Skullbaby's Progress

[Cassander]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1544156 wrote: . ...
But, I have noticed more calmness/happiness as the days have passed. ...

Skull -- its hard perhaps for you to see this objectively, but as I follow your story, I find myself thinking that the problems you have had...some bingeing...then depression and anxiety...are more related to your alcoholism (perhaps combined with bac) than to bac alone...does that make sense?

So what I am trying to say is...stay with the bac...don't be too reluctant to go up...esp while you have the "cover" of the antabuse...and see if abstinence and bac doesn't work a whole lot better than occasional bingeing and bac...

As for life after indifference...that's a whole 'nother deal...but a very good problem to have!

Anyway, best of luck!

Cassander

[Mandiekinz]

Skullbaby's Progress

Great work on going AF!! The first two weeks are TOUGH for me, and I do them often. I'm really happy for you as once you get over that hump, things will smooth out with fewer cravings and alcohol thought.

As for meditation...I think that's a brilliant idea to get into. You reminded me that I have an app on my phone that I just LOVED. It's called Satify. You'll need a good pair of ear plugs. It's a timed meditation, to start off you'll probably want to go 10 minutes and work your way up from there. You can chose your background sounds or use ones that stimulate your brainwaves (my favorite). Find a nice dark and quiet spot to get comfortable in and play it. Once it's done it'll play this little "ting" sound and it always jolts me but in a very comforting way. I awake out of my meditation feeling very refreshed and alert. Another way I meditate is by again finding a dark, comfortable place to sit or lay down and I just talk to my spirit world(in my head) or "God' so to speak. About everything. Kinda like praying but not asking for anything. I do ask questions but I find that I end up finding solutions to problems, I find new ways of looking at situations, I find relief in it. I found that if I do that, I can get to sleep much easier. It's as though I'm talking to someone about all the random stuff in my head which makes it easier to sort out instead of getting stuck in my head and driving myself insane.

As for the depression and anxiety, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that. I definitely agree with Cassander as to try going AF and give the Bac a fighting chance.

Happy and hopeful thoughts are sent your way!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

emily;1544234 wrote: Hey Skull, first of all, well done on your abstinence challenge, keep going, it passes really quick and makes such a difference.

I've also noticed a depression and anxiety and a feeling of being completely disengaged from others, cut off, not feeling happy about anything. Wow, when I read that, you nailed exactly how I've been feeling.

I'm down to 60 mg, going to make that my maintenance dose so I'm thinking it's not Bac but it's, as you said, the mind and body is going through changes and having to face life without numbing out with alcohol.

For me I think the cut off feeling is I'm actually cut off from myself, hence me reading The Power of Now - I'm trying to connect with myself again and by watching the mechanics of how the mind works and causes anxiety and depression as discussed in this book is really helping.

I highly recommend this book to you especially if you are getting into meditation. I'm also a beginner.

Also get what you mean about panicking that cravings are hitting you. Your 30 days will help with this - you will be working in partnership with bac and this will help you break the habit. I was in a shop the other day and thought about buying one of those small bottles of wine, you know, one glass. For a few seconds I felt a craving for it - we're talking a one glass bottle of wine here, what am I worried about, seriously) Anyways, I firmly said no to myself and then forgot all about it - so my thinking is that these type of mini-cravings will hit but you now have a choice - does that make sense?

I managed around 40 days AF and since then have only had max 2 glasses of wine at any time. Was out for dinner with friends (took the disconnected, cut off feeling right to the table with me!!) had a small glass of wine (would normally have always had a large) and then had a second and left half of it. Isn't that amazing!!

So keep going, it only works

Emily, thanks for the post. So cool to hear about your 40 days AF, and your disinterest in more than 2 drinks at a time. That's so awesome!

And yeah, I think we're on the same page with the depression/anxiety/feeling cut off. Even though it may be partially a bac SE, I think I agree with you and others who've posted, that it's more likely due to the alcoholism or maybe more aptly the lack of drinking alcoholically, and what that means for body and mind when not numbing everything out with a poison.

Also, I've got my new copy of the Power of Now on my bedside table, going to jump in to it tonight!

All in all, a good thing and a trade off I'm happy to make. Luckily it seems to be temporary (see my update below).

