Skullbaby's Progress

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

neophyte;1582640 wrote: skull, i think its worth going up in bac like others have suggested, for me 85mg a day didnt do squat except reduce cravings a tiny bit. I guess i probably shoudlnt have called my switch so early. i definitely do feel pretty damn indifferent, but its probably better i give it a few weeks especially after last weeks blunder of passing out on the floor after only drinking just over a bottle of wine. something just kind of clicked with the last dosage increase. its interesting how baclofen floors you when you drink, it makes the whole drinking thing pretty unplesant.

when you drink on antabuse, do you stop taking it before you plan on drinking?

I can understand why you wnated to drink for the party though, i dont think i would be at the stage where i would want to be at a party if i couldnt drink, those situations above all others are when i NEED my alcohol to enjoy being stuck in a situation where my anxiety goes through the roof. The thing is with a plan to drink on day x, you rationalise to yourself, well im drinking tomorrow so why not today? i guess thats what happeend to you and i would have done the exact same thing, so i wouldnt beat yourself up over it.

you've been on bac along time, are the SE too much you find it hard to go over 85mg?

Neo- Yep when I drink, I make sure to stop Antabuse about 10 days before the day that I'm "safe" to drink. Talk about planning ahead... lol. Even addicts can be organized, apparently...

As for bac SE's, I do find the insomnia excrutiating and the other SE's very irritating, but I'm hoping they'll be less so as I go up this time. May just have to power through it regardless.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Ukblonde;1582858 wrote: Lovin' all of this. I remember buying specialist ciders but towards the end I didn't soil such things with my mouth. I kept a really nice, expensive bottle of wine for my brother's Christmas present whilst I drank cheaper stuffs. Dwelling I found was no good in the early days, only made me worse. Starting with a clean slate, then only looking back when you are strong enough might be a good idea. I can look back now and think, jees what that me, thank goodness I'm fixed I'm never going back there.

Perhaps you need to push on high with the baclofen and just get on with it.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking and planning on. Though, even with its limited successes and failures, I do consider this whole long process over the last 6 months as a part of "getting on with it"-- maybe one of the most valuable parts. I've been learning to live sober, which I haven't ever really done, at least not as an adult. It really is a brand new paradigm. I was thinking yesterday about how much alcohol ruled my life. Like, I didn't look forward to night with friends- I looked forward to getting fucked up with friends. I didn't look forward to Thanksgiving dinner- I looked forward to getting fucked up on Thanksgiving. The alcohol was very romanticized and in the forefront, the dominant factor, of everything I looked forward to. Even the dark parts-- I'd get fucked up and sad, wallowing in sad music, books, or movies... and romanticizing the sadness, and even taking comfort in the sadness if that makes sense. I was a little happy when I was sad.

But, I got to the point where enough was more than fucking enough. In the words of one of my favorite bands, "Eliminate that stupid notion of living in unbearable pain". Nowadays, I'm learning to find joy in things without it- the pain, the alcohol, the sadness-- and that feels strange, new, surprising, and fills me with hope.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1572231 wrote:
As I have discovered, I KNOW THAT I HAVE ONE MORE DRUNK LEFT IN ME, I JUST DONT KNOW IF I WILL HAVE ANOTHER RECOVERY LEFT IN ME.

Spirit, I'm loving this quote. I'll remember that, I like this perspective. Thanks

[YouKayBee]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1582940 wrote: Spirit, I'm loving this quote. I'll remember that, I like this perspective. Thanks

Learning to live sober is something the meds can give you space to do, and it is hard work. Just that final bit to do now.

Oh gawd the maudlin' (as we call it here). I used to cry to Leonard Cohen...........went to see him live recently, I think I was 6 weeks totally AF and when they played on particular song, well the tears started but I really enjoyed the remainder of the concert. All this stuff out there to experience.:goodjob:

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

I used to listen to a lot of Leonard Cohen, too... such sad, melancholy songs. Beautiful but sad...

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Quick update- I thought it was worth mentioning, for anyone interested, that I've switched to a once- a- day dose. I used to break them up to 2 doses but I kept forgetting to take the pm dose, even with a pill box and an alarm set on my phone. I tolerate doses fairly well at this point so I thought I'd just try the whole dose in the morning, along with all my supplements, and it seems to be just fine, I haven't noticed any increase in any specific SE's. I expect as I titrate up, I'll get some somnolence again, but taking the dose in the morning is also when I have my 3 cups of coffee, so hopefully that'll balance out fine.

