Skullbaby's Progress

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull -you are rocking on. How cool? I'm like Kronk, still dealing with some of these issues as well. However, I have to admit, depression and all other (anxiety) are so much less when not drinking. And the baclofen helps make all these issues so much ore manageable. Keep posting. Good to keep reading your progress.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi Kronk... thanks for the comment. Glad that you're relating to some stuff that I'm going through... Do post some thoughts if you find the time, I value your posts.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

kronkcarr;1546861 wrote: skullbabyland,

I wanted to let you know that I read your posts and I plan to go back and comment and then don't. I apologize for that. You touch on feelings and thoughts that I had/sometimes still have. I'm happy for you and your 14 days!

Hi Kronk... thanks for the comment. Glad that you're relating to some stuff that I'm going through... Do post some thoughts if you find the time, I value your posts.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1547027 wrote: Skull -you are rocking on. How cool? I'm like Kronk, still dealing with some of these issues as well. However, I have to admit, depression and all other (anxiety) are so much less when not drinking. And the baclofen helps make all these issues so much ore manageable. Keep posting. Good to keep reading your progress.

Thanks buddy. I agree... even though it's been a bumpy ride so far, with both ups and downs, very much a rollercoaster ride... I have to say that life is beginning to become much more manageable.

Day 15 AF for me. Halfway to my goal of (at minimum) 30 days AF.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Day 16 AF. Today I'm feeling very blue. Living life sober is sure an emotional rollercoaster for me.

DISCLAIMER- WHINY BABY CRYING OVER PRETTY MUCH NOTHING BELOW.

The last couple days I've been very sad. I'm very much having a "pity party" for myself. I know other people have problems much more than my own small fry "problems". But I thought I'd rant my feelings here no matter how inconsequential or lame they are, if for no other reason that perhaps later when I have a clearer head I'll come back and read this and see it differently.

My birthday was 4 days ago, and most all my old friends and even my brother more or less ignored me, or at least that's how it felt.. I know it shouldn't be a big deal but usually my close friends and definitely my brother (with whom I've been very close all my life) at least call me or send a small something, as I do with them. It's just how we celebrate, going back years.

Well, not this year... my brother texted me saying "your gift is gonna be late". It's been days and nothing has come and no mention. He didn't call as he usually does. My best friend for decades has been distancing himself the last couple years. He treated me like I was an annoying irritation when I flew across the country to see him last year. I call/send him meaningful gifts for Xmas and birthdays, and he barely acknowledges mine. It really feels like he's telling me that the friendship means nothing to him.

So, yeah- feeling abandoned and ignored by the people I previously thought were my closest. Feeling like I mean less than dirt, or that I'm a constant annoyance to them.

(WHINY RANT OVER)

Looking at the above, it strikes me that the emo pity party is likely more about me and less about them. I am obviously feeling a lot of insecurity and loneliness and maybe I'm projecting it unfairly. Maybe what's really going on here is that being newly sober, emotional junk is just coming up out of nowhere with nothing to drown it as I did previously with alcohol.

I'm really trying to keep a level head and not be a butt-hurt little baby. But hurt feelings of abandonment can be hard to overcome and see the rational picture. I've got some stuff to work on, obviously....

[NoSugar]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi, SBL,

It seems that once we're not dulled by alcohol, we do see a lot of things we didn't, or didn't let ourselves, see before. Some of them probably are real, and are things that will need to be dealt with.

On the other hand - my level of self-involvement during the first few months was so complete, everything was all about me - good and bad. I also was hypersensitive and took offense very easily. I even managed to convince myself that some people here didn't 'like' me because of perceived sleights like overlooked posts. Even at the time I knew I was being ridiculous but it takes awhile to regain self-confidence and emotional stability.

The other thing to consider is what kind of friend and brother have you been while you've been drinking? Maybe you haven't been aware of some gradual changes in these relationships until now.

I don't think you are a whiny baby at all. I think you are fragile and easily hurt right now. That isn't the worst thing to be and if you stick with this, I think you'll find yourself growing stronger and stronger - and ready to build good relationships.

:h NS

[kronkcarr]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland,

I was thinking of you today and some of my thoughts were along the lines of NoSugar. I started to drive my sober self crazy with looking at so much--who were my "real" friends? Why doesn't that person email me back? I found that I wanted so much to "belong". I have found that some friendships didn't survive my getting sober and it was because I wasn't willing to suffer for other people's comfort. I'd done that my whole life and that was probably why I drank too.

