Skullbaby's Progress

[Cytoskeletor]

Skullbaby's Progress

I'm new here, but have lurked off and on for years. If you would like some info on e-cigs I would be happy to give you all that I know. I have been cig free for a couple of years. Every time I have a shitty day I don't relapse to cigs. I reach for my e-cig. It's by far the lesser of two evils.

Sorry to hear about the difficult time you had. It must be nice to be the rock in the relationship though. Or at least sometimes.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks for reading my mini-meltdown rant and for the comments, guys. I appreciate you taking the time to read and post supportive words and advice

Your words are a great reminder to say "no". That's been an important thing for me to keep in mind recently. For various reasons, I didn't feel I could say no to anyone regarding the holiday plans, but no such worries now that it's January, and moving forward.

Cyto- I actually have an e-cig- I didn't much care for it last time but I may break it out again today to help take the edge off. Thanks for the reminder!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 251 on bac (105mg/day). Day 64 AF. Also 125mg/day Antabuse.

Day 3 of January, 2014. I'm slowly settling into feeling a bit more comfortable after my mini-meltdown yesterday. It was kind of a bad one, at least internally- but externally it was that quiet, silent angst.

What helped me get past it, aside from the helpful words from the kind folks above, is talking frankly and honestly to my GF about it, even when some of the cause of my anxiety was her behavior. She's pretty great at hearing feedback and providing her own. We reached a couple important conclusions.

1. Maybe the most important takeaway is that I am still very new in sobriety, and we've been making changes and uprooting ourselves a lot. We moved cross-country in October, and I was only 2 months sober during that time. It was a much bigger ordeal than I'd anticipated. We've been doing small weekend trips, and then the big Christmas trips, while still being unsettled at home, still in boxes and clutter, with everything partially undone. It was all just a lot of stress at a time in my early sobriety when all I crave is my comfortable reliable routine at home, in which to grow healthy through baby steps each day. I just don't have much in the way of strength, solid, balance. As such, we've decided to designate 2014 as "the quiet year at home". This sounds like absolute heaven to me. I know that 12 months sober will likely look so much different than 2. I can always venture out to do more things in the world then, but for right now I just really need to concentrate on home and health and not throw a giant monkeywrench into my routine every other month.

2. We agreed that I am just not a good traveler, and that's OK. Travelling just makes me nuts. We agreed that we'll look at trips more discerningly this year and not pack so much in. We agreed that it stresses me out to travel with the dog, to stay with relatives, and to do a bunch of things out of obligation. As I wrote above, we're going to make the effort to avoid these things for 2014.

3. We discussed whether my recent shorter fuse could be exacerbated by the baclofen-- but my feeling is that it's much more likely that it's a symptom of REMOVING ALCOHOL, which was my main coping mechanism to de-stress for almost 20 years. Now that it's removed, I'm having to learn to do something, anything else within reason, to deal with stress and anxiety. The only things I have thought of so far are meditation, exercise (stretching, running, weights, yoga), writing, cooking/healthy nutrition. I'm not great at doing all these things consistently but I need to make more of an effort to do so.

4. That it is important for me to sometimes say no when people ask something of me, if I don't have the capacity to do that thing. Often that will look like social engagements and/or travel, and I'm going to say no unless there's a real, tangible reason for me to go.

5. Lastly, we agreed that her anxiety episodes, though infrequent, are often triggered by outside media or some other source, that we can sometimes control whether she's exposed to at that time or not. I let her know that her episodes really ratchet up my tension level to 11 and I don't always know what to do with that. Sometimes, though infrequently, I don't have the energy and capacity to deal well, and to be a good support to her, and I need to be able to let her know when that's the case. We agreed to try to be more aware and more strategic about times where she may have more contact with "triggering" material/media.

It was a great talk and we came away with a lot of understanding, some of which I had no idea of, about myself. There were a lot of lightbulb, aha moments.

So, today, the stress is beginning to dissipate. Still feeling great about sobriety- on my way to 90 days, then on to 120. As far as baclofen titration, I'm still mulling over what I should do- continue to titrate up, or back off? My hesitation in titrating up comes from the fact that my anxiety level has remained high, especially in the early mornings as I wake. I'm sure this was partially due to all the stressful Christmas trip/stuff etc, so now that I'm home I'm going to keep a close eye on this to see if it goes down. Anxiety is such a fucking bitch (sorry Jmum, I know you don't like the cursing I like to curse like a sailor on occasion)

I was pretty happy at 80mg bac supplemented with AB, so if anxiety persists, I may just go back there. My only reasoning for having increased is because I wanted to see if I can find the switch/indifference, because it WOULD be nice to have a controlled/moderate drink or two in social situations, as I still find them boring, even sometimes with people I love and am comfortable with. But, we'll see. Perhaps I should stay abstinent until I'm more balanced and the sense of ease and fun returns. I probably shouldn't try to fill a perceived lack of fun with booze... that sounds pretty obviously a bad idea, lol. Anyway, all stuff I'm considering.