[kronkcarr]

Skullbaby's Progress

Such good topics here. When I over drank I really rarely liked the taste. I'd just drink the first couple down and then I'd be buzzed and really couldn't taste the booze. Abnormal much?!

UKblonde is right about letting go of the self beatings. A little self compassion goes a long way. After 3 months on bac I started loving myself. It just happened one night. After 11 months I'm so grateful for this SE of bac. I am amazed and I feel wonderful knowing I have value. It's hard for me to explain. I'm not taking people's mistreatment, I'm minding my business--as you've said--I think I've become an adult. It's not bad like I thought it'd be.

I'll be looking to see how it goes for you with your titrating and your dosing schedule.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi Skull -You know the great thing with you right now -you are not quitting the effort to be AF. How cool. Maybe you now have a taste of what it is like to be AF and you know that you can deal with reality on a sober basis -or maybe, that is what I discovered for myself.

I think one thing that a lot of us forget here on MWO is the fact that -although we are AF and have a new leash on life, we still think alcoholically. Yes, a generalized term but true in many respects. With all habits, it just takes time to break them. The miracle of baclofen is the fact that we become free enough from our repetitive thoughts to address our thoughts in a civilized manner (at least sometimes). Many an alcoholic experience OCD regarding negative self-talk. We bash ourselves relentlessly until we ...well, drink or somehow change our thought pattern. For me, baclofen has allowed the self bashing to subside -but for me, this only started occurring at the 150mg+ level. I see where many others are successful at much lower doses.

Just a thought.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Great thoughts, Spirit- I relate to what you're saying. Thinking alcoholically is in many ways the biggest challenge for me. The cravings I can handle, via baclofen, but the thoughts/mental habit is tough. That's why the Antabuse is a good pairing for me, to take the mental chatter away.

That frees me up to live sober, which is no easy task-- it's a new way to live that I'm still getting used to. i suspect it'll take me a while, but I'm actually enjoying it.

And as far as keeping my efforts-- yeah. I may stumble, fall, mess up, but I'll always get back up and keep trying. Never give in, never surrender. That's good enough.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Quick update. Day 202 of baclofen- currently at 85 mg/day, going up to 90 tomorrow. 125mg Ab per day. Day 16 AF.

Just taking a moment to note a couple things. Recently I've had small drinking-habit-thoughts hit me out of nowhere... then I have to remind myself that it's not an option bc of the AB. I think to myself, "would I go get beer right now if not for the AB?" If I'm honest, the answer is usually yes. So, for now the AB continues to be a great safeguard.

Otherwise, enjoying my healthy life quite a bit right now. Good nutrition, mood, momentum. Momentum is key. Momentum is everything.

Unlike Halloween, in which I looked forward to giving myself a "pass" to drink, I'm keeping the perspective of sobriety forefront in my mind regarding Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up. Having committed to 90 days AF, that includes both those holidays, (including the Christmas parties, and New Years'). So, I'll be having my first completely sober holiday season in probably 16 years. I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to it! It helps that I'll be keeping those days as "cheat days" for meals/desserts/junk food, since I've otherwise been so Spartan in my diet. So they'll still be a treat.

Best to all.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi Skull -great to hear about your positive "momentum" You are probably spot-on about the AB though that would not be my choice (I would play a game with myself not to take the AB so that I could drink-lol, but true). I've only had a few AF holidays ( a few years ago) and I never remember waking up the next day wishing that I had drank the day before. Still, the holidays do present a challenge even if I am not craving or wanting to drink -old habits die hard.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Spirit- too true, buddy. What are the challenges you speak of, if not cravings for alcohol?

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull -the Challenges I am talking about during the holidays (prob a good thread topic) are:
1. First, its the holidays. Just damn, as an alcoholic, I am suppose to drink -I am suppose to chase the euphoric high from those first two or three drinks. And what about the alcohol for that little extra social lube to help comingle at holiday parties? And therein lies the problem -it is not just going to be two or three. And now with baclofen in my system, there is no more euphoria from drinking, even if I did guzzle a few. With that said, I have to remember how I love waking up in the mornings sober, no regrets -no remorse. Maybe that buzz-high is not so grand after all?

2. Other Challenges at Holidays -The biggie -Just hanging around family members. No, they are not bad people. Some are just people who get on my nerves. I don't like small talk and don't like getting in somewhat heated discussions with family members about things that really don't make a crap anyway. I am as guilty as they are. We set bait for the others hoping that we can draw the other into "discussion". And then someone always gets pissed. Just like..bla.bla. So, a "little" alcohol could sure come in handy to calm me down when around family? Again, the thought of what alcohol presents a false reality of pleasantness and calmness. This year, I think I will choose to take an extra bac and walk away from the controversial discussions and I will leave the room when we start reminiscing (lol). I think Firewater causes me to make the family situation sound more drastic than what is reality.

