Skullbaby's Progress

[spiritwolf333]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1620952 wrote: Thanks Spirit. Yep I'm going to keep up the momentum by rocking February sober as well, working my way up to 120 days. And from my own history I do know that even now, it'd be very precarious to attempt without the Antabuse to take away the drinking option, as my brain is still so good at tricking me to remember how "great" the euphoria feels while hiding the inevitable depression/sickness from my conscious thoughts, as you talked about it the "alcohol is a depressant- a drug" thread.

Skull -you may just be on to something -regarding the Antabuse. And, as heard before; alcohol is cunning-baffling.

[Samandkatharine]

Skullbaby's Progress

Congrats Skull!!

Sam

[Wildjaq]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hi Skull - just reading through some of your posts (I think I'll end up reading them all!) There's a lot of stuff there that I can really relate to so thanks for posting. 90 days is amazing - do you still feel the pull of booze or is it different now?

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks to all for the kind words.

Wild, I'm glad you're related to stuff in my thread and hope you continue to find value in it. As to your question, the short answer is yes and no-- By that I mean that yes, I do sometimes still feel the pull of booze but it is also different now. When I say "the pull of booze" it is not really physical cravings, anymore-- thankfully. I do however sometimes entertain thoughts in my head of "ah, it'd be so relaxing", " I could check out of reality just a little, with just a couple", "a few wouldn't hurt..." as well as thoughts of "enjoying" social gatherings, which I'll detail below in an update.

These thoughts feel very much like a mental and habitual kind of pull, as opposed to physical cravings. This is where I still have work to be done- to break the link of alcohol equalling fun or relaxation that my brain keeps telling me, in its attempt to lie to me and get its fix.

This is why I take the Antabuse on top of the Baclofen, as I've talked about in my thread so often. It saved me from harm yet again last night, so it keeps proving itself a winning tool for me time and time again.

All that said- the 90+ days that I've got racked up, I consider them invaluable in the process of breaking my reliance on abusing alcohol. If I hadn't made the commitment to at least 30 days (then 60, then 90, etc) I'd still be wallowing in the endless couple-binges-a-week cycle of alcoholic drinking, and all the problematic Baclofen SE's that come with it, as well as all the harmful stuff that comes with my drinking (cigarette smoking, junk food, lack of health, depression/anxiety, list goes on and on).

I'd REALLY encourage anyone new to the Baclofen protocols to commit to 30 days AF. It makes SO much difference.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Update- Day 94 AF. Day 281 on Baclofen- 85mg/day, Antabuse at 125mg/day.

Well folks last night was a giant learning experience.

I got an invite to attend one of my oldest and dearest friends birthday party. I was internally reluctant due partly to the fact that I don't particularly like some of the crowd that I figured would be there. But also and probably most importantly, because everyone would be drinking, with many of them getting hammered. Due to the Antabuse, that's not an option for me. But as we all probably know, even aside from the temptation of drinking, it can just be annoying, boring, painful to be sober around drunkards. Especially in a party atmosphere.

I decided to go anyway, due to the fact that I would like to not be a crotchety old hermit for the rest of my life, and thought I should go and see if I could have some fun while still being sober.

Well, I got my answer loud and in no uncertain terms. The answer? FUCK NO. At least, not in that crowd and that environment. It was filled with annoying boring unlikable drunks. The embarassing oafish drunken "man-child" types who think they're super clever and hilarious, of who I am the first to admit I AM one when I'm getting drunk.

It was like looking in a fractured mirror. See, Skullbaby? This is what you look like when you're drinking.

I mean, basically NONE of it was enjoyable. I tried to put on a good face but it just sucked. The whole night, pretty much. After a drunken boat ride out on the lake, we went to a rock show with a band that we all really like. That wasn't enjoyable either, mostly due to my mood plummetting due to being around so many drunks and assholes. Don't get me wrong, my old friend and my brother were both there and they're great, and there were a few others I like too. But I just couldn't enjoy myself.

The major takeaways-

1. Most importantly, Antabuse remains an important tool for me, as I know with near-100%-certainty that I would have given in and drank at the party just to try to "loosen up and have fun". It was just too excurciatingly annoying, boring, lame otherwise. Thankfully, I did not have the option of just saying "screw it I'll just drink".

2. That being the case, I was forced to endure a night that was really, really unenjoyable. Excruciatingly so. The lesson here is a question- Do I really want to go back to those situations, those "glory days", as a sober man? The answer-- not really. I think I'm just a different person now, and I think I just won't go back to those kinds of drunken parties. I think I'll be more deliberate with how and where I choose to spend my time.

For example, next time I'm invited to something like this, I think I'll decline but say "No thanks, I don't really do the party scene, but I'd love to do something for his birthday though-- come up and spend the following day with him and his family", etc etc. Propose some alternate time in which I can have some good quality sober time in which to actually connect.

To make a long story short- for me, the party/rock club scene just sucks. Unless I'm drinking, which I'm not, I'm over and done with it. And happy for it. One of the main reasons for this is, as I've mentioned often of late, that I'm actually beginning to enjoy art again. The artist that I feared was long dead was in fact just dormant and is waking now. That's too valuable to me to risk drinking again.

So, I'm embracing the boring me. The version of me that's no fun at parties. Or at least I FEEL like no fun at parties, and feel like parties are no fun to be had. I'm cool with that. I'd rather be the boring healthy me as I genuinely enjoy that version more now. And thankfully that version of me remembers how painful and sick the drinking me was.

Best to all.

