollow". Lunch at the famous Stanley Hotel in Estes Park (inspiration for Stephen King's "The Shining"). Others had beer with lunch, I wasn't wanting any. Later afternoon drove to a bar that my cousin owns in Boulder. Finally started having beer. Had 4 beers in the time others had 2. Minor spat between girlfriend and cousins brought on anxiety but whatever. Said our goodbyes and drove home. Since I'd already downed 4 beers, I went and got more beer anticipating a binge night. Luckily more beer made me feel sick and gross and I just didn't want it. I attribute this to all the changes in altitude. Anyway, had good food and bed by 11 pm.

Tuesday, today- Wishing I'd done better over the weekend but now I'm feeling better and looking forward to some AF time. Not craving beer today. I'm planning on settling in for some art project time tonight and tomorrow. Then Thursday is Independance Day, and my family will be drinking again... honestly sometimes I just want all these events to just stop so I can put my head down and focus on AF time without distraction... but, life rarely gives us what we want, and we all must navigate life's events as best we can.

That said, I'm considering employing the antabuse for the 4th. I didn't do well with family over the weekend so maybe antabuse will "force" me to be better this week... Still thinking it over. Any thoughts appreciated!

If you've made it this far into such a long post, thanks much for reading...

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Forgot to mention about bac. Definitely still having that terrible gasping-breath when trying to sleep thing, which makes sleeping difficult. It SUUUUCKS. Also, and unsurprisingly, it was noticeably worse at the high altitudes up at Grand Lake, and also unsurprisingly, worse when I'd smoked and drank the night before.

Anyway, today I've added another 10 mg bac so this whole week I'll be at 80 mg- finally starting to get into the ball park of "normal" dosage. I'd love it if I was one of those lucky few like Kronkcarr who finds their switch around 80 mg or thereabouts... we'll see how it goes.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi Skull -good, informative post. Sounds like you are making some progress. I can only comment from the AF state -92 days now (only as a reference). The breathing problem you mention -for me- went away after about 7 to 8 days. I can not imagine the problems that I may have had if I had been drinking (my wife accused me of dying during my sleep when I was alcohol only -lol). As I recall for me, after three weeks of alcohol free and baclofen, my alcohol brain gave up the fight and my thought cycles to turned to other endeavors. As we all know, baclofen works differently for each of us; I am at 220 mg now and titrating back down to 180 mg. Anyway, glad you keep on trying and glade to see some of your other posts.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Spirit- Thanks for the comments! Very glad to hear that the breathing problem went away for you. I am sure hoping for the same- and I know my chances will be much better for that to happen if I can maintain an AF streak...
Thanks for posting about your experiences and I'm really glad you're responding to the bac and sobriety so well