anyone on nal/tsm

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

anyway. mr spuds is angry as I am but he has got pissed and asleep. I am angry and it would appear the nal has worked as I haven't passed out or killed anyone. yep ok this is all a good thing but I am screaming at the walls as to how anyone could be so hateful and awful to me...... surely I am not such a bad person ..... not even looking for an answer to that as I know im not....... im just venting here. arrggg. so it goes

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

Yes but your posts here don't appear coherent when you are drinking, they might better than when you don't take nal, or better to you but you constantly mention screaming at the walls and seem much better when you are AF.

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

Hi Spud-
I think I can relate to your feelings of no control. And feeling the need to vent here while you are drinking. Alcohol makes it easier to open up. But I hope we can get you to place where you feel safe talking about the things that are bothering you while you are more coherent. I have noticed that when I have asked you what is going on with you it feels like you kinda of brush it under the rug so to speak. What makes you want to scream at the walls? I here frustration in your posts and it seems there may be some underlying stuff I don't know about.

I have drank the past 2 days:durn:
Tuesday night I had approximately 10 and last night-Wednesday 7-8. Diligently taking my Nal and I haven't been getting drunk per say. It's progress I think.
Something disturbed the positive feelings I was feeling toward my journey with alcohol. Maybe the death of my uncle bothered me enough to make me feel like I am regressing a little. That kind of feeling of slipping back into that dark black hole I was starting to climb out of. This doesn't feel very good. I find myself beating myself up and thinking "you are so weak you can't let a death bother you and ruin what you have been striving to do." That is not healthy self talk... This is... "It's a sad thing that happen, it's ok to feel sad". Take time to feel my emotions and let them be.
I am a master at the "got my shit together facade" but on the inside I struggle tremendously & struggle to reach out to those that love me when I need them. I come here where it is safe because I have tag name to hide behind. I have got to open up and let people love me. :huggy
I went out to dinner with a friend of mine last night & put my "totally got my shit together" face on. We talk about life and things and I can feel I have my game face on. I am not going to tear up or show that I am bothered. I am trying to be more expressive thru email & text although I know it isn't as personal as a phone call or face to face but it's a start to letting my guard down. I have plans to meet another friend of mine tonight for dinner but I am thinking I will cancel- I want to be home with my family but I will be honest I do feel like drinking- right now. I haven't taken my Nal yet and sometimes I think maybe I should put off taking it because I won't drink if I don't take it because I don't feel safe without- so just maybe I wouldn't drink if I didn't take it. I don't trust myself very much and will probably end up taking it soon.
My husband and I have been working hard on our relationship. It's been going good but I am starting to revert back to some old insecurities just very recently that I don't quite understand.

I will check back in soon and hope to hear from you Spud-

UK- you presence is so comforting. I can't say thanks enough.:hug:

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

Thank you Spud-
For checking out ... Maybe I needed you too, maybe I have drunk times when I am feeling vulernalbe,
Neat how you just disappear .

I am posting and pushing the posting button. Just like you.

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

o dear.. sorry if appeared to 'check out' was not intention. more a case of hibernating under duvet waiting to feel more chirpy. ukb.. yes of course Im better when af.i try not to post when i been drinking but as i.well.know i have the self control of a peanut (which i imagine is not a.lot) i.still think Im doing better.with nal than without so still hoping.
bkyoga i too put on a great mask most of the time. i guess most of us have to to some extent. i went to an al counsellor a few year back and horror of horrors it was someone i knew from pubs and parties. she.was.shocked to realise i.had such issues as.she.always saw me as happy confident jolly etc. yes i find it difficult to get serious and then it all comes out as a pissed emotional wall.screaming rant. i once got blasted on here when i talked about some true feelings. was told this wasn't my personal therapy and i should go get help. needless to say when feeling shit a comment like that.doesn't inspire opening up. still don't really know.what to say.today. but WEHEY MY NAL HAS ARRIVED so will be carrying on fighting.

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

spuddleduck;1601099 wrote: o dear.. sorry if appeared to 'check out' was not intention. more a case of hibernating under duvet waiting to feel more chirpy. ukb.. yes of course Im better when af.i try not to post when i been drinking but as i.well.know i have the self control of a peanut (which i imagine is not a.lot) i.still think Im doing better.with nal than without so still hoping.
bkyoga i too put on a great mask most of the time. i guess most of us have to to some extent. i went to an al counsellor a few year back and horror of horrors it was someone i knew from pubs and parties. she.was.shocked to realise i.had such issues as.she.always saw me as happy confident jolly etc. yes i find it difficult to get serious and then it all comes out as a pissed emotional wall.screaming rant. i once got blasted on here when i talked about some true feelings. was told this wasn't my personal therapy and i should go get help. needless to say when feeling shit a comment like that.doesn't inspire opening up. still don't really know.what to say.today. but WEHEY MY NAL HAS ARRIVED so will be carrying on fighting.

