anyone on nal/tsm

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

wehey, as expected I didn't drink yesterday and thankfully the nal didn't make me feel quite as poo as it has in the past.. just a bit sicky but that's ok as it stopped me from stuffing my face with crap. I finally managed to make sense out of my room and got rid of all the evidence that had been piling up. the state of my room is usually a sign of the state of my head so all the crap is now in the bin. im feeling safe from booze today but as I well know all it takes is a little trigger and im off. if I get the first little feeling that I will drink I will take nal STRAIGHT AWAY, no dithering just take the bloody pill.
bkyoga hope your xmas preps are all in order, im still trying to motivate myself to get my flipping baubles on the tree, but first I have to get the tree. I have a little one outside that I bring in every year and im sure it would love a break from the crappy windy weather we have here at the moment. and if I don't have a tree where will santa but all my presents.

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

just a moment of self indulgence here. I'm struggling a lot with my mum at the moment. since my dad died she has got herself into a big black hole, fortunately she doesn't drink (maybe a ginger wine on Christmas day) so she doesn't go down that whole. though she has taken to a 'cheeky horlicks' occasionally (a Horlicks drink with a dash of my dads whisky in it). she has become very forgetful and ive had the police phoning me as she keeps losing her car. yes she still drives, funnily enough she is very capable of driving, its 2nd nature to her, but I still worry. she phones me time and time again to discuss something with no idea at all that she has already rang 5minutes ago to discuss the same thing. she has been to a phsychiatrist for a dementia test and past with flying colours but there is obviously something not quite right with her.. my sister lives in Greece and is coming home today for Christmas and staying with my mum so hopefully this will help her. mum has phoned me twice today saying she thinks my sister is coming home ..... argh. oh what a lovely surprise it will be when she turns up on the doorstep unannounced (ha ha, here I go making jokes again). its funny (well not really) to see the look on mums face when I tell her something that she knows but has forgotten, its a rabbit in the headlights look, and is just the look I probably have on my face when im told of something that I have done when I am in alcoholic blackout. SCARY. fortunately I can do something about my blanks and should be so bloody grateful for this. anyhow less of this self indulgence..... gotta go find my baubles

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

Good morning!

Spud- I am sorry that your mum is getting old. It must be hard to watch her deteriorate. It sounds like you are close to her? I am glad your sister is coming to help out and spend some time. Are you? It must have been hard losing your dad and I agree that joking it off is a coping mechanism.:l
That is a big emotional experience to deal with. How do you really feel about your dad passing on?

UK- I think your crossing your toes was just the extra nudge I needed
I totally understand you needed to be present for your partner too. Sometimes I get wrapped up in posting here when I should be doing something fun with my kiddos.
You support is what keeps Spud & I grounded. You pushing us along to continue to be patience and diligent with the Nal is saving us. Your the best.
I need to read thru your entire thread you posted on your journey.

I have been doing well. I was beating myself up for drinking every day but I have come to terms with it- and have accepted that is what I am doing right now. I have been noticing my desire to be a lot less to drink fast and to continue to excessively drink. It's like the alcohol just doesn't taste good after a few now. I have noticed that if I don't drink for a few days it seems I decide to binge. But now that I have been drinking everyday the urge to get drunk gets less and less. I take my Nal and when I drink, I drink slow and controlled. I drink water with my wine or beer. Yesterday I went to a late lunch with my friend and had 3 beers then we went back to her home and she asked me if I wanted a beer or a glass of wine and I said no:shocked: I just wasn't in the mood for more and I told her I wanted to finish up some shopping and left. So when I got home from shopping I asked my husband if he wanted some wine and we had some wine it's hard for me to count because we had friends over and sometimes people fill your glass and I have been measuring mine when I pour most of the time. I would guess between 4-6 glasses. I went to bed and felt good enough to read my book a bit. Even tho it was a high number day it was spaced out enough to where I didn't feel drunk.
Such a good sign. I really need to get out of my bed- get some coffee & workout & go buy some nice chocolate for my kids stockings.
So on that note that is what I am going to do. I will be drinking tonight because we are going to dinner with friends for my almost birthday.
I'm actually looking forward to it. I am thinking of taking 50 Nal right now just in case I run into a situation. I was invited this morning to kegs & eggs at a local brewery but backed out. I think getting a workout in will be better.

