Depression Post Holidays

[spiritwolf333]

Having experienced my first round of holidays -sober with the help of baclofen, I still find myself dealing with the hard core blues. Perhaps this is normal and I have just been too wasted in the past to really care? And maybe I sink back into remembering just how awesome it really was to be with my three boys and my wife. It is almost as though I would like to re-live those days -but this time sober. I was always there with them and did most all the right things a dad should do, I just knew to myself that I was drinking and maybe the drinking would diminish the memories.

Well, I look back now, sober, and realize just how wonderful those times really were -just how heartfelt and meaningful those days really were. And then the pain creeps in.

What I do know is this; baclofen allowed me the gift of sobriety this holiday season. Perhaps it is a healthy thing to experience this pain I am now under. In recent months, the depression has only lasted a few days and then it is gone. I can only believe that this will be the case now as well.

[available]

Depression Post Holidays

Spirit i suffer with depression and anxiety also. When i gave up AL for 40 days my anxiety left me nearly completely. When i started AL again, the moderation which grew to excess, the anxiety shot through the roof. I knew in my heart that i was getting depressed also, something i have suffered on and off for years, so I did the right thing and went back on my meds. They are now starting to work, thank god, i had no motivation, nothing made me happy, life sucked and consuming copious quantities of AL did not get rid of the feelings. I like you want the wonderful times and I so want them AF. I am a fan of hypnosis CD's they seem to calm the inner me. But remember AL does not cure depression, i am learning that lesson finally.

[Cassander]

Depression Post Holidays

Hi Spirit

Available is certainly right -- alcohol doesn't cure depression. That's for sure.

I'm guessing that the "depression" you are feeling is a bit of nostalgia tinged with a fair amount of guilt. When I quit drinking, I found that the guilt over mistakes, large and small, that I had made during my drinking past, both drinking-related and not, lingered and would occasionally still bring me down. As I worked away from my old behaviors and replaced them with the new, I, essentially, "recovered", and started living in the present more and more. When I think about the past now I do so mostly in a judgment-free and self-flagellation-free way, and when I think about the future it is with anticipation of the wonder of life and not dread or anxiety.

I take no credit for this. It is not about willpower or willing a result. Its about having eliminated alcohol from my life and with the freedom that resulted taking the opportunity presented to rebuild my life with regular exercise and stress avoidance, and conscious moderation in sleep, work, and food. So far, its working.

I strongly suspect this is what you, too, have to look forward to.

Cass

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Depression Post Holidays

Guilt and fear are incredibly powerful negative influences. I avoid the first at all costs and try really hard to recognize the latter whenever it appears. Which is almost daily. Fear is the default reaction for many human beings when it comes to decisions and the future and stuff. At least that's what I gather from experts in the area.

In the beginning I just actively avoided thoughts about the past. I used lots of techniques and self-trickery to do it, too. It was too overwhelming. Time really helps to put things in perspective, of course. But in the meantime, it might help to dismiss those thoughts. Nostalgia and regret are cousins to guilt, which is a feeder of fear.

I also avoided the news and scary or sad movies and television. Part of that was that I was particularly open and vulnerable (in the best way) to other people's experiences and emotions. I don't know if that's baclofen. I suspect it's a function of new sobriety, and probably personality, too. I didn't really have any boundaries, which is a beautiful place to be, but also a thin line. That makes sense, right? Even now, it's very difficult in general to connect with other people without being overwhelmed or overwhelming. For instance, my parents stayed with us over the holiday and it was wonderful, and difficult. I can certainly relate to where you're coming from in terms of dealing with history/regret/remorse. And in my case, I suppose I'm still angry in a way. (My dad is still sick with this thing and won't take baclofen. There are lots of other dynamics, too. Just because I ignore them doesn't mean they go away. I'm still learning to manage all of that...I think that's called life. :H)

I hope some of that makes sense and is helpful in some way to someone. I have to run without spending any time editing, which I always regret. (Pun intended)

Hope it's a good day, Spirit and company.

[little beagle]

Depression Post Holidays

Spirit I sympathize with how you feel.
I can only speak from my own personal experience. I spent many years drinking. I compare this to beavers building a dam across the stream of my emotions. This left me feeling numb and disconnected. About 2 months into my sobriety it felt like that dam was destroyed and the emotions all came in a rush. It was honestly a little overwhelming. I laughed, I cried.......and inappropriately at time I might add. After 7 months the flood has slowed down, but I still am getting use to feeling again.
Also, many other people get post holiday depression. This is a very common thing. So much build up and then when it's over, we are left feeling flat.
I always look forward to reading your posts. I know we are on different threads and all, but you are wonderful.