I think you were missed. Very very glad you've got your nal.

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

I'm sorry Spud-:sorry:

I think I'm feeling a little hurt inside and may have directed a little at you. It has nothing to do with you. I just wanted to talk here and you know what there are plenty of people I can talk too. I should not have posted that.. In fact I was going to erase it but I guess it just shows I'm human. Thank you for understanding.
I am really sorry that some asshole said that to you about posting personal things. I would never do that and our thread here is a safe place for you. We want to help you just like I want to help myself.
I hope you get to a place where you can trust to open up sober.
If you don't and post drunk or drinking that is ok with me too.:l

I have been drinking heavily for the past 3 days and it's depressing me. I am still in bed and it's 11:30 am here. I have been drinking right around 10 drinks all 3 days. This is progress I want to keep reminding myself because I used to drink 15-20 and drink till drunk. I was doing so good with AF days and now I am slipping back into everyday drinking. :wahh: I saw this am that there was still some wine left in the bottle which is always good. I remember falling asleep in my chair then moving on to bed. I have a slight urge to drink right now which scares me. I need a couple AF days I feel but don't know that I will take them. I have not ran in 3 days or done any sort of exercise which is unusually for me. I am trying to accept that I am sad and it's ok to feel that way.

UK- I should have wrote to you last night. I stay fairly coherent when I drink of course I start getting double vision which prevents me from posting or reading. Right now I feel I am slipping backward some but believe that you said there will be spikes and I am guessing that is what I am experiencing. I am tying not to be to hard on myself and stick true to the Nal. I have been taking 100mg. I will take 50mg right when I feel like I won't be able to fight the urge then another 50mg and make myself wait the hour or two before touching alcohol. I am wondering if I need to increase to 150mg?? What are your thoughts on this.

I am going to make an effort to be more honest with people and just say hey I need to talk about what ever is bothering me. Sometimes it's hard. As I mentioned before I have an extremely hard time reaching out to my closest friends here in town. Even my best life long friends I won't reach out too.

Just you guys... I feel safe.:h

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

bkyogagurl;1601236 wrote: I'm sorry Spud-:sorry:

I think I'm feeling a little hurt inside and may have directed a little at you. It has nothing to do with you. I just wanted to talk here and you know what there are plenty of people I can talk too. I should not have posted that.. In fact I was going to erase it but I guess it just shows I'm human. Thank you for understanding.
I am really sorry that some asshole said that to you about posting personal things. I would never do that and our thread here is a safe place for you. We want to help you just like I want to help myself.
I hope you get to a place where you can trust to open up sober.
If you don't and post drunk or drinking that is ok with me too.:l

I have been drinking heavily for the past 3 days and it's depressing me. I am still in bed and it's 11:30 am here. I have been drinking right around 10 drinks all 3 days. This is progress I want to keep reminding myself because I used to drink 15-20 and drink till drunk. I was doing so good with AF days and now I am slipping back into everyday drinking. :wahh: I saw this am that there was still some wine left in the bottle which is always good. I remember falling asleep in my chair then moving on to bed. I have a slight urge to drink right now which scares me. I need a couple AF days I feel but don't know that I will take them. I have not ran in 3 days or done any sort of exercise which is unusually for me. I am trying to accept that I am sad and it's ok to feel that way.

UK- I should have wrote to you last night. I stay fairly coherent when I drink of course I start getting double vision which prevents me from posting or reading. Right now I feel I am slipping backward some but believe that you said there will be spikes and I am guessing that is what I am experiencing. I am tying not to be to hard on myself and stick true to the Nal. I have been taking 100mg. I will take 50mg right when I feel like I won't be able to fight the urge then another 50mg and make myself wait the hour or two before touching alcohol. I am wondering if I need to increase to 150mg?? What are your thoughts on this.

I am going to make an effort to be more honest with people and just say hey I need to talk about what ever is bothering me. Sometimes it's hard. As I mentioned before I have an extremely hard time reaching out to my closest friends here in town. Even my best life long friends I won't reach out too.

Just you guys... I feel safe.:h

Hi Yogagirl

Sorry I can't write much at the moment, supposed to be doing something else.

I have never seen a correlation between increasing dose and effect on drinking, like you when I had spikes I'd try taking more, and it never did anything apart from reduce the number of pills in the packet faster. If 50 or 100mg had an effect previously, then stick to it.

I am thinking about you and hoping you do pull through this.

UKB x:l

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

Thanks once again UK-

I will stick to 100mg. Thank you so much for pulling for me. It means a lot. And I don't think I would have continued on if it weren't for you encouraging patience. I too should be doing other things but have been on here a good portion of the day.
Be in touch.:l

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

bkyogagurl;1601312 wrote: Thanks once again UK-

I will stick to 100mg. Thank you so much for pulling for me. It means a lot. And I don't think I would have continued on if it weren't for you encouraging patience. I too should be doing other things but have been on here a good portion of the day.
Be in touch.:l

My partner was with me last night, we don't get much time together so I didn't think I should be attached to the laptop.