[neophyte]

Skullbaby's Progress

skull that post resonated with me greatly. I went to the pub yesterday to watch UFC and i couldnt stand the obnoxious drunks making predictable and lound commentary. Before i couldnt imagine going to things like that sober, but now i think i couldnt stand to be there drunk and act like a bafoon.

Same with the party scene or in Australia, its going out all night and drinking. i no longer desire that. in ways its kind of like a coming of age, growing up and moving past that. Figure that might make me boring to some, but id argue that sitting in a pub getting drunk is pretty boring when you look at it from sober eyes.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Yeah, totally Neo. The obnoxious drunks are a serious bore and almost nothing makes a drunk more obnoxious than sports (and music). Don't get me wrong, games, fights etc can be great fun but it can be seriously lame to be a sober person in the crowd of drunken oafs at a sports bar. Or drunken oafs at a party or rock show. Or any number of other events, for that matter.

I never thought I'd get to the point where I'd truly rather live sober, but I did.

Things seem quiet on the forums of late. How are things going with you, buddy? Still on the Antabuse, and if so is it helping? Also, does Australia have a big culture of alcoholism? I know in the States and UK it's really bad. Maybe it's a silly question to ask... maybe it's just a giant problem everywhere.

[Poink]

Skullbaby's Progress

I went to a big party yesterday, but left before things got too serious. Everyone was drinking, but no one was drunk yet when I left. I am sure that if I had stayed til the end it would not have been the nice experience that it in fact turned out to be. It was a 10-12 hour party and I only stayed for the first half.

I am enjoying keeping up with your progress Skull, and I think that the AB is a good idea. Especially around big dates. I don't know how true it is, but I was told once that most relapses occurred around significant dates, like 1 month or 90 days or 6 months or 1 year, whatever. I know I have crashed just before a year once, and right around the 6 months mark once.

And it's that "mental pull" of which you speak that I will have to guard against forever. I once had several years of sobriety and started thinking about having "one ice cold beer." I couldn't shake the thought, and decided it wouldn't hurt after all those years. But I'm a drunk and it did end up hurting. It always does.

I might have to do the HDB thing one day just because of that "mental pull." Way back when Bill Wilson wrote the Big Book of AA, he wrote " The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." For some of us, that higher power might be a chemical.

[YouKayBee]

Skullbaby's Progress

I can't tell you how pleased I am to read your posts, you've come such a long way in a relatively short time. Massive changes.

[Wildjaq]

Skullbaby's Progress

A great post Skullbaby - I've had a couple of sober nights-out with drinkers and they've been okay. I don't doubt that there will be difficult times where I end up in the same mood as you.

I know the routine like the night you described - basically you don't have whole lot in common with everyone and the booze creates a false camaraderie which gets you through. So, taking a step back - it wasn't really that great a time and you've got a terrible hangover and no money.

Essentially, you can't keep drinking and rocking and rolling forever - even Lemmy from Motorhead has an exercise bike now and just look at Alice Cooper!

[neophyte]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1622273 wrote: I never thought I'd get to the point where I'd truly rather live sober, but I did.

Things seem quiet on the forums of late. How are things going with you, buddy? Still on the Antabuse, and if so is it helping? Also, does Australia have a big culture of alcoholism? I know in the States and UK it's really bad. Maybe it's a silly question to ask... maybe it's just a giant problem everywhere.

I'm doing well, my indifference is sticking and i haven't been drinking, other than 1 or 2 beers here and there.

My anxiey is still mesesd up. especially during the mornings, i wake up and everything that is trivial seems like a mountain of worries. I think at this stage i should persue some therapy or looking at changing my meds up. im on 50mg of zoloft which is a low dose, i'm erring on the side of caution to increase it since the last time i did my cravings came back, i suspect SSRIs were a cause of uncontrollable cravings when i became an alcoholic. my mood most days is pretty flat as well, almost deperessed but not quite there. so i guess alcohol was my anti depresant before and i need to find a better way.

as for antabus, ive taken it a few times but i always forget, i think ill take some when i get home. i dont have many tablets so i was thinking of taking it every tuesday and friday morning so it sticks.

I have to go to a funeral tonight for my SO, i dont know the person, so its not a sad occasion, but i hate funerals.

sounds like you are doing well skull, that 90 days seems to have done wonders for you.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Poink, Neo, UKB, Wild, thanks for your posts.

Quick update- Day 100 AF, Day 287 on bac at 85mg/day, and AB 125mg/day.

I'll be brief since I already posted about this in a couple threads, but today is Day 100 AF for me. I thought I'd just copy/paste my thoughts from the other thread here, for the record...

"Hey chums! Hope everyone's having a good sober weekend... I'm feeling good in spite of a nasty cold, because today is Day 100 AF for me- I've been committing in chunks of 30 days/1 month, so my next milestone will actually be 120 days. Then, it'll be on to 150 etc.

This would seem overwhelming to me but it really is a matter of baby steps. One foot in front of the other. I found this cool comic strip that reminds me of the journey well- I like to re-read it when I need reminding of this. The "artistic mastery" could be seen as our end goal of not being slave to alcohol- read it with that perspective... Brick by Brick | Doodle Alley

Thanks to everyone for the kind supportive words over the last couple days! Hitting triple digits seems so odd and surreal and very very good. I've been an abandoner pretty much all my life in anything that I committed to... so if I can do it, anyone can. Keep the faith, everyone!"

Best to all!

[Yourfriend6116]

Skullbaby's Progress

Congrats in 100 days!!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks, Friend, I appreciate it

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Awesome job Skull... You Rawkstar... And the casbah too...

I'm still protecting my quit quite easily these day. Hugs to you my icons aren't working.