Skullbaby's Progress

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 56 AF. Day 243 on bac, currently at 105mg. Also 125mg/Antabuse/day.

Well, I'm seeing now why people get so fuckin' stressed over the holidays. I'm sure I did too but I'd always drowned myself in alcohol just to deal with it all. We're at my mom's house and clearly imposing-- there are family members here that don't approve of our presence- everything we do just clearly irritates and offends them in their quiet passive-aggressive way. My mom is a joy but there are others here who shall remain nameless that are just a pain and I'd be ok if I never saw again. But we can't choose our family, eh?

Yesterday being Christmas, I was the only one not drinking at the big family all-day dinner event. I realized that I'd always felt a lot of anxiety at these big extended family gatherings and I'd always turned to beer just to feel good, free of anxiety and boredom, and fun and chatty even if I did'nt really feel like being so. Same with the afformentioned family member who's bumming me out at Mom's house-- wasn't ever that big a deal cuz I could just feel good anyway, by getting drunk.

Now that drinking is not an option, pretty much all day yesterday was a giant mix of stress, anxiety, boredom, and seething undercurrents of "I don't like you". There are a few standouts, a few family members that are genuinely fun, kind, warm, easy to talk to, and a true joy. But there's a few that I'd just rather not talk to at all.

I should probably say here that I know that this is all probably much more ME than THEM. I'm aware that my emotions are probably riding high and I'm not necessarily seeing things clearly as they are, but perhaps coloring them with my emotions. At any rate, the last few days has been a real test of patience. I've had to constantly self-soothe with breath, calming thoughts, etc. I've been trying to look at difficult situations and people with gratitude and positivity, but it's been tough. I really feel the anxiety and tension building and I'm not sure how to let off the steam.

And, it gets even worse in a few days... Have to go spend 4 days with my GF's even way-more disfunctional family. She's not even looking forward to it-- I'm not sure anyone is. She's making us all get together out of obligation. I understand, and don't judge her for that but I just can't wait til it's all done.

And, I vow to spend the next holiday season NOT travelling to see family. This coming year, I STAY HOME.

This trip has been a real test. I am 100% sure that I would have gotten drunk multiple times if I'd had the chance. AB has taken away that possibility. I know that's a good thing but man, is it frustrating. I've even had multiple thoughts of "fuck this, this isn't worth going through without alcohol. Next time, I will PLAN to allow drinking for these evenings". Evenings such as Christmas dinner, work Christmas parties, etc. Part of me still feels like that's what I want to do. I just don't feel like I can engage with people otherwise. When sober, it all feels so fucking boring, or tense, or a weird mix of both.

But then I remember about how embarassing my behavior can be when I'm drinking. Other people are clearly hugely embarassed by my drunken behavior, and I can't blame them. Then, there's the problem of being hungover for days at a time. So, that option doesn't look good either.

I dunno. I don't want to feel this way for a few weeks at a time, every single fucking December (not to mention, Thanksgivings, birthday parties, summer trips and all). A BIG part of me just wants to retire from all the family shit. Just stay sober but on my own turf, my own home and my own routine. That's what sounds best to me.

Well, thanks all for listening to me vent. i suppose I should try to look for a positive... at least I didn't get drunk and feel embarrassed for my drunken behavior, and hungover/too sick to get out of bed today. Today I feel like I can deal with the world and things are gonna be OK. Just a few more days and miles before I get to be back home.

Best to all.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull-

I can totally relate to your feelings about the holidays and family-
But unlike you I drank. Such a tough battle. I didn't go to my husbands gatherings with his family for fear of over indulging but I still stayed home and drank. I have to give myself credit- I didn't get drunk all nights. I did some controlled drinking and had 2 nights of drunken drinking. Now I am deciding to be on Day 1 of AF for as long as I can... It's hard for me to say I'm going to do 30 days AF because when I don't make it I feel like such a failure. I have never made 30 that I can remember accept when I was in my early 20's and when I was pregnant. I honestly will be happy if I can make til New Year's Eve.. 5 whole days but at least it will give my body a break. It would be so nice not to drink on a holiday.

The way you explain your feelings towards events that you used to drink at is how I think it will be with out alcohol. Thanks for being real. Helps me with normalcy.
From your numbers it seems it took you quite awhile being Bac before you quit drinking?

Your posts cheer me up when I am feeling blue about my own progress.
Keep up the good work.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

bkyogagurl;1603299 wrote: Skull-

I can totally relate to your feelings about the holidays and family-
But unlike you I drank. Such a tough battle. I didn't go to my husbands gatherings with his family for fear of over indulging but I still stayed home and drank. I have to give myself credit- I didn't get drunk all nights. I did some controlled drinking and had 2 nights of drunken drinking. Now I am deciding to be on Day 1 of AF for as long as I can... It's hard for me to say I'm going to do 30 days AF because when I don't make it I feel like such a failure. I have never made 30 that I can remember accept when I was in my early 20's and when I was pregnant. I honestly will be happy if I can make til New Year's Eve.. 5 whole days but at least it will give my body a break. It would be so nice not to drink on a holiday.

