anyone on nal/tsm

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

:greatjob2:I am so glad you are ok!!! Great progress right!!!

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

Good news- I did have a few beers but decided to nap and then make a cup of tea instead of continuing to drink.

You are right UK- patience. I thought for sure I would get drunk today but after a few I was tired and when I woke up had not much desire to continue. It's like my brain says are you gonna get another beer? And my body says nope.

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

just a very quick fly by as I don't suppose I will get much chance to post tomorrow. the empty bottles evidence suggests I drank 2 bottles of wine, though there was half a tumbler left by my bed (which I chucked down the loo straight away.im not too happy about how much I drank but I am happy that I was able to space it out so I wasn't 'snot slinging' drunk too quickly. bkyoga, that is great that you were able to stop after a few beers. ive not really managed to do that so again 'well done you'.
I will be spending Christmas day with my mum and sister, and will be driving there so there is no way I will drink. its a tough one for my mum and she isn't really with it at the moments so it will be a bit odd I expect. mr spuds is going out with friends to the pub so no doubt he will be pissed when I get back home. I have bought some baileys and some Cointreau, which mixed is my favourite drink at Christmas. at the moment I feel I don't want to drink it but that is probably just because ive been feeling pretty crappy all day, I will just see how it goes. I will take nal in good time as I definitely need 2 hours plus for it to take effect. its 20 past midnight here so its now Christmas day, so I can wish you guys a very merry peaceful Christmas. now I had better get to sleep otherwise santa wont come visiting.

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

bkyogagurl;1602360 wrote: Oh Spud-

I think this has every thing to do with your alcoholism. I am so glad you are opening up and sharing. So I am getting that your dad was abusive physically to your mum? I am sorry but unfortunately it is more common than I would like to feel comfortable with. You witnessing that must have been terribly hard. It's odd to me how we try to down play how much something has hurt us. I do believe the kind of stress is detrimental to a child who is exposed to it. I know for myself, I always try to down play my emotions because I feel like there are so many people who are worse off than I have ever been....
BUT that doesn't allow me to feel my sad feelings. I wonder if you have given yourself that chance.:l
I am sooooooo happy you are able to post- I often take a drink to bed with me too.
Funny huh- how we can been somewhat alike. I often open a drink then fall asleep and wake up with a nearly full drink in the morn. Sometimes I wonder why I do this. It's like I worry about there being a shortage at some point in my life. Weird.

UK- I'm interested to know what spurs your addiction with food/alcohol. You said you had an eating problem due too or wanting attention. I think when an 18 yr old needs attention it's a cry for help. I feel like you might be blaming yourself some. I think if you needed attention..... You needed fucking attention because you had things that you were dealing with that were important to you and you didn't have anyone to share them with?
I could be off base just kinda wondering-

Ok well it started off with parents not paying attention, I'd been bullied for years at school (and I don't mean just normal stuff it really was so bad that as an adult it's been the first thing some people ask me about when they recognise me), parents told me to deal with it by ignoring it. Then I had an abusive relationship that I got myself out of fairly quickly. All I knew was that if I made myself underweight that it was important and I'd get attention ie make myself ill. In the meantime I also had these urges to escape, I'd always been a good eater, would see how much I could eat at parties and I think it was a comfort to me. Combine the two and you have a recipe for bulimia. I did start eating again once I made myself so thin I was ill, I don't tolerate hunger very well, it makes me feel empty inside, plus I feel the cold and find that unpleasant. I'm also very driven, obsessive and my alcohol intake followed a similar pattern, also recreational drugs when I got around to those - which was another chase for escape and a feeling of wanting to do something extreme. There isn't much I haven't put through my body although I've never tried heroin, crack or crystal meth and thank goodness for that. I didn't get addicted to drug but they always seemed like a good idea when I was drunk, and I'd take large quantities without care.

My Mother tells me she didn't hold me enough (in her opinion) as a baby, she was too busy making the house perfect for my Father. I was also taken from her at birth because I was jaundiced, she was sent home and I was kept in the hospital for 14 days, and fed on carnation milk (it's a condensed milk plus sugar subsititute). You can take from that what you will but I'm thinking this could have set up a sensitivity to sugar. When my brother was born I was jealous and felt pushed out.

Because of all of this I decided in my recovery I wanted to be substance free. I've moved into a sport where I'll eventually be drug tested(there are sections of the sport which aren't and performance enhancing drugs are normal/accepted there), and I try to avoid medications which could be mind altering.

I can put weight on rapidly as a result of eating large quantities of food (weight doesn't go on without this) but usually pull it back before I get obese - but I think I could go there if I really, really didn't care.

I still consume caffeine and sugar and try to monitor those.

Binge eating especially chocolate/sugars can release endorphins, the same things TSM blocks and how the method works. I remember reading a book about bulimia and it said a lot of bulimics go on to have alcohol or drug issues. I thought this rubbish at the time.

I don't think it's rubbish now.

