hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

[YouKayBee]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

I'm an atheist, I have a belief system and if I needed to go to a meeting to stay sober I'd go.

Being AF (and free of any drugs/meds) is hard, you have to sit and take the sh1t, and get through it somehow. I miss disappearing into a bottle but consequences are just not worth it.

[MissIndygo]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

Ukblonde;1599863 wrote: I'm an atheist, I have a belief system

Imho you are an agnostic Ukblonde, as atheist hold no beliefs whatsoever.

[Fred_The_Cat]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

MissIndygo;1599865 wrote: Imho you are an agnostic Ukblonde, as atheist hold no beliefs whatsoever.

Note how I said my atheistic thought process, not beliefs.

Atheism is a process by which I screen out BS, it is not a set of beliefs that I swallow whole and defend to the death. If the evidence changes, so do my conclusions. I never said it was convenient or comfortable- but I can accept it.

That's actually an issue I take with other atheists- they get so hung up on disproving the Bible that they are more interested in head butting and showing off how smart they think they are instead of getting the full benefit of inquiry and a questioning attitude.

There is no spiritual dimension in my life- none. That's on the same plane as aliens and the illuminati. I consider this more of a behavioral correction than a mystical journey to Shangra-La-De-Da, there is no need to make it palatable. I'm Pavlov's dog, not Siddhartha.

Need I remind us that we landed on this forum because Dr. Amesien thought beyond AA idolatry and dogma?

[And]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

I at least did not have in mind you should adopt or surrender to their dogma. We are social animals, we benefit from being with other people, especially if this is some kind of a support setting. For now it sounds you're just sitting home and depressing yourself. Which is quite common, since stopping drinking and learning to live sober are two completely different things. If there's nothing you can put in place of the now gone booze, things won't get better. Get out of there, do something. AA comes to mind first, but there are other options. I do have a plan if problems overwhelm me, I'd become a volunteer in a children's hospice. I've heard and I know many come to a conclusion their problems are completely trivial, non-existent really after they experience what they experience.

[Jazi's Mum]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

Hi Fred. Others will have better advice but what has given me some completely sober periods was just getting ONE night sober. (of course I came back to the booze but that's because I had not extinguished the cravings and that's another story)

What I did was set myself up so that I could absolutely not drink for one night (nor in the day). And the next night I felt so good about that that I was able to have another clear night.

You are obviously a seasoned bac user and have reached your switch at some time last year. Is it possible that your cravings are still alive and kicking? You feel fear of being completely sober but is that because you still have a craving to reach for that first beer? It may be a 'quiet' craving but not fully extinguished. Just a thought.

I'm not even on bac yet as my shipment has not arrived but I'm reading and posting to try to set myself up for success so pardon my butting in. I hope you can find the key soon.

Jazi's Mum

[JDizzle]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

Well point taken. Sobriety isn't for for people who need. It's for people who want it. Working the 12 steps and going to and being involved in AA are different things. You sound like an educated person and for sure could wrap urself around the laws of the universe being a power greater than urself. I have know idea what that power is. I just know something bigger than me is happening out there. I'm pretty much not the center of the universe, though I think so when I have problems.

[JDizzle]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

SKendall;1599799 wrote: JDizzle, I hope you were just having a bit of fun with your post to Byrdie, she is a well-respected member of this forum and spends ALOT of time with newbies. Don't make me come down there.

She said call me crazy. I was just being polite.

Actually felt bad later for joking on a serious post. But hey, come down here anyways. We could have cake and milk.

[skullbabyland]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

Hi Fred,

This thread sort of turned into an AA-or-not discussion, and everyone's got their opinions pretty well set in that regard. Thought it might be helpful to steer it back to the topic of moderated drinking equalling mediocrity in your life.

I definitely did and do feel the same way. For me, drinking in moderation is not enjoyable- it's like getting just a little gassy, bloated, lazy, without the "fun" of the drunken euphoria. For me, there's no upside. If I was getting fucked up, that'd be one thing-- it is what it is. But if not, then I'd rather be strong, effective, motivated, and kick ass-- and for me, that means no low-doses of poison in my system (I need to listen to my own advice here, in regards to smoking).

Anyway, I think going AF is a great move for you- even if you were to just shoot for 30 days. If you do, anticipate some rocky emotional ups and downs for the first 2 or 3 weeks. The 4th week is pretty glorious, though.

Reject mediocrity, Fred, in whatever way you need to.

[Fred_The_Cat]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

4 days under my belt so far- but I'm not going to count. What's important is that in live this decision rather than measure it.

Also, I should add that much of the boredom in my life is by design. I chose to live out in the country rather than in the city to avoid temptation, and for the most part it has paid off money-wise.