The way you explain your feelings towards events that you used to drink at is how I think it will be with out alcohol. Thanks for being real. Helps me with normalcy.
From your numbers it seems it took you quite awhile being Bac before you quit drinking?

Your posts cheer me up when I am feeling blue about my own progress.
Keep up the good work.

Thanks for the comments, YogaGurl- glad if my posts resonate with you. It sounds like you can really relate to my feelings about family and gatherings especially around the holidays.

If you don't mind some unsoclicited advice-- I'd encourage you to try, best as you can, to shift your mindset away from judging yourself when you drink. It's really hard not to judge ourselves, I know, but try to be gentle with yourself. You're not a failure when you drink. You're a person dealing with an illness and you're on the long journey of becoming healthy. There will inevitably be bad days but try to look at the longer picture of becoming well, and be gentle with yourself. You deserve health, wellness, support, and love, just as much as any one of us! Maybe I was reading into things from your post, so if I'm rambling unnecessarily, I digress

Anyway, good job on the more moderate drinking nights! And yes 5 days AF, before NYE, will be very helpful. Do you have any plans after Jan 1 to help curb drinking? I know you could do 30 days if you committed to it. If I can, anyone can! Though I "cheat", by using Antabuse as a safeguard. Would that be an option for you?

I can tell you that 30-60 AF days really does wonders to help heal our minds, bodies, souls. It's pretty amazing.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Wow Skull... Your are perceptive. Thank you for you kind words and I will really take them to heart. Any advice you would like to lend is always welcome to me. I need all the help I can give and me stopping by here makes it obvious I'm searching.
I hope you don't mind me checking in.

[spuddleduck]

Skullbaby's Progress

I just don't feel like I can engage with people otherwise. When sober, it all feels so fucking boring, or tense, or a weird mix of both.

Just stay sober but on my own turf, my own home and my own routine. That's what sounds best to me.

skullbaby, just popped in and read a few posts. the couple of things you mention (above) really ring true for me, particularly about engaging with people. im generally pretty happy with my own company, though I often have a feeling I am missing out on something, kind of as if everyone is having a good time because they are being seen to have a good time (yeah I know that sounds a bit nonsensical, and nonsensical isn't even a word). I always say that some of my most lonely times have been when I have been in the company of others.

[Pavati]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi, Skull--

I read through your thread - thanks for sharing your journey. When I read about your Christmas your own words came to my mind, so I went and found what you posted for me:

"Being sober yet healthy is hard.
Being drunk and sick is hard.

Choose your 'hard'."

You are almost at 60 days - an amazing feat. Good luck with your GF's family, and I'm with you about staying home for the holidays. The problem for us is that ALL of both of our families live within 40 minutes, so we have multiple holidays...

Anyway, good to find your thread. You're rocking it!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

bkyogagurl;1603744 wrote: Wow Skull... Your are perceptive. Thank you for you kind words and I will really take them to heart. Any advice you would like to lend is always welcome to me. I need all the help I can give and me stopping by here makes it obvious I'm searching.
I hope you don't mind me checking in.

Sure thing BK, I'm always grateful if I can share any words of support that others find helpful. Please post on my thread all ya want, I love it when my thread is active, the more active the better We're all here to share advice and support!

[Yourfriend6116]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi skull! I've been following your thread and thanks for sharing your journey. I'm on 20mg of Bac now.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spuddleduck;1604149 wrote: I just don't feel like I can engage with people otherwise. When sober, it all feels so fucking boring, or tense, or a weird mix of both.

Just stay sober but on my own turf, my own home and my own routine. That's what sounds best to me.

skullbaby, just popped in and read a few posts. the couple of things you mention (above) really ring true for me, particularly about engaging with people. im generally pretty happy with my own company, though I often have a feeling I am missing out on something, kind of as if everyone is having a good time because they are being seen to have a good time (yeah I know that sounds a bit nonsensical, and nonsensical isn't even a word). I always say that some of my most lonely times have been when I have been in the company of others.

I totally know the feeling. I've often felt the same way, though more recently I've been able to mentally disengage by being more introverted/isolated, and "enjoying the boring". Not toooo isolated- I still have my GF, dog, family... but more isolated than usual. Though that comes with its own challenges, for me right now it's better than trying to be a part of the festivities that are others are enjoying- both real and imagined. I figure, I'll no doubt re-engage in more social activities later when I've got more sober time, and I'm more acclimated to living that way and feeling solid and balanced. Though, that said, times like Christmas obviously throw social stuff my way regardless of my own wishes, and I suppose that's life, and it's good practice, even if it's uncomfortable.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Pavati;1604183 wrote: Hi, Skull--

I read through your thread - thanks for sharing your journey. When I read about your Christmas your own words came to my mind, so I went and found what you posted for me:

"Being sober yet healthy is hard.
Being drunk and sick is hard.

