Please help me believe

[zampa75]

Hi again...
I know I know I know that it takes time... I've been a slave to this addiction long enough to know that it takes A LOT of time. But today I started my Baclofen -only had two 10 mg pills today, as I got home at 2.20 pm from doc's app and did not want to take one right before bed: insomnia is an ugly bitch if I don't pass out. Ugly. So that other pill would just have made it worse.

Here is the deal: I know it wouldn't have happened today, or tomorrow, or in a week... But I got home from doc's app, spent all afternoon on sites like this, besides writing a bit, FULL OF HOPE and close enough to being really optimistic about what the Bac would do for me.
Then went out for dinner with husband, because I dread, DREAD staying home at night: that would only end up with a 1.5 liter bottle of wine while sitting on the couch, plus all -ALL - the beer in the fridge and all the junk food in sight. So we went out. Had a martini, one full bottle of red, and then a glass. On the way home I couldn't avoid buying another bottle b/c the thought of not doing so made me want to smash my head into the wall. Repeatedly. So here I am, writing here, glass of red next to me wanting to be refilled already, wondering if I ever get the strength to believe in Bac till it works -or not, which case I cannot even contemplate right now.
I know real well that one day is less than nothing on any med, but right now I feel like crap big time, like 'if you really wanted to make an effort you shouldn't have drunk so much today, at least today, you s***t'...

Please help me believe that if I drank my usual tonight again does not mean I am not ready for this to happen... I am so ready. I am so sick with myself I only wish I had the guts to end it right now.

Please help me believe that even if I drank tonight as my usual does not mean this Bac thing will end up in another, yet another - like the tenth in a row - miserable failure. Pls tell me there is a light at the end of this F****ing, never ending, pitch black, torture and slavery-like tunnel...:upset:lease:

Please tell me "believe that tonight meant nothing. Just one night like yesterday, but not necessarily like tomorrow." Please.:helpme:

[bleep]

Please help me believe

I, and many others, drank like that all the way to indifference. Then it stops.

The hardest part about baclofen treatment at the moment is finding out that it exists. You've done that, and gone a step further. You are on your way.

Best of luck.

[zampa75]

Please help me believe

Thank you thank you thank you... Wrapping all I have now around a hope.... Thanks:thanks:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Please help me believe

It works!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Please help me believe

zampa75;1536279 wrote:
I know real well that one day is less than nothing on any med, but right now I feel like crap big time, like 'if you really wanted to make an effort you shouldn't have drunk so much today, at least today, you s***t'...

I'm pretty sure you're not going to believe this but that entire train of thought is not very productive and it's absolutely not true.

You (we) have a chemical imbalance in your brain that compels you to drink against your will. (The compulsion to drink even when you don't want to do it...) You just started taking medication that will balance out those chemicals (or something...whatever) so that you don't need to drink.

When you stop needing to drink just so you don't feel like banging your head against the wall, then you'll have a choice about drinking. I may have had a choice about drinking long before I actually quit drinking alcoholically. I'll never know. Because what happened is that I kept drinking all the way up to the point when I really, truly couldn't be bothered to stop and buy beer at 7-11 because it was a cold, rainy, February Friday and pffffffft...screw that. It was scary, a bit. But 7-11 is open almost all the time and I thought I'd give it a shot. 6 days later when I still didn't want to drink, I was pretty sure I'd hit the switch. That was more than two years ago.

As I said, it works. Hang in there and try really hard to be gentle with yourself! :l

[skullbabyland]

Please help me believe

Zampa... please believe that baclofen will work for you and know that you must give it time to work. It may be a slow process and you may likely continue to drink while working up to your switch. Please take Ne's advice to heart and be gentle with yourself-- you are not a fuckup, you are a person with a medically-recognized condition and treatment will take some time. And that's OK. And so are you!

[zampa75]

Please help me believe

Thank you all, guys. I mean it. Your kind words and your hope help push me forward.