And I remember thinking that I wanted my old silly, crazy self back. Well, I found that that wasn't really me. Then I started on the whole "who am I" thing. Finally I just relaxed and figured I'd find me bit by bit. Months later I'm still here and still only know that I'm loyal, I keep my word and I help trapped moths and butterflies out of our lanai.

I don't know if you're taking vitamins or supplements but when I started taking vitamins I felt a heck of a lot better. Hang in there!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

NoSugar;1547669 wrote: Hi, SBL,

It seems that once we're not dulled by alcohol, we do see a lot of things we didn't, or didn't let ourselves, see before. Some of them probably are real, and are things that will need to be dealt with.

On the other hand - my level of self-involvement during the first few months was so complete, everything was all about me - good and bad. I also was hypersensitive and took offense very easily. I even managed to convince myself that some people here didn't 'like' me because of perceived sleights like overlooked posts. Even at the time I knew I was being ridiculous but it takes awhile to regain self-confidence and emotional stability.

The other thing to consider is what kind of friend and brother have you been while you've been drinking? Maybe you haven't been aware of some gradual changes in these relationships until now.

I don't think you are a whiny baby at all. I think you are fragile and easily hurt right now. That isn't the worst thing to be and if you stick with this, I think you'll find yourself growing stronger and stronger - and ready to build good relationships.

:h NS

NS,
Thanks for the comments- all that you've said I certainly relate to and have thought the same thoughts myself. I do recognize that I'm being quite self-centered in my thought processes and that balance and rational perspective and confidence will come with time. And, I'm definitely agonizing over what kind of friend/brother I've been to them... it's like through all of this, every possible shitty thing I've done has come flooding into my brain and is haunting me.
Talking about it to my lovely gf and to you fine folks has helped. I am trying my best to live my own mantra... "strong and positive".
Thanks NS

[YouKayBee]

Skullbaby's Progress

Took me ages to realise people don't reply because I'm not the centre of their life, they are human and so what!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

kronkcarr;1547691 wrote: skullbabyland,

I was thinking of you today and some of my thoughts were along the lines of NoSugar. I started to drive my sober self crazy with looking at so much--who were my "real" friends? Why doesn't that person email me back? I found that I wanted so much to "belong". I have found that some friendships didn't survive my getting sober and it was because I wasn't willing to suffer for other people's comfort. I'd done that my whole life and that was probably why I drank too.

And I remember thinking that I wanted my old silly, crazy self back. Well, I found that that wasn't really me. Then I started on the whole "who am I" thing. Finally I just relaxed and figured I'd find me bit by bit. Months later I'm still here and still only know that I'm loyal, I keep my word and I help trapped moths and butterflies out of our lanai.

I don't know if you're taking vitamins or supplements but when I started taking vitamins I felt a heck of a lot better. Hang in there!

Thanks, Kronk. Boy, what you and NoSugar posted, I sure relate to. Insecurity, loneliness, self-torturing, who are my friends, why will nobody reach out to me, all that. I know it will pass and I will gain balance and perspective. For now just talking about it... and not drinking... is good enough.

I really relate to what you said about wanting the silly crazy self back, particularly with my friends... I often would drink to feel less anxious about my friends supposedly judging the real me. I'd get drunk to feel good instead of anxious and insecure, and try to make everyone laugh and feel good, and thus accepting of me. It was never particularly the real me. Well, at least that part. I was sometimes myself, honest and true, but other times I was covering up the real me with an act, all fueled by alcohol.

One thing that I've puzzled about for the last couple years is why I feel anxious when I think of all my old close friends in my old city in which I spent my young adulthood. When I think about all my old social circle, even those I considered closest, I feel anxious and like I want to run away. I think I moved away from my old city 3 years ago partly because I was running from them, or from my anxieties around them, around drinking, around my old self and all my drunken mistakes. Sometimes I feel like I never want to go back to visit and just cut all ties completely... but then I miss the connection of all those old friendships, too. Sheesh what a basketcase... hah.

Anyway. It'll all become clearer in time, I'm sure.

I do take a whole host of vitamins daily, maybe overdoing it some would say. And I'm eating super cleanly. Physically I feel better than I have since I was in my teens. Emotionally, that's another story... the floodgates have opened and chaos abounds... but I'm slowly making sense of it all.