Sorry for the ramble but it sure seems to help me hear myself sound out about the ridiculousness of any possible positive effects from alcohol.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1586857 wrote: Skull -the Challenges I am talking about during the holidays (prob a good thread topic) are:
1. First, its the holidays. Just damn, as an alcoholic, I am suppose to drink -I am suppose to chase the euphoric high from those first two or three drinks. And what about the alcohol for that little extra social lube to help comingle at holiday parties? And therein lies the problem -it is not just going to be two or three. And now with baclofen in my system, there is no more euphoria from drinking, even if I did guzzle a few. With that said, I have to remember how I love waking up in the mornings sober, no regrets -no remorse. Maybe that buzz-high is not so grand after all?

2. Other Challenges at Holidays -The biggie -Just hanging around family members. No, they are not bad people. Some are just people who get on my nerves. I don't like small talk and don't like getting in somewhat heated discussions with family members about things that really don't make a crap anyway. I am as guilty as they are. We set bait for the others hoping that we can draw the other into "discussion". And then someone always gets pissed. Just like..bla.bla. So, a "little" alcohol could sure come in handy to calm me down when around family? Again, the thought of what alcohol presents a false reality of pleasantness and calmness. This year, I think I will choose to take an extra bac and walk away from the controversial discussions and I will leave the room when we start reminiscing (lol). I think Firewater causes me to make the family situation sound more drastic than what is reality.

Sorry for the ramble but it sure seems to help me hear myself sound out about the ridiculousness of any possible positive effects from alcohol.

Man, Spirit, I feel ya brother. I know both of the things of which you speak all too well.

Regarding holiday parties, alcohol as social lubricant- yeah I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it. The last weekend I missed it greatly, as the party without it got boring quickly. I was there for hours and it was tough to keep a fun social vibe when I just wanted to go. That should pass, though, as I get more comfortable sober time under my belt... though sometimes, a party is just fuckin' boring no matter if you're drinking or not, and I think this was one of them. Of course then, I'd be tempted to drink just to get through it, and therein lies the problem. For me, it's either chase the high to aleviate boredom (with all the problems that comes with that), or nothing.

Even the few times I've drank in moderation were... well, boring. Drinking slowly, in moderation, for me, is BORING AS HELL. Therefore I'd chase the high at a sprinter's pace. Much better, for me, to just choose health and deal with the boring or frustrating parts best I can.

Sounds like you've got a good plan for avoiding unproductive or explosive topics with family, Spirit- walking away, and being nice as ya can, will serve you well and create better family memories. Best of luck to you for your holidays, man!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 27 AF. Day 214 on baclofen, at 90mg/day and 125mg/day antabuse.

(Some parts copied/pasted from my Fitness thread)

Well, been away for a while. Last Wednesday, I got Lasik surgery done! It's been a long-time goal of mine to do it and it's finally done, and successful- I now have 20/15 vision (better than 20/20). No more glasses. Clear, clean, HD sight. It rocks.

The challenge there was to keep healthy during the recovery. They gave me Valium for the procedure plus Vicodin for the pain. I enjoyed that a little too much, and while I didn't drink at all during the recovery, I did give myself a pass to smoke, just cuz I wanted to make a nice buzz feel even better. Then, even when the Valium and Vicodin were gone, I just kept smoking. So, for the past week I've been smoking a half pack a day. BOOOOO!

I was instructed also by my doctor to do no strenuous exercise for a week after. So, no lifting. I've been mostly keeping to my healthy diet with the exception of a long-planned early Thanksgiving celebration with friends, in which I indulged in treats (and smokes) all weekend.

Unfortunately I have one more TG dinner to go to tomorrow so there's no way I'm getting out of more feasting without some serious scrutiny from the GF and friends. Truly I'd like to just not go, seeing as I've already had one, but whatever, it's cool. I'll just enjoy the dinner, the pie, etc., and just get back to healthy living on Friday. It's good to not be TOO control freaky about all this, and enjoy some celebratory meals from time to time.

The main thing is, I'm still not drinking, and won't drink throughout the holidays. So I'm still considering my life a pretty good success, since that's the most important battle for me.

I'll check in Friday with an update before getting back to my healthy routine.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Best to all