Skullbaby's Progress

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

jane27;1662885 wrote: Skull, first of all congrats on 200 days! That is such a solid chunk of time, and I hope you feel proud. Thanks for sharing about feeling weird around people. At times I have the same problem. I have a pretty small immediate social circle and when things get out of whack with more than one person it throws my whole sense of balance off.

I've found MWO to be extremely helpful in providing me with an arena to experiment with being myself. I still try and people please...I think it's normal to seek approval & acceptance, and the easiest way to make that happen is by assimilating. At least a hand full of times I've felt that I put someone off by something I said; and it's been weird for a time afterwards, but in most all cases, I've been forgiven and it's been forgotten. That has been a huge confidence builder with regard to having the guts not to hold my breath all the time. And it makes me feel good that I've shown my skin. Trying to manipulate people is so tiring, and I always end up feeling like I'm on borrowed time. Anyway, really enjoyed your post, and am thrilled. & inspired by your 200 day achievement.

Thanks so much Jane for the encouragement-- sounds like you really understand where I'm coming from, and you put it all perfectly-- "the guts to not hold my breath all the time" really resonated with me. Yes it can be exhausting, and so needless, isn't it?? I'm working on it.

Thanks again for the sweet words on my 200 days... now that you mention it, i DO feel kinda proud of myself

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Skullbaby's Progress

Morning, Skull. I stopped by to see what inspiring things you have been up to recently. I wasn't disappointed!

skullbabyland;1662036 wrote: Lately I've been plagued with obsessive thoughts of fear and insecurity, about not being "enough" and everyone secretly dislikes me, I have to act this way or that way so people will accept me, etc etc. It's been really tiresome and annoying. I'm putting other people above me, up on a pedestal of social heirarchy and feeling like I don't measure up. Super annoying.

This happens to me now, too. It's very frustrating. But for me, it was much worse when I was drinking. I had this big part of my life I needed to keep secret, and that left gaping holes in what I could share. Plus, I always felt less-than, simply because I knew I was living a less-than-full life. Wow. Makes me sad to think about that.

Nothing like a huge secret to make every social interaction a huge burden.

[Pavati]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi, Skull (and everyone):

I, too, am/was/am/was a pleaser. I, too, am much better now that I'm sober. I started working on it a while ago, though. The key was accepting the fact that I couldn't control other peoples' thoughts and actions. I think my in-laws wanted me to be something I'm not, for example, and as much as I tried to be the best me possible, I realized I couldn't be who they wanted me to be. I think they like (even love) me, but I also think I disappoint them because I have a life other than them, so they think I don't care about family. I used to worry, obsess over it (and others who I couldn't get to be enamored of my wily charms), but now I accept that the only thing I can do is be the best me - that included spending time with them, but also includes my job, my friends, my side of the family. When I get an email criticizing me, instead of freaking out, I just chalk it up to them and move on. So very freeing.

Of course, it isn't perfect. I still obsess. But it is much better without drinking muddling up the works. I didn't think I really had a confidence problem until I quit drinking and realized that I really did. Being sober has helped me be a better, more complete person in other aspects of my life as well.

I know even here, especially at the beginning, I used to hang on the words of everyone, and wonder who would reply to my posts. It was very hard for me when I would pour my soul into a post only to have it ignored or skipped over - I took it personally. Now I accept that we're all on this journey to get sober and doing the best we can. Sometimes my heartfelt post gets skipped over, and sometimes I skip over someone else's. Not because I don't care, but because that's just the way it happens.

Blah, blah, blah. I could go on forever with this topic, but I'll spare you the details...

I love reading your thoughtful insights. Thanks for sharing them!

xo
Pav

[Molly78]

Skullbaby's Progress

I can identify with being a "people pleaser", Pavati! You sound like a perfectionist, too - not a bad thing, but a characteristic which I think predisposes to alcoholism.

Are you on baclofen? I find it does have anxiolytic properties, & is mildly sedative once you are on a maintenance dose & have got over the falling asleep SE.

Molly

[StuckinLA]

Skullbaby's Progress

I found baclofen to be remarkably anxiolytic up to 150mg/day. (I was abstinent for a period of about 2 months at the time I got to 150.)

And Skull, holy crap man, 200 days? ! Congrats my friend!

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull-

Just wanted to check in as you are so sweet to always check in on me...

