Skullbaby's Progress

[YouKayBee]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1593528 wrote: Feeling crappy today. I had lots of dreams of haunting memories of the past that didn't actually happen, just lots of what ifs, embarrassing and shameful thoughts and dreams, alienating others, etc. Then woke up and had to shake all that off. It seems obvious that I still have stuff to work on mentally and emotionally. I suppose I always will to some degree.

But I'm trying to shake it off and say tell myself to leave the past in the past. Go forth bravely in my new day and be unencumbered by my old nonsense, as Emerson would say. Sometimes, easier said than done. Sometimes my brain wants to wallow in old pain.

Fuck that, soldier- drop that nonsense right now and move forward.

This must be wierd for you, have you tried analysing them and your feelings afterwards?I think dreams are very important.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

neophyte;1593546 wrote: hey skull this is me also to a T. i wake up, doze for a bit and i think about my recent life mistakes over nad over and over. i try to say these are good things because they brought me to this forum and being AF.

As i said in the other thread, its when i reach for opiates. i get this almost everyday when i wake up. I hope it goes away with time.

I write this at 4:30 having just woken in that state of mind. i took my bac and codiene and went straight back to bed. once it kicks in, i wont even be high, but the demon thoughts will be at bay.

I'm looking at better ways to resolve this, i have a book on CBT i was going to read, and i was thinking of doing some intense cardio for 30 mins when i wake up instead of using drugs, but ive never been a morning cardio guy, but other than that ive been using drugs to keep the demons at bay in the morning. Im hoping AF time will eventually make this go away.

but congratulations on your 30 days, i remember i relented on day 33. and i instantly regretted it. the hangover was incredibly bad and i didnt enjoy the drinking at all. the drinking that followed was patchy, i still didnt crave as much but old habits were still there. Lucky you have some AB to keep you in check, if you decide on having a drink, you know htat you need to take 2 weeks off to be able to do that, which should give you some time to realise thats a bad idea.

keep us updated, keep posting

Yeah, Neo- sounds like we have many similar challenges. The tendency to self-torture with shame, embarrassment, reliving past, both real and imagined mistakes and blunders (and oftentimes grossly overexaggerated in our head), can be so excrutiating.

Remember this, Neo, when your head is torturing you-- this quote always helps me with perspective. Ralph Waldo Emerson- "Finish Each Day..."

It's really important, I think, to train the conscious, logical mind to discipline and train the subconscious mind. Like, to enjoy and use its creativity and wisdom but also realize that it can be a very childlike entity and sometimes what is needed is boundaries, discipline, and order. The Power of Now explains this concept well, that you are not necessarily the sum of your thoughts and feelings-- and they can be, instead of your master, your tools to be focused and trained.

To do so, I think books like the Power of Now and tools like CBT are very helpful and very powerful. I also think that periods of counseling and therapy are very very beneficial, now matter how "well" or how "fucked up" we think we are. It's just a crazy world out there and just like anything else, our mind needs a tune up from time time.

At any rate, I'm going to be looking into two areas this week- I'm going to be searching out a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist of some kind, and also seeking out a life/career coach. One to help me process hurts/wounds/emotions and one to help me set and stay active with goals moving forward. Or, I may be able to find both in one person- I've heard of psychiatrist/life/career coaches all in one. Either way, it's time to get some fuckin' work done, and the best way for me to do that, other than continuing to remain sober, is to get help processing the old and staying on track with the new.

I actually sat down yesterday and imagined what I want to do with the next 10 years of my life. I made a document of 1, 2, 5, and 10 year goals. Instead of flying on autopilot, as I have my whole life-- where do I see myself 10 years from now, for instance, at 48 years of age? I'm 37 now and 40 is right around the corner. I'm not getting any younger, and I have some things I want to do, but I'm historically pretty shitty at getting them done. So just like I hired a trainer to get me started working out, i'm going to do the same in hiring a trainer for my career/life goals. Just help me get some fuckin' momentum.

As for Antabuse, Neo-- don't forget that you, too, could use it as a tool if you desire. It's really a great relief to stop the monkey chatter in my head for weeks at a time.
Plus, I actually feel really empowered whenever I pop an Antabuse pill- it essentially feels like pre-emptively gifting myself strength for a later time, in which I know strength reserves will be very low.