Talk soon! Thanks so much for being here.:huggy

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

well its 12 midnight here on the shortest day. bkyoga it sounds like you are doing well. the fact that you have been doing a bit of daily drinking actually gives you signs that it is working sooner (yes I know we shouldn't encourage daily drinking but we are still following the rules). its great that you are feeling more 'aware', that is one thing i found totally amazing.
I got through today without feeling the need to take nal as a just in case. still haven't managed to do my tree and baubles but is ages and ages till Christmas (ha ha)
my emotions about my dads death are all a bit mixed up still. i have had a lot of issues with him over the years and i always wondered how i was feel when he died, would i cry??? well yes i did cry but im not really sure what i was crying for. still got a bit of a tangled head about that. i was hoping that my mum would blossom after his death as she was very much under his rule and also had to do a great deal of caring for him in the last few years (he was virtually housebound). im still hoping this is just a blip, perhaps an unconscious way of dealing with grief. ive read up a lot about it and it is a common thing to happen.
my next planned drink is on xmas day and i hope to be af till then. i will be having dinner with my mum and sister and wont be drinking as i will be driving so it will be later in the day and I WILL BE TAKING NAL 2 HOURS BEFORE DRINKING. reading how you (bky) are getting on is helping in my determination to keep this going (and ukb it goes without saying that you are helping immensely)

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

monday 12noon and im feeling twitchy. today is the last day i can in theory drink before christmas day. why? i will be having christmas dinner with my family and if i drank on christmas eve i would be incapable of driving there, or even be able to eat or whatever. theres no way i can do that to my mum this year. i have only a couple of times drank on christmas eve so i wont be.
i havent taken nal yet as i have to drive in a couple of hours so if im still twitchy later i will take nal in time so that when i have finished driving i have my safety net. i have just got outa bed, i am sleeping late but not getting too stressed about it as i dont have to do anything in the mornings. this may explain why i still havent got any baubles on the tree that still isnt in the house.

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

spuddleduck;1602126 wrote: monday 12noon and im feeling twitchy. today is the last day i can in theory drink before christmas day. why? i will be having christmas dinner with my family and if i drank on christmas eve i would be incapable of driving there, or even be able to eat or whatever. theres no way i can do that to my mum this year. i have only a couple of times drank on christmas eve so i wont be.
i havent taken nal yet as i have to drive in a couple of hours so if im still twitchy later i will take nal in time so that when i have finished driving i have my safety net. i have just got outa bed, i am sleeping late but not getting too stressed about it as i dont have to do anything in the mornings. this may explain why i still havent got any baubles on the tree that still isnt in the house.

Isn't it funny how our heads work Spud. With my food issues and I did it with alcohol, I'd try and work out the most convenient times to indulge in a binge so it didn't affect other things. Sometimes I'll think "I've got some time I'll get it out the way now cos I won't have chance later" how crazy is that!
:H

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

ukb, that is so exactly what i do or have done. for instance when i have been working i have thought 'ok even though i dont particularly want/need/crave a drink i better have one so i dont drink tomorrow, the day after whatever' yep how crazy is that! we dont really even need to say it, we know its bonkers which is why we have ended up where we are.
as expected, and i truly believe that half of the issue today was thinking about drinking as it was the 'last chance' i have chosen to drink. took nal 50mg at 6pm, it felt like a lifetime waiting till 7pm but it was actually 7.30 before i opened bottle of wine. its now 9.15pm here and on last glass (plastic tumbler actually). not sure how i feel but i do know that without nal i would down a bottle of wine in an hour and be climbing the walls for more. there was a point at my 2nd drink i thought ' hmm do i really want to drink' . i did pause for a moment but not very long and obviously my choice was to continue to drink. this is very very slow drinking for me. im pottering about making christmas cards and stuff,. still not quite sure how i feel but i know im not climbing the walls, having said that if i didnt know i had more wine to drink i think i would feel a bit anxious

