Skullbaby's Progress

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

NS- thanks- I will listen to the Dr. Kelly podcast with this in mind. I never ever thought I'd get 6 to 9 months of continued AF time but here I am, and the last thing I want to do is return to alcoholic drinking, so I want to consider all this as carefully as I can.

YourFriend- interesting. In my more recent past of drinking, I too found that anxiety and lack of motivation were really big persistent problems, probably the things I hated the most. I definitely do not want these days to return. Thanks for posting your experience and I hope you feel better soon. Have you had or do you plan on forcing any AF time?

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Copy/pasted from the Sober Mayites thread, for my own record...

free at last;1658827 wrote: Hi all, in reading about the "boredom" issue, I was reminded by a comment a professor once made to the class I was taking -- "The person you will spend the most time with is yourself. Make certain you are an interesting person." I, too, have times of boredom but then I think about this comment and I pick up the newspaper or take a walk with my camera or even read about a country I would like to visit. Just the process of remaining present rather than dulled by alcohol makes us incredibly more interesting people. Here's to a great AF day.

Very cool thought, thanks for sharing that. I like that.

I've recently become interested in learning more about how to learn more. Specifically I'd like to learn how to improve memory (which is terrible) and mental focus (which is moderate, depending on the task).

I'd also like to learn to speed read and to improve reading retention.

I want to do all these things so that I can better appreciate reading/learning on a variety of subjects! Right now I feel too dumb to really learn much. It's like a persistent brain fog.

Lastly, I'd like to learn how to improve dream memory and lucid dreaming, for creative reasons...

[Yourfriend6116]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hey skull! I've had over a month AF. I found forcing AF time made me more anxious. "Can't drink. Can't drink. Can't drink" Also forcing AF time still gave alcohol the power. I want control and the power to decide (like a normal drinker) and I feel Baclofen has given that to me. I told my husband it's like ketchup-for example. People don't go through their life every day saying "when can I get more ketchup??!! How much ketchup do I have at home? Am I going to run out of ketchup?" Just like people don't say "I can never ever have ketchup! 150 days since I've had ketchup!" Etc. Ketchup is just there-you don't obsesses one way or the other about it. That's what Baclofen has done for me with alcohol. I feel normal again!! Hope that makes some sort of sense.
Keep up the good work.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Jane- I haven't yet adopted the practice of writing down dreams... I've attempted it a few times and I'm always so groggy in the morning when I wake, I can never be motivated to do so. But I may give it another try, I do like how sometimes writing down one thought or memory insprires another and another and so on.

YourFriend, I hear you. Everyone's approach is different and I'm happy when anyone finds a method that works well for them. I'd LOVE to be as indifferent to alcohol as I am for ketchup, but for me, currently in my life, I prefer the teetotaller and day-counting approach (which I understand not everyone is fond of). I suspect that if I was in the analogy you describe, I'd be the annoying guy going "hey guys let's keep the ketchup party going, who wants more ketchup, cmon I want another round of ketchup. I can only enjoy the world with ketchup, none of you are interesting without ketchup, C'mon let's go who's with me. OK screw it I'm going to the ketchup store before it closes, I CAN"T LIVE WITHOUT MORE KETCHUP YOU CAN"T STOP ME AAAAAAH!!!"

Kidding aside, I do get your point and I am super glad to hear that baclofen has helped you with indifference to alcohol! In a couple months I am going to carefully see if I share that experience.

[beckty]

Skullbaby's Progress

Yourfriend6116;1659085 wrote: Hey skull! I've had over a month AF. I found forcing AF time made me more anxious. "Can't drink. Can't drink. Can't drink" Also forcing AF time still gave alcohol the power. I want control and the power to decide (like a normal drinker) and I feel Baclofen has given that to me. I told my husband it's like ketchup-for example. People don't go through their life every day saying "when can I get more ketchup??!! How much ketchup do I have at home? Am I going to run out of ketchup?" Just like people don't say "I can never ever have ketchup! 150 days since I've had ketchup!" Etc. Ketchup is just there-you don't obsesses one way or the other about it. That's what Baclofen has done for me with alcohol. I feel normal again!! Hope that makes some sort of sense.
Keep up the good work.

THIS! This is what I am hoping/praying for. When I try to get some AF time under pressure, it falls apart and I end up drinking more. Thanks for this post. It's very encouraging to me. And hey, I hate being out of mustard. But if there's none in the house, I can eat a burger without it. Great analogy.

[beckty]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1658854 wrote: Copy/pasted from the Sober Mayites thread, for my own record...



Very cool thought, thanks for sharing that. I like that.

