I drank after 3 months AF

[bleep]

I drank after 3 months AF

I'm a bit late to this party, but here is my take regardless:

The sponsor thing - I'm not familiar with AA, but logic tells me that if I am looking to someone for guidance, then I either tell him the whole story, or don't bother in the first place.

As to the drinking, while it is not necessarily the train smash that it potentially could be with other forms of recovery, it's still not a good thing. Clearly you are not at your switch dose, although it is perhaps complicated by other issues. You will need to decide how you are going to handle it, and your choices are pretty simple. You can either abstain while going for it, or you can drink. If you aren't at your switch dose, your drinking will be bog-standard alcoholic drinking, as JD points out so clearly above, with all of the attendant crap that we all know and love.

I wouldn't go mad on the titration, just keep going at the same pace.

Best of luck either way man.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I drank after 3 months AF

hmmmmmm...

Boy. I remember the first time I got sober in AA. It was around 1993, I think. I drank the kool-aid and then thought I had ALL the answers and started telling rather than asking. Gotta love newbies, don't you JD? I'm still amazed at the patience my regular group had with me. Ah well. Thinking about that reminds me that I tried the whole "go try to drink normally thing" and while it took more than a year for me to get back to my regularly scheduled alcoholic drinking, I (of course) relapsed. That doesn't happen when you treat the disease with medication.

In addition to seeing a therapist, I did some work with someone after I was indifferent in order to sort out some of the things that the 12 steps often help with. My coach didn't know I was an alcoholic. It was irrelevant. I would have done the steps, but I cannot concede to the lie that "I am powerless over alcohol." (Ironically, I may be powerless over every other damn thing in my life, but not alcohol.)

Don't get me wrong, I love AA. But I tend to agree that the two programs don't mesh very well. One is to treat a disease with a medicine. The other is to treat the human condition. The people who have invested their sobriety in the fact that AA keeps them sober aren't happy about the truth that you can treat the disease with a pill and actually not be an alcoholic anymore.

So tell your sponsor, or don't. Whatever. You can still do some good work there.

And drink, or don't drink. If you take the pills you'll still stop being an alcoholic drinker.

My experience is that I drank all the way up to 320mg over 4 months. Still worked, but it sucked.
My strength lies in the fact that I am not powerless and can treat a disease with medicine, and seek spiritual guidance wherever I want.
My hope is that others find the same solace in those two facts.

Peace out, peeps.

(SLa--nah. I wasn't thinking of you. But ya' know...if it fits. )

[JDizzle]

I drank after 3 months AF

Ne/Neva Eva;1526703 wrote:

So tell your sponsor, or don't. Whatever. You can still do some good work there.

Thanks for living rent free in my head for a week. I can't tell what I think about that. I always thought u can't get anything done in there by half measures... U know availing me nothing and what not. Not because people always say that but because it seemed true. If I go to meetings not admitting I drank or that I'm gonna drink next weekend, I may as well not go. If I didn't throw myself 100% into it, I got nothing out of it. Maybe that hot chick would keep me showing up for a week or two. You know... The healthy one I asked to sponsor me. She's my friend now and I've never asked her what she thought of that (like 15 years ago). OMG I'm NEVER going to ask her what she thought of that... Hahahaha what a douche. Anyways, so this has perked my thought. I wonder if u can get something out of it. Maybe it's me. I'm kind of an extreme case I guess. And maybe if I hadn't relapsed so much, my experience would be different. Barstool big book thumpers are a different breed.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I drank after 3 months AF

JDizzle;1526785 wrote: Thanks for living rent free in my head for a week. You're welcome?

JDizzle;1526785 wrote: I always thought u can't get anything done in there by half measures... U know availing me nothing and what not.

The implication is that full measures would get and keep you sober. Perhaps, like me, you figured that the reason you couldn't get and stay sober was because you weren't good enough at it, because you didn't try hard enough, because you were not brutally, excruciatingly honest and self-flagellating enough?

Well, it turns out I had a disease. I took a medication. I stopped drinking alcoholically. And I did not do one bit of self-betterment throughout the whole process. When I went back to AA (because I love my people, feel at home there, and wanted to do the steps again) I found I could not in all honesty "do" the first step. So I started reading and lo and behold, every single manual I read on better living and living better has the same principles. They are timeless. And they don't stop with (even in AA) step 12. Progress not perfection indicates that step 1 (powerlessness) is equal to and works in tandem with step 12, sharing and practicing (kindness, information, support).

