Skullbaby's Progress

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

update-

Did 5 days AF recently. Had some significant cravings but was able to overcome them mostly by distracting myself for a while. I'm still at 100mg/day.

On day 6, I got super triggered (more on that below). Had 6 beers hanging out with family and then another 2 at home. Didn't drink much water. Did take my sleep aids as soon as I got home which got me drowsy enough to stop drinking more... went to bed around 2 am. 8 beers is still on the moderately high side for me.

This brings me to a major takeaway- what triggered me so much that night (other than just enjoying getting hammered)? I believe it was actually a form of procrastination, specifically avoiding working on what I had planned to work on- my art project.

This has been a major problem in my life- I have all these great ideas, and talk about them constantly. I talk a big game about the latest project to whoever will listen. I get all excited and start them, but quickly sabotage myself. I have yet to finish... well, any project at all.

I do OK with paid work, because if I don't deliver I don't get paid (and even then, I procrastinate to literally the 11th hour), but with any personal project that I love, I let the momentum fizzle and die. And most times it's because I get fucked up/hungover instead.

So Monday night, I had removed all the pointless tasks (cleaning the studio, etc) that were "in my way". Then, I sat down to actually start work on the sculpture. Guess what? Didn't do a damn thing. Instead, texted family member saying "let's get together for wine!" It was obviously just an excuse to drink. Which was obviously, in itself, an excuse to get away from putting my money where my mouth is and actually getting some work done.

It can be kind of a cliche but I think I am scared of success. Or scared of pursuing it. Scared of putting in the actual work that would be needed.

I feel comfortable when I'm doing the minimum output, just doing work for a paycheck and nothing more... but ultimately creatively unsatisfied. I feel very UN-comfortable when I'm trying to pursue a passion project and have literally abandoned every project I've started for the last 20 years.

So... do I drink to put off work? Or do I put off work because I drink? Chicken or the egg? Either way, I know I need to minimize one and pursue the other. I am hopeful that my bac/nal regimen is the tool that will enable me to frankly, honestly, starkly confront all the triggers and blocks that I've put up in my mind, and work towards breaking through them. I sure can't break through them when I'm getting hammered every other night.

Best to all.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi skull- I'm no expert on finishing projects, but I am an expert on drinking. As far as finishing projects, I'm still a work in process. I have become much better finishing now that I am not drinking. Drinking always gave me an excuse to not finish all the many projects I had started. Drinking helped me to feel ok that I was not finishing all the things I had started.

Congrats on your 5 days. I hope you five yourself a real,shot at removing the firewater from your life. Make baclofen your number one priority for thirty days and rid the alcohol. I know for me that at 60 days -baclofen at 180mg, and alcohol free, I could give a rats ass less about drinking. In fact, drinking was just not useful to me anymore. Still have thoughts about alcohol, but I just can't develop the will power to drink -how damn strange is that for an alcoholic like me to say?

[Colin]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1538694 wrote: In fact, drinking was just not useful to me anymore.

A good way of describing indifference.

[kronkcarr]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hey, skullbabyland,

I appreciate your posts. Your topic of fear of success or failure or procrastination interests me a lot. My guess (from my experience) is that some of it is habit and some of it is fear of being successful. I seem to have opportunities to succeed but somehow feel more comfortable where I'm at. I'm working on that.

How would it go if you just sat down with no project in mind and just started playing at your craft? Wouldn't it be cool to get that childlike pleasure again? Maybe it would feel different if you had no pressure of a project. Let me know what you think and thanks for this thoughtful topic.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update-

Well, had another heavy drinking night. An alarmingly heavy drinking night in fact. Still currently at 100mg/day.

Wednesday- not sure what, if anything, was behind the cravings/decision to drink... except the craving itself. Bought a 6 pack to add to the 4 I already had in the fridge. Came home and loafed on the couch for a couple hours, noticing that I was "procrastinating" drinking, for lack of a better word. I just wasn't too motivated to get started for a couple hours.

Finally decided to jump in. Drank 10 beers fuckin' QUICK. By that time the gf was home and had joined me watching TV so I had 2 glasses of her wine.

I did have my waters and sleep aids, but this time I'm not sure they helped curb the binge/hangover much. Well, actually maybe it'd have been worse had I not. Who knows.

Went to bed at 4am or so.