I've recently become interested in learning more about how to learn more. Specifically I'd like to learn how to improve memory (which is terrible) and mental focus (which is moderate, depending on the task).

I'd also like to learn to speed read and to improve reading retention.

I want to do all these things so that I can better appreciate reading/learning on a variety of subjects! Right now I feel too dumb to really learn much. It's like a persistent brain fog.

Lastly, I'd like to learn how to improve dream memory and lucid dreaming, for creative reasons...

I can relate to this as well. I used to do SO many interesting (to me) things. And anymore, it's come down to work, stop by LQ, make dinner, half way clean up, look at all of the things I can't keep up with at home, drink, sleep, do it again.

I used to decorate. Do all sorts of DIY things at home. I loved it. The drinks have taken so much of my creativity, memory, motivation... I am hoping I find those things again. The things that make me my real self. And as for the memory stuff? I am seriously considering, as I begin to heal and get more AF time, getting into that Lumosity site for some brain work.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Copy/pasted from other threads for my record--

Today I am grateful for my ability to control my own actions and rules-- and that external, social pressures etc. are not actually that hard to change as I'd once imagined.

Just checkin' in. Been sugar free for about a week, 8 days or so, after my big sugar binge a couple weekends ago. The L-Glutamine seems to be doing quite well and my sugar cravings have been almost unnoticeable, even nonexistent. Even had my brother in town and I planned my food out beforehand, and just told him honestly about my health kick, my clean eating thing. So no beer and junk food for me, and he decided not to bother drinking beer either and ate healthy with me. Good stuff
Since I'm jsut over a week now sugar free, I think the worst should be behind me cravings wise!

The thing I find most interesting here is just how much, at least for me, the feeling of helplessness is really self-imposed nonsense. It's just my brain being scared and/or making excuses to indulge (binge) on the addicted substances.

I'm learning how to re-frame my beliefs, set rules that go with them, stick to them, and still genuinely enjoy my time, even social time with out of town guests etc. and not have it completely blow away my routine and have to start from "day one" all over again, every single Monday.

The nicest part is that time with my brother- going to see movies, buying comics, hanging out and talking/geeking out, was the primary activity and the reward in itself- it didn't have to revolve around drinking, smoking, eating junk. This is very different than it used to be- it used to be that his visit, and all the activities, would be secondary to the primary and all-encompassing goal to binge, and basically just excuses to do so.

It's really nice to experience this new reality. I feel more normal than I ever have, probably in my whole adult life.

[Yourfriend6116]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hey skull! Thanks for your take on ketchup. Lol. Do you still feel a craving or "pull" toward alcohol? I thought the Bac was supposed to help with this-but I know everyone is different. I literally don't crave it anymore. When I see people drinking it, I don't feel that desire I use to feel. I'm now down to 90 mg and my cravings still haven't returned (my biggest fear about decreasing from my switch dose of 180). It is literally like my brain switched. Keep sharing and I'm so happy for the feeling of normalcy you've attained.

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull-- my main green man...

Just stopping by to say HI!! So proud of you for staying strong... You inspire me.
I'm feeling crazy good today.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Skullbaby's Progress

skullbabyland;1660628 wrote: Copy/pasted from other threads for my record--

Today I am grateful for my ability to control my own actions and rules-- and that external, social pressures etc. are not actually that hard to change as I'd once imagined.
Amen, brother. Except when I lose control. Or life happens. BUT I still get to decide how to be and what to do about it when I mess it all up. That's nice. (Sort of. Sigh.)

skullbabyland;1660628 wrote: Been sugar free for about a week, 8 days or so,

ohmy. I cannot even begin to imagine. I suppose congratulations are in order?

We used to live within walking distance of a major-ish concert arena. We lived in that neighborhood for 7 or 8 years. I'd been to one concert in all of that time, and it was really just a different venue for me to get my drink on.

Shortly after we both got sober, we decided to see if we could get tickets to see a show. We could hear them warming up, though we had no idea who it was. We walked up, got $20 tickets and saw Bruce Hornsby and Bela Fleck with a bunch of other unbelievably talented musicians. It was literally my first concert sober. We actually watched the show and didn't have to spend anytime in the beer-line waiting for that nasty tepid stuff. I was blown away by the whole experience. (The night, the music, the crowd, the water and stars, my husband.) I'll never forget it.

