lost my switch (again)

[Fred_The_Cat]

I was doing pretty well at a 75 mg maintenance dose until, within a matter of two weeks the following happened:

1. Shit got real at work- my attention to detail was not up to par with the other workers and I was skewered for it. As I am completely zonked on Abilify, Zoloft and Baclofen, I only expect this to get worse.

2. Overambitious, I attempted to cut my abilify dosage in half and went through a mild psychotic episode for a couple of days. I'm back up on it now and seeking medical help to get off of it.

3. In the midst of said psychotic episode, I dumped my girlfriend for wanting to carry on a platonic middle school relationship. This was the right decision, but I should have handled it better.

4. Having gone through said breakup, I promptly started drinking again because, frankly, no one is there to stop me.

I should have noticed something was wrong the minute I said to myself "I just don't fucking care anymore" and started hitting the bar every night after work. I never bought the "spiritual" slants on alcoholism, but I'm starting to understand where they're coming from. I need a last line of defense, even if it is a corny delusion.

My sleep patterns have been wrecked, with me passing out around 7 and waking up at 2 to go to work at 5 and clock out at 3:30 (it's quite a large and flexible company so we're allowed to do that). Still,

I'm not writing expressly to bitch, as I've already bumped my dosage up to 100 in anticipation of hitting the switch again sometime in the next month. Just let this be a warning that shit happens and a maintenance dose is by no means a guaranteed safety net.

[little beagle]

lost my switch (again)

Fred love your cat. I hope it gets better for you.

[Fred_The_Cat]

lost my switch (again)

Thanks Beagle,

I ended up drinking 3 pints last night which doesn't seem like much, but in my frail mental state it's enough to have me wide awake at 1:00 am. It's also really distressing to feel my body screaming for alcohol again- the thought of sliding back into the lifestyle of bars or hanging out at my computer with beer cans piling up at my desk is just shameful given how good the past few months have been.

[joanna_d]

lost my switch (again)

ow, that sounds like a roller coaster into the mouth of hell (sorry if i'm being too lyrical).
how's things at work now? i would imagine cumulative insecurity, if only cause your brain's out of balance from the drinkng. which would in my case lead to more drinking. :
what a horrible experience for you, while just trying to do your best. keep that in mind: you didn't fuck up, you were trying to keep up. injust to be ashamed of that!
is it possible to talk to your boss about having to take medicine for a condition without getting too much into detail? or maybe being creative when it comes to the details? (a little lie here and there)
could be it's not.
i hope you can find it in you to take good care of yourself. seriously.

good of you to post this!

[Fred_The_Cat]

lost my switch (again)

I did 100 mg this morning and can feel indifference coming back from the fuzzy feeling in my legs and the "plasticky" taste in my mouth. I think I should be alright in a few days, but I will definitely be hanging on to a higher maintenance dose or drink less from here on out.

And Joanna, since you brought it up I would like to state for everyone's benefit that you do NOT EVER bring up medications that have possible psychiatric implications to your employer. They can't discriminate, but they will find other ways to get rid of you. The doctors I'm seeing about the abilify are very careful that the letterhead of their correspondence to hr departments does not say "psychiatric" on it for that reason.

[joanna_d]

lost my switch (again)

that's what i meant by not getting into details. i didn't mean to suggest you to go tell them you've got a drinking problem or a psychosis.

[skullbabyland]

lost my switch (again)

Sounds like a real shit week Fred... sorry to hear you had life kick ya around a bit. Sounds like you're adjusting well and rolling with the punches. Best of luck to you, I suspect upping the bac just a bit to find that comfortable spot will help.

[spiritwolf333]

lost my switch (again)

Fred -I always find adding alcohol to any mental occasion results in immediate train wrecks for me. And it does so for several days and, and, and, well it just sucks all the way around. All I wanted alcohol to do was change the way I felt -and only for a few hours -not for days afterwards ---anxiety, depression, etc. Now that alcohol is just not an answer (i am at hd baclofen), I have to look for alternative ways to change those hardcore "don't give a shit" feelings. And when I say the alcohol does not work, I mean both mentally and physically. I think one of my biggest drawbacks is that I don't take enough time to talk to others including alkies...I just have a self-conversation -and that is what gets me in trouble every time-lol.

[Fred_The_Cat]

lost my switch (again)

Thanks for all the concern, guys. I really appreciate it.

After two days at 100 mg I think I've gotten it back. I managed to drink 1 beer this evening and felt like it was enough. So far so good.

Part of what makes me think it turned out differently this time as opposed to the last time I lost my switch is that i could see it coming and didn't give myself the opportunity to drink excessively again.