Also, as much as I haaate to admit it, I again "excused myself" from taking my nal before drinking. As any TSMer knows, this is the most surefire way to sabotage any progress the nal may bring. This makes me so frustrated at myself.

Takeaways from this night-- despite the earlier positive signs, I have to admit to myself that the addict inside me is alive and strong, and still determined to fuck me up. And indifference to alcohol is yet to come, as I'm still drinking against my will. Also, the addict will manipulate me into making decisions that sabotage the treatment.

So, I have to admit that 100mg/day isn't cutting it. I'll need to titrate up. I'll begin by adding another 10mg tomorrow. And when I do drink again, I need to take my nal, and make that shit ironclad and non-negotiable.

I'm also considering jumping in and making the commitment to 30 days AF. It scares me though. I've read that AF stretches can help the bac treatment really take hold, but I seriously don't know how I'd do it if I didn't take Antabuse to take away the decision of whether or not to drink. (If I did decide to go the Antabuse/30 days AF route, I'd obviously need to abstain from drinking at all/taking nal).

We'll see. I'm going to think it all over today and post tomorrow what I decide.

The other big takeaway that has become really apparent in my mind is the issue I talked about before, the issue of drinking to procrastinate. WOW do I do that big time, and not just with drinking. It seems I'd rather do almost anything other than work on my art projects- In addition to getting hammered, I'll marathon TV/movies for hours and hours at a time, I'll sleep, read, hang out online, hanging out on MWO (which I'm giving myself a pass, cuz I view that as positive), and TONS of ebay shopping, which just kills my time and my wallet. These things have almost become addictions in themselves.

I'll even use things that I view as positive to procrastinate, such as exercise, clean/organize, prepare healthy meals, etc. Not that I want to give up these few positive things, but I should also call them for what they are. Positive procrastinations.

It makes me really sad that I've gotten so deep into these things and will do almost anything to neglect my projects, when I used to enjoy my art projects so much. It's excruciatingly disappointing. Oh well I will keep trying. Never give up, never surrender.

Best to all.

[thomas m]

Skullbaby's Progress

If your going to stick with the TSM skull you MUST ALWAYS take your Nal. I went 7 months with top results... missed about 10 days over xmas and even though I started back straight after, I back slid and just couldn't get it back again even after 3 months more TSM. It sounds rough but if your not totally 100% comited I don't really see the point in TSM. You'll never really know if it was working for you. Hence starting Bac.

For a forced 30 AF plan I think Antabuse is the way to go. MY first try at BAc I was planning this as I didn't want to drink on the way up because of the brutal hangovers I'd heard about. Thankfully my drinking stopped drasticly at around 150 but its a great tool I think.

Regarding your few binges... I've had a weeks full. I haven't stopped. I'd to titrate right down and have got up to 60mg this week which isn't high enough to help me with cravings. The morning drinking has creeped in. There's nothing like waking up hung over (still drunk) and having 2-3 cans at your bedside to start the day. Then the vicious circle begins.

I had to brake the binge yesterday as my morning anxiety was creeping in and it would only keep getting worse if I kept it up. Boy did I suffer yesterday... it was brutal. I feel better for it today but I'm already thinking about what to do today

I'm gonna up my dose.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

kronkcarr;1538925 wrote: Hey, skullbabyland,

I appreciate your posts. Your topic of fear of success or failure or procrastination interests me a lot. My guess (from my experience) is that some of it is habit and some of it is fear of being successful. I seem to have opportunities to succeed but somehow feel more comfortable where I'm at. I'm working on that.

How would it go if you just sat down with no project in mind and just started playing at your craft? Wouldn't it be cool to get that childlike pleasure again? Maybe it would feel different if you had no pressure of a project. Let me know what you think and thanks for this thoughtful topic.

Thanks Kronk. In regards to the success/failure/procrastination, I suspect you're right- a lot of habit, years and years of habit in fact. But also I suspect there's underlying emotional issues blocking my progression and contributing to the habit.

In fact, I might actually start working with a "life coach" for lack of a better word, but one who specifically works on untangling the emotional blocks. Sort of a cross between a therapist and a life coach. Sounds maybe a bit cheesy but anything to get some momentum started is good...

