Abstinence Challenge

[Juan BH]

Abstinence Challenge

Well that sounds familiar to me Neo. It sounds like your relationship with alcohol is changing and that is a good sign! I remember that happening as I was titrating up and it encouraged me to keep going because I knew the baclofen was working.

I find myself thinking about alcohol sometimes now that I'm indifferent, too. If I'm bored or frustrated or depressed about things, that is. Sometimes I just want to drink to escape reality, but not having the physical cravings allows me keep myself in check. I just have to be sad or pissed off or feel hopeless for a while until things get better. And they do, eventually. It's kind of strange to have to feel these things after numbing myself for so long, but I guess that's what people are supposed to do right?

I really hope this gets easier!

[StuckinLA]

Abstinence Challenge

It does sound like progress, Neo. Maybe it's helpful to think about the distinction between "lapse" and "relapse"? Technically this is all in terms of long-term abstinence, but a "lapse" is defined as 4 or fewer drinks - then back to abstinence, with "never drinking again" of course being really the only goal still, as far as the current psychobabble model of recovery. "Relapse" is defined as returning to pre-recovery drinking.

I don't think in these terms, but do find it nice to have some kind of terminology outside "all or nothing," even within an abstinence paradigm.

Holy God, all of that was really poorly-worded. Oh well, I was high out of my mind last night and maybe still a little foggy...

[neophyte]

Abstinence Challenge

sigh, another night with 7 drinks in me, i almost ran to the liquor store to buy more, i didnt though, that was after 2 days AF.

how do i beat this demon?

i consumed mdma, about 250mg worth on friday night, a huge mistake in retrospect, i just wanted to get fucked up but i justified it because my SO wanted to do it and i had some things i wanted to talk about. normally mdma is great for therapy and bringing things to the surface and i stand by that, but it was too early in my recovery to do that. Maybe in the future at some point.

i am now in a deep depression 3 days after mdma, so i drank and i took some valium and codeine to squash those demons of circular thoughts that never leave me alone. I recently left my current job to go to another job but freaked the fuck out after 3 weeks and came crawling back. my quick abrupt return lifted some eye brows in the office and i am haunted by it... what do they think? etc etc, just leads to paranoia and wow bad for me and my anxiety.

I left my job because i felt so sick and tired, but it was drinking that did that to me, but in my new job i had no motivation, i hated the job and i only could think of my old job with rose colored glasses, which was not the reality; the old role, it was a cozy role where i could drink and be on auto pilot. I came back to the old role and realized that alcohol caused this whole shit storm in my life where i couldnt hack anything remotely challenging becuase of the booze and i needed the comfort of my old job. now i feel like a loser just coasting by in this role, i want to leave again.

I know though that the mdma post depression and building a new me without alcohol is painting everything black.its just so hard right now.

now i just want to sit here and feel sorry for myself. a few more days and everything will be better, i know this.

i watched rain in my heart, a documentary about alcoholism, i could relate so much to what those poor sods were going through. it made me thankful that i never progressed into day drinking. i recommend the documentary, it was interesting. though i find myself looking at dark things on the internet which do not help my recovery.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Abstinence Challenge

Hi, Neo. I know we don't know each other but I wanted to reach out anyway.

So...Suicidal thoughts freak me the eff out because I've lost some friends along this journey. Sounds like you're in that deep, dark place. It also sounds like you know that it GETS BETTER. I swear to you on all I hold dear, it gets better.

Rain in my heart? Hayzeus. Come on now. That thing really messed me up back in the day. I don't know about you but I never found that kind of thing very inspiring. It wasn't the impetus to get well. It was depressing and made me feel hopeless. Even now I avoid that kind of stuff. I KNOW all too well the darkness, I don't need it up in my face and swirling around right before I go to sleep. Try this: Hyperbole and a Half. It's my favorite right now. But if that doesn't work for you, try this one: "yeah thats not what I was looking for at all.". I've spent countless hours investigating that guy's twisted sense of humor. omg. I love him and am so thankful I don't know anyone like him!!

Part of the getting-better-thing is that YOU will get better. I can't recommend what to do exactly, because I don't know you and I'm not a medical professional. What I DO know is that baclofen made my alcoholism disappear. I also know that baclofen is not a medication to be taken lightly, and that changes can really fuck people up. Couple that with what I remember about MDMA (a looooong time ago) and boy-o, you're brain chemistry has some settling down to do.

So how about if you give yourself a little bit of a break? Treat yourself like you have the flu (a brain-chemistry-flu) and take it easy. Think nice thoughts about yourself. (Make yourself do it. Don't let yourself talk badly about yourself. Really. Trite but true.) And just be gentle. If I could have a magic wish, it would be that you (and all of us really) could spend a couple of hours thinking good thoughts about ourselves and not being brutally mean.