Or, to use a metaphor- it feels like putting on a helmet now because I know that soon, very soon, the arrows will be flying right at my head, and I won't necessarily be able to see them clearly or deflect them... and they may not kill me but they'll almost certainly do some real damage. Thus, I put on the helmet and armor now so that I may live healthy through a battle I KNOW is coming.

If that makes any sense.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Interesting and random- I actually forgot if I was 37 or 38 years old, LOL, so I did an age calculator. Interesting to see how many days I've lived (almost 14 thousand). Interesting to see-

Age Calculators

[Alky]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi SBL, been meaning to comment here for some time, but I've just been slammed with work. Interesting that you've combined antabuse with the bac. I posted a thread here a while back about combining campral with bac since I still have a prescription and can order refills for cheap from Canada. I know there's a lot of people here who doubt the efficacy of campral, but it really did help me stay abstinent at times. It just didn't help during times of stress. Like you, my goal is abstinence (now that I know I've hit the switch, or am close to it) and am wondering if campral can give me that little extra push to go completely AF. I have about a week's supply left, but I don't want to go back on it unless I'm going to stay on it for some time.

[spuddleduck]

Skullbaby's Progress

hi skulbaby I've just started reading this thread. a lot of interesting stuff here to read and digest .thanks

[spuddleduck]

Skullbaby's Progress

just had several cups of coffee and read through thread. some great thoughts here. skulbaby you.have put perfectly into words how i am and feel with drink. interesting experiment on Halloween.. kinda thing i.would do. but can i learn a lesson from this. i will keep reading back over this. thanks and please keep updating.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Alky;1594591 wrote: Hi SBL, been meaning to comment here for some time, but I've just been slammed with work. Interesting that you've combined antabuse with the bac. I posted a thread here a while back about combining campral with bac since I still have a prescription and can order refills for cheap from Canada. I know there's a lot of people here who doubt the efficacy of campral, but it really did help me stay abstinent at times. It just didn't help during times of stress. Like you, my goal is abstinence (now that I know I've hit the switch, or am close to it) and am wondering if campral can give me that little extra push to go completely AF. I have about a week's supply left, but I don't want to go back on it unless I'm going to stay on it for some time.

Hi Alky- Thanks for posting. I don't have any experience with Campral but sounds like you had some success with it, so that's cool. You could always try Antabuse later if Campral doesn't work for you this time. Good luck and keep us posted.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spuddleduck;1595931 wrote: just had several cups of coffee and read through thread. some great thoughts here. skulbaby you.have put perfectly into words how i am and feel with drink. interesting experiment on Halloween.. kinda thing i.would do. but can i learn a lesson from this. i will keep reading back over this. thanks and please keep updating.

Glad that my thread had some worthwhile stuff for you, Spud. I'll keep updating for sure, it keeps me on track. Keep us updated on your end too!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 227 on bac/100mg. 125mg AB. Day 40 AF.

Man, the last couple days I've felt really on-edge. I've felt frustrated and like, anger boiling just under the surface. I also was aware of a general feeling of anxiety this morning... I just felt kind of afraid... of nothing at all. Of life... of the world.

I went up to 100mg bac yesterday and I wonder if these feelings are SE's. They're not too big a deal, I can deal with them, but they're definitely noticable. This is the reason that I go so slow with titration. I fear them growing out of control, becoming overwhelming. Thus I need to keep a very close eye on them.

Otherwise, I'd say things are going well. December proceeds sober as I'd planned. I still have occasional thoughts of "damn, wish I could have like 10 beers and junk food and smokes" lol. I even still literally salivate a lot when having those thoughts. But, they're becoming less frequent. It seems that this sober life is becoming a new norm. It does seem to just be more like, the accepted way of life. So that's nice.