For the record, I've been good about diet, even doing a couple mini-fasts after super high unhealthy eating over the Christmas trip, and doing great with it since being home. Smoking remains a challenge, but I'm motivated to make that change, too. I need to keep in mind that at 37 years old, if I keep smoking, I could develop very real lung/heart problems very soon. I'm not young and "invincible" anymore- shit is real, now, and a killer.

Thanks to any who's actually read this far, and best to all.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1606855 wrote: I may be just talking to myself here, but that's OK. Just venting... feeling incredibly weak, shakey, anxious, small, angry, frustrated, sad.... just had a very stressful few weeks that culminated in an incredibly stressful day/night yesterday... today just trying to pick myself back up. I REALLY wish the new year would have started off better. I think I'm mad that it was basically ruined for me.

I feel mad that I made the effort to travel home to see family with my GF and dog despite all the stress that travelling with that dog caused. That fucking dog. I felt stressed for 10 fuckiing days straight. I feel mad that I was made to feel an imposition by family members the whole time there. I feel mad that I had to pretend to like people I don't like. I feel mad that I was dragged to a SECOND family vacation in Arkansas and ran into angry, threatening rednecks there and basically hardly felt safe the whole time. I feel mad that my GF basically had a giant meltdown yesterday and I just had to sit and deal with it. And that nobody seems to care that I have no idea how to manage all this fucking stress without alcohol (or cigarettes or junk food).

I feel mad that I was looking forward to New Year's Day as a day of health, warmth, and rejuvenation, to set the tone for a hopefully positive January and beyond, and instead I had to deal with a total meltdown for hours WHILE TRAVELLING. I did my part as a good, understanding partner, I listened, I supported, and now she's happy and fine and moved past it, but I'm still left with all this anxiety and tension and frustration and I just feel crushed and crestfallen that I had a totally shitty New Year's Day when I was so hoping it would be a calm hopeful lovely day. Though I know that is probably unrealistic when I had to travel for 12 hours that day. No way is it going to be happy. "Peaceful and calm" is a laugh.

I fucking hate travelling during the holidays. Or ever. Unless I'm by myself. When travelling with others, even close ones and family. everything is just compromise and obligation. Everyone wants to do all these activities and nobody likes eachother or has fun doing them, it's all just seething undercurrents of disfunction and stress and loathing.

I feel like I just want to crawl into a cave and never see anyone ever again. I certainly never want to travel ever again.

OK rant over. I'll post a more coherent level headed post later.

Now Skull -this post is funny as hell!! What a great post and I wish that I had read it yesterday. I forget sometimes that it is not just all about me. And, it is "funny" in the sense that see myself in the entire dang post -and then I laugh.

First, leave the dog out of it. What were you thinking when you took him with you? He/she was going to love the travel and offer you tidings of thanks upon arrival? JK Skull. Been there -done that (with the dog) ONCE. My hound dog Flash is never up for travel -unless I douse him with alcohol first.

Skull, I don't know about you for sure, but I am an arse kissing type of person (trying to change). I go along to get along. Typically, when I express my dislike for a particular anything, people look at me as if they are saying "what the hell, what's up with Wolf?". Only recently have I started practicing "not being the shell yes man" Finally started asking "what do I really have to lose anyway?" Baclofen has helped me gain courage in a way alcohol never did.

And look, just ask Kronk. She is the one who has helped me to see the light in just saying "No thank you please". Another untold helpful insight from MyWayOut.

Congrats on your day 64. And I apologize if none of this rhetoric applies to you. But like you say; "I don't know if anyone is reading this, but it sure helps me"

[Jazi's Mum]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skullbaby, your talk with your girlfriend sounds so productive, and a real give and take. Me, well, when I try to have meaningful talks important to me, with Husband, he simply sits there tongue-tied. Not a great sharer of feelings.

But, if I can say this, it's a big mistake we women make, to expect men to communicate as we do. The strong silent type is a cliche because it's true!!

But that said, good for you that you were able to get the stuff out, and that GF listened and responded. You sound positive and goal oriented for the new year. Boy, when I read back in your first posts - 180 or what????

And NO is a good response. Who says it's always gotta be YES?

re the swearing - I'm trying to live out Agreement #1:

Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

So swearing just seems a poor way to communicate - it is just a release of tension. (and yes, I've been known to use the F word at times myself) :H
JMum

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1607332 wrote: Now Skull -this post is funny as hell!! What a great post and I wish that I had read it yesterday. I forget sometimes that it is not just all about me. And, it is "funny" in the sense that see myself in the entire dang post -and then I laugh.