I would love a long discussion on the 12 steps, the poignancy, the beauty, the bull shit in them. But it's not relevant here and certainly not relevant to baclofen. You know?

JDizzle;1526785 wrote: Maybe it's me. I'm kind of an extreme case I guess. And maybe if I hadn't relapsed so much, ...

lol. Okay.

[fishcake]

I drank after 3 months AF

I guess where I'm puzzled here is that I can't seem to understand this "indifference" effect that bac offers, yet. I will go out this weekend, and face the consequences, yes I'm planning on drinking so I obviously did not hit my switch. I will come clear with my sponsor as soon as I can meet up with him, was on the phone with him just now and felt the guilt building up as I'm clearly not honest with him about what I've been doing. I think deep inside I'm afraid he won't want to work with me anymore and I can't afford that right now, I made such good progress with him with regards to my character defects, it works so much better for me than a therapist (and it's free!).

I'll keep you posted for this weekend, in the meanwhile, cravings completely disappeared and am not planing on drinking before this weekend.

Thanks for your support, I will have to learn to say goodbye to the sweet euphoric feeling of the alcohol buzz... I'm still curious to see if I can get it without any bad consequences...One can always dream...

[kronkcarr]

I drank after 3 months AF

fishcake,

Yes. I think you nailed it! When you said you still didn't get the indifference thing, for me, it all clicked. If you had hit your switch you'd be indifferent to alcohol and wouldn't be planning drinking a week ahead. When my birthday started to roll around I wanted to get drunk and celebrate, but I know from experience that I go to sleep after 3 drinks--so no birthday celebration like the years before.

I'm really stressed about a trip I'm taking tomorrow--no specific reason--just because I'm anxious. I used to not be aware of my anxiousness because I drank daily. Now I'm uncomfortably aware, but alcohol for relief doesn't pop into my head. For me, that's indifference.

It's good that you'll be honest with your sponsor. Good luck!

[JDizzle]

I drank after 3 months AF

Drink up bud. Stay away from jails, institutions, and death.... Well u don't really have a choice. I'm not one to say don't roll the dice. I ain't ur momma.

[skullbabyland]

I drank after 3 months AF

StuckinLA;1526654 wrote: I am putting this on a T-shirt.

I like you too, Fish, and I'm not being all Judgey McJudgerson, either. In fact, I'm kind of a little jealous if we're being really honest here.

But shit was bad if you were in a sober-living house, yeah?

So 2 things: JD's right. You probably oughta be honest with your sponsor if you're doing AA--'cause otherwise you're not doing AA. And second, you should decide what you want--and pretty quickly--or else you're not going to make it, at least with bac.

Drinking on bac sucks. Because drinking too much sucks. That's just how it is, ya' know? That's why most people don't drink too much. So you're going to run into a very serious problem pretty soon, and that's the fact that the bac is going to dull the drinking-happy-fun-times, and it's going to make the hangovers killer, and it's going to space you out and all that when you get into the higher doses and it's just plain miserable. It's miserable hitting the switch, usually, and drinking makes it worse. And then when you make it, well you don't care about drinking (I know, impossible to imagine right now), and you won't like drinking even a couple drinks at a time. And that probably doesn't sound like something you want right now--I sure didn't want that when I was in your place. So if that isn't what you want for real, and what you're committed to--being cured--then you're just putting yourself through hell for no real reason.

But you may very well not make it there, because titrating up and drinking--and wanting to drink instead of wanting to be cured--is what makes people give up and turn back. They never hit the switch, and then say "bac didn't work for me" or whatever, and they keep on drinking.

I hope you do make it. Believe me. I remember what it was like when I was where you're at. It was like bac was the safety-net. And I could drink and have my "fun" or one-last-hurrah or whatever, while going up. But it was not fun at all. And it takes just about every ounce of commitment in ya' to make it to the switch. And I can't say it enough: drinking while trying to do it makes it all that much worse--almost intolerable.

Wow, this thread in general but this post by Stuck in particular strikes me as a really insightful perspective to keep in mind. I'm going to try to keep this stuff in mind as I go up in dosage and hopefully down in binging!

Thanks all for all the great input...