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

i think i should also post that i am being a secret drinker tonight. although mr spuds supports me things are a bit odd. mr spuds has had a couple of pints today while i was shopping and being an alkie himself although different to my binge way he obviously likes a drink. the thing is if i had told him at 7.30 i was going to drink he would have prob said 'well thats ok, lets have a drink tonight then'. problem is that then that for me kind of opens up some mental floodgates.... oh yeah were drinking were partying... which will put me into all out drinking mode. so in light of this i am pottering about, making cards, icing my cake and yes putting baubles on the tree. im crap at lying though so will be confessing my sins to mr spuds anytime now

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

Hi Spud & UK-

Spud thank you for sharing about your dad. Sounds like he could have been controlling. Probably pretty hard on your mum. Seems like the men from the era in time were controlling in general. How did he treat you? I think it is tough when you have tangled thoughts when it come to your parents.
You sound good. So did you decide to drink today? Or could you hold off until your 7:30 mark?

I am a bit hungover from my dinner party last night. We went out & went dancing too. I had many drinks and to be honest want a beer right now to get rid of the ick. I took my Nal because I'm afraid I will. As I have said I have been on a bit of a bender all week. I am trying to just ride the wave and not criticize myself to much. I hate it when my kids see me drunk.
Obviously I cut loose last night and didn't control my drinking and now that I am writing it is bothering me. At least I remember most the night.
I feel like it's been a mess of a week. I do that... My emotions are all over the map. Up then down then sideways.
I feel good about myself one day then get mad at myself the next if I don't stick to my plan.

Sometimes I wish I could crawl thru the computer and give you both a big hug... Help Spud put baubles on your tree- I think sometimes I feel lonely inside although I have my family around. I think I will spend some time with my little guy.. Play some games.

It's gonna be hard waiting the hour today for Nal. Usually it doesn't bother me but I can feel the anxiety building. I don't feel like eating or anything. Just want a beer. It feels good to talk about it. It is taking some of the anxiety away.

I am hoping after this holiday I will be able to take a long break. That is kinda what I am planning in my mind. I know it's cliche but am thinking of starting on Jan 1 and trying an AF stint. I would like to make a month. I have never made it that long. I have read that after 4 weeks is when you really start to feel the benefits of being AF and your cravings decrease significantly.

I am afraid I will develop an eating problem like you UK. How are you doing with that? But I will cross that bridge whe I get there. I need to focus on one thing at a time.
Well I'm off to go read UK's thread so I can wait this hour out.
:l

Maybe I should brush my teeth too:yukko:

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

bkyogagurl;1602262 wrote: Hi Spud & UK-

Spud thank you for sharing about your dad. Sounds like he could have been controlling. Probably pretty hard on your mum. Seems like the men from the era in time were controlling in general. How did he treat you? I think it is tough when you have tangled thoughts when it come to your parents.
You sound good. So did you decide to drink today? Or could you hold off until your 7:30 mark?

I am a bit hungover from my dinner party last night. We went out & went dancing too. I had many drinks and to be honest want a beer right now to get rid of the ick. I took my Nal because I'm afraid I will. As I have said I have been on a bit of a bender all week. I am trying to just ride the wave and not criticize myself to much. I hate it when my kids see me drunk.
Obviously I cut loose last night and didn't control my drinking and now that I am writing it is bothering me. At least I remember most the night.
I feel like it's been a mess of a week. I do that... My emotions are all over the map. Up then down then sideways.
I feel good about myself one day then get mad at myself the next if I don't stick to my plan.

Sometimes I wish I could crawl thru the computer and give you both a big hug... Help Spud put baubles on your tree- I think sometimes I feel lonely inside although I have my family around. I think I will spend some time with my little guy.. Play some games.

It's gonna be hard waiting the hour today for Nal. Usually it doesn't bother me but I can feel the anxiety building. I don't feel like eating or anything. Just want a beer. It feels good to talk about it. It is taking some of the anxiety away.

I am hoping after this holiday I will be able to take a long break. That is kinda what I am planning in my mind. I know it's cliche but am thinking of starting on Jan 1 and trying an AF stint. I would like to make a month. I have never made it that long. I have read that after 4 weeks is when you really start to feel the benefits of being AF and your cravings decrease significantly.

