Skullbaby's Progress

[Zooey]

Skullbaby's Progress

Hello, this is my first post. I started looking at this forum recently in relation to baclofen and found myself reading your thread. Clearly a good read because I got all the way through. And then it stopped! So I have been very much wondering what happened to you. But you're back and doing well! So just wanted to say hi and how pleased for you I am! I find your story inspiring. Am hoping by continuing to read yours and others it will help me on my way to stop or at least moderate my drinking. I have just started on baclofen 2 weeks ago. Going very slowly as I am terrified of being sleepy at work. So only on 30 mg and still drinking. I had asked a doctor for a script, having not read anything about dosages. With almost no discussion, he wrote a script for 30mg a day. (Didn't even ask me how much I drink) Which I now see is woefully inadequate! So not sure what he based that on! But I do have lots of repeats so am planning to titrate myself slowly up and hope for the best!
Anyway, I really appreciate the fact that you and other members have shared your stories so freely and that I can read them. It helps! As at this stage, I am still only starting to acknowledge the reality that I am alcohol dependent. Thank you.
Zooey

[Lostinspace]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull - I'm not sure what my long-term plan is regarding bac. I'm still not even at my switch yet, so it's a little too early to say, but I definitely plan on staying on it for a good couple years at least.

I'm not sure I want to stay on it for the rest of my life, so I probably will start to titrate down at some point in the distant future. But if I find myself starting to crave again and backsliding into drinking too much, then I might have to reconsider. Taking a pill indefinitely is far preferable to living the way I have been.

And :welcome: Zooey. Glad you decided to join us. Yes, 30 mg is pretty low, so that's good that you recognize that are not discouraged by the lack of results yet. Good luck in your titration.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Zooey;1689106 wrote: Hello, this is my first post. I started looking at this forum recently in relation to baclofen and found myself reading your thread. Clearly a good read because I got all the way through. And then it stopped! So I have been very much wondering what happened to you. But you're back and doing well! So just wanted to say hi and how pleased for you I am! I find your story inspiring. Am hoping by continuing to read yours and others it will help me on my way to stop or at least moderate my drinking. I have just started on baclofen 2 weeks ago. Going very slowly as I am terrified of being sleepy at work. So only on 30 mg and still drinking. I had asked a doctor for a script, having not read anything about dosages. With almost no discussion, he wrote a script for 30mg a day. (Didn't even ask me how much I drink) Which I now see is woefully inadequate! So not sure what he based that on! But I do have lots of repeats so am planning to titrate myself slowly up and hope for the best!
Anyway, I really appreciate the fact that you and other members have shared your stories so freely and that I can read them. It helps! As at this stage, I am still only starting to acknowledge the reality that I am alcohol dependent. Thank you.
Zooey

Zooey, welcome and thanks for the lovely post. I am always so grateful and happy when I hear that my thread is helpful for others- that's even more than I ever really dared hope for but if it turned out to be so, I'm so happy for that.

I think you're right to go slow and steady to take it easy on SE's. Do you have a plan for the possibility (probability) of going above 30mg? 30mg is pretty low and most people don't experience benefits til a higher dose- I consider myself lucky to have benefitted at what most would consider a low dose, 80mg. That said, I feel that being on that dose a long time (like over a year) made all the difference. I think slow and steady titration, and consistency for months at a time, is paramount to success regarding baclofen.

I am glad to hear that you're admitting the hard truths of alcohol dependance. It's such a terrible state of being, but it can be beat. It's hard, sucky, and often BORING as fuck. But it's also often fun, surprising, exciting. YOu'll grow a lot if you keep with it, and feeling strength of body and mind return to you is a really lovely feeling.

Keep updating us here! And consider starting your own progress thread so we can all read about your progress- it's a great thing to do while you're on this journey of recovery. And believe me, it IS a journey. A long one, but a very worthwhile one.

Best to you- Skullbaby

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Lostinspace;1689325 wrote: Skull - I'm not sure what my long-term plan is regarding bac. I'm still not even at my switch yet, so it's a little too early to say, but I definitely plan on staying on it for a good couple years at least.

I'm not sure I want to stay on it for the rest of my life, so I probably will start to titrate down at some point in the distant future. But if I find myself starting to crave again and backsliding into drinking too much, then I might have to reconsider. Taking a pill indefinitely is far preferable to living the way I have been.

And :welcome: Zooey. Glad you decided to join us. Yes, 30 mg is pretty low, so that's good that you recognize that are not discouraged by the lack of results yet. Good luck in your titration.

LiS, thanks for posting. Yeah, I'm thinking in similar terms- a couple years on bac at least. As to titrating down, when I do that, I know I need to do it at a snail's pace and really monitor cravings, cuz I'd hate to undo my progress and find myself drinking alcoholically again. The thought of doing all this over again is frightening. I just want to do it right the first time and have it really work.