[fishcake]

I drank after 3 months AF

JDizzle, too bad you didn't bet money on me drinking before this weekend: Last night was a colleague's birthday, and I drank, I got piss drunk to be precise.

It all felt like it was gonna be miserable because it started badly. The night before I had severe insomnia due to bac, even if I'm still on my progressive titration program, so still at 210mg/day. Got to the beer garden, ordered a liter of exquisit german beer and from there, just drank up drank up, went bar hopping, to clubs. The buzz...the buzz gave me that euphoria, yes. Only difference this time is I was drunk quicker, had my drunk face pretty early and remember the bartender not wanting to poor me a drink in one of the bars. So yes, I still had that compulsion to drink a lot, did not hit the switch. But none of the crazyness that I usually have when drunk occured: dark thoughts, aggressiveness, I was social most of the time. I didn't get pissed neither that this - meh- woman was hitting on me all night neither. Took the cab back home, did not stop by the corner store for the usual bedtime bottle of vino, where I drink one half to fall asleep and keep the other for the hangover the next morning.

Today: woke up rather early with a slight hangover, nothing too bad, just a little out of it, but no jitters, nothing really. Even had the energy to drive to safeway and cook breakfast for my new roommate, who was agonizing in a dreadful hangover. Did not feel depressed or anxious at all today. I had one episode of craving and a lil cold sweat around noon (for about 30mins), but after i took my midday dose of bac, it all vanished. I even got a lot of work done and went shopping. Note that shopping centers usually make me a little nervous with the crowd, I felt relaxed and at peace. I am not drawing any conclusions here that I'm being successful at enjoying heavy drinking on bac, or that I beat the system. I will always keep in mind your story JDizzle: Jdizzle abstinence challenge

It's 11:30pm here in sunny san francisco, and I am about to go to bed with no cravings and am in an excellent mood.

Will keep you posted on what happens this weekend, probably some madness awaiting.

Good night guys!

[JDizzle]

I drank after 3 months AF

Yeah my story didnt end well. Got all old school messed up and did coke again... That was a real downer. I was so happy about not doing coke anymore. I'm on a new kick https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...nge-77782.html. I'm on 2 weeks now. Can't wait to get back to my couple of beers. I will definitely be more responsible this time around. Shoving my ass in alcoholism's face was not too smart of me. Good luck man, but be careful. I didn't want money dude. That's why I bet ur pride. I own ur pride now.... Double or nothin??? Within the next 3 drunks, u will have a very bad night and not have that half assed piece of "victory" u can claim. Yeah I shit myself and went to jail after I slapped my best friend's girlfriend, but I don't feel bad and don't have a hangover.

[fishcake]

I drank after 3 months AF

Well guys, I hate to say this, but it was again a successful day of drinking yesterday. Currently I'm at 240mg/day.

I was invited to a pool party, and drank a lot. Again, felt the euphoria, did not get drunk too fast this time, and at one point we ended up in a living room where booze wasn't in sufficient quantity for all of us, and there, something I would of never imagined happened: I gave my drink to someone who, apparently, needed it more than me. UN-HEARD OF for fishcake 1.0.

Got back home, same good thing happened: did not run to the corner store to get the usual bed time / wake up time bottle of wine.

Today, woke up with a very slight hangover, and even better than last times, did not experience any cravings or cold sweats today. I'm typing from my new living room where there is booze all over the place (my roomate's) and I couldn't care less.

So far my bac experience is amazing. I'll keep you posted on further drinking events to come. I'm curious to see if I will fuck it all up with two successive days of drinking, haven't tried that yet. I'm expecting people to respond with "You're playing with fire, Fish...".

Have a great end of the weekend guys.

[StuckinLA]

I drank after 3 months AF

Tell me more...

Seriously. I need someone to live vicariously through. So drink up, have fun, and be sure to toast a shot of Jameson for me. Or, this being the new you, pour it out for your homie, Stuck.

[fishcake]

I drank after 3 months AF

Thanks Stuck,

What details would you like exactly?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I drank after 3 months AF

fishcake;1529589 wrote: UN-HEARD OF for fishcake 1.0.
Welcome to fishcake 1.5?

fishcake;1529589 wrote: I'm expecting people to respond with "You're playing with fire, Fish...".

You're playing with fire, Fish. jkttdp

[JDizzle]

I drank after 3 months AF

Giving ur drink away sounds promising. Nothing wrong with playin with fire. Just don't play with ice.