(I was walking the dog yesterday and thinking thoughts, as one does when walking the dog. I was timing my thoughts with my footsteps, a cadence of sorts. I suddenly "heard" what I was saying to myself. "I'm not worthy. Not worthy. Not worthy. Not worthy." I literally stopped walking and was like WHAT THE F&CK KAREN? WHY are you thinking such awful things about yourself? My point is that it's hard to control the mind, but well worth it to pay attention to what we say to ourselves. Depression is not a trifling thing. And you know what? Fuck that. Life is really lovely when my brain chemistry isn't out of whack. And because I've been really well and healthy and happy for more than two years, I know that I can get back to being well and happy and healthy. I know you can too. )

I've got to get to class, so I can't read over this and make sure it makes sense. Hopefully it'll make sense to someone. I'll try not to delete it, but no promises!

If you are actively thinking about, and planning for, ending your life, please go to the hospital right now. They will help you, despite what you might think.

[skullbabyland]

Abstinence Challenge

Neo... sorry to hear about your recent difficulties buddy. I got no advice, just saying that I sympathize. Last week has been pretty spectacularly unsuccessful for me too.

I'm back to re-commit as of today, being the 1st of November, for (at least) 30 days AF.

Day 1

[StuckinLA]

Abstinence Challenge

Noboozevember?

Sounds like a plan.

[neophyte]

Abstinence Challenge

so my mental health is much improved. doing mdma was a bad idea, the post mdma depression gave me an excuse to drink, on and off. yesterday i had a bottle of wine and a an extra glass. for some reason it floored me ridiculously, i dont even know why i did it, i wasnt craving particularly badly. i was feeling better but i justified it becasuse i was having my friends over today and iw as going to drink and then put in 90 days AF this time, no ifs no buts. my SO went out and i guess i figured this was a "last time" to get wasted on my own and then with my friends before i get back to work on my sobriety.

but yeah, yesterday was bad, i blacked out after that alcohol, usually im fine after even 2 bottles. i passed out on the floor in my living room and my SO came home and found me and thought i was dead. she roused me awake gently and i woke up in terror, not knowing where i was or what and this dark figure over me. over the last year or so, the booze has caused me to wake up with extreme anxiety and i jump at shadows. one time i saw a shadow on the wall and i leaped out of bed to grab it thinking it was an intruder. one time my SO came over to me and i didnt know who it was so i tried to do grapple with her before realizing who she was. yesterday when i was startled she is more cautious and i simply paniced until i realised where i was, luckily i didnt think she was an intruder this time.

i guess yesterday was a wake up call, im going AF today for at least 90 days, maybe forever, i dont care if my friends are coming over, its no excuse, im generally more enjoyable as company when im not plastered anyway.

[skullbabyland]

Abstinence Challenge

Next time drinking seems like a good idea, and it will, ('just one more hurrah', etc) try to remember the panic and fear that the drinking causes you and your SO. That's what I plan to do, since I always seem to "conveniently forget" the consequences.

I've had many wake-up calls... sometimes involving embarassing or dangerous situations. Most only woke me up for a short time. It's really so hard to remember them for a consistent period... but we have to try to do so.

[skullbabyland]

Abstinence Challenge

Also, try to embrace the "boring" you- the you that stays in, or cooks, watches movies or reads books. That kind of boring can become end up feeling like adult maturity and become quite enjoyable.

[StuckinLA]

Abstinence Challenge

Adult maturity is never enjoyable! How dare you perpetuate these lies!

Though come to think of it, I stay in a lot... But the weird thing is that I get out more now that I *don't* drink. I used to just sit around in my apartment, or even just my bedroom, and drink. Now I actually go places - like all those cool bars that I was always too drunk to go to? Yeah, I check all those out now and it's a lot of fun.

[neophyte]

Abstinence Challenge

thanks guys for the tips, i will remember those. i think the trouble is embracing the boring me as you said it skull, its tough, i would fill my nights with booze and now i find myself bored. before it was relentless cravings and boredom. now its just boredom. Booze, even if i want it to fill the void, it doesnt fill that gap anymore, baclofen has changed what booze does to me. it just fucks me up, but provides little euphoria and messed up hang overs.

[skullbabyland]

Abstinence Challenge

Yeah, it's crucial to fill your "boring" days and nights with stuff that is at least marginally fun. For me it's been cooking, reading, weight training, and tv/movies. Even organizing/cleaning. I know, it all sounds about as boring as paint drying, but for me I've found that learning how to do these basic adult skills have become pretty entertaining and satisfying, maybe because it feels like cleaning up the shambles of my life and getting it in order.

I've decided to re-frame that the drinking me is not a fun, easygoing, confident, easy go lucky dude- he's a sick, embarassing, deluded, poisoned, sad case. The sober me is a confident, humble, strong, person getting by in life day to day, and far far preferable to be around. All this is actually true

[skullbabyland]

Abstinence Challenge

Day 2 AF

[Juan BH]

Abstinence Challenge

Yes Skull-

I will blow the leaves and do some laundry today, maybe get a run in this afternoon, too. Being sober just takes some time to get used to. And instead of passing out tonight, I'll raise a glass of iced lime water to you guys for hanging in there and getting back on the horse. Well done gentlemen!

[StuckinLA]

Abstinence Challenge

Old Milwaukee makes an NA now, I just found out. Picked it up because it's only 9 bucks for a 12 pack, got home and cracked one open. Thought man, this tastes like godawful piss! What a waste.

Then I remembered that Old Milwaukee tastes like godawful piss anyway, so WTF was I expecting. And now I feel much better.