Skullbaby's Progress

[Lostinspace]

Skullbaby's Progress

Wow Skull, that sounds like an amazingly lovely weekend I'm sure your girlfriend was overjoyed that you did all that for her birthday. And, yeah, spending all your time obsessing about how to keep drinking throughout a vacation is exhausting and ruins the whole experience. You got to really enjoy it and make her feel loved. I'm so happy for you.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Posting thoughts from NoSugar here for my own reference, as they ring true for me- this is health/food/carbs/sugar stuff as it relates to alcohol.

"Hi, Skull

It seems like many of us here are all-or-none kind of people. I know I am, in just about all aspects of my life except when I actively work on not being like that. None is so much more manageable than Some.

I wrote this to a friend earlier today about the sugar/AL thing:

Many people who are big time carb-preferers (addicts??) switch to AL at some point (like you, I didn't get into this mess until I was in my 30s) and then are fine w/o the carbs/sweets when they are actively drinking. I stopped eating most sugary, starchy carbs in my early 30s due to medical issues. I think that low carb (my preferred nutrient!) background set the stage for my becoming addicted to AL. So, I just had the reverse situation of the people who give up AL and become dependent on sugar. It is like we are going to get that dopamine hit one way or the other.

Who knows why some people need that dopamine more than others but maybe it is genetic or epigenetic - but there clearly are people who must be low in dopamine activity for one reason or another and so who have what turn out to be inappropriate responses when they come upon a source of it.

That's my theory, anyway ."

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Bleep, Kronk, BK, Lis- thanks so much for the kind and encouraging words. I was happy to read your lovely comments.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Similar to Pav's gratitude for the day, today I am grateful that I am teaching myself that I can get through difficult times without drinking.

Last night I had yet another dream that I had drank heavily, along with all that comes along with that (embarasment, alienation, hangover sickness, anxiety, junk food binge). In my dream, I realized that I'd relapsed and began crying really hard. I woke up almost sobbing, then realized it was just a dream.

There's a lot for me to learn from that... I guess I really do value my quit and want to protect it.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hey Skullman-

Just checking in. Seems to be really quiet around here.

I'm sorry about your dream. I have been having somewhat brutal dreams too. Not about alcohol but other things. I attribute it to the self talk I have been engaging in. I have been tough on my inner voice that tries to bully me. The one that says I need a drink or I'm a bad person or puts negative thoughts constantly in head. I have been yelling back and really fighting it. I think now the only place it has to go is to my sub-conscious but that soon to will evaporate I am sure... If I keep on the positive side of things when I'm awake.

How the diet & working out going these days. I'm plugging along... I just keep trying in all aspects of my life. When I had my little "holiday" this summer I easily put on 10 lbs. I want to work toward losing those.
I am in general, good spirits and happy with maintaining my sobriety during the week. It somehow takes the pressure off... I don't have to think about drinking during the week just FRI & SAT that is it.
fad for now I am giving myself those to drink if I want but to be honest the more I don't drink during the week lends to not wanting to drink...

Oops gotta go... Be back soon

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hey BK, thanks for posting on my thread- yep it has been pretty quiet and a little lonely here so I was glad to see a friend stop by

I totally know what you mean about the inner voice bullying us. It's so weird that so many of us have this bully inside our heads. I'm often pretty gentle with my inner positivity- affirmations like "I love myself", "I am a worthy person", etc. That's why I liked reading your thoughts about getting tough with it, against the inner voice. I like that a lot- I think I'll try it! "FUCK OFF inner critic, I'm fuckin' awesome". I'm often too timid in my life so I'm going to keep that positivity more aggressive- I like this approach.

Speaking of being tough- Hey, did you see this? Supergirl may be getting her own show! Greg Berlanti Confirms Supergirl TV Series in Development - ComingSoon.net

As for diet and training- I'm a bit crestfallen lately because I experienced a lumbosacral sprain a couple weeks ago while in a deep squat. I took it easy for a couple weeks then went back to training yesterday and again... the same sprain began hurting really bad, keeping me from training. I'm sitting now with an ice pack on it and I'm bummed that I'll likely need some PT to recover. I'm going to miss lifting heavy.