First, leave the dog out of it. What were you thinking when you took him with you? He/she was going to love the travel and offer you tidings of thanks upon arrival? JK Skull. Been there -done that (with the dog) ONCE. My hound dog Flash is never up for travel -unless I douse him with alcohol first.

Skull, I don't know about you for sure, but I am an arse kissing type of person (trying to change). I go along to get along. Typically, when I express my dislike for a particular anything, people look at me as if they are saying "what the hell, what's up with Wolf?". Only recently have I started practicing "not being the shell yes man" Finally started asking "what do I really have to lose anyway?" Baclofen has helped me gain courage in a way alcohol never did.

And look, just ask Kronk. She is the one who has helped me to see the light in just saying "No thank you please". Another untold helpful insight from MyWayOut.

Congrats on your day 64. And I apologize if none of this rhetoric applies to you. But like you say; "I don't know if anyone is reading this, but it sure helps me"

EDIT- Spirit, I posted a follow up to my mini-rant above, not sure if you saw it. Anyway, my response to your comment--

Ha, thanks for that, Spirit. Yesterday, it seemed anything but funny, but now today re-reading it with a more level head, I can totally laugh at it too. It's so interesting how much our emotional state can color our perceptions from one end of the spectrum to the other. Such a fine line between distress and humor. Haha!

Yep, regarding the dog, we naively thought we'd have a grand ol' time out at the lake cabin with the dog running around-- nevermind the fact that we had to uproot him as an 8month old puppy from his routine which he's still learning, to cram him in a softcase crate under a plane seat THREE FUCKING TIMES, then have to lock him in a cabin room when he runs around terrorizing everyone. He was stressed and crazy the entire time. OK, pet owner FAIL. That's on us... lesson learned.

Interesting to hear you're something of a people-pleaser, as am I. It gets old, doesn't it? Very important to sometimes draw our lines in the sand. Have you ever heard of/read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover? Good resource for men striving to be good men but not pushovers, specifically "nice guys".

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Jazi's Mum;1607338 wrote: Skullbaby, your talk with your girlfriend sounds so productive, and a real give and take. Me, well, when I try to have meaningful talks important to me, with Husband, he simply sits there tongue-tied. Not a great sharer of feelings.

But, if I can say this, it's a big mistake we women make, to expect men to communicate as we do. The strong silent type is a cliche because it's true!!

But that said, good for you that you were able to get the stuff out, and that GF listened and responded. You sound positive and goal oriented for the new year. Boy, when I read back in your first posts - 180 or what????

And NO is a good response. Who says it's always gotta be YES?

re the swearing - I'm trying to live out Agreement #1:

Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

So swearing just seems a poor way to communicate - it is just a release of tension. (and yes, I've been known to use the F word at times myself) :H
JMum

Thanks JMum. I agree with you on all points, except we can agree to disagree on the swearing I absolutely love the Four Agreements and strive to remember them/live by them as much as I can. Of course, everyone's "Word" is different- I find swearing sometimes comfortable and fun and a bit humorous, so for me it fits with my definition of integrity and meaning. Though that would not be the case if I was using it to truly insult or demean someone, as opposed to expressing my own frustration ("my dog is an asshole" as opposed to "that fucking dog drives me nuts". Slight but noteworthy difference).

At any rate, I hold swearing to be a valuable and enjoyable tool in my toolbox. Interesting point about swearing as a release of tension-- I'd never heard it put that way, though I can see how that's an accurate statement. Seems kind of nice in a way, to me...

Thanks for the supportive words, yes the big talk and positive goals have made a huge difference to my state of mind.

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull

I swear that I am not creeping (maybe creeping) or trolling or being an "arse kisser" (see previous post), but this is a GREAT post. It appears to be honest and hits on some great points:

1. Often times, baclofen gets blamed for a lot things that really are just the direct result of removing alcohol from our brains. I see the purported baclofen negative side effects all the time here: "sleep problems, memory problems, weight gain/loss, more/less anxiety, etc". I have withdrawn from alcohol too many times in the past without baclofen to know otherwise. Your WHOLE world changes when you remove alcohol. And it takes a hell of a lot of time to adjust. Baclofen is just one of the tools we have to make it "OH" so much easier. It just takes time for our brains to adjust. For me, I spent a whole lot more time drinking than not drinking and it is going to just take time. I have to keep reminding myself.

2. Saying "NO". Now, if I am truly honest with myself, a big part of my just being able to NOT just saying "NO" stems from my just wanting to say "YES" to alcohol. If I could get my alcohol, all would be ok. I could listen to your small talk, travel with you and pretend to listen, be numb to the dog whining, agree to your next request, etc. I am an introvert and have much more perceived "important" things to think about. But, take away my alcohol and we have a new game. Wait a minute, now I am suppose to be nice and gentle, accepting of your wishes-no questions, bla....bla.... Without alcohol? Well, yes to some degree. I am the one who is changing -not them and I have to remember this and try to respond accordingly.