As for just playing at the craft with no pressure, I've definitely tried that too-- just having fun sculpting monsters or whatever... but still, having a very hard time getting motivated to do even that. I'm going to keep a close watch on all this...

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

thomas m;1539539 wrote: If your going to stick with the TSM skull you MUST ALWAYS take your Nal. I went 7 months with top results... missed about 10 days over xmas and even though I started back straight after, I back slid and just couldn't get it back again even after 3 months more TSM. It sounds rough but if your not totally 100% comited I don't really see the point in TSM. You'll never really know if it was working for you. Hence starting Bac.

For a forced 30 AF plan I think Antabuse is the way to go. MY first try at BAc I was planning this as I didn't want to drink on the way up because of the brutal hangovers I'd heard about. Thankfully my drinking stopped drasticly at around 150 but its a great tool I think.

Regarding your few binges... I've had a weeks full. I haven't stopped. I'd to titrate right down and have got up to 60mg this week which isn't high enough to help me with cravings. The morning drinking has creeped in. There's nothing like waking up hung over (still drunk) and having 2-3 cans at your bedside to start the day. Then the vicious circle begins.

I had to brake the binge yesterday as my morning anxiety was creeping in and it would only keep getting worse if I kept it up. Boy did I suffer yesterday... it was brutal. I feel better for it today but I'm already thinking about what to do today

I'm gonna up my dose.

Thomas, thanks for the post. I definitely know that taking nal an hour before drinking, 100% of the time, is the golden rule of TSM. Compliance to the rule is what I've found challenging, but I've re-committed to complying to this rule 100%.

How's your recovery going? Are you doing both bac and TSM, or just bac, or? How's your binging/cravings at the moment?

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 101 on bac, Day 5 of which at a dose of 110mg/day.

SE's- first couple days felt loopy, dizzy. A little stoned, but not in a fun "high" way- just kinda dizzy. Seems to have abated now.

Also, as is usually the case, insomnia paired with the short breath thing at night. If I don't take my melatonin/benadryl, it'll keep me up, but those things generally help me sleep through. Additionally, for about a week now, intense pain in my right jaw/temple when I open or bite my jaw. I'm guessing that I'm gritting my teeth at night... could be a bac SE or just a stress response, maybe a side effect of more sober time.

Cravings- still, about once or twice a week, they rear up and overtake me. The other days seem to be cravings free.

That one night of cravings, Saturday night, I drank 11 beers. Definitely high for me.

What I've noticed most about what triggers my cravings, aside from the procrastination stuff I posted recently, is definitely anytime I want to be social with family or friends. It seems boring as watching paint dry to hang with people sober, though I know logically it's not nearly as boring as I'm dreading it'd be. I'll probably enjoy myself significantly moreso than if I got hammered. But the addict voice convinces me otherwise, and I get beer whenever I want to be social.

Something to watch, and to try to work on.

Speaking of working on it, as I said in my last update-- I've decided my choice on the 30 day stretch AF. I'm going to drink tonight with friends, and starting tomorrow, I'm going 30 days AF. I'll most likely need to use Antabuse to make this happen successfully, which I'll start day after tomorrow (thursday) once the hangover is done and alcohol is all out of my system.

So, feels good to make that commitment. This will mean that I'll be sober through my birthday... that'll be interesting. I was considering using that as an excuse to put off my 30 days, but I know it'd be just that... an excuse. I should just man up and dive the fuck into my 30 days, and expect that it'll be tough but do it anyway.

I'll probably post over in the 30 day Abstinent Challenge Thread, too... which seems to have gotten quiet in the last week or so. In fact, it seems like a lot of people have gotten quiet of late. That's OK of course, and I'm happy that there are newbies posting their progress, but I feel like a bac old-timer here on the forum, even though I'm not... just an odd thing I've noticed lately.

One other thing I've noticed is an increase in obsessive thoughts, some of which are aggressive. I'm not sure if it's a product of the bac, or dealing with increased sober time, or even of maybe lifting weights (which I've heard boosts testosterone)... or something else. Or maybe just in my head.

Sometimes, it's obsessive reading/posting on MWO, which I still consider a "healthy obsession" so I'm giving that a pass. But other times, it's less healthy, such as obsessively checking ebay listing, spending too much money on auctions or online shopping, or watching TV shows or some other distraction.