As for diet, copying and pasting from the sugar-free thread (This is day 5 on a healthy-sugar free diet)-

This week is actually going pretty well. As I mentioned before, I am an all or nothing person. After Saturday's sugar binge, I was back on the "no sugar at all" as of Sunday. So that makes today Day 5 of no sugar, and all healthy carbs/fats/protein.

I've lost about 3 or 4 lbs this week, which is to be expected- largely water weight due to carbs/sugar that is now being shed. But still nice to see the scale drop.

Mood- I'm doing good now that I'm not restricting my carbs as much. I used to restrict them to almost nothing every other day. Now, I eat them everyday, just in sane amounts. Between 150-200g. If I keep it in this "sweet spot" then I am less likely to go crazy on a binge because my hunger is pretty sated. Fat is kept between 50-60g, which allows me some butter, bacon or ground beef, and peanut butter, but all just in small amounts.

Keeping my protein high (170g) is important so that I feel full. All in all, this diet keeps me right at between 1800-2000 calories per day, a deficit of roughly 700 calories.

I am also doing about 2 scoops of L-Glutamine (one at lunch one at dinner) just to fend of sugar cravings. It didn't seem to do much previously but now that I'm on a more sane diet, sugar cravings have been actually pretty non-existent for a change. It's been nice.

I'm sleeping well, a good 9 hours per night almost uninterrupted, I'm shedding a bit of weight, and my sex drive is, well... active and quite noticeable on a daily basis ... which wasn't always the case. So all that, especially without insane sugar cravings, and feeling pretty full and satisfied most of the day, leads me to believe that I'm on the right path.

So, all's well so far! I have another week of eating like this before yet another out of town trip, a long weekend to see family, and attend a wedding. I should probably start thinking about how I'm going to be good and not just binge while I'm there...

BK, I'm glad to hear your weekdays are going so well, rocking them sober! How's things with your husband and kiddos? I understand about the weekends... maybe you can tackle them whenever you're ready.

Love ya!

[Lostinspace]

Skullbaby's Progress

I applaud your efforts on the healthy eating front, Skull. I'm also trying to make good nutrition a priority, but there's no way I could follow all those rules that you are. My plan is more like "no eating potato chips in place of a real lunch" :H

And I'm sorry to hear about your injury. It really sucks that you can't do the heavy lifting you love for now. Maybe you can use this time to try out some new types of exercise while you heal. I don't know if you're an outdoorsy person at all, but hiking can be a decent workout, it's very soul-soothing, and shouldn't be rough on your back. Or you can tell me to take my unsolicited advice and shove it. Either way, I hope you start to feel better soon

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skullman..... You are the best. I needed to hear an uplifting post from my Buddie.

I'm really sorry to hear about your injury especially to the back. Such a bummer especially because your are feeling all amorous and all... Bet girlie friend is bummed a bit too..
But be careful and take care of you.

You are rocking the diet. I am still struggling with sugar. I wish I didn't cook so good sometimes.. I absolutely love to bake and would do it for a profession if I wasn't caring for my kids. I try to make healthier versions of things but you know as well as I do butter and sugar just plain taste heavenly.

So interesting to hear about your inner voice and trying to use positive talk to push it away...
I have tried that too but got sick of feeling bullied by it so I too started saying like you-
fuck you I'm awesome go away.

How ever did you hear about my new series? I'm the star of course... :H:H:H
I crack myself up.. But you know I will watch it.

The husband is really good I'm happy to report and we are doing well communicating and supporting each other of late. It's so nice. I have been really trying to lend love and compassion to him. He likes that.
The kids are doing pretty good too. The starting of school always provides a few bumps but nothing we can't handle...
In fact I'm up tonight trying my best not to stew over an issue I'm having with a teacher.
I wish I could just push it out of my mind and gently fall asleep but my mind is more like let's get a bulldozer and push the bitch off a cliff... Just me I suppose.
I always end up handling situations with grace & intellect so I have no idea why I fuss over them in my mind.