Hope you are doing fabulous with all your hulk stuff.

Miss ya

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Pavati;1664254 wrote: Hi, Skull (and everyone):

I, too, am/was/am/was a pleaser. I, too, am much better now that I'm sober. I started working on it a while ago, though. The key was accepting the fact that I couldn't control other peoples' thoughts and actions. I think my in-laws wanted me to be something I'm not, for example, and as much as I tried to be the best me possible, I realized I couldn't be who they wanted me to be. I think they like (even love) me, but I also think I disappoint them because I have a life other than them, so they think I don't care about family. I used to worry, obsess over it (and others who I couldn't get to be enamored of my wily charms), but now I accept that the only thing I can do is be the best me - that included spending time with them, but also includes my job, my friends, my side of the family. When I get an email criticizing me, instead of freaking out, I just chalk it up to them and move on. So very freeing.

Of course, it isn't perfect. I still obsess. But it is much better without drinking muddling up the works. I didn't think I really had a confidence problem until I quit drinking and realized that I really did. Being sober has helped me be a better, more complete person in other aspects of my life as well.

I know even here, especially at the beginning, I used to hang on the words of everyone, and wonder who would reply to my posts. It was very hard for me when I would pour my soul into a post only to have it ignored or skipped over - I took it personally. Now I accept that we're all on this journey to get sober and doing the best we can. Sometimes my heartfelt post gets skipped over, and sometimes I skip over someone else's. Not because I don't care, but because that's just the way it happens.

Blah, blah, blah. I could go on forever with this topic, but I'll spare you the details...

I love reading your thoughtful insights. Thanks for sharing them!

xo
Pav

I missed this post Pav- this is exactly me to a tee...

I am obviously still working on not drowning out my insecurities or their insecurties with AL but I am trying...
I used to do the same thing with the boards.. Hence why I left for awhile...

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi all, been away for a few days, but all's well- just been busy getting stuff done. My life is definitely becoming more regimented and organized which is nice. I'm still sober/AF- just hit 7 months (210 days) and am making the commitment to continue being so through June.

Sober has become the new norm, and I am enjoying how much more effective I am at life. I'm cleaning up so many areas of life that I completely neglected in my drinking days. My physical and financial health, my creative health, so many other things. It's nice to feel effective at life.

Yesterday I surprised myself by daydreaming momentarily about drinking beer. I haven't really done that in months so it was a bit of a surprise. I'd say it was a mild craving. It's persisted a bit- my mind has returned to it a few times last night and today, kind of entertaining the idea that it would "be fun". Good thing my AB precludes it as a possiblity or I might just throw caution to the wind, running purely on impulse.

Luckily, I also have been remembering how it feels to be hungover/sick/anxious/depressed, how I lose whole days to each binge. The euphoric recall of drinking hasn't dimmed the memories of the sickness, thankfully.

So, I'm still on track and going to keep an eye on this potential "danger zone". As to comments over the last week or so on my thread.. replies below.

Pavati;1664254 wrote: Hi, Skull (and everyone):

I, too, am/was/am/was a pleaser. I, too, am much better now that I'm sober. I started working on it a while ago, though. The key was accepting the fact that I couldn't control other peoples' thoughts and actions. I think my in-laws wanted me to be something I'm not, for example, and as much as I tried to be the best me possible, I realized I couldn't be who they wanted me to be. I think they like (even love) me, but I also think I disappoint them because I have a life other than them, so they think I don't care about family. I used to worry, obsess over it (and others who I couldn't get to be enamored of my wily charms), but now I accept that the only thing I can do is be the best me - that included spending time with them, but also includes my job, my friends, my side of the family. When I get an email criticizing me, instead of freaking out, I just chalk it up to them and move on. So very freeing.

Of course, it isn't perfect. I still obsess. But it is much better without drinking muddling up the works. I didn't think I really had a confidence problem until I quit drinking and realized that I really did. Being sober has helped me be a better, more complete person in other aspects of my life as well.

I know even here, especially at the beginning, I used to hang on the words of everyone, and wonder who would reply to my posts. It was very hard for me when I would pour my soul into a post only to have it ignored or skipped over - I took it personally. Now I accept that we're all on this journey to get sober and doing the best we can. Sometimes my heartfelt post gets skipped over, and sometimes I skip over someone else's. Not because I don't care, but because that's just the way it happens.