I'm a flipping complicated person, I have had 70+ hours of therapy in the last 3-4 years. Previously I'd had some CBT, and various counselling/support services but never really developed it or went very deep.

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

bkyogagurl;1602401 wrote: Good news- I did have a few beers but decided to nap and then make a cup of tea instead of continuing to drink.

You are right UK- patience. I thought for sure I would get drunk today but after a few I was tired and when I woke up had not much desire to continue. It's like my brain says are you gonna get another beer? And my body says nope.

Ha ha, yep this is it!!!:H

So long as you are having days like this, it's working.

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

spuddleduck;1602692 wrote: just a very quick fly by as I don't suppose I will get much chance to post tomorrow. the empty bottles evidence suggests I drank 2 bottles of wine, though there was half a tumbler left by my bed (which I chucked down the loo straight away.im not too happy about how much I drank but I am happy that I was able to space it out so I wasn't 'snot slinging' drunk too quickly. bkyoga, that is great that you were able to stop after a few beers. ive not really managed to do that so again 'well done you'.
I will be spending Christmas day with my mum and sister, and will be driving there so there is no way I will drink. its a tough one for my mum and she isn't really with it at the moments so it will be a bit odd I expect. mr spuds is going out with friends to the pub so no doubt he will be pissed when I get back home. I have bought some baileys and some Cointreau, which mixed is my favourite drink at Christmas. at the moment I feel I don't want to drink it but that is probably just because ive been feeling pretty crappy all day, I will just see how it goes. I will take nal in good time as I definitely need 2 hours plus for it to take effect. its 20 past midnight here so its now Christmas day, so I can wish you guys a very merry peaceful Christmas. now I had better get to sleep otherwise santa wont come visiting.

Doesn't that curdle?

Have a good day today x

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

UK- I'm thinking about what you wrote and am enjoying my day with my family. But I am thinking of you.

Spud- you too. I will post when I have a window of time.

I am started on my first mimosa that is tasting really good- we will see how the day goes.
Had another good night last night- 6 drinks the whole day and night not even a buzz.

Be back soon

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

sorry i can only be brief. ukb thanks for sharing a bit of back story. seems there is always more than just plain old alcoholism. perhaps we.are al alcoholics and just need the right or wrong buttons to be pressed. not sure i really think this but a thought. 8.20pm on Christmas day (happy likewise). just back from dinner at mums dressed in my best elf outfit. been a tough day but had a few laughs. come.home to a very pissed Mr spuds .. well it makes a change from me. Im drinking my Bailey and country .not sure how i feel but wishing my nal (and all) friends a lovely peaceful Christmas x

[spuddleduck]

anyone on nal/tsm

oh did i forget go say. I TOOK MY NAL IN GOOD TIME

[Poink]

anyone on nal/tsm

Hi Spuds. Some people call alcoholism a disease of relapse. I haven't read this thread but I have read several of your other recent ones, and while I agree you have to keep trying as hard as you can, this is not a "one and done" disease for most of us. The best we can hope for is to take a couple of steps forward every time we fall back a step, and hope that the back-step isn't a costly one. You fall down? You try to get back up. Can't get back up? Get someone to lift you. But don't give up and lie there.

This may not make sense on this thread. But your posts on another thread have me concerned about you. This is a tough time of year. For me this is a hard time on this forum. And I am not one of the ones who have been successful beating this goddamn thing yet.

But I will. Hang in here with me. I've been crying a lot lately too. One of these days all of that will be behind us. If what we're trying now doesn't work, we'll just try harder.

Merry Christmas spuddleduck.

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

Spuds- you made me smile. I am feeling a bit intoxicated. I had a tough nite- will be anxious to share my thoughts with you & UK when I can gather them.

Poink- I am a little concerned about you being here on our thread- can you explain to me the anger toward ITAH that I noticed on other thread? I don't quite understand the whole troll thing yet... And am having a hard time grasping the fact that people would come here to make our struggles worse than they all ready are. But I will say I became angry at "isthereanyhope" after I saw your thread saying there was a troll among us and I actually thought about responding to some of the posts but thought I should check in with you first to see what was going on.
Please feel free to share any feelings you have as we have created a space for that.

UK- you are in my thoughts and I am thinking about your stuff.

[YouKayBee]

anyone on nal/tsm

Some interesting posts here.

Firstly it can be quite alarming when TSM actually requires the person to drink as they feel like it as an alternative to traditional abstenance based recoveries. Second Spuds can be a bit extreme when she's drunk, it's how she is and it comes out differently for everyone. I didn't tell many people when I started TSM and was lucky enough to have my behaviour moderated by the effects of naltrexone right from the start. I think because I'd also had a lot of counselling already (I'd had around 6 months of therapy at that point) and had fought quite a bit with baclofen I was probably in a much easier place.

Regards trolls, I remember being accused by one or two members here of being another log in, having a second account. The name of the other woman is right on the tip of my tongue, but can't recall her right now - I can recall her posts but not her name. Anyway we were both very much fighting against 'baclofen cures all' because for me it didn't, infact it made my life even worse, and I needed to go in another direction. So it was said I was both people who were saying it's not quite the answer to everything.