I also am having some anxiety around family visits during the holidays, particularly my GF's family. They've got a lot of problems and are hard to be around. Very socially awkward and lots of negative conflicted feelings and bad history. And we have to spend 5 days at a cabin with them. They're good people and my GF loves them but they're hard to be around. So, guess how my mind wants to spend those 5 days? I keep finding myself thinking "maybe I should just say fuck it and drink, at least that'd make the time go faster and I'd have some fun. Or at least ease the pain". But of course that's a lie- all the hangover days would make the anxiety tons worse and make the trip tons worse. I'd be in a much higher state of anxiety whenever I wasn't drinking. Even now part of me is like "well, just stay drunk the whole 5 days". And part of me likes that idea.

But, I made a commitment to 90 days. I'm trying to be true to my word (The first of the Four Agreements), even and especially to myself. If I make a commitment or a promise, I do my best to see it through. So, that means Nov, Dec, Jan all sober. (And maybe onwards past that). I'm just about right in the halfway point of that block of time. Sigh. Sometimes being an adult isn't easy or fun.

But I'm learning that it's ultimately more fullfilling. I'll feel better overall if I keep my word and stay sober. I'll feel better about myself in January. I'll probably ultimately have a better trip even with the GF's family.

I've also got a side project that I'll be bringing with me when travelling for the holidays. An art project in which I'm drawing five comic pages for an upcoming anthology collection, that should serve as a nice excuse when I want a couple hours away from socializing with family- I can just retire to my room to draw for a while. That should be a good coping mechanism.

Got a few other things going on that I'll detail over in my fitness thread- Best to all.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hey Skull-

I love your honesty and how well spoken you are. You are basically talking yourself out of drinking which I find really inspiring. My inlaws driving me fucking nuts to put it mildly but my husband has been kind lately in making an effort to give me space. I think he feels it helps with my progress which it does.

So proud of you for picking such difficult months to go AF. As know I'm using the Nal and I know I couldn't commit to such a feat this month. My birthday is Xmas eve always an excuse to me to drink. I have a birthday month as my husband calls it. I am already thinking about how I would like to not drink on Xmas eve and have a wonderful morning with my family. Thinking.

I am going to read back thru your past posts as I have only been thru just a few recent ones. I sure hope Nal works for me. Thanks for stopping by Spud & I's thread once in awhile.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

I posted this over in the Abstinence Challenge thread and thought I'd copy/paste it here just so it's "on the record".

"Thanks Mandie. As for certain goals... All I know is that I've made a solid commitment to 90 days AF. My hope is once I get there to extend that to 120.

During my last stretch of AF time, I made it 67 days. I felt like a million bucks by that point. Strong, solid, steady. Then, I allowed myself to be derailed due to upcoming parties/social gatherings. I went straight back to my old drinking, which told me that I'll need to go higher in bac dosage to hit my switch. But it also showed me the stark contrast of what my life could be vs. what it is when drinking. When I drink, my life is just... shit. It feels like being a hardcore junkie where all I care about is the fix, as my life unravels around me. Sick, depressed, hopeless, numb. Barely alive.

When sober, I've got a fighting chance to be a strong man. And scary as that seems to me in some ways, that's what I desparately want to be. I know I can, but I know I can only do it sober. So that's the major reasons behind my 90 (120?) days. Well, that, plus it coincides nicely with my health/weight loss goals

Sometime after that 120 days, when I'm significantly higher on my bac dose, I'll experiment with alcohol again-- see if anything's changed. If there's the possibility of drinking moderately/socially then of course that'd be nice and I'd like it. Maybe it'll be an option, maybe not. But that's for the future- for now, the large stretch of AF time is paramount.

But, I digress. PS, I can commiserate on the chain smoking... for a couple weeks I went back to sweet, lovely, delicious, toxic cigarettes. It was a comfort and a "friend". I've been back off them for a couple weeks now but sometimes I crave them enough that I'm thiiiiiis close to running out and buying a pack. I think to myself "look I'm being good with everything else, smoking won't hurt me". Haha, one of the top killers in the USA and I think it won't hurt me. Addiction can be hilarious.

There's something to be said though for tackling one addiction at a time, certainly... but for now I'm trying to do all or nothing. It makes me pretty boring, but that's ok "

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

bkyogagurl;1598248 wrote: Hey Skull-

I love your honesty and how well spoken you are. You are basically talking yourself out of drinking which I find really inspiring. My inlaws driving me fucking nuts to put it mildly but my husband has been kind lately in making an effort to give me space. I think he feels it helps with my progress which it does.