[JDizzle]

Depression Post Holidays

Spirit, sounds like garden variety alcoholism to me. Have u considered working the 12 steps? I'm not saying go to meetings and be a big book thumper or anything like that. I'm just saying clean house....work on ur resentments and fears, then make amends. I agree fear is a very powerful emotion that is the basis for many of our reactions to it.... Anger, jealousy, sadness. This is the one reason I am not extremely keen on meds. Just because we are not drinking anymore (I still am...talking about us attempting meds) does not mean that we are not still broken. Years and years of alcoholism causing problems in our family life is not solved because we don't drink anymore. Rigorous honesty isn't just meant to other people (although its a great start). We also have to be honest with ourselves.

Hang in there dude. We're all broken. Ur not alone.

[spiritwolf333]

Depression Post Holidays

Thank You!!

I really am thankful for the replies to this thread. The thoughtful input so far has lifted my spirits. The combined thoughts thus far are exceptional and now its time to walk the talk. Too often, I find myself skirting around the issue at hand. Ego down, my thread would have read "Depression Sucks -I need help and Advice".

Asking for help is a funny/strange mix. I have to remember that if I had not asked for help, I would not have found baclofen/mwo and my current gift of sobriety. Perhaps I really am one of those die-hards that are only able to ask for help in moments of extreme desperation? Who knows.

Thankfully, you stepped up to the plate and offered some great insight and advice. It is just hell being 50 yrs old -head of household and feeling like the head of the lost department -pretending all is ok. And now, finally sober and feeling quite content with the world at hand, I get sideswiped with this darkness. At least now, in a sober state, I can rationalize that this will lift and all will be ok. And I am ever so grateful that the usual accompanying anxiety is not in play. As a side note, I remember this darkness when I was a young kid (7-8). I just thought it was a normal part of life for everyone.

@available -perhaps I will reconsider meds. In the past, the 3 or 4 that I tried really caused more depression and some kind of detachment. And more than anything, I do remember just how bad the alcohol added to the depression. Some of my final thoughts before quitting were; "just drink more so you don't have to feel the depression". And guess what, the depression increases so I would just drink more often to "not feel". With baclofen, the alcohol is not even a good cover up -it just does not work to temporarily suppress the depression or create a sense of false peace.

@cass -yes, you are spot on. The nostalgia mixed in with guilt is exactly what is going on. This scenario pops up quite often -and primarily with my kids (young adult sons). What could I have done better -especially had I been sober. But Cass, as you said, I truly try to do things differently now -to do things in a real and positive way. And I am slowly becoming accepting of "the future is going to better than just fine". My brain has been on defense for so long that it just does not totally accept (yet) -all will be ok.
And I think I once heard you mention something about exercise -which I have totally ignored these last nine months. And yes, I do remember how just a few good minutes of cardio could instantly change my outlook. I am coming to love the "MODERATION"; something I don't think I have ever practiced.

@Ne -You know Ne, I am a perfectionist at feeling guilty. Even if I have done nothing wrong at all, I sometimes worry that I did. I am able to recognize this fact yet I somehow do not know how to derail it. And also, I am tired of living in fear. I have fallen as low as one can almost go (in the past), yet I seem to always be ok and I still live in fear. Well, not near as much fear as in the past but it is still there. You speak of difficulty connecting with others. For me, I go to many lengths to insure that I am friending someone who is forthright in their motives and their truthfulness. Probably has cost me meeting some good people in the past but that is the way my brain was made. Or at least that is my excuse.

@little beagle what a great analogy (the dam and beavers). The feeling flat part sucks. I guess that is why I always used alcohol -the trusted servant/master could always change the way I was feeling. Of all feelings in the world, I hate feeling depressed -period. Thanks for your posts comments.

@JD -yes, it is true. It is garden variety but I always wanted to think of myself as "I am different". An ole timer straightened me out one time in a meeting regarding this issue. A fellow member once told me that the 12 step group would probably be a great organization if it were not for all the drunks. I laughed my arse off as we both listened to the speakers final comments. You make some GREAT points and I am listening.

[Cassander]

Depression Post Holidays

spiritwolf333;1593772 wrote: ...@cass -...And I think I once heard you mention something about exercise -which I have totally ignored these last nine months. ...

[Alky]

Depression Post Holidays

Hi Spirit, I've only been around 8 months, so I don't know your history, but from your initial post on this thread, I take it you no longer live with your family?

I was quite lucky this Thanksgiving - it is the first one in 13 years I would have spent alone. My wife went to visit her parents in New England. I voluntarily did not go, as it would have been quite awkward. I had no plans of my own until my best friend from college called to say he was bringing his family to Disney World for the long Thanksgiving weekend and invited me to dinner with them. It would have been a solitary, depressing holiday otherwise. I doubt I'd have gone out by myself.

Again, I don't presume to know your situation, and I don't want to sound like I'm dispensing simplistic, obvious advice, but if you are alone, is it possible to surround yourself with "healthy" people (I didn't say family, because at times family can be the most toxic people to be around) this time of year?

[JDizzle]

Depression Post Holidays

U r different bro, but not as diff than me. I'm way more alcoholicy than anyone ever ever. Hahah. Sounds like u know whats up. Glad u shared.