Blah, blah, blah. I could go on forever with this topic, but I'll spare you the details...

I love reading your thoughtful insights. Thanks for sharing them!

xo
Pav

I totally relate. My first few months posting regularly here on MWO, I put a lot of emotion into the responses I got- I felt fragile and would be sad if my posts seemed ignored. Now, I just know that's just how it goes sometimes and don't put much stock in it. But replies do still make me happy.

I too still find that I can obsess about any comments of criticism, whether real or imagined, or even just percieved neglect etc. Sometimes it's hard to get my brain to accept the truth to not take anything personally (which is one of the Four Agreements, as I always try to remind myself). So hard not to obsess sometimes. But, good to practice dealing with it in healthy, courageous ways, since retreating into a haze of booze is no longer an option.

Ne/Neva Eva;1663582 wrote:
This happens to me now, too. It's very frustrating. But for me, it was much worse when I was drinking. I had this big part of my life I needed to keep secret, and that left gaping holes in what I could share. Plus, I always felt less-than, simply because I knew I was living a less-than-full life. Wow. Makes me sad to think about that.

Nothing like a huge secret to make every social interaction a huge burden.
Oh, totally- for me too it was much much worse when I was drinking. I just believed I was so much less than other people, and would try to hide my insecurity, my hangovers, my addiction, and try to pass my self off as normal. All social interactions were a giant burden, and I would avoid them completely unless I could binge while socializing. It makes me sad to remember that, too.

StuckinLA;1664876 wrote: I found baclofen to be remarkably anxiolytic up to 150mg/day. (I was abstinent for a period of about 2 months at the time I got to 150.)

And Skull, holy crap man, 200 days? ! Congrats my friend!

Thanks, Stuck, I appreciate that. As for baclofen as an anxiolytic... for me, it's hard to say... I still experience(d) a fair amount of anxiety at differing times- pretty significantly, but much less so than when I was drinking- so, it's hard to say how much was bac vs. the absense of alcohol, but either way... the anxiety is much less and much easier to deal with now.

bkyogagurl;1666058 wrote: Skull-

Just wanted to check in as you are so sweet to always check in on me...

Hope you are doing fabulous with all your hulk stuff.

Miss ya

Thanks for checking in on me, buddy Hope you are well! I'll go check in on your thread today and say hey.

Thanks for all the comments, my friends! Best to all.
Skull

[DooDah]

Skullbaby's Progress

9 days on Bac

Today marks Day 9 on Bac and only one day AF. I'm up to 45mg in three doses. Taking it slow like Skull. SE's I've noticed are diarrhea, nausea, headache and that gasping for breath thing while sleeping. I, however, sleep like the dead which is something I did not do while drinking. I would wake about 4:00 am and then lay there awake until my alarm when off. All 46 pages of this thread is very inspiring to me as I feel like my alcoholism is partially physical dependence, but also habitual. I can't imagine trying to get through the drudgery of cleaning my house or doing laundry without the aid of alcohol which makes it almost fun. I'll miss the feeling of waking up and dreading the act of unloading the dishwasher only to walk into the kitchen and finding it spotless like little elves came in and did it while I slept when in reality I did it the night before in a drunken haze not even remembering. On the other hand, I had conversations with my kids and husband and didn't remember those either...:new:

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

DooDah, I'm glad my thread has been of interest to you and hopefully you've found some value in my experiences. Yes I for one have always advocated the slow and steady approach for using Baclofen. It just seems to difficult and fraught with peril otherwise.

As to your SE's- yep I've gotten ALL those and they all go away with time. Just know that the first couple months may suck but it's worth it. IT REALLY REALLY is. And regular life will seem fun without alcohol, I promise, I'm living proof- I genuinely enjoy life now, I would have never thought that, back when i was drinking.

As to drudgery tasks- one word- PODCASTS. Or alternately, Audiobooks. Get some earbuds, load up your phone with the itunes app or the stitcher app (I use stitcher as it's free and has everything I want- or audible, for audiobooks). Find some topics that entertain you, and presto- kitchen, laundry, etc.- you'll have entertainment while doing the tasks that are undeniably boring.

My favorite ones are the ones by standup comedians, the smart ones who are very engaged in concepts and topics and discuss life, religon, politics, health, etc.