Well I am so happy to report I made another week of AF. I am wondering if I will decide to drink tomorrow. I hope not but it's silly for me think about tonight. I did actually think about drinking tonight but told my lil shithead inner voice NO! We have things to do tomorrow that require an A game approach. When we went to dinner I hopped in the drivers seat cause I won't drink and drive with my kids in the car or really at all.
The more I don't drink the less I don't worry about drinking if that make sense...
Having 5 days off really helps me feel good so I don't really want to go back to feeling shitty but I have said this way to many times before..
I can feel I am starting to ramble so I better go...

Love ya more. Thanks for always being here for me.
:huggy

[StuckinLA]

Skullbaby's Progress

I hope you don't mind me jumping in without reading back very far. We all know sugar is the devil when we're not drinking, and not really that much even on the radar when we are drinking. Unless of course for the morning after... chocolate for breakfast, anyone? I'm saying this for only a couple reasons: one, my mom baked delicious - world class delicious - chocolate chip cookies and mailed them here for my students. She does this every semester, and she sent a lot of them. I would be eating them by the handful except that I'm drinking the past couple nights, and so I had one this afternoon and left them alone other than that, gave away as many as I could.

I've been thinking back to my childhood and early teen years quite a bit the past little while. Mostly because I feel like I'm still developing and somehow missed a piece of myself that most people receive in those formative years. But also because I've been thinking about addiction and Amiesen's book. When I was little I would eat as much sugary cereal for breakfast as I could get my hands on. Would eat 2 full, full bowls in the morning simply because my parents weren't there to stop me. I would drink soda until I pissed pure high fructose corn syrup when I was entering my teens. I would shoplift candy bars from the grocery store and buy head-sized sugar cookies with chocolate frosting on them whenever I could. My mom tested me for diabetes because she couldn't figure out what my deal was.

I took to coffee like it was water. I exercised, I ran 5 miles a day, hit my heavy bag for 1/2 an hour at a time and did the Nordic Trak skier (remember those?) for an hour straight. I went from cursing my mother to damnation for smoking one day, to smoking 2 packs a day the next. I smoked pot every night through high school to try and get some sleep. And as soon - I mean the very minute - as I had my first drink everything else fell away. I didn't need sugar, I didn't need food, I didn't need soda or marijuana or even exercise. I just wanted alcohol and I craved nothing else.

I think I'm just trying to be aware of that, and so not get freaked out when cravings for those other things come back with a vengeance. They were all attempts to compensate for the same problem.

Anyway like I said, sorry to barge into the thread. You are a very real inspiration to many, Skull. I hope you're feeling all right.

[Lostinspace]

Skullbaby's Progress

I can't stay too long since I'm at work, but in regards to the sugar binge battle, I should have said more. While bac seems to be helping me with that too, I do understand completely. I apologize in advance if I end up deleting what I'm about to say. It's something I'm tremendously ashamed of. Anyway, like you Stuck, and I'm sure countless others, I used to sneak not only sugary foods, but simple carby foods in general when I was a kid - as much as I could get away with. By the time I was 14, I was a good 10 pounds overweight. The only reason it wasn't even more was because I was very active. As someone who was obsessively involved with ballet, this was beyond unacceptable to me. I went on an extreme diet and lost a ton of weight over the course of two months.

When I finally caved and broke my diet, I went on the most extreme sugar binge of my life, followed by days of vile self-hatred and sickness. Despite this I binged again a few days later, then again a few days later still. In a desperate attempt to keep from undoing my hard-earned weight loss, I began forcing myself to throw up. For the next two years, I would fastidiously diet during the day only to break down and binge and purge at night.

This all changed when I started drinking. Almost immediately, the nightly food binges stopped and were replaced by nightly alcohol binges. Alcohol was my only real vice (besides cigarettes) for the next eight years until the first time I went to rehab. Once in rehab, the binging and purging more or less immediately reared its ugly head once again. Extra desserts were left in the kitchen each night for anyone who wanted to claim them, and we were allowed to go there whenever we wanted - which I did, every night. This continued right up until I relapsed, a mere five days after leaving the rehab.