Sober life is so cool. Thanks for sharing and prompting that memory.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Yourfriend6116;1660703 wrote: Hey skull! Thanks for your take on ketchup. Lol. Do you still feel a craving or "pull" toward alcohol? I thought the Bac was supposed to help with this-but I know everyone is different. I literally don't crave it anymore. When I see people drinking it, I don't feel that desire I use to feel. I'm now down to 90 mg and my cravings still haven't returned (my biggest fear about decreasing from my switch dose of 180). It is literally like my brain switched. Keep sharing and I'm so happy for the feeling of normalcy you've attained.
Very cool, YourFriend. I had to pause to think of the answer to your question-- and no, I don't really crave AL anymore, which is SO ODD. Or just, so out of the realm of possibility, so I'd thought for so long. But I truly don't crave it anymore. God, those words seem so surreal but it's true. My brain sometimes DOES "miss" it though, if that makes any sense. Like it misses the habit, the ritual, the social aspect. It does try to engage in some euphoric recall. So, no physical cravings but I do have mental thoughts towards "it'd be nice". I have to guard against those still.

Well, now that I'm thinking about it closely I guess there is a physical element- I sometimes detect that I salivate a bit when I think of beer/wine. Very Pavlovian and so yes, I guess there is an element of physical craving. It is not powerul and is easily dismissed though. So I guess my real answer is "somewhat/kinda"..? Addiction is so weird.

bkyogagurl;1661034 wrote: Skull-- my main green man...

Just stopping by to say HI!! So proud of you for staying strong... You inspire me.
I'm feeling crazy good today.

Great, I'm glad to hear it! Thanks for the kind words

Ne/Neva Eva;1661055 wrote: We actually watched the show and didn't have to spend anytime in the beer-line waiting for that nasty tepid stuff. I was blown away by the whole experience. (The night, the music, the crowd, the water and stars, my husband.) I'll never forget it.

Sober life is so cool. Thanks for sharing and prompting that memory.

That's awesome, Ne. I look forward to my first enjoyable AF rock show. I did go to a show or two but it was too early in my AF life. Everything seemed either boring or annoying or overwhelming. Not fun. But it was the wrong show, wrong time in my AF life. I think it'll be different story next time.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Lately I've been plagued with obsessive thoughts of fear and insecurity, about not being "enough" and everyone secretly dislikes me, I have to act this way or that way so people will accept me, etc etc. It's been really tiresome and annoying. I'm putting other people above me, up on a pedestal of social heirarchy and feeling like I don't measure up. Super annoying.

I've been doing it generally, like oh no am I offending this person or that person at work, even driving, am I pissing off others in traffic, blah blah. I'm always trying to be perfect and perfectly non-offending, hoping everyone accepts me, likes me, thinks I'm super cool etc. The thoughts seem obsessive and it's really lame. Specifically there's a person at my new workplace who I find strange, who I fear thinks I'm super lame etc. It's so bizarre.

I had an epiphany though. I know none of these thoughts matter, and they're not based in reality- they are lizard-brain nonsense. Fears of "make sure I'm accepted in the tribe" stuff. I liken them more to muscle spasms or cramps that need to be worked out. I am not my thoughts, I am not my fears, I am not my emotions, just like I am not my arm or my leg. These irrational thoughts of fear, insecurity, worries of acceptance are just brain spasms firing off for really no reason at all.

Lastly, some thoughts copied/pasted from the Gratitude thread:

NoSugar and Pav, thanks for the reminder of the upcoming 200 and the encouragement Hey whoa I just noticed for the first time that "encouragement" has the word "courage" in it. Like lending some courage to others. That's cool, I could often use some (except for liquid courage, haha, which I relied on almost exclusively in my darker days).

Today I'm grateful for the opportunity to train all weekend with a big time Mixed-Martial Arts/Brazilian Jiu Jitsu trainer. A nationally-recognized top trainer guy in his mid-60's who's awesome. He's gonna train me to use proper breathing, mobility, etc. I am excited that he just happened to be in my city this weekend, and I'm able to seize the opportunity!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Lately I've been plagued with obsessive thoughts of fear and insecurity, about not being "enough" and everyone secretly dislikes me, I have to act this way or that way so people will accept me, etc etc. It's been really tiresome and annoying. I'm putting other people above me, up on a pedestal of social heirarchy and feeling like I don't measure up. Super annoying.

I've been doing it generally, like oh no am I offending this person or that person at work, even driving, am I pissing off others in traffic, blah blah. I'm always trying to be perfect and perfectly non-offending, hoping everyone accepts me, likes me, thinks I'm super cool etc. The thoughts seem obsessive and it's really lame. Specifically there's a person at my new workplace who I find strange, who I fear thinks I'm super lame etc. and that I have to make sure he and his "cool people" accept me. It's so bizarre.