A few times, I've noticed myself having obsessive aggressive thoughts- like experiencing road rage, or just encountering one of life's many assholes. I'm usually a total softie (not a fighter in the least). I am very uncomfortable with confrontation and if I'm honest, when it comes to being "tough", am basically a wuss. I am almost always very polite and well-mannered by default, and treat people with respect. A couple times I've encountered assholes that counter my politeness with rudeness or disrespect, and I feel fuckin' ANGRY. And I feel like getting into something. A verbal altercation, where I can really "stick it to that motherfucker" or in one case even wanted to physically fight.

Even though I've kept my cool and backed off, cuz it's really not worth engaging in those kind of altercations, I've kept replaying the scenarios in my mind, days or weeks later. This is when it becomes not the problem of the asshole who wronged me, but a problem with my own self that I need to address. I have to admit that it's become difficult to have a thick skin, not care as much, and just let things go.

This is something to keep watch on. I'll be carefully monitoring this and perhaps addressing it with a therapist. I'm thinking that I've just got this physical and emotional energy and intensity that's welling up seemingly out of nowhere, and with nowhere positive as an outlet.

I'm considering doing Krav Maga (a highly aggressive Israeli self-defense system) once a week or so just to vent that intense aggression. I just think it might be a good outlet to unleash a bunch of energy on a punching bag. We'll see...

One last thing to update. The last two days I've "had to" (or "chosen to") pull all-nighters to finish work. One was to finish a heavy deadline at work, and the other was to help my mother with a project for her work that I'd previously committed to. I'm happy that I was able to keep my word and see my commitments through, but I did it in an unhealthy way-- basically not getting any sleep for close to 36 hours. This really wrecks me and make me feel edgy and anxious. As someone who usually knows that a healthy sleep routine is crucial to well-being, it was a very solid reminder of why that's important, and what happens when I don't "guard my sleep" and my well-being. Take note, future Skullbaby- plan your time better so that you'll fulfill your obligations within a more healthy time management routine.

I'll update on Thursday when I start my 30 days AF.

Best to all.

[Mandiekinz]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skullbaby, about these obsessions and clearly a total lack of balance...is possibly due to the addict inside you. We put down the bottle or can for a moment and we're left with ourselves...we'll get obsessed over anything. Our addiction shifts and manifests into something different b/c the addiction is still there, the problem is still there, it's just we put down the current "solution".

I do the same thing, I get obsessive over something, I over do it. Then I burn out and have no taste for it and somehow something different manifests and I'm all over that. I start so many different projects or teach myself something new or get glued to the computer for days researching/obsessing. Then *poof* it's gone. I'm done and move on to the next. Nothing ever gets finished. I almost feel like I may be bipolar or something. However, through spending a lot of time with a lot of other alcoholics/addicts...the majority of us all relate on that. In one treatment center, they actually refused to allow me to work out! B/c "that will feed my addiction and I needed to learn balance". We can't comprehend balance very easily.

You're not alone in this. The waves will come and go. The journey of sobriety and life is more like a roller coaster. One of those crazy ones that will sometimes make you scream with this ugly grin on your face right when the picture snaps.

[thomas m]

Skullbaby's Progress

Good choice on the Antabuse Skull imo. You seem to be having to really take it slow and I'd hazard a guess that being sober might really help you get up that little bit quicker.

I'm back up to 120 after coming having to come off Bac last month but 100+ and I start to feel the anti craving effects. I can nearly go just about AF so it makes it all the easier going up.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks Mandie and Thomas for the replies and the thoughtful comments. I'll definitely be writing about those subjects more in detail, particularly the one about the procrastination, random obsessive thoughts, etc.

But for now, an update-

Well, a bumpy week to be sure. AF 5 days or so, but drunk as hell the other two. 11 beers and 12 beers, respectively.

I HAVE been taking my naltrexone, though, and that does help make the binge session a bit more manageable. I get to a point late at night where I decide to cut myself off and usually have a meal and go to bed.

As for bac... well, I do believe that it's helped me out, as I've had stretches of AF time that came easier than previous tries. I do think it's helped cut my cravings, and I do plan to continue on it. But I am going to lessen my dose slightly, because I've been experiencing some new SE's that are scaring me a bit.

In particular, the new SE's are occasional flashes or tingliness shocks in my left hand, a really painful TMJ in the right side of my jaw, and a sense of dizziness in my head that I can't shake.