I'll pop into your thread today and see how things are progressing for you, LiS- hope all's well!

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

I've been feeling pretty insecure lately, scared for the future. Lots of anxieties- what if I lose my job, what if people don't like my art, what if people don't love me any more. Outside of just having to work through insecurites sometimes as we all do, I think there's a baclofen component- I just started slowly reducing my dosage a bit, only down by 5mg (from 80 to 75mg) and all these anxieties got really magnified. Man, am I sensitive to dosage changes... no way around that. But I have like 3 more trips in the next 6 weeks that I have to be present and able to handle, and I think it was a mis-step to attempt a change in dosage. I think I am going to go back to, and stay at, my regular dose of 80 until my 3 trips are over. Man, October can't come soon enough. In October begins Operation: Homebody. I can't wait.

Til then I will need to remain strong. As insecurities and anxieties flare up, I need to do the work to find balance and soothe and/or face my fears.

I posted this today over in the Gratitude thread-

Today I am grateful that i am enough. I have enough- enough to eat, enough shelter, enough love, enough strength. If I lose my job, I am skilled enough to find another. Even if there are those who no longer love me or have turned their backs on me, I am still worthy enough of love that more will come into my life. I am enough.

[kronkcarr]

Skullbaby's Progress

skull,

Congratulations on your journey. How different your life sounds from when you started baclofen. Isn't it amazing?

I'm reading a book, The Rise: Creativity, The Gift of Failure and The Search for Mastery, by Sarah Lewis and the chapter titled Arctic Summer: Surrender made me think of you. So far I find this book motivational. Check it out to see if it may fit for you.

[Lostinspace]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull - I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough go of things right now. Having three big trips (I'm assuming work-related trips) would definitely be enough to make your insecurities flare up on their own. It's definitely a good move not to mess with your bac dosage right now.

I really like what you posted in the gratitude thread, but it sounds like you're having a hard time actually believing those words. Try to make it your mantra for the time being, especially the last part about being skilled enough and worthy enough of love.

Although I suspect that you probably have no real need to fear losing your job or loved ones at the moment. Insecurities sometimes have a funny way of getting even worse when we're doing all the right things. Hang in there. It will get better. :l

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

kronkcarr;1690513 wrote: skull,

Congratulations on your journey. How different your life sounds from when you started baclofen. Isn't it amazing?

I'm reading a book, The Rise: Creativity, The Gift of Failure and The Search for Mastery, by Sarah Lewis and the chapter titled Arctic Summer: Surrender made me think of you. So far I find this book motivational. Check it out to see if it may fit for you.

Ooh, thanks for the recommendation, Kronk- I'm going to go check it out right now. I am curious, in what sense did that chapter remind you of me?

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Lostinspace;1690533 wrote: Skull - I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough go of things right now. Having three big trips (I'm assuming work-related trips) would definitely be enough to make your insecurities flare up on their own. It's definitely a good move not to mess with your bac dosage right now.

I really like what you posted in the gratitude thread, but it sounds like you're having a hard time actually believing those words. Try to make it your mantra for the time being, especially the last part about being skilled enough and worthy enough of love.

Although I suspect that you probably have no real need to fear losing your job or loved ones at the moment. Insecurities sometimes have a funny way of getting even worse when we're doing all the right things. Hang in there. It will get better. :l

Thanks, Lis- It's not actually too bad of a rough go- just a little bumpy. Minor bumps that could add up to major damage if I don't keep the machine well-kept, you know?

When I look at my life objectively, it's actually pretty damn good, contrary to my never-ending insecurities about it. Even so, I tend to journal here about every little thing, every little bump in the road, whether they seem big or small, because I find it helpful to examine these things closely. Otherwise my thinking becomes murky and things go off-rail.

But yeah, I'm not looking forward to my trips- well, one of them, anyway. A work trip in which I will need to perform. To not only prove my skills to a brand-new team but also to prove my value as an employee. I am in a unique position, being an offsite remote employee, and my performance and value is being watched closely right now by the higher ups. I am told my job is secure for the time being but I do need to remind everyone why my privileged position is justified at all.

As to actually believing my words- well, sometimes I do but sometimes, you are right, I don't. That's why it is definitely helpful as a mantra- a constant reminder. I AM skilled enough that my job is secure for now, and even if it doesn't stay, I am skilled enough to find another. This constant reminder helps me when those anxieties creep up seemingly out of nowhere. Sometimes they seem endless, it's exhausting.