For the next 12 years, this was the ongoing pattern for me. The vast majority of that time, I've been drinking like a pig. But whenever I attempted to stop drinking, the binge-purge monster would come back out of hiding. This is the first time in 22 years that I've been both AF and SBF (sugar binge free). The only thing that has changed is that I'm now on bac, so I imagine that's what has been helping. I am so unbelievably grateful from the bottom of my heart for the freedom that bac has afforded me this past month or so.

Anyway, all that's to say that I truly do understand the battle. And speaking of that inner critic, there's nothing in this world that caused me to hate myself as much as being both an alcoholic and bulimic. The hateful words I used to scream at myself inside my head were truly awful. The thousands of tears I shed over how much I despised myself, and all the insults I hurled at myself, actually make me sad now. I'm not a disgusting, awful person. I was sick. And now I'm getting better. I wish you the best as you address your own sugar binging tendencies, Skull, and everyone else who might be fighting this habit. You can do this

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hey Buddie..

Just stopping in. Giving you the 411.

I did drink last night. But that is in my limits I have recently set for myself
My poor husband. But at least I wasn't bitching at him.
I have felt so loving toward him lately... It's got to be nice for him..

Anyway I am not experiencing any usual anxiety or self loathing which is nice. I have been taking this homeopathic nerve tonic.. I think it really works.
I do think all the self talk I do is helping as well.

I hope your back is doing ok. I'm worried about you. I'm glad you are sleeping well tho.
I have my good nights and bad nights when I'm not drinking I usually wake up 2-4 times a night. I have been working on my caffeine consumption trying to cut back.
Had a tough week with the kiddos which I used as a reason to pound beers last night..
I was fucking done.

Well I better get a move on my day... I will be trying to stay sober tonight as I would like to cut my drinking to 1 night a week. Although this is relatively quick transition as I just started the no drinking S-TH I won't be hard on myself at all if I don't achieve it.
I always wake up and think I don't even want to drink today and by the evening I change my mind...
I hate that...

Thanks for letting me hang out on your thread. I should have came hear when I was feeling funky instead of hiding away like a baby... I'm so sensitive sometimes.
Your my best friend here and I want to stay present for you. Cause you are always here for me & check in on me.
:thanks:

I read an article about when you need or want someone or people in your life you yourself have to actively participate in theirs... On a consistent basis. Thru good and tough emotions.
Seems I should have already known this but reading it made me realize I need to do my part in all my relationships. I'm waffling again huh...

I gotta get out here.
:kissyface:

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Lostinspace;1704629 wrote: I applaud your efforts on the healthy eating front, Skull. I'm also trying to make good nutrition a priority, but there's no way I could follow all those rules that you are. My plan is more like "no eating potato chips in place of a real lunch" :H

And I'm sorry to hear about your injury. It really sucks that you can't do the heavy lifting you love for now. Maybe you can use this time to try out some new types of exercise while you heal. I don't know if you're an outdoorsy person at all, but hiking can be a decent workout, it's very soul-soothing, and shouldn't be rough on your back. Or you can tell me to take my unsolicited advice and shove it. Either way, I hope you start to feel better soon

Lis- I know, my eating rules can seem like a tall order! It's a bit much sometimes and I often think to myself how I've become one of "those guys"- overly concerned with nutrition. But, I have come to accept it, as it's the only way that seems to work for me to stay on track. I'm very much an all-or-nothing person. Unless I impose rigid rules for myself, it all comes crashing down- good intentions never work for me, my addict/inner brat just walks all over them, doing whatever it wants! So, I've come to accept it, and even laugh at it, half-jokingly telling people what a bore I've become. Haha

Funny you should mention hiking- well, walking anyway- I've been doing that in place of the heavy lifting. I got a little Fitbit tracker thingy that connects to an app on my phone and tracks my steps, my calories burned, even my quality of sleep. I kind of love it, it's become a little game. I shoot for a minimum of 10,000 steps per day, which really helps with strength and mobility. However, that means like 3 hours of walking a day!

Good thing I've set up a treadmill desk! A couple years ago I invested in a motorized changeable sitting/standing desk and a quiet, low-profile walking treadmill. I now spend about half my day at my computer while at a slow-ish moderate walk, while I surf online, read email, and post here on MWO while drinking my coffee. In fact, I'm on it right now as we speak Then, I spend the second half of my day stitting at my computer like a sane person.