Choose your 'hard'."

You are almost at 60 days - an amazing feat. Good luck with your GF's family, and I'm with you about staying home for the holidays. The problem for us is that ALL of both of our families live within 40 minutes, so we have multiple holidays...

Anyway, good to find your thread. You're rocking it!

Thanks for the kind words, Pavati I like the reminders of both the words of others, and my own. It's been good to rock the sober December together... only 2 days left!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Yourfriend6116;1604679 wrote: Hi skull! I've been following your thread and thanks for sharing your journey. I'm on 20mg of Bac now.

Hi Friend! Thanks for popping in and I'm glad you're finding the thread valuable. I'll pop in to your thread today

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

47 minutes until the New Year. I have one more cigarette left which I will smoke before the countdown. Then I will go to bed and wake up to finally travel back home tomorrow. I'm tired of being away from home. And I'm sad and anxious and depressed for some reason. Maybe it's just homesickness. I really really can't wait to be home.

Tomorrow is another sober day though and I am grateful for that. Silly as New Years resolutions can be, still tomorrow I renew my commitment to health by becoming a non-smoker, eating good nutrition and getting exercise, and staying sober. I know I can do all three, I've proven them to myself before and I'll do it again, for good this time. In spite of the inevitable shitty days that will come and go, I'm going to make 2014 positive, strong, and fucking awesome.

Happy New Year, and best to all.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

I may be just talking to myself here, but that's OK. Just venting... feeling incredibly weak, shakey, anxious, small, angry, frustrated, sad.... just had a very stressful few weeks that culminated in an incredibly stressful day/night yesterday... today just trying to pick myself back up. I REALLY wish the new year would have started off better. I think I'm mad that it was basically ruined for me.

I feel mad that I made the effort to travel home to see family with my GF and dog despite all the stress that travelling with that dog caused. That fucking dog. I felt stressed for 10 fuckiing days straight. I feel mad that I was made to feel an imposition by family members the whole time there. I feel mad that I had to pretend to like people I don't like. I feel mad that I was dragged to a SECOND family vacation in Arkansas and ran into angry, threatening rednecks there and basically hardly felt safe the whole time. I feel mad that my GF basically had a giant meltdown yesterday and I just had to sit and deal with it. And that nobody seems to care that I have no idea how to manage all this fucking stress without alcohol (or cigarettes or junk food).

I feel mad that I was looking forward to New Year's Day as a day of health, warmth, and rejuvenation, to set the tone for a hopefully positive January and beyond, and instead I had to deal with a total meltdown for hours WHILE TRAVELLING. I did my part as a good, understanding partner, I listened, I supported, and now she's happy and fine and moved past it, but I'm still left with all this anxiety and tension and frustration and I just feel crushed and crestfallen that I had a totally shitty New Year's Day when I was so hoping it would be a calm hopeful lovely day. Though I know that is probably unrealistic when I had to travel for 12 hours that day. No way is it going to be happy. "Peaceful and calm" is a laugh.

I fucking hate travelling during the holidays. Or ever. Unless I'm by myself. When travelling with others, even close ones and family. everything is just compromise and obligation. Everyone wants to do all these activities and nobody likes eachother or has fun doing them, it's all just seething undercurrents of disfunction and stress and loathing.

I feel like I just want to crawl into a cave and never see anyone ever again. I certainly never want to travel ever again.

OK rant over. I'll post a more coherent level headed post later.

[Jazi's Mum]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hey, don't stop telling us how it was for you...and don't feel bad for ranting...that's what this space is for: YOU!

Can I make a suggestion? Next time the pressure is on to do something you simply don't want to do? Just say NO! (that resonates eh?)

I know you wanted this trip to succeed and you discussed this way back - you were going to suck it up and be nicey-nice. Well, you succeeded pretty well, but now the emotional crash comes - as it always does afterwards - that's just pure psychology, no?

You must protect yourself, your sobriety, your physical health, and your emotional health. This is KEY to being able to give to others. Someone said here just a day or two ago that protecting our sobriety and physical and emotional health before we can give to others was like on an airline when they tell you to put your oxygen mask on FIRST before you help others!!

Speak up and ask for what you NEED. Like some hugs, lovin', understanding, SPACE, and maybe next year insist on a cruise instead of the emotional torture you have endured this year.

Be selfish. Protect yourself. There is a way to do that without hurting others. Just be honest, and truthful and loving. Gee, I feel so sorry that you had to endure all the crap and now you're having the let down that always come.

Let us know how it goes as things settle.
JMum

[Pavati]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull - so sorry your Jan 1 was like that. I know you were looking forward to an auspicious start to this new year.

I agree with JaziMum - sometimes you have to say no or do things for yourself.

Regroup and have that day this weekend instead. Jan. 1 is an artificial "beginning" anyway - make your beginning day exactly how you want it to be - not traveling or taking care of someone else's meltdown.

Best to you. Hope you're well. xo