Speaking of mantras... An interesting thing I've been doing lately- and this may sound a little goofy or whatever- but I've been practicing something lately that I heard discussed on the excellent Mental Health Happy Hour podcast (highly recommended listening, btw). The idea is, when I look into the mirror, I look at my reflection and say to myself the words "I love you". Audibly, out loud. The first time was really tough, actually- I shuddered and almost couldn't say it. It's an interesting exercise to just do it, and see what feelings it brings up. Now, I try to say it out loud every time I look in the mirror, looking deep into my own eyes without turning away. It's a trip- sometimes it feels scary and weird, sometimes I want to laugh and roll my eyes, but sometimes... it feels really good. Sometimes I believe myself when I hear the words, sometimes I don't.

Anyway... yeah, a little silly maybe but I find it a worthwhile experience. Learning to love ourselves is important.

Thanks for the post, Lis.

[Lostinspace]

Skullbaby's Progress

Glad to hear that it's more of a bump in the road than a rough patch. And that one trip does sound pretty nerve-racking, but I'm sure you'll do just fine

And, yeah, I agree that learning to love ourselves is important. I'm getting better, but still have a lot of work to do in that area. I can't see myself doing the mirror thing, though. I would either be rolling my eyes, or my inner two-year-old would come out and I would just stand there making goofy faces at myself :H

Seriously though, I've loved reading about all the positive changes you're making to improve both your physical and mental health (which go hand in hand and influence each other). Despite your drinking history, and all the misery that invites, you're probably already more sane than most people walking on this planet. And it can only get better

[Zooey]

Skullbaby's Progress

Thanks LIS and SBL for your responses. Very encouraging! just went up to 40 mg yesterday and spent last night very dizzy with a spaced out kind of feeling which came on about an hour after I took the dose. I was a bit surprised as I thought I might need to take more before side effects kicked in. Had actually thought I was take an extra 20 rather than 10mg before that happened, so glad I didn't! Today I woke feeling better but still feeling kind of zonked. I don't have to work again for a few days, so hoping it will pass before I do. Can't imagine coping with faster titration, that some have managed!
Good luck with your trips. As a long time anxiety sufferer, my experience is that anticipation is usually far worse than the reality of most things. Your trips will probably go much better than you expect including the one where you feel you have to justify yourself. Good luck!

[kronkcarr]

Skullbaby's Progress

skull,

I think the book reminded me of you because of the ups and downs of your feelings and thoughts about your creativity. It's not a self help book but, for me, it's motivational. I'm interested to hear what you think.

[skullbabyland]

Skullbaby's Progress

Lostinspace;1690940 wrote: Glad to hear that it's more of a bump in the road than a rough patch. And that one trip does sound pretty nerve-racking, but I'm sure you'll do just fine

And, yeah, I agree that learning to love ourselves is important. I'm getting better, but still have a lot of work to do in that area. I can't see myself doing the mirror thing, though. I would either be rolling my eyes, or my inner two-year-old would come out and I would just stand there making goofy faces at myself :H

Seriously though, I've loved reading about all the positive changes you're making to improve both your physical and mental health (which go hand in hand and influence each other). Despite your drinking history, and all the misery that invites, you're probably already more sane than most people walking on this planet. And it can only get better
I hear you. The mirror thing- it sounded silly to me too. I decided to force myself to do it, just to see if i even COULD. I really didn't think I could- I thought it'd either be too silly, or I'm too cool for that, or more honestly, I was scared because I didn't think I'd believe it. It was a really interesting exercise though, I'd still recommend it. I learned a lot about myself just by doing it, it's a trip.

Thanks for the kind words- yep I'm definitely doing a lot of work on myself. Yesterday I jumped around in this progress thread, reading random posts of mine from earlier in the process. I am really happy I journal here so much because I find it so valuable to go back and remind myself where I was vs. where I am now, and where I could be again if I'm not careful..

Anyway, yep mental health and physical health, so linked- working on both is so important and I think I'm making good progress.

Zooey;1691024 wrote: Thanks LIS and SBL for your responses. Very encouraging! just went up to 40 mg yesterday and spent last night very dizzy with a spaced out kind of feeling which came on about an hour after I took the dose. I was a bit surprised as I thought I might need to take more before side effects kicked in. Had actually thought I was take an extra 20 rather than 10mg before that happened, so glad I didn't! Today I woke feeling better but still feeling kind of zonked. I don't have to work again for a few days, so hoping it will pass before I do. Can't imagine coping with faster titration, that some have managed!
Good luck with your trips. As a long time anxiety sufferer, my experience is that anticipation is usually far worse than the reality of most things. Your trips will probably go much better than you expect including the one where you feel you have to justify yourself. Good luck!