It's nice because it helps with my low back pain which is due to so many years sitting at a computer. It keeps me engaged and mobile and slowly burns calories etc. As a fitness trainer told me, "Sitting is the new smoking". Well, that's maybe a bit of an overstatement but it's a memorable way to keep me walking every day.

Thanks for the thoughts, Lis- I love it when my MWO friends post on my thread. So how bout instead of telling you to shove your unsolicited advice, I thank you for it ? Thank you my friend

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

StuckinLA;1704764 wrote: I hope you don't mind me jumping in without reading back very far. We all know sugar is the devil when we're not drinking, and not really that much even on the radar when we are drinking. Unless of course for the morning after... chocolate for breakfast, anyone? I'm saying this for only a couple reasons: one, my mom baked delicious - world class delicious - chocolate chip cookies and mailed them here for my students. She does this every semester, and she sent a lot of them. I would be eating them by the handful except that I'm drinking the past couple nights, and so I had one this afternoon and left them alone other than that, gave away as many as I could.

I've been thinking back to my childhood and early teen years quite a bit the past little while. Mostly because I feel like I'm still developing and somehow missed a piece of myself that most people receive in those formative years. But also because I've been thinking about addiction and Amiesen's book. When I was little I would eat as much sugary cereal for breakfast as I could get my hands on. Would eat 2 full, full bowls in the morning simply because my parents weren't there to stop me. I would drink soda until I pissed pure high fructose corn syrup when I was entering my teens. I would shoplift candy bars from the grocery store and buy head-sized sugar cookies with chocolate frosting on them whenever I could. My mom tested me for diabetes because she couldn't figure out what my deal was.

I took to coffee like it was water. I exercised, I ran 5 miles a day, hit my heavy bag for 1/2 an hour at a time and did the Nordic Trak skier (remember those?) for an hour straight. I went from cursing my mother to damnation for smoking one day, to smoking 2 packs a day the next. I smoked pot every night through high school to try and get some sleep. And as soon - I mean the very minute - as I had my first drink everything else fell away. I didn't need sugar, I didn't need food, I didn't need soda or marijuana or even exercise. I just wanted alcohol and I craved nothing else.

I think I'm just trying to be aware of that, and so not get freaked out when cravings for those other things come back with a vengeance. They were all attempts to compensate for the same problem.

Anyway like I said, sorry to barge into the thread. You are a very real inspiration to many, Skull. I hope you're feeling all right.

Can we all just agree to stop apologizing for posting thoughts, advice, whatever, on eachother's thread? As I said to Lis- stop apologizing for "barging in"- the more friends that comment on my thread, the happier I am!

Especially in this case when I so relate to what you're saying- From a very very early age, probably early middle-school-ish, I began to really feel insecure, like something was missing from me, and sought to hide it and to fill the void somehow. There was a lot of posturing about how cool I was. Outside validation from friends or girls helped a little. Junk food helped a little, smoking helped a little, pot never did, but once I discovered beer, it was all over- THERE was that comforting lovely feeling I'd been looking for for so long!

It was wonderful for years... until it wasn't. You all know how that goes.

Now that I've decided all these lovely/disgusting things are no longer an option, I'm having to force myself to become OK, comfortable, even strong and confident, on the bare bare minimums of life. All that stuff that our teachers told us is so important- healthy food, exercise, believing in oneself- all that shit I'd roll my eyes at- turns out they were right.

It sure isn't easy, but so far it's quite worthwhile... and I can now manage my life better this way- far easier than when I was sick in the grips of alcohol abuse.

Stuck, are you considering taking another run at an extended sober time? I hope you do.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

bkyogagurl;1704736 wrote: Skullman..... You are the best. I needed to hear an uplifting post from my Buddie.

I'm really sorry to hear about your injury especially to the back. Such a bummer especially because your are feeling all amorous and all... Bet girlie friend is bummed a bit too..
But be careful and take care of you.

You are rocking the diet. I am still struggling with sugar. I wish I didn't cook so good sometimes.. I absolutely love to bake and would do it for a profession if I wasn't caring for my kids. I try to make healthier versions of things but you know as well as I do butter and sugar just plain taste heavenly.