I am afraid I will develop an eating problem like you UK. How are you doing with that? But I will cross that bridge whe I get there. I need to focus on one thing at a time.
Well I'm off to go read UK's thread so I can wait this hour out.
:l

Maybe I should brush my teeth too:yukko:

Hugs all round:l:l:l

I used to see big changes after 2-3 weeks AF which I did do loads of at various points over the years, sleep settled, skin cleared, bloat gone from body, less mooody.

I have had an eating problem right from the age of 18 when I went through a bad personal patch and wanted attention. It's become a coping/stress relief thing that only subsided when the drinking binges took over. I then used to eat junk with alcohol and thought it would stop when I stopped drinking, at first it did but then it came back. It is easier in a way to deal with than alcohol, except chocolate is even more around us than alcohol, every flaming shop, piled up around the counter!

I am a lot better when i work with PTs/Coaches/Trainers who have a history of such things, experience and understanding. I'm not saying you have to be an athlete or anything, but I do find it helpful to have someone who can advise on diet and understand, not lambast or negate what it is. Makes me feel safe and I think that's important for me. My family don't buy me chocolates - this has gone on since before they stopped drinking around me.

Does that sound really disfunctional. Hmmm, we have a daughter we don't buy sweets or give cakes to, or booze cos she might do wierd things with it. Nuts.

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

a quick post of emotions while i have the balls (and th bauble to say stuff)
forgive me but this is about to be a little bit of bla bla bla this shouldnt be said stuff
spud age 7: the first time i heard bad things with dad to mam. it was all nasty shouting stuff mostly about how me and sis were. if we did this that or the other mam would pay.. yes i think you know what i mean by pay.
from that day on , the day i heard my mam cry at my dads hand i always did the best i ever could. from that night on i would listen to it,. always i would listen to my dad coming home from the pub. always looking for a fight . always making excuses blaming us all for everything. ..
so yes i will post about this. it has nothing to do with my alcoholism. in fact in my teens the last thing i would ever do was drink alcohol. i had seen what it was to my dad. i didnt have a clue about alcolism and had no interest in drinking the stuff whatsoever

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

o bugger. just posting cos i think i should. the fact that i am here and aware enough to.even think at 2.15 am.is a product of nal. i.would.have passed out 4 hours ago. i.still have a drink.beside me in bed. but i am looking at with curiosity thinking why would i or should i.

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

just checking in at 2.45 am. after starting drink at whenever it.was. am awake and here.without nal i would ne passed out in hour or 2. yes Im still aware which is unheard of if i sip any alcohol . tesco.think this is.a.good result. ok i.have drank alcohol. but i have drank less and in a less alcoholic why and i have at least the awareness to post here. so i am saying thank you nal for giving me a little bit of space x

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

yep ok Im.a.little bit pickled but nothin as how i normally am when drink

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

Oh Spud-

I think this has every thing to do with your alcoholism. I am so glad you are opening up and sharing. So I am getting that your dad was abusive physically to your mum? I am sorry but unfortunately it is more common than I would like to feel comfortable with. You witnessing that must have been terribly hard. It's odd to me how we try to down play how much something has hurt us. I do believe the kind of stress is detrimental to a child who is exposed to it. I know for myself, I always try to down play my emotions because I feel like there are so many people who are worse off than I have ever been....
BUT that doesn't allow me to feel my sad feelings. I wonder if you have given yourself that chance.:l
I am sooooooo happy you are able to post- I often take a drink to bed with me too.
Funny huh- how we can been somewhat alike. I often open a drink then fall asleep and wake up with a nearly full drink in the morn. Sometimes I wonder why I do this. It's like I worry about there being a shortage at some point in my life. Weird.

UK- I'm interested to know what spurs your addiction with food/alcohol. You said you had an eating problem due too or wanting attention. I think when an 18 yr old needs attention it's a cry for help. I feel like you might be blaming yourself some. I think if you needed attention..... You needed fucking attention because you had things that you were dealing with that were important to you and you didn't have anyone to share them with?
I could be off base just kinda wondering-