I had an epiphany though. I know none of these thoughts matter, and they're not based in reality- they are lizard-brain nonsense. Fears of "make sure I'm accepted in the tribe" stuff. Maybe they served a purpose at one time but are not useful today. I am not my thoughts, I am not my fears, I am not my emotions, just like I am not my arm or my leg. I liken them more to muscle spasms or cramps that need to be worked out. These irrational thoughts of fear, insecurity, worries of acceptance are just brain spasms firing off for really no reason at all.

I do notice that this has happened before during my AF time, at around 3-4 weeks sober, and again another time or two, I think. Weird, obsessive fears coming out seemingly out of nowhere. In that case it was anger (probably brought on by fear). This time it's just social fears.

I am sure they're also being brought on by the fact that I am re-engaging in the world more these days, particularly with my new work space. First time in about 5 years that I've shared a workspace with other people as opposed to working from home by myself, so everything and everyone seems odd, awkward, and I feel like I want to run back to my hidey hole. Sheesh. I'll get over it.

Lastly, some thoughts copied/pasted from the Gratitude thread:

NoSugar and Pav, thanks for the reminder of the upcoming 200 and the encouragement Hey whoa I just noticed for the first time that "encouragement" has the word "courage" in it. Like lending some courage to others. That's cool, I could often use some (except for liquid courage, haha, which I relied on almost exclusively in my darker days).

Today I'm grateful for the opportunity to train all weekend with a big time Mixed-Martial Arts/Brazilian Jiu Jitsu trainer. A nationally-recognized top trainer guy in his mid-60's who's awesome. He's gonna train me to use proper breathing, mobility, etc. I am excited that he just happened to be in my city this weekend, and I'm able to seize the opportunity!

[bkyogagurl]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull-- my badass MMA/JJT man..

Totally completely identify with your above statements about people pleasing. This is something I have been working on viciously.. I used to do the same thing even trying to be polite in traffic...
So goofy... I have been trying to embrace who I am and love myself. Telling myself it's makes no never mind what people think of me cause they are lucky to know a cool chick like me...
So strange how we look for acceptance and love in totally strangers.. I think we must have some similar insecurities and past experiences that make us this way.

It's that learning to love thy self thing that seems so hard to achieve..
I tried to become a completely different person to fit in with my inlaws and I also did it in my relationship with my husband. I did everything to become what I thought he wanted a perfect wife and mother to be..
What a mess...
I think it lending to my drinking because I couldn't keep the facade up.

Enough about me... I wanted to stop in and give you a great big virtual hug!
(((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))

I answered you back on my thread you gotta read it... You will laugh.

I'm so dang proud of you for working so hard in every area of you life. Do let those lizard brain thoughts poison your mind... You are an AWESOME dude and people should part the way when they see you coming.... Maybe these people aren't worthy of you... And I find if someone is sending off a negative vibe it is usually their very insecurities that make them present this... Or they are just a plain ole asshole.


Ps. Maybe they are feeling like Batman in the rain...

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

bkyogagurl;1662037 wrote: Skull-- my badass MMA/JJT man..

Totally completely identify with your above statements about people pleasing. This is something I have been working on viciously.. I used to do the same thing even trying to be polite in traffic...
So goofy... I have been trying to embrace who I am and love myself. Telling myself it's makes no never mind what people think of me cause they are lucky to know a cool chick like me...
So strange how we look for acceptance and love in totally strangers.. I think we must have some similar insecurities and past experiences that make us this way.

It's that learning to love thy self thing that seems so hard to achieve..
I tried to become a completely different person to fit in with my inlaws and I also did it in my relationship with my husband. I did everything to become what I thought he wanted a perfect wife and mother to be..
What a mess...
I think it lending to my drinking because I couldn't keep the facade up.

Enough about me... I wanted to stop in and give you a great big virtual hug!
(((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))

I answered you back on my thread you gotta read it... You will laugh.

I'm so dang proud of you for working so hard in every area of you life. Do let those lizard brain thoughts poison your mind... You are an AWESOME dude and people should part the way when they see you coming.... Maybe these people aren't worthy of you... And I find if someone is sending off a negative vibe it is usually their very insecurities that make them present this... Or they are just a plain ole asshole.


Ps. Maybe they are feeling like Batman in the rain...

Thanks so much for the post, buddy! Sounds like you can really relate-- I know I'm not the only one out there who feels these insecurities, and it's nice to be reminded so. Yes it is so strange how we seek the acceptance of others. People-pleasing behavior is so strange and can be so tiresome. I do think I'm getting better at real self-acceptance, dare I say even self-love. It's a process, though. Just like with exercise and fitness goals... internal strength is built in a slow, long, hopefully disciplined process or lifestyle.

Thanks for the sweet words, and your comment about the Hulk guy, and sad Batman, made me smile