So interesting to hear about your inner voice and trying to use positive talk to push it away...
I have tried that too but got sick of feeling bullied by it so I too started saying like you-
fuck you I'm awesome go away.

How ever did you hear about my new series? I'm the star of course...
I crack myself up.. But you know I will watch it.

The husband is really good I'm happy to report and we are doing well communicating and supporting each other of late. It's so nice. I have been really trying to lend love and compassion to him. He likes that.
The kids are doing pretty good too. The starting of school always provides a few bumps but nothing we can't handle...
In fact I'm up tonight trying my best not to stew over an issue I'm having with a teacher.
I wish I could just push it out of my mind and gently fall asleep but my mind is more like let's get a bulldozer and push the bitch off a cliff... Just me I suppose.
I always end up handling situations with grace & intellect so I have no idea why I fuss over them in my mind.

Well I am so happy to report I made another week of AF. I am wondering if I will decide to drink tomorrow. I hope not but it's silly for me think about tonight. I did actually think about drinking tonight but told my lil shithead inner voice NO! We have things to do tomorrow that require an A game approach. When we went to dinner I hopped in the drivers seat cause I won't drink and drive with my kids in the car or really at all.
The more I don't drink the less I don't worry about drinking if that make sense...
Having 5 days off really helps me feel good so I don't really want to go back to feeling shitty but I have said this way to many times before..
I can feel I am starting to ramble so I better go...

Love ya more. Thanks for always being here for me.
:huggy

Hey my friend! Thanks for the kind comments and supportive thoughts

Yep, the lumbosacral sprain, as the chiropractor told me it's called, means I'll need to be taking it easy a bit longer when it comes to weightlifting. I was thinking of restarting this week, at like HALF of what I usually do, just to try to keep the muscles engaged a little, and very slowly build strength back up. And, as I wrote above, I'm doing a lot of walking and such for mobility.

As for making-the-romance time with the GF, well, luckily that hasn't been a problem, as long as I'm not doing any squatting or deadlifting in the bedroom- amour time has not been interrupted, thankfully If anything, it's increased- a nice side effect of good nutrition and sobriety! My new lifestyle is definitely GF approved. LOL

Yep... sugar has been such a tough one to give up- the only way I've been able to is to be super strict about it. Luckily, butter is still on the table, just in small-ish reasonable amounts... mmm, healthy fat! So delicious.

Hooo boy did I ever relate to your comments about stewing over an issue- I often find that I obsess over things, whether it's worry, fear, or frustration and anger, in my head, for days and days and weeks and weeks. Almost 100% of the time, whenever I just confront the issue in an open communicative way with the other person, it's usually resolved satisfactorily and is often so much smaller of an issue than I made it out to be in my head. It's like my head is such a damn drama queen. I think the takeaway is that it's often best to clear the air with people. Often, that means we need to be the proactive ones to do so, because often people are themselves too scared, or stubborn, or ignorant, or just plain clueless, to do it themselves. We often need to be the ones to take the initiative. Well, that's what I've found in my case, anyway. Maybe you can relate?

I'm glad that things are going well with your husband and kiddos, even if there are occasional bumps in the road. Spending all week sober is great and really shows discipline, especially when you can tell your cravings to fuck off because you need to be on your A game the following day.

Much love to you as always! My buddy BK

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

bkyogagurl;1705392 wrote:

Thanks for letting me hang out on your thread. I should have came hear when I was feeling funky instead of hiding away like a baby... I'm so sensitive sometimes.
Your my best friend here and I want to stay present for you. Cause you are always here for me & check in on me.
:thanks:

I read an article about when you need or want someone or people in your life you yourself have to actively participate in theirs... On a consistent basis. Thru good and tough emotions.
Seems I should have already known this but reading it made me realize I need to do my part in all my relationships. I'm waffling again huh...

I gotta get out here.
:kissyface:

I know what you mean- I am sooo sensitive sometimes too. I think that is very valuable advice, and very true, what you read in the article- it's important that we make ourselves available to our friends, for support, advice, whatever, in order to strengthen friendships. A really great reminder, of something I really want to practice more.

Thanks for the lovely thoughts