Best to you, Emily!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1544376 wrote: Skull -great job on the AF days. I had such major depressive episodes my first 30 days that I thought I was going to explode. I just kept believing what a few folks on MWO kept saying; I would not regret my decision to be af 30 to 60 days down the road. Skull, I don't know exactly when or how it happened and just don't really care; but I became totally indifferent to alcohol. In fact, alcohol and the resulting effects became quite repulsive. My few experiments led me to realize that I do not have to be afraid of being around alcohol -the damned beast was no longer my master. Yes, I have a whole lot of crap that I am having to deal with now as a result of my former sickness, but at least I am here and "having" to deal.

Skull, I think I know where you are trying to go. Once you pass the 60-ish day +/-, you will be amazed beyond belief -in my opinion. If you are not amazed at this point, what have you lost in trying? I do wish you the courage and peace to continue giving yourself a real shot at the af life. (Try not to put too many boundaries on your Baclofen intake-just a thought)

Thanks for the post, Spirit. SO amazing to hear about your success with bac- you've had amazing results and I'm looking to follow suit! Yep, I'm happy I made the 30 day AF commitment. For me, the Antabuse is a welcome safeguard to support this.

Your post has got me thinking, though. How great would it be to commit to 60 days? I don't want to get ahead of myself, but depending on how the rest of my 30 days goes, I may extend it to 60.

Either way, I'm glad to be giving my body and mind an extended period of time to begin to heal, and for the bac to do its thing. More on this below on my update.

As I told ya in the PM, super glad you're posting again Spirit!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Cassander;1544488 wrote: Skull -- its hard perhaps for you to see this objectively, but as I follow your story, I find myself thinking that the problems you have had...some bingeing...then depression and anxiety...are more related to your alcoholism (perhaps combined with bac) than to bac alone...does that make sense?

So what I am trying to say is...stay with the bac...don't be too reluctant to go up...esp while you have the "cover" of the antabuse...and see if abstinence and bac doesn't work a whole lot better than occasional bingeing and bac...

As for life after indifference...that's a whole 'nother deal...but a very good problem to have!

Anyway, best of luck!

Cassander

Great advice Cassander, and in regards to bac, sounds like a similar train of thought to what Spirit posted. Advice most welcomed, and good for me to think about, as you're correct- I hadn't been objectively aware of that possibility.

Thanks for the post!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Mandiekinz;1544495 wrote: Great work on going AF!! The first two weeks are TOUGH for me, and I do them often. I'm really happy for you as once you get over that hump, things will smooth out with fewer cravings and alcohol thought.

As for meditation...I think that's a brilliant idea to get into. You reminded me that I have an app on my phone that I just LOVED. It's called Satify. You'll need a good pair of ear plugs. It's a timed meditation, to start off you'll probably want to go 10 minutes and work your way up from there. You can chose your background sounds or use ones that stimulate your brainwaves (my favorite). Find a nice dark and quiet spot to get comfortable in and play it. Once it's done it'll play this little "ting" sound and it always jolts me but in a very comforting way. I awake out of my meditation feeling very refreshed and alert. Another way I meditate is by again finding a dark, comfortable place to sit or lay down and I just talk to my spirit world(in my head) or "God' so to speak. About everything. Kinda like praying but not asking for anything. I do ask questions but I find that I end up finding solutions to problems, I find new ways of looking at situations, I find relief in it. I found that if I do that, I can get to sleep much easier. It's as though I'm talking to someone about all the random stuff in my head which makes it easier to sort out instead of getting stuck in my head and driving myself insane.

As for the depression and anxiety, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that. I definitely agree with Cassander as to try going AF and give the Bac a fighting chance.

Happy and hopeful thoughts are sent your way!

Mandie, thanks for your post. I remain so impressed about how you got your AF time started even before you added bac to the mix! Very cool.

As to your comments, the clouds are beginning to lift and things are getting good- see my update below.

And thanks for the meditation app recommendation- I'm hoping they have an Android version, going to go look for one today as that sounds really helpful! I found your tips on meditating very thought-provoking and I'm going to try out your techniques, so thanks again for those.

EDIT- Just got Satify installed, going to try it out this afternoon. Happy!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 8 AF, Day 108 on bac. Currently taking 100mg bac per day, and 125mg Antabuse daily.

