Hey guys,
Checking in: I'm at 275mg/day currently, been on bac since 5/22/2013.
Everything was going well with bac while titrating up progressively adding 20 or 25mg each week, until past the 200mg/day mark. From there I started having serious insomnia and concentration problems, which affected my performance and tardiness at work (I feel like im on the brink of getting fired). It's after reaching the 200 mark that I started experimenting too, getting drunk at parties, drinking alcoholically I would say, when I realized I drank more than the others. All this after 3 months AF. It was doing beautifully it's job: my goal was to be able to join social circles with alcohol involved, as it was compromised in the past with total abstinence programs I followed, notably AA. There were two slips during this experimenting, where I ended up drinking the next day, not WAY too much to my surprise, still a good amount but not piss drunk, and certainly not the third day.
I felt like I was at a stage where I did not hit my switch, but bac at least prevented me from ending up in the infernal circle of being curled up in bed with gallons of vodka by my side and cutting all social life and work out til...insanity (that was my usual MO based on my last relapses, followed by 50-1-50s, Hospitals or Jail). Pffew, that was a relief, and thanks for that, bac! I felt confident that it was working, and went on to pursue titrating up til I hit that switch.
Here's the deal: I've always had mood swings in the past, pre-bac, pretty intense ones, going from very negative to very positive thinking. I'm at a stage right now where these mood swings are even more intense. I went from literally crying of happiness this weekend to straight up depression/self loathing at the beginning of this week, and ongoing. I'm seriously wondering if bac is not directly involved. Anyone here ever experienced that? Pls do share.
Also, the insomnia, man, it got worse, I would wake up every hour during my sleep, and either scratch intensively my hair (leaving scabs) or chewing my fingers to the point where I would wake up with bloody finger tips. Although 2 days go, I started this new bac schedule during the day. I don't do 100 (morning) - 75 (lunch) - 100 (before bed) anymore, I do a 50-50-50-50-50-25 schedule between when I wake up and no later than 5pm. That combined with sleeping pills (OTC Unisom) has, so far, improved my sleep and overall anxiousness during (my fingers are healing). It does make me dumber at work though...
Guys, I'm at a point where I don't know what I should do. Continue titrating up and risk losing my job, losing ok sleep, getting more intense mood swings, but at least, in the end, reaching my switch. Or stay at 275mg for a while until things settle down (they do right? SOMEONE pls tell me they do). I don't want to consider titrating down, because I'm afraid it will make me very depressed (basing this on stories I've read here). Also today I tried 250, but freaked out and took the extra 25 that were missing, being afraid to lose my mind (I think this was more psychological). I almost feel stuck to be honest. Sometimes I feel like I traded one evil for another, the bac being the lesser evil, of course.
I have no one to talk to about this besides MWO. My AA group has no clue all of this is going on, I still haven't been honest to them (not to mention that the guilt is starting to build up about that). My family and friends know I take bac, but have no clue how it's going right now, I didnt tell them I've experimented with alcohol nor that the SEs are this bad. I'm still at a point where I am waiting for some true success before I tell anyone. By that I mean it would be this pre-switch relationship I have with alcohol currently w/o the SEs. Or even better, hitting the switch and being able to titrate down and have few or no SEs.
Writing this was actually therapeutic, I'm already freaking out less.
I wish you well ladies and gentlemen,
-FishCake
Checking in: I'm at 275mg/day currently, been on bac since 5/22/2013.
Everything was going well with bac while titrating up progressively adding 20 or 25mg each week, until past the 200mg/day mark. From there I started having serious insomnia and concentration problems, which affected my performance and tardiness at work (I feel like im on the brink of getting fired). It's after reaching the 200 mark that I started experimenting too, getting drunk at parties, drinking alcoholically I would say, when I realized I drank more than the others. All this after 3 months AF. It was doing beautifully it's job: my goal was to be able to join social circles with alcohol involved, as it was compromised in the past with total abstinence programs I followed, notably AA. There were two slips during this experimenting, where I ended up drinking the next day, not WAY too much to my surprise, still a good amount but not piss drunk, and certainly not the third day.
I felt like I was at a stage where I did not hit my switch, but bac at least prevented me from ending up in the infernal circle of being curled up in bed with gallons of vodka by my side and cutting all social life and work out til...insanity (that was my usual MO based on my last relapses, followed by 50-1-50s, Hospitals or Jail). Pffew, that was a relief, and thanks for that, bac! I felt confident that it was working, and went on to pursue titrating up til I hit that switch.
Here's the deal: I've always had mood swings in the past, pre-bac, pretty intense ones, going from very negative to very positive thinking. I'm at a stage right now where these mood swings are even more intense. I went from literally crying of happiness this weekend to straight up depression/self loathing at the beginning of this week, and ongoing. I'm seriously wondering if bac is not directly involved. Anyone here ever experienced that? Pls do share.
Also, the insomnia, man, it got worse, I would wake up every hour during my sleep, and either scratch intensively my hair (leaving scabs) or chewing my fingers to the point where I would wake up with bloody finger tips. Although 2 days go, I started this new bac schedule during the day. I don't do 100 (morning) - 75 (lunch) - 100 (before bed) anymore, I do a 50-50-50-50-50-25 schedule between when I wake up and no later than 5pm. That combined with sleeping pills (OTC Unisom) has, so far, improved my sleep and overall anxiousness during (my fingers are healing). It does make me dumber at work though...
Guys, I'm at a point where I don't know what I should do. Continue titrating up and risk losing my job, losing ok sleep, getting more intense mood swings, but at least, in the end, reaching my switch. Or stay at 275mg for a while until things settle down (they do right? SOMEONE pls tell me they do). I don't want to consider titrating down, because I'm afraid it will make me very depressed (basing this on stories I've read here). Also today I tried 250, but freaked out and took the extra 25 that were missing, being afraid to lose my mind (I think this was more psychological). I almost feel stuck to be honest. Sometimes I feel like I traded one evil for another, the bac being the lesser evil, of course.
I have no one to talk to about this besides MWO. My AA group has no clue all of this is going on, I still haven't been honest to them (not to mention that the guilt is starting to build up about that). My family and friends know I take bac, but have no clue how it's going right now, I didnt tell them I've experimented with alcohol nor that the SEs are this bad. I'm still at a point where I am waiting for some true success before I tell anyone. By that I mean it would be this pre-switch relationship I have with alcohol currently w/o the SEs. Or even better, hitting the switch and being able to titrate down and have few or no SEs.
Writing this was actually therapeutic, I'm already freaking out less.
I wish you well ladies and gentlemen,
-FishCake
This time things got scary. I was paranoid and borderline psychotic. I think my experience with psychedelics pulled me through. Another taper with Valium and that was that for the hero titration's.
But you get the picture. Pushing through might or might not get you there. You might end up hating yourself and calling it a day altogether. Have you thought about trying Antabuse to help you get a head start? I don't think I could get up over 150 again if I was drinking heavily. The SEs multiply imo.
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