It looks though that I must slowly increase my dosage in order to get to the switch, and I have a feeling my doc will want me to stay at this level (10 mg x 3 a day) for a while - or forever. I know I am just being impatient, but I am so tired of this slavery I can't wait to break free from these chains :upset:. Where can I find the titrating sched of the Chicago doc who's been helping so many? Is it a good idea to go up on my own...? If I had a point of reference it would be great... I am off from work for another month, so maybe this would be the perfect time to experiment with higher dosage and SEs?

:thanks:

[skullbabyland]

Please help me believe

Zampa, you're quite welcome-- you'll find this board full of supportive people. And, also, full of knowledge!

As for titration, everyone is different. The best thing to do is to spend a lot of time reading everyone's different threads. It takes a lot of time but it will prepare you for what's to come, and can be very inspirational.

That being said, the quick-version scoop on titration-- most people say going up 10mg/day every 4 or 5 days is a good rule of thumb. Some people go much faster, though personally that scares me a bit because of the SE's.

Myself, I found that I was much more comfortable to go up much slower- 10mg/day every 8 days. Also, every once in a while I'll stay at a dosage longer (like I did at 80mg) just to see how close to the switch I seem to be, and how easy or hard it is to maintain AF. At that dosage, I did 12 days AF fairly easily but then cravings came back- so, I surmised that I was not yet at my switch but probably getting close.

Check out my thread for more details, if you want-- but moreso, check out lots of different progress threads for many different experiences. Also, please consider starting your own progress thread.

One other thought- if you're off work for a month, I think it's probably a great time to try titrating up on bac. You'll most likely experience different SE's, but you won't have to worry about them messing with your work. That's great.

One important note, though- it's important not to "drop off" or titrate down in dosage super quick or go off bac altogether once you're at a high dosage. If you decide to stop taking bac, it must be slowly weened off. People who go off it too quickly/drastically experience some real issues, so again, do your reading.

Best of luck

[skullbabyland]

Please help me believe

Also, in the upper right hand blue menu bar, you can use the "search" button (I find better results when I use the "search forums" and "show posts" when searching).

For instance you could search "chicago doctor", "Dr. Levin", "titration schedule", etc. and find what you need.

[Cassander]

Please help me believe

Re searching this forum...

Amazingly (as I have learned from others) google often works better than the forum's search function for searching the forum.

Just type in mywayout Levin titration and similar terms and you may have luck...

[emily]

Please help me believe

Hi Zampa

Fantastic you've started your bac journey, it absolutely works, keep asking questions, there is a wealth of knowledge on this forum, keep a journal of your journey, I'm just about to update mine again, it helps both you and other new people or people thinking about starting bac.

[Newbeliever]

Please help me believe

Bac Works!

I have been a Real alcoholic for 20 years. My cravings to drink were so strong that I once walked past a dead body just to check the fridge for alcohol. With that being said after just two weeks of being on Baclofen stepping up to 60 mg a day I was in Florida and forced myself to drink a double shot of vodka.Did not really have any relief or feelings of craving so I snuck away and ordered a Long Island on the rocks. Usually I would have downed it but I found myself still sipping it 45 minutes later reading. I went up 15more mgs that night out of fear of having a craving in the morning. No craving just guilt, until I realized no craving and no desire to try to drink again, but I jumped up to 90mgs a day,then added 20mgs more, I don't know why,. I do not recommend going up to quick, I have bad headaches, and insomnia, and mental confusion,now. No desire to drink. Its been 26 days since I started Baclofen. I did use 25mgs of Librium the first 2 weeks a few times. Good luck. Just keep taking it.

[zampa75]

Please help me believe

Thanks guys. I have been on it for ten days, and I am listening to my body, as many recommended. Something has definitely happened already, and if it is a placebo effect, no matter: It's welcome till I get to the real deal. It's awesome to wake up hopeful in the morning and not desperate and self-loathing and suicidal.