Things are looking up. The last week has been almost completely cravings-free, and I've really been enjoying feeling more present in the world. For the most part, it's been happy, but even in moments of frustration or sadness, it's been nice to be able to just deal with those things in a fairly calm and present manner, and know that I don't need to go drown them in poison. It's a feeling of coming from a position of strength, and that's a new and welcome feeling.

So, I know that both bac and antabuse remain good tools for me- the bac quiets the cravings and anxiety, and the antabuse takes away the habitual/mental struggle.

There've been a lot of positives to the last week-

As I'm sure I've written about before, when I binge on alcohol, it negatively affects my diet. I'm about 40ish pounds overweight, and motivated to get to a lean weight. I'm trying to eat really clean healthy foods in a modified paleo way, and generally stick to it really well- except for when I get hammered.

So, since going AF this last week, I've been eating really clean and lifting weights 2 or 3x per week. I'm eating lean meats, healthy fats and carbs, and my "Hulk Juice" (since I hate eating veggies, I just juice a ton of green veggies in my Vitamix blender and then chug them down with a meal).

One thing that I've noticed over the past couple days is that during and after when I lift weights, I feel unbelievably fantastic afterwards for the rest of the day, and into the next. I feel physically powerful as hell, and emotionally elated. It's very positive. It's almost like a mild body high. I feel more elevated, stronger, more sexual, more confident. It's like I'm beginning to operate at a higher level. I'm sure I'm exaggerating but I just want to vividly communicate what it feels like.

So needless to say, those are welcome feelings, lol. My trainer warned that with this kind of eating/training, it'd increase my testosterone, and that I may notice changes in my libido and/or irritability/aggression. As I mentioned in previous posts, I've definitely felt the latter (though seems to have subsided nicely), and am now noticing the former (a welcome addition, lol).

The depression and anxiety that I mentioned before seems to be gone. Whether it was a bac SE, or more related to the alcoholism and/or coping with sobriety, or even a mix of those things, it seems to be quite manageable now, and really not noticeable at all. Happily, my sleep seems to have evened out nicely, too- The last few nights, I've been getting about 7 to 8 hours uninterrupted. I've been able to take less benadryl at night- now taking only 1 pill 50mg diphenhydramine (benadryl) instead of 2 (plus still taking the 10mg melatonin). I've been able to get up between 8:30am to 10:30 am (which is reasonable for me, and better than the noon-1pm time which is how it was previously).

Not that it's a bad thing, but I do notice a certain logicality to my thought processes. Aside from the moments of elation or negative emotions I've listed above/previously, most times I seem to be fairly Spock-like. Logical and slightly unemotional. Likely it's one phase of many that I'll go through as I continue to learn to live life sober.

All in all, very very happy and very encouraged to continue. I'll stay on my present course, and if cravings return I'll be titrating up bac as needed. As Spirit and others have mentioned, I may not need to be so exact with my bac-- but I find it helpful and even kind of entertaining, similar to how I like to log in all my sets/reps/weight when I work out. Just like checking in here daily keeps me focused, I find that tracking all those numbers also keeps me focused. A little OCD, sure, maybe... but ultimately positive.

PS, for those who may be interested, I'm also posting daily in the Juan's Abstinence Challenge forum, as well as the AF August forum over in Newbie's Nest.

Best to all.

[Mandiekinz]

Skullbaby's Progress

It's great you're logging, it keeps you accountable and it's kind of like a diary of sorts on this new journey.

It's also great that you're finding your way to a healthier and active lifestyle. I always feel so much better after a good work out. Drunk or sober. It's really helpful in pushing all those toxins out of your body. I was told by counselors in a treatment center to not work out vigorously for at least 10 days after you quit drinking. Something about thin blood and heart attacks. I'm not sure, I'll have to do research. But they also said that I'd cross-addict to working out too much? Who cares...it's HEALTHY and I'd rather be bangin' hot than a complete disaster any day.