Again Skull, thanks for a great post. I hope others get to read.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

spiritwolf333;1607342 wrote: I swear that I am not creeping (maybe creeping) or trolling or being an "arse kisser" (see previous post), but this is a GREAT post. It appears to be honest and hits on some great points:

1. Often times, baclofen gets blamed for a lot things that really are just the direct result of removing alcohol from our brains. I see the purported baclofen negative side effects all the time here: "sleep problems, memory problems, weight gain/loss, more/less anxiety, etc". I have withdrawn from alcohol too many times in the past without baclofen to know otherwise. Your WHOLE world changes when you remove alcohol. And it takes a hell of a lot of time to adjust. Baclofen is just one of the tools we have to make it "OH" so much easier. It just takes time for our brains to adjust. For me, I spent a whole lot more time drinking than not drinking and it is going to just take time. I have to keep reminding myself.

2. Saying "NO". Now, if I am truly honest with myself, a big part of my just being able to NOT just saying "NO" stems from my just wanting to say "YES" to alcohol. If I could get my alcohol, all would be ok. I could listen to your small talk, travel with you and pretend to listen, be numb to the dog whining, agree to your next request, etc. I am an introvert and have much more perceived "important" things to think about. But, take away my alcohol and we have a new game. Wait a minute, now I am suppose to be nice and gentle, accepting of your wishes-no questions, bla....bla.... Without alcohol? Well, yes to some degree. I am the one who is changing -not them and I have to remember this and try to respond accordingly.

Again Skull, thanks for a great post. I hope others get to read.

Man, I couldn't agree more. Every word is well said-- so much so, that I've re-read it in agreement three times. Spirit you always have a way of getting great points into a discussion, with great reminders. (though I digress so I don't come off as arse-kissing, in the theme of the discussion, lol) It's like you're writing about MY life and experience, haha. I'm sure all of us alkies have many of these types of common shared experiences.

[kronkcarr]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull,

I feel your pain. I also like to spend my holidays alone (except my son's always great to be with). I finally have my life where this is possible and I'm so happier.

I drank because I couldn't/wouldn't speak up. I've found this to be my hardest sober challenge. And it's so anxiety producing for me. I've kindly told a man I'm not romantically interested in him. He kept on. I told him I was in a mood and hibernating. He kept on. I finally firmly and loudly said, "No thank you. I'm not interested." That did it. But I let this go until I got so angry that I was playing this crap over and over in my head. Maybe next time it will go better for both of us. 😊

[spuddleduck]

Skullbaby's Progress

interesting posts about 'not speaking up' and not saying no. I too have been looking at this, and have had some great replies on a thread I started 'picking off the scab and let go'. Ive been trying to work out why I dwell negatively on past events, even from 20 odd years ago. it has become clear that part of the problem is same as you peeps are saying about 'not speaking up'. its a tough one because over the years it becomes a way of life, and for me, it would all come out when I drink.... all that festering bitterness and upset. alcohol sort of gives a release button to let out all the things we hadn't said at the appropriate time.... not very pleasant for those around me. if anyone is interested I was given some suggestions of reading material for this kind of issue over on my 'scab' thread.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks for the comments, Kronk and Spud! Sounds like you two can both identify with what seems like a very common alkie (human?) trait. We'll have to keep this in the forefront of our mind as we learn to live sober and healthy... part of that is healthy boundaries and saying "no". I just picked up a new book called "Boundaries" that's supposed to be a good exploration of these concepts, recommended by Dave Ramsey (financial common sense radio guy here).

Kronk- good for you for speaking up to the guy that you were not interested. It can be hard to apply the necessary amount of firmness to our word, but it's worth practicing. Another example of "Be Impeccable with your Word" (The First Agreement in the great book "The Four Agreements").

Spud, I too tend to get caught in a whirlwind of obsessive thoughts about past troubles, embarassments, etc. It can be very hard to get out of these and leave the past where it should be, in the past. I'll check out the scabs thread today- thanks!

[Yourfriend6116]

Skullbaby's Progress

Ok....I'm thinking i need to get this 4 agreements book so i can chime in! Is it an AA-type book?

[kronkcarr]

Skullbaby's Progress

Yf,

It's not an AA book. It was written by Miguel Angel Ruiz in the late 90s. Skull, thanks for the impeccable reminder. I soft pedal it and don't get my point across and then in my thoughts I blame them. It's good for me to be reminded.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Friend,

Yeah, what Kronk said. It's a book of Toltec wisdom/philosophy- it has some great stuff that I try to remember and live by daily.

Kronk,

You're welcome I'm a soft pedaller by nature too, so it's good for us to be deliberate.