Yep, learning to live life as a former drunk (as opposed to an active drunk) takes quite a lot of learning how to entertain the bored mind, now that alcohol is no longer an option. Thankfully, there's lots of interesting stuff out there, and stuff will naturally become more and more interesting the more AF time passes.

Again, I never would have believed any of that to be true but 7 months in, it really IS true. Ya just gotta put up with the crappy times that come and go, just get through them and past them.

DooDah, did you start a progress thread, and/or introduce yourself? I find it's a valuable tool. Either way, best of luck, and feel free to keep posting!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Posting, for my own reference, a collection of quotes and thoughts from various places.

From BK's thread-
"I started reading the daring greatly book. She quotes Theodore Roosevelt from the man in the arena...
Here it is..

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. "

From John Locke, found via Benjamin Dewey's great tragedy series-
"What worries you, masters you".

Lastly, from my own post in the Gratitude thread-
"Today I am grateful for the passage of time, which miraculously keeps on giving me new days in which to try again. I know that won't last forever, so each one is a gift to be treasured."

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Man Buddie... I almost teared up... Felt a little wave of emotion.

Just wanted to stop by and tell ya I bought me a *super-girl* tank but haven't worn it yet because I haven't felt worthy.. But tomorrow I plan to put it on and wear it proud. Not today of course.. I will be wearing black cause that is my tuff girl MO..
If I find a girlie hulk shirt I'm buying it.

Hope you are having a good day... I did my fasted cardio this am then off to the gym. I will be back on track with meals too. How has your training been going?

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

bkyogagurl;1668386 wrote: Man Buddie... I almost teared up... Felt a little wave of emotion.

Just wanted to stop by and tell ya I bought me a *super-girl* tank but haven't worn it yet because I haven't felt worthy.. But tomorrow I plan to put it on and wear it proud. Not today of course.. I will be wearing black cause that is my tuff girl MO..
If I find a girlie hulk shirt I'm buying it.

Hope you are having a good day... I did my fasted cardio this am then off to the gym. I will be back on track with meals too. How has your training been going?

copied from the Gratitude thread...

Borrowing from Spirit... today I too am grateful for learning to delay gratification. It is obviously and undeniably harder, but often so worthwhile.

I was reading a comic recently where a race of Conan-like barbarians didn't understand the concept of luxury. It said "If there was a word in their language for 'luxury', it would most closely translate to 'burden'.

I like that.

I post that here because that is how I am viewing my training. I delay gratification, with both food and rest, keep myself in a state of anticipation and only ever about 80% full in my belly, (and only that, with good whole foods). I make sure to hit my macros and my strength goals best I can, and I'm finding that I'm truly enjoying the state of intensity, focus, and 'want' moreso than than completely fulfilling those 'wants'. It's hard to describe, but I find that state of slight-to-moderate struggle more enjoyable than the fulfilled state.

When in that state, comforts and treats like fruit, a bit of dark chocolate, and 9 hours sleep, are unbelievably luxurious.

Basically, I'm trying to keep myself juuuuuuust on the edge of discomfort most of the time, because being too comfortable has become unfulfilling.

All that is a long winded way of saying that I am enjoying my training

It looks like I've hit an unwanted speed bump though... blood labs are saying that my thyroid levels are again too low, and I'm having red flags that concur, such as slower/stopped weight loss, poor sleep some nights, fatigue during the day, heart palpitations, and possibly those bouts of hives I've mentioned- could all be related to thyroid. I've been on a thyroid med for years and kept it reasonably balanced, but those where all years of my former alcoholic, overweight, sick depressed self, so in this last year getting healthy, with all the changes that it brought, must have changed my body's thyroid needs. It looks like I need to get the med adjusted accordingly.

That'll put a pause on my training for a few weeks while I see a specialist and get it sorted, so... yeah. Bummer. But, I'll get it sorted.

Super cool to hear about the Supergirl shirt Rock it proudly, as the young and mighty Kryptonian champion you are!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Today I am grateful for times when I push myself to be social even when I don't feel like doing so. Nine times out of ten it is a lovely experience and I am glad that I did it.

This weekend, had a nice sober time out, a weekend getaway and saw old friends. Lots of laughs... everyone else drank a bit and I was fine without alcohol, and I enjoyed myself. Crazy how things have changed.

[Cassander]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi Skull -- so nice to hear things are going so well. Love hearing what training and exercise have done for you. They have helped me enormously, too. Best, Cassander