As for making it for 8 days AF before starting Bac...well, it really helps when the last time I was on a binge, my fiance kicked me out of the house...I landed in the city with no money, no clothes, no cell and somehow almost got myself thrown into a prostitution ring. Needless to say, if I drink again...I'm sure my fiance' would kick me out again leaving me with nothing but the clothes on my back and I have no family or friends in this state to help me out. So that's quite the drive to keep myself in check. It was VERY hard the first couple of weeks, especially since all I could think about were the events that happened in those 4 days I was on my own. All I wanted to do was drink it away. But you all here at MWO have given me hope, as did starting the Bac. Very grateful and happy for this little internet based "home".

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks for the comments Mandie. In regards to working out.. I could never do it when I was drinking... I always felt like total shit either drinking or hungover and the thought of exercise was the LAST thing I wanted. But sober's a different story, and I'm keeping up with it pretty well so far.

Sounds like you had a really rough few days after your last binge. Some scary consequences! A prostitution ring? Holy hell. I am really glad you were able to avoid what I'm sure is a very rough life.

Glad that baclofen and MWO have helped to keep things more steady... keep it up

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks for the comments Mandie. In regards to working out.. I could never do it when I was drinking... I always felt like total shit either drinking or hungover and the thought of exercise was the LAST thing I wanted. But sober's a different story, and I'm keeping up with it pretty well so far.

Sounds like you had a really rough few days after your last binge. Some scary consequences! A prostitution ring? Holy hell. I am really glad you were able to avoid what I'm sure is a very rough life.

Glad that baclofen and MWO have helped to keep things more steady... keep it up

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Quick update-

Day 10 AF. 100mg bac/day, 125mg antabuse/day.

Last couple days were kind of a slump... Did OK for much of yesterday but energy plummetted during bday dinner... I got so tired, exhausted... Just wanted to be by myself.

Today was much the same. Had really bad dreams and woke up in a funk. Took forever to get awake/motivated, and my energy has been low all day. Been pretty tired.

I figured that this was all gonna be just part of the ups and downs, the rollercoaster of life as I get sober. Some days I'll feel great as I did the other day, some days I'll feel low. I know this is true, but I also then remembered reading in other forums that sometimes Antabuse has the effect of making people drowsy/tired. Since I take my antabuse around 5 pm, it makes sense that I'd be dragging slower during the afternoon/evening. I may have to adjust this to take antabuse at bedtime.

Anyway, happy to be alcohol and hangover-free. I know that it's a better life this way.

Best to all.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi Skull -It sounds as if you are doing absolutely great!!! Rock-on. Saw your other post on regarding your day 11. Keep on keeping on. Stay the course and you will find what you have been looking for. not always easier, but a hell uv a lot easier than what you have been going thru. This is a promise.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks for the encouraging words, Spirit. I am really appreciative of your contributions to the board, both your own posts and also recently your bumping/contributing to older threads with lots of wisdom to share. Both really helpful, so thanks!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update-

Day 14 AF. 100mg bac and 125mg antabuse daily.

Well, Day 14 is a new record for me within the last few years. Not sure when I last had this much sober time! Tomorrow will mark the halfway point to my 30 day goal, and I may extend it to 60.

While the bac/antabuse regimen makes the physical/mental part of sobriety much easier, I'm definitely beginning to feel the emotional part become challenging. I've been more haunted over the past few days about things that've happened in my history, in particular things I've done to drive friends and loved ones away, as well as just being hurt about betrayals and neglect, and what I have and haven't done to deserve it.

I've definitely become very distanced from most of my old friends, and it's pretty painful. For the last few years I was using alcohol to (among other things) "drop out" of life and dull pain. I knew that when I became sober that this stuff would come up, and now it definitely has.

Medication wise, I realized that a couple days ago I forgot to take my afternoon dose of 40 mg. So that means for one day I took 60 mg instead of 100. I was a little worried when I realized this the next day, and was on the lookout for any problems because of this. It could be that the recent depressed state over the past, lost friends, etc. is due in part to the missed bac dose, but I suspect it has just as much to do with my new sobriety and having to deal with painful memories.

Anyway, the last two days I've been back to 100 and seem relatively ok. I'm trying to keep a mindset of strength and positivity, and know that even when life is hard, as it often is, dealing with it sober is much better than being drunk.

Best to all.

[kronkcarr]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland,

I wanted to let you know that I read your posts and I plan to go back and comment and then don't. I apologize for that. You touch on feelings and thoughts that I had/sometimes still have. I'm happy for you and your 14 days!