Baclofen, a personal journey.
Mandiekinz;1599922 wrote: Wheeewwww.....Lady, you had quite the reply. Impressive!
Yes, 3 going on 4 weeks of sobriety. I trust myself right now that I could go and have a few drinks with my SO and I'll be okay. That's not on my agenda though. I was an -every day- drinker...usually a fifth or more/day of vodka pre bac from the second I opened my eyes. I've had many bouts of sobriety throughout the last 5 months on bac...and each time has brought me up and up. The differences I had with baclofen that started to arise, was when I was capable of going out and enjoying a few drinks and not FREAKING OUT on the way back home, begging and fighting to stop for more booze. Also, not waking up looking for my bottle the next morning. Or, if I was giving myself a "day drinking" session (because I loooove my one woman parties), the SO would sometimes ask me to pour out what I had left and I could easily do it. Pre-bac...I'd be breaking everything he had out of a fit of rage b/c alcohol was my absolute number one. On baclofen, once the alcohol came to an end, I don't rampage back to the store to purchase more. I noticed after a couple of months, my mind would slow down and I could ask myself...do I really want it? I wasn't craving it. I was just bored and was testing myself and the baclofen. Clearly, I'm very stubborn and defiant. I haven't really experienced cravings in awhile. Aside from one frustrating day recently, which alprazolam helped knock that off. Beyond cravings, I don't experience thoughts of alcohol. It's a trial and error adventure we are all embarking on with baclofen. Some people miraculously found immediate indifference, others had to beat themselves up over the course of a year or so...and others are in between. Each of our minds are programmed so different from another. Which makes this pretty exciting..it's our very own tailored remedy to rid us of this wretched thing that has had us locked up in a cage for so long. Instead of the drone way of abstinence, nail biting, lying to yourself and everyone else, and the big book. Even in my 5 months of sobriety following my last stint in the treatment, I didn't care for myself and well being as I do now. I was more so looking for things to keep myself occupied.
I'm truly sorry about your sister. It had to of been such an awful and dark time for you. I find it amazing you powered through it soberly. To me, it sounds like your sister in law has a very tender heart, she must really love you for her heart to break so badly for your loss. As for the family not bringing up emotional subjects...Perhaps that's their way of protecting themselves and you from facing any ill feelings. Besides, it's the holidays...who wants to talk about sad things? My family does the same thing though, I secretly and silently beg in my head for them to talk to me about past situations. They never do. Until we are all shit faced around the table and suddenly a certain subject is brought up. At which, none of us can really openly communicate about it because
A.) They're too drunk to listen and are too busy waiting to shout out the next thing that pops up in their head, continuously talking over each other
B.) They won't absorb a damn thing I say.
C.) We go through it each and every time...so what is the point? (please revert back to B)
D.) I'm too drunk to properly express what's going through my head and heart.(please revert back to A,B, and C)
The reason being behind all this...they're scared to hurt me unless they get some liquid courage pumping through their veins. I've been guilty of it too. They don't understand or know how to communicate and be emotionally supportive. They like to hide behind perfection and jokes. There are never any serious, emotional conversations. They are just really detached. It's not healthy. As you've been through treatment before and have had the opportunity to open yourself up and be true with your pain with other people...You understand the necessity of being open and true and confronting issues. Treatment is quite the blessing as you've been taught different techniques that the majority of the world does not understand or comprehend. You're more...evolved and in tune with what's healthy vs. unhealthy. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. You understand humility and accountability. It can get rather frustrating when dealing with other people that don't know how to connect other than superficial topics.
It sounds like your hubby has it pretty good with you. He gets camping cards! I sometimes wish my SO would just go out and get wasted. He needs it sometimes, sheeesh. It's a shame I can't force some alprazolam down his throat as he gets drug tested. hehe shhhh...
His family must put a lot of pressure on him to strive for absolute perfectionism and have to hide his true self and faults. It must be conflicting for him too, to not be able to be real around his loved ones. Men's egos don't like to show much fault in their lives especially to family that hold such high standards. Mine won't even mention he's struggling with money right now. His family is shit broke too! hah! So strange.
I hope you're finding -some- good out of your visit, lady! Sounds like quite the testing time.