So proud of you for picking such difficult months to go AF. As know I'm using the Nal and I know I couldn't commit to such a feat this month. My birthday is Xmas eve always an excuse to me to drink. I have a birthday month as my husband calls it. I am already thinking about how I would like to not drink on Xmas eve and have a wonderful morning with my family. Thinking.

I am going to read back thru your past posts as I have only been thru just a few recent ones. I sure hope Nal works for me. Thanks for stopping by Spud & I's thread once in awhile.

Hi, BK- thanks for posting. I'm glad you're finding value in my thread. As to your points-

I know what you're saying about me talking myself out of drinking, and that's a large part of it- basically the discussion and the journaling here on MWO is the talk therapy part of it- aside from the support, it serves to get my thoughts organized and plans in place via talking it out and getting feedback.

I'd say much more important in my experience, though, is the action of taking the medications I need to inhibit the cravings and habits. All the talk in the world wouldn't be enough if I didn't have those meds in my bloodstream to mitigate those cravings and habits. The combination of bac and AB is so far the only thing that's worked for me. It keeps me safe and ENABLES me to do the talking part of it here. Without them, I wouldn't be doing much talking... I know this because my history has told me so again and again.

Good for you for giving Nal a shot- I know many people have found great success with it. UKB is an exceptional support and I'm sure you know how important adherance and patience are with TSM. I wish you best of luck with it! If you know you ARE going to drink, such as like with your December/Birthday month, best to do it with Nal! Keep us updated.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1598915 wrote: I'd say much more important in my experience, though, is the action of taking the medications I need to inhibit the cravings and habits. All the talk in the world wouldn't be enough if I didn't have those meds in my bloodstream to mitigate those cravings and habits. The combination of bac and AB is so far the only thing that's worked for me. It keeps me safe and ENABLES me to do the talking part of it here. Without them, I wouldn't be doing much talking... I know this because my history has told me so again and again.

Hi Skull -Great information you are passing on. In my case, you are 100% spot on about the combination, and for me that includes the meds, meditation, support communication, exercise, nutrition, and non-work related fun. My biggest challenge is down time and how to just not do anything.

It's great to see you walking your talk -very difficult for most of us (as you know). Thanks for posting

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi Skull-

I'm feeling a little lonely on my thread so I thought I would stop in again. I like reading here.
It's great to remember that the meds/counsel/plain determination are all part of progress here.

I am really feeling like Nal is helping me- I had a phenomenal week for drink #'s with only 12 this week. I am feeling kind of down tho for some reason. Family seem to bring me down a bit with drama that seems to always be looming. I think I will go for a run and clear my head a little. I don't want to be a bummer here on your thread. Check back in later.

Good day to you and all.

[YouKayBee]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1598915 wrote: Hi, BK- thanks for posting. I'm glad you're finding value in my thread. As to your points-

I know what you're saying about me talking myself out of drinking, and that's a large part of it- basically the discussion and the journaling here on MWO is the talk therapy part of it- aside from the support, it serves to get my thoughts organized and plans in place via talking it out and getting feedback.

I'd say much more important in my experience, though, is the action of taking the medications I need to inhibit the cravings and habits. All the talk in the world wouldn't be enough if I didn't have those meds in my bloodstream to mitigate those cravings and habits. The combination of bac and AB is so far the only thing that's worked for me. It keeps me safe and ENABLES me to do the talking part of it here. Without them, I wouldn't be doing much talking... I know this because my history has told me so again and again.

Good for you for giving Nal a shot- I know many people have found great success with it. UKB is an exceptional support and I'm sure you know how important adherance and patience are with TSM. I wish you best of luck with it! If you know you ARE going to drink, such as like with your December/Birthday month, best to do it with Nal! Keep us updated.

Just feeling safe, received and unjudged can be enough for you to work things out for yourself and is the best therapy. In my opinion meds like baclofen and Nal give you the break from the physical addiction, so you can sort out the rest.