But more worrisome are the ones related to depression and anxiety-- I've been noticing both. With depression, I've noticed that I'm not particularly happy about much of anything... feel pretty dead to the world. I've also noticed that all I want to do is sleep. Sleep is like the only thing that feels good to me. I sleep in til noon or 1 pm every day-- I know that part of this is due to the sleep aids I take which is to counter the bac insomnia/short breath. They keep me drowsy through the morning. But it's more than that, it's a distinct feeling of being disengaged, cut off, and just uninterested in the world.

The other thing that happened is last night, I woke up two different times with a feeling of anxiety. I was able to sort of self-soothe by telling myself over and over that everything's alright and to go back to sleep, and I was able to do that. My heart and breath raced somewhat, but I was able to calm it all back down consciously. So it seems like not a full-blown panic attack, but certainly I was hit out of the blue with some kind of unexpected anxiety.

I'm definitely aware that these things could be related to my getting sober-- my body or mind going through changes due to less alcohol consumption, learning to live sober or learning to live without the constant flood of delicious poison. But I've gone through AF stretches before, pre-bac, and didn't feel this way.

I've read some scary stories on MWO of bac SE's such as these becoming unmanageable. No, I'm not listening to the trolls, and no, I'm not letting myself fly off the handle and drop my treatment or anything-- I'm going to stay the course, but I'm going to be watching everything very closely and fine tuning everything as best I can.

So, I'm going to fine-tune my bac dosage, and ease it back very very slightly and very very slowly. Like a snail's pace. I was at 110 this week when experiencing these SE's and I'm thinking I'll go down just 5 mg per week til I'm back at 80 mg and then sit there for a while and see how cravings feel vs. SE's, mood, etc.

EDIT- I do realize that I'm at a dosage that's still considered low by many... but what can I say, the drug affects me how it affects me.

I've also decided to post over in the 30 Day Abstinence Challenge, starting today. I'll be using Antabuse to take away the choice to drink at all for 30 days, and with this AF time hopefully give the bac more time to take hold over cravings.

Best to all.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update-

Well, today marks Day 7 AF. I've been slooooowly titrating down on bac, and as of today I'm at 100mg. I'm going to slightly lessen to somewhere between 100 and 80, and don't think I'll go below 80. At least that's what I'm shooting for- an ongoing maintenance dose of 80mg. If cravings significantly increase, then I'll increase bac as needed.

Also as I've mentioned before I've decided to take Antabuse to aid in a stretch of (at least) 30 days AF. I've already felt it helping me- I had a family dinner last Sunday in which I felt my resolve just disappear- I know with 99% certainty I would have just drank through the dinner if not for the Antabuse that I took, which took the decision to drink out of my hands. It also resolved some anxiety over drinking- I simply couldn't, so I was able to just enjoy the dinner, conversation, and homemade lemonade. Not "oh my god this is hilarious and awesome so much fun getting drunk" fun, but laid back and enjoyable. Which I actually found I preferred.

As for the week, I've been feeling good so far... better each day. Less cloudy, more alive and present. The first couple days I have experienced some irritability and anger/stress, mostly related to rude people on the road, at the theater, etc. I've just found that I can't abide rude people, I just think they suck. Respect, gratitude, and common decency are something I expect in people (where appropriate), and lack of those things really sets me off. But what am I gonna do, rage in their face? Just have to shake it off and move on as best I can. Easier said than done, sometimes. But it's getting better.

I also suspect that it seems compounded by the fact that I live in my own bubble. I work from home, do art projects (or procrastinate on them) from home, and really only hang out with my gf, family, and occasional friends. I don't go out in the world that much, though I know I should more often. When I do, I am sometimes unpleasantly surprised/horrified by how shitty people can be.

Oh well I can't control any of them, I can only control myself. Not worth getting worked up over. Breathe, Skullbaby, breathe.

But, I have noticed more calmness/happiness as the days have passed. I think I really want to find ways to self-calm/soothe/relax. I'm going to call about Krav Maga so I have a physical outlet. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist to have a mental/emotional outlet. And I'm thinking of trying to add meditation to my day as well, though I don't have much practice in it, so I've gotta read up on how to do "meditation for beginners".