Good, it's hard when you appear to be going backwards, really feeds into the doubts and fears. I have my fingers and toes crossed for you.

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

bkyoga, you are still taking the nal. THAT IS THE RULE SO DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT. Ha its easy to say that but im the worlds worst at it. from my limited experience i would agree with ukb about increased dose. i went up to 100mg with no difference in effect whatsover, for me its the time between taking it and drinking which is the biggie. i guess for us exuser drinkers its a difficult time of the year as al is all around, all those jolly adverts on tv, all the christmas parties around, it is just hard. now ive got my nal (wehey) im determined to stick with it. i had almost excused myself a nal free drink on christmas day but thanks to the wonderful words of ukb im gonna stick with the bloody teeny tiny little pill.

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

i have found it interesting bkyoga that you dont reach out to your friends. that is exactly me, perhaps also a lot of us here. i dont have loads of friends but the ones i have are true friends, i have known for years, a couple of them over 20 years. i absolutely do not reach out to them, in fact i rarely see any of them much, which is totally my choice for whatever reasons. i rarely talk 'seriously' to anyone. when i had councelling it was made clear, though i knew it anyway that this was a 'learned behaviour' from a very long time ago.... keep it in and deal with it yourself. i do that so much and i know it is not healthy behaviour. i even deal with real shit by making jokes of it. my dad died in april and my standard telling of the story is ' oh yeah, we found my dad a bit dead on the floor' what the feck is that all about. a whole covering up of emotions is what its all about..... unfortunately when my emotions do come out (usually when pissed but not always, sometimes when i just get too 'full' of it all) they come out like a bloody volcano spewing out all the crap.
i have been holed up in bed hiding for a few days, my room is a mess of crisp packets and pot noodles (i normally eat very healthily). today i am up and determined to get my shit together, maybe even put some christmas baubles up. twitching for a drink so i have taken nal, even though im almost certain i wont drink as that will put me back in my black hole.
bkyoga, if you look back at ukblondes progress there were times when she was also drinking daily, it can be a long process so just stick with it. sometimes it may be 1 step forward 2 steps backwards but at least there is the step forward and the desire to do something about it. that counts for a lot. just keep at it, keep here and keep posting whatever the hell you feel like. its what we are all here for.x

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

spuddleduck;1601505 wrote: i have found it interesting bkyoga that you dont reach out to your friends. that is exactly me, perhaps also a lot of us here. i dont have loads of friends but the ones i have are true friends, i have known for years, a couple of them over 20 years. i absolutely do not reach out to them, in fact i rarely see any of them much, which is totally my choice for whatever reasons. i rarely talk 'seriously' to anyone. when i had councelling it was made clear, though i knew it anyway that this was a 'learned behaviour' from a very long time ago.... keep it in and deal with it yourself. i do that so much and i know it is not healthy behaviour. i even deal with real shit by making jokes of it. my dad died in april and my standard telling of the story is ' oh yeah, we found my dad a bit dead on the floor' what the feck is that all about. a whole covering up of emotions is what its all about..... unfortunately when my emotions do come out (usually when pissed but not always, sometimes when i just get too 'full' of it all) they come out like a bloody volcano spewing out all the crap.
i have been holed up in bed hiding for a few days, my room is a mess of crisp packets and pot noodles (i normally eat very healthily). today i am up and determined to get my shit together, maybe even put some christmas baubles up. twitching for a drink so i have taken nal, even though im almost certain i wont drink as that will put me back in my black hole.
bkyoga, if you look back at ukblondes progress there were times when she was also drinking daily, it can be a long process so just stick with it. sometimes it may be 1 step forward 2 steps backwards but at least there is the step forward and the desire to do something about it. that counts for a lot. just keep at it, keep here and keep posting whatever the hell you feel like. its what we are all here for.x

Gad, I remember the boozy emotions except they were just lost in booze.

I realised this week I have very loose, but some links to a death that's been big in the news. I never met or knew the person myself but watched a tribute her family had made for her, and I cried. I only ever used to cry when drunk, or occasionally before doing something important or seeing someone do well at something. Anyway I sat and cried and just thought about it, her and me and it was ok to do that. Oh and no one knows that which is also ok.

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

Just want you to know that I have been busy with preps for Xmas.. Not meaning to be distant. I am going to bed feeling pretty dang good. Buzzed but not drunk. Will fil you in soon.

UK- your a lifesaver

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

bkyogagurl;1601770 wrote: Just want you to know that I have been busy with preps for Xmas.. Not meaning to be distant. I am going to bed feeling pretty dang good. Buzzed but not drunk. Will fil you in soon.

UK- your a lifesaver

Believe you me, we help each other.