Thanks to you Kronk (and NoSugar too) for posting your experience and words of encouragement

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Ukblonde;1547718 wrote: Took me ages to realise people don't reply because I'm not the centre of their life, they are human and so what!

So true, so true. I need to counter the chaos in my head with rational thoughts such as this, thanks for the reminder!

[emily]

Skullbaby's Progress

You're doing just fine and I'm just getting out of the tunnel (the one you're still in) now. At first I also thought the way I was feeling (and you are feeling) was something to do with bac and, yeah, it may be but I really don't think it is.


The disconnection you feel is not from the world around you but from yourself. You have to look 'in' the way and absolutely be self centred in your new journey. Concentrate on you just now, friends will all come back, miraculously, once your energy is different. I think I was so low on energy, lost my mojo, that people subconsciously stayed away, it's like I was repelling folks!!

You're choosing to wallow a bit just now and that's fine, all part of the process. I did, just don't stay there too long

I think you have to face yourself, accept yourself and accept where you are in life right now. Easy to read, easy to write down and easy to ponder with your mind but one hell of a job to actually work through and achieve. All those walls of resistance that are in place, WOW! (I still AFTER EVERYTHING found it hard to admit that I had a drinking problem, STILL working on shame and guilt with that one)

But to actually feel/know that you accept or are working towards acceptance of yourself and your life is worth the effort. And effort it is, or it has been for me and is still a work in progress but things are getting better and it has only taken a matter of weeks.

I won't keep harping on about it and you'll only read it when you're ready to but that book I recommended - it's given me all the answers I needed.

You're just a step behind me, keep up, the company would be most welcome.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks Emily, and to all who posted encouraging/sympathetic comments. It sure is nice to know that others know the feeling that I'm going through and that I'm not alone.

In regards to your just getting out of the tunnel now, can you tell me how long you've been sober now? I'm sure everyone's experience is different but it's sure a comforting thought that I can expect to level out and feel more balanced soon.

I suspect you're quite right in your comments regarding the work of looking within... dealing with and accepting myself. I do expect it to be a long and sometimes painful process, but ultimately rewarding. In my more positive moments it can actually feel like a relief... like I'm actually coming out of the fog of denial and neglect that I spent so many years in, fueled and made possible by alcoholic drinking.

I still have the Power of Now (along with the Four Agreements) on my nightstand ready to read, though for some reason I've been feeling a bit lazy when it comes to reading lately. Like my brain is a little less tenacious, and is a little more reluctant to tackle some heady subjects. A little effort on my part, a gentle nudge, is probably needed.

Thanks for the invitation to keep up on the journey, I'll do my best to do just that

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Copy/pasted from the AF August thread over in Newbie's Nest...

Day 17 AF. Feeling better today, especially after a day of introspective thought regarding yesterday's emotional rollercoaster. Living life sober certainly is a whirlwind indeed, particularly in these early days/weeks.

The advantages of being sober that I'm experiencing, quite happily, are that I'm finally slowly but steadily losing a bit of weight, while getting stronger (lifting weights), through my ongoing exercise and healthy/clean nutrition that I've stuck with quite well. That spare tire is starting to sliiiiightly shrink And I've had a couple people now comment that I'm looking slimmer, stronger, healthier, so that never hurts.

Mentally/emotionally, doing pretty well, though the lingering sad/anxious emotions still come up and bother me from time to time, like an irritating and persistent gnat in my periferal vision. When that happens I can usually swat it away and continue being (mostly) pretty productive and positive, and not being a hungover mess every other day. Being sober does actually feel quite a lot better than drunk, so I'm happy with my progress.

Best to all!

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull -17- *Awesome*

Skull -it really is "sobering" to read your posts sometimes -honest, straightforward-genuine.

Seems like the more I drank, the more that I felt the world revolved around me. My mind would tell me that they either hate me, they are teaching me a lesson, or some other foolish crap. I have to keep reminding myself that most people are thinking about themselves (in an ok kind of way) and that I am not the center of the universe. Furthermore, when I told just a few folks years ago when I stopped drinking, the reaction was typically "well damn, that's great, you should not have been drinking anyway". Wait, I would think, where are the party hats and celebrations? Don't you know who I am? -what I sacrificed? LOL

We alkies tend to be a "sensitive lot" anyway, so just keep that in mind; I have to every day.

And with my thinking situation, and this still applies today, I was told that most anything that I was thinking was for entertainment purposes only.

Keep posting please -the good, the bad, and the ugly.