All in all, I'm happy that I'm AF. I worry about the seemingly inevitable return of the cravings that will overtake me and I'll make a "plan" to drink, and go off my Antabuse in anticipation of it. I sometimes find my mouth literally salivating at the fleeting thought of beer- literally a Pavlovian response moreso than an actual mental or emotional desire. lol. But that's what the bac is for and I just gotta trust that it's working (I do feel less cravings than I used to so I believe it is).

As for SE's, they're pretty minute at the moment. Very slight insomnia/short breath still from time to time, but I hardly notice it when I take my sleep aids. As of last night I was able to get a full night's sleep while taking one less benadryl, which was nice. I was up by 8:30 am, and happy to be hangover free and ready to take on the day.

Best to all!

[emily]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1541785 wrote: But more worrisome are the ones related to depression and anxiety-- I've been noticing both. With depression, I've noticed that I'm not particularly happy about much of anything... feel pretty dead to the world. I've also noticed that all I want to do is sleep. Sleep is like the only thing that feels good to me. I sleep in til noon or 1 pm every day-- I know that part of this is due to the sleep aids I take which is to counter the bac insomnia/short breath. They keep me drowsy through the morning. But it's more than that, it's a distinct feeling of being disengaged, cut off, and just uninterested in the world.

The other thing that happened is last night, I woke up two different times with a feeling of anxiety. I was able to sort of self-soothe by telling myself over and over that everything's alright and to go back to sleep, and I was able to do that. My heart and breath raced somewhat, but I was able to calm it all back down consciously. So it seems like not a full-blown panic attack, but certainly I was hit out of the blue with some kind of unexpected anxiety.

I'm definitely aware that these things could be related to my getting sober-- my body or mind going through changes due to less alcohol consumption, learning to live sober or learning to live without the constant flood of delicious poison. But I've gone through AF stretches before, pre-bac, and didn't feel this way.

Hey Skull, first of all, well done on your abstinence challenge, keep going, it passes really quick and makes such a difference.

I've also noticed a depression and anxiety and a feeling of being completely disengaged from others, cut off, not feeling happy about anything. Wow, when I read that, you nailed exactly how I've been feeling.

I'm down to 60 mg, going to make that my maintenance dose so I'm thinking it's not Bac but it's, as you said, the mind and body is going through changes and having to face life without numbing out with alcohol.

For me I think the cut off feeling is I'm actually cut off from myself, hence me reading The Power of Now - I'm trying to connect with myself again and by watching the mechanics of how the mind works and causes anxiety and depression as discussed in this book is really helping.

I highly recommend this book to you especially if you are getting into meditation. I'm also a beginner.

Also get what you mean about panicking that cravings are hitting you. Your 30 days will help with this - you will be working in partnership with bac and this will help you break the habit. I was in a shop the other day and thought about buying one of those small bottles of wine, you know, one glass. For a few seconds I felt a craving for it - we're talking a one glass bottle of wine here, what am I worried about, seriously) Anyways, I firmly said no to myself and then forgot all about it - so my thinking is that these type of mini-cravings will hit but you now have a choice - does that make sense?

I managed around 40 days AF and since then have only had max 2 glasses of wine at any time. Was out for dinner with friends (took the disconnected, cut off feeling right to the table with me!!) had a small glass of wine (would normally have always had a large) and then had a second and left half of it. Isn't that amazing!!

So keep going, it only works

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

HI Skull -Great Job!!!

Skull -great job on the AF days. I had such major depressive episodes my first 30 days that I thought I was going to explode. I just kept believing what a few folks on MWO kept saying; I would not regret my decision to be af 30 to 60 days down the road. Skull, I don't know exactly when or how it happened and just don't really care; but I became totally indifferent to alcohol. In fact, alcohol and the resulting effects became quite repulsive. My few experiments led me to realize that I do not have to be afraid of being around alcohol -the damned beast was no longer my master. Yes, I have a whole lot of crap that I am having to deal with now as a result of my former sickness, but at least I am here and "having" to deal.

Skull, I think I know where you are trying to go. Once you pass the 60-ish day +/-, you will be amazed beyond belief -in my opinion. If you are not amazed at this point, what have you lost in trying? I do wish you the courage and peace to continue giving yourself a real shot at the af life. (Try not to put too many boundaries on your Baclofen intake-just a thought)