Zooey, good to hear you're encouraged and sticking with the protocol. As you may know from my thread, I always advocate a slow titration because the SE's can be so annoying/interfering with life, work, etc. I too experienced most of my SE's at low doses, well anywhere from 20 to 80 mg. I think it's less about dosage amount and more about time spent on the medication. I've been on it over a year and have no SE's at all, and haven't for months. Of course, that changes when I adjust dosage, but when at a steady dose I do great. YOu'll get there, soon everything will seem normal and even healthy

As to the anxiety- yes your point is well said! Too true- the anticipation is always worse and the actual occurence is hardly ever even a big deal. Anxiety is such a beast sometimes. Thanks for the encouragement, I'm sure I'll do well on the trip.

Keep up the good work!

kronkcarr;1691097 wrote: skull,

I think the book reminded me of you because of the ups and downs of your feelings and thoughts about your creativity. It's not a self help book but, for me, it's motivational. I'm interested to hear what you think.

Cool. I got it on my tablet and will begin reading soon. I love motivational books. Thanks for the recommendation, Kronk

[Lostinspace]

Skullbaby's Progress

Skull - I agree completely. I also have already found it useful to journal a lot here. Even though I've only been around for a little under two months, I can already see a huge change in myself. Not only in that I'm drinking so much less, but there's been a shift in my attitude.

When I read those early posts, it almost takes me back in time, and I'm reminded of what I felt like at that point - how desperately sad and self-hating I was. My mental health has improved dramatically in such a short period of time. And please keep posting here, not just for yourself, but for all of us who love to see your progress and feel inspired to follow suit.

Zooey - I'm glad to hear you're still sticking with it. I've been very lucky in not having to deal with bad side effects, but I would agree with Skull, that the unusually noticeable effects can sometimes be greater at lower doses, and when you've only been on bac for a short period of time.

When I started on bac the first time around, I noticed very profound muscle relaxant effects, and the tendency to just sit and stare into space, at around 45 to 60 mg. As someone who seems to make it her life mission to be tense, this was not a bad SE of course. And that's one reason why, I guess, I've said I had no SEs on bac. But as my body got used to it, and I went up in dose and spent more time on it, that feeling wore off.

I apologize if this doesn't sound very helpful for the dizziness you're now experiencing. My point is, the mental and physical effects of bac were far more noticeable to me at lower doses than they are now.

Give yourself a chance to adjust to your dose now. Then, when you titrate up again, you might be surprised how well your body handles it. Or possibly not. Unfortunately, everyone is so different, it's impossible to predict how any given person will respond to a certain dose. But, from everything I've read here, people who stick it out long enough do eventually stop having SEs. Anyway, it's good to "see" you again

[Zooey]

Skullbaby's Progress

Zooey, good to hear you're encouraged and sticking with the protocol. As you may know from my thread, I always advocate a slow titration because the SE's can be so annoying/interfering with life, work, etc. I too experienced most of my SE's at low doses, well anywhere from 20 to 80 mg. I think it's less about dosage amount and more about time spent on the medication. I've been on it over a year and have no SE's at all, and haven't for months. Of course, that changes when I adjust dosage, but when at a steady dose I do great. YOu'll get there, soon everything will seem normal and even healthy
Zooey - I'm glad to hear you're still sticking with it. I've been very lucky in not having to deal with bad side effects, but I would agree with Skull, that the unusually noticeable effects can sometimes be greater at lower doses, and when you've only been on bac for a short period of time.

When I started on bac the first time around, I noticed very profound muscle relaxant effects, and the tendency to just sit and stare into space, at around 45 to 60 mg. As someone who seems to make it her life mission to be tense, this was not a bad SE of course. And that's one reason why, I guess, I've said I had no SEs on bac. But as my body got used to it, and I went up in dose and spent more time on it, that feeling wore off.

Thanks again LIS and SBL. I had meant to get back to this earlier, but I have been spending a lot of time staring into space and forgetting things! Have to say it is driving me a bit crazy. I'm not usually one to forget my keys etc As for afternoon somnolence, I almost fell off my chair at work the other day. Most disconcerting! I have a sedentary job and don't have the option to get up and move much, so it is quite challenging. I'm still only on 50mg and planning to go up to 60 mg tomorrow. I have been taking 20mg in the morning and 30mg in the late afternoon, but I'm wondering if it would help to take a lunchtime dose? Had avoided that, because I was fearful of the sleepiness, but as I'm pretty much zonked all day at the moment, I wonder if it would actually help?
Also, my drinking is pretty much the same, if not a little increased. So that's a bit boring. But still planning to hang in there. Can see why people get put off though. I'm sometimes having trouble stringing my words together. I am extremely vague!!
Anyway thanks again for your support and hope that all is going well for you too!