I wasn't the other person, and I did break the back of my addiction to alcohol with Naltrexone. I do remember feeling I needed support, not accusations and several times the accusations did make me incredibly angry, and they were not helping my state of mind at the time.

That time has gone however I would hate to see anyone else who's needing support have to go through the same.

On here we have to try and help others, which is what this thread is trying to do. Some people do find their way out with Naltrexone, for some it's brilliant and does the trick. Before this thread several members had contacted me, desperate for info on TSM who couldn't find it for all the baclofen threads.

I think we need to keep this thread up high for anyone else who is lurking and wondering.

[Poink]

anyone on nal/tsm

Bkyoga, I came to this thread because it seemed to be the one that Spuddleduck visited the most. I pull so hard for the people on this board who fight so hard and won't quit no matter how many times they fall and no matter how hard the going gets. For some, they find one of the meds or one of the disciplines and things just click and they live happily ever after. For others things come a little harder. On some other threads, Spuds posted some things that touched me, and I wanted to offer her support.

I'm not real good at the touchy-feely stuff. If it sounded like anything other than an expression of complete support and love for a fellow sufferer than it was a failure to communicate.

[bkyogagurl]

anyone on nal/tsm

Poink- thank you for your support. I wasn't meaning any accusations I was just wondering what angered you? After going thru and looking at the posts by ITAH I see what you are talking about. I can't believe some one could come here to be hurtful. So sad. Anyway thank you for supporting Spud- she definitely needs it and will appreciate it. Please feel free to stick around and share any insight you have touchy feely or not. Spud and I are working hard with Nal and sometimes I think we both get frustrated. It's nice to a cheerleader or two.

UK- I can't believe someone would accuse of being a troll. I think some people get so worked up when others are just trying to convey their thoughts and feelings but like texting it comes across wrong when you can't hear the tone in which they are speaking. I am so very glad you are here!!:wings:

I feeling very down as I drank way to much last night and am going thru the "I am never gonna get better" thoughts. I am so bummed. My little guy came into my room and asked if I was ok and if I drank to much beer? I was honest and said yes. He gave me a hug & told me I was the best mom in the whole world. Can't say I feel much that way.

I am planning to start some AF days starting today. I wish I could promise a certain amount but I always seem to never make the mark so I am just going to try for as many as I can.

I had really bad thoughts last night and I don't like it when I get that low. I have struggled with suicidial thoughts most my life. I use self talk to remind myself of what a good person I am and how I need to be here because I have a lot of goodness to share and that my kids need me. I remind myself that my addiction doesn't define me- it's just a hurdle in my life right now.
I will be so happy when I brake these chains of drunken drinking. I hate it.
I want to cry my eyes out because I don't want to create any addiction in my kids.:upset:

I read somewhere that a person posted they don't blame anyone or anything for their drinking problems.
I do.... It makes me mad that my mom & dad weren't there for me and my mom gave me crank/meth when I was 14 and bought me all the alcohol I wanted before I was 21. I think this directly affected my addictive behaviour. Exposure to drugs and alcohol this early in life was really bad for me. I know now it's my choice to break these chains and I am trying and trying to do so.

How do you feel? It sounds like maybe your parents weren't as present as they should have been in your life. I wonder if you have feelings you haven't been able to quite get over or work thru and that is where you eating gets out of control. I hope you are doing good and are happy with where you are.

:l

Spud - check in when you can. I am wondering if we were in the same place last night?

[Poink]

anyone on nal/tsm

I started TSM early in 2012. I had been on nal for several months before that while trying to remain sober. I added bac to it mid-2012. There are posts on this forum and the TSM forum. I was on nal for a long time, and may go back to it. A traumatic brain injury interrupted my recovery, but not, as it turns out, my disease. I am on/have been on nal, bac, campral, topo....seems like a couple of other things.

Recently I was taking 75mg/bac per day,250mg/topomax per day,1332mg/campral per day and ran out of nal a couple of days ago. I need to go full tilt boogie in some direction but can't fucking decide.

The topo and campral were prescribed by my shrink. The nal prescribed by a previous shrink and was sitting around. The bac also was just sitting around. I still believe that baclofen will be the answer, but I had a lot of problems with SE's before. I'm an alcoholic. Sometimes I would go up 50-100mg per week. I wanted the cure and I wanted it fucking NOW!

Struggling with nal? Been there, done that. But I know that it can work.

But the important thing, the main thing, the thing that some people don't want you to know or believe, is this:

THERE ARE OTHER THINGS THAT MIGHT WORK FOR YOU. PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP.

Just because it didn't work for someone else, don't disregard it. Read through the threads. What almost killed one person saved another person.

I am sorry that I hold this forum in such high regard. I just don't think you belong here if you're either not seeking to help or seeking help. I didn't find this forum looking for e-friends, I was dying and was trying to live. I thank whatever god there might be that Lo0p and some of the other oldtimers were here.