You have a beautiful way with words Mandie. Very heart-warming, as I feel you really understand me and my circumstances. :thanks:
Mandiekinz;1599922 wrote: Wheeewwww.....Lady, you had quite the reply. Impressive!
Yes, 3 going on 4 weeks of sobriety. I trust myself right now that I could go and have a few drinks with my SO and I'll be okay. That's not on my agenda though. I was an -every day- drinker...usually a fifth or more/day of vodka pre bac from the second I opened my eyes. I've had many bouts of sobriety throughout the last 5 months on bac...and each time has brought me up and up. The differences I had with baclofen that started to arise, was when I was capable of going out and enjoying a few drinks and not FREAKING OUT on the way back home, begging and fighting to stop for more booze. Also, not waking up looking for my bottle the next morning. Or, if I was giving myself a "day drinking" session (because I loooove my one woman parties), the SO would sometimes ask me to pour out what I had left and I could easily do it. Pre-bac...I'd be breaking everything he had out of a fit of rage b/c alcohol was my absolute number one. On baclofen, once the alcohol came to an end, I don't rampage back to the store to purchase more. I noticed after a couple of months, my mind would slow down and I could ask myself...do I really want it? I wasn't craving it. I was just bored and was testing myself and the baclofen. Clearly, I'm very stubborn and defiant. I haven't really experienced cravings in awhile. Aside from one frustrating day recently, which alprazolam helped knock that off. Beyond cravings, I don't experience thoughts of alcohol. It's a trial and error adventure we are all embarking on with baclofen. Some people miraculously found immediate indifference, others had to beat themselves up over the course of a year or so...and others are in between. Each of our minds are programmed so different from another. Which makes this pretty exciting..it's our very own tailored remedy to rid us of this wretched thing that has had us locked up in a cage for so long. Instead of the drone way of abstinence, nail biting, lying to yourself and everyone else, and the big book. Even in my 5 months of sobriety following my last stint in the treatment, I didn't care for myself and well being as I do now. I was more so looking for things to keep myself occupied.
I'm truly sorry about your sister. It had to of been such an awful and dark time for you. I find it amazing you powered through it soberly. To me, it sounds like your sister in law has a very tender heart, she must really love you for her heart to break so badly for your loss. As for the family not bringing up emotional subjects...Perhaps that's their way of protecting themselves and you from facing any ill feelings. Besides, it's the holidays...who wants to talk about sad things? My family does the same thing though, I secretly and silently beg in my head for them to talk to me about past situations. They never do. Until we are all shit faced around the table and suddenly a certain subject is brought up. At which, none of us can really openly communicate about it because
A.) They're too drunk to listen and are too busy waiting to shout out the next thing that pops up in their head, continuously talking over each other
B.) They won't absorb a damn thing I say.
C.) We go through it each and every time...so what is the point? (please revert back to B)
D.) I'm too drunk to properly express what's going through my head and heart.(please revert back to A,B, and C)
The reason being behind all this...they're scared to hurt me unless they get some liquid courage pumping through their veins. I've been guilty of it too. They don't understand or know how to communicate and be emotionally supportive. They like to hide behind perfection and jokes. There are never any serious, emotional conversations. They are just really detached. It's not healthy. As you've been through treatment before and have had the opportunity to open yourself up and be true with your pain with other people...You understand the necessity of being open and true and confronting issues. Treatment is quite the blessing as you've been taught different techniques that the majority of the world does not understand or comprehend. You're more...evolved and in tune with what's healthy vs. unhealthy. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. You understand humility and accountability. It can get rather frustrating when dealing with other people that don't know how to connect other than superficial topics.
It sounds like your hubby has it pretty good with you. He gets camping cards! I sometimes wish my SO would just go out and get wasted. He needs it sometimes, sheeesh. It's a shame I can't force some alprazolam down his throat as he gets drug tested. hehe shhhh...
His family must put a lot of pressure on him to strive for absolute perfectionism and have to hide his true self and faults. It must be conflicting for him too, to not be able to be real around his loved ones. Men's egos don't like to show much fault in their lives especially to family that hold such high standards. Mine won't even mention he's struggling with money right now. His family is shit broke too! hah! So strange.
I hope you're finding -some- good out of your visit, lady! Sounds like quite the testing time.
You have a beautiful way with words Mandie. Very heart-warming, as I feel you really understand me and my circumstances. :thanks:
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