As far as AA, I don't see anything wrong with it except how it has become unilaterally handed down as the end-all solution to drinking. It has done a better job of selling itself as an institution than getting people sober. The universal, unquestioning acceptance is what I take issue with.

[Byrdlady]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

JDizzle;1599934 wrote: She said call me crazy. I was just being polite.

Actually felt bad later for joking on a serious post. But hey, come down here anyways. We could have cake and milk.

Count me in on this soiree!!!


Fred,
As Kendall did mention, I have been around a while, and I've seen what works and what doesn't. One thing I have noticed is that we can't manage what we don't measure. I'm not an AA'r or part of any group other than MWO here, but I have seen so many people say they are not counting days..... because they are setting themselves up mentally to fall. While everyone IS different, I see that addicted minds think alike. I did that, too! Since you are well on your way with 4 days, I'd like to invite you to join the Newbie's Nest Roll Call thread and the Newbie's Nest! We give prizes and everything! It is wonderful to be part of a group who is fighting the same battle, AND it gives you accountability. That's the issue I have with not counting days (especially the first 30). I have seen that if people aren't serious about their count, they aren't serious about their quit. This is just observational data from me (you can call me crazy again if need be), but I pay attention to BEHAVIOR. We have no agenda in the newbie's nest other than helping each other succeed! Come on over! With your 4 days you can help someone else who just started today! And so it goes. All the best, Byrdie

[YouKayBee]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

Fred_The_Cat;1599963 wrote: 4 days under my belt so far- but I'm not going to count. What's important is that in live this decision rather than measure it.

Also, I should add that much of the boredom in my life is by design. I chose to live out in the country rather than in the city to avoid temptation, and for the most part it has paid off money-wise.

As far as AA, I don't see anything wrong with it except how it has become unilaterally handed down as the end-all solution to drinking. It has done a better job of selling itself as an institution than getting people sober. The universal, unquestioning acceptance is what I take issue with.

You've got a massive tool there, use it!

I recently went to a meeting but haven't been back, since then I have however enjoyed reading bits from their Came to Believe and their Daily Reflections books which I ready had at home. What I do with it however is put it into the context of my life, not take it as a you must do this, more of a way of gaining hope and strength from it. When they refer to the steps I apply them to MWO instead of AA, so December is 12th Step stuff passing the message on, well on MWO I do help other alcoholics so that's my version of their 12th Step.

By the way the stuff I've written isn't about persuading anyone to go to AA, it's about using whatever tools are out there and I think a lot of their stuff as stand alone stuff, without taking the commitment to their organisation is very useful.

[Jazi's Mum]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

Can I chime in on the AA stuff? One of the secrets is finding the right group! My first attempt, years ago, I walked along the street close to the buildings in a very small town, trying to look invisible, snuck through the basement door into the church hall to find a dozen LARGE farmer-types in overalls, sitting around a table yakking away to beat the band.

I said in a very timid voice "am I in the right place?" One of the gentlemen said "no, little lady, the women are in the kitchen making the sandwiches." Needless to say that was not the group for me.

But in larger towns and cities of course there are lots of groups so anyone can find a good fit if that kind of face-to-face support is important. Even if we take bac, or use TSM, AA can help as part of a Tool Box.

[Fred_The_Cat]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

Jazi's Mum;1600014 wrote: Can I chime in on the AA stuff? One of the secrets is finding the right group! My first attempt, years ago, I walked along the street close to the buildings in a very small town, trying to look invisible, snuck through the basement door into the church hall to find a dozen LARGE farmer-types in overalls, sitting around a table yakking away to beat the band.

I said in a very timid voice "am I in the right place?" One of the gentlemen said "no, little lady, the women are in the kitchen making the sandwiches." Needless to say that was not the group for me.

But in larger towns and cities of course there are lots of groups so anyone can find a good fit if that kind of face-to-face support is important. Even if we take bac, or use TSM, AA can help as part of a Tool Box.

LOL- yeah rural characters are something else. The AA group I went to was actually as good as it could have gotten for me as far as age groups/demographics go. It was held at a university building in the middle of the city- so no farmers in overalls types for sure. There were a few things that put me off about the idea of sticking with it though:

- The guy who always showed up drunk, pretended to be sober and would talk repetitively at length about his spiritual insights. (There is a twofold purpose for letting drunks come to meetings- for their own benefit, but moreso for everyone else's to see what they look like when they drink!)

- The guy who kept changing spiritual paths every meeting and clearly had no actual commitment to any of them.

- The former prostitute/heroin addict who had this drill sergeant mentality of being sober. She was scary.

I suppose that the main reason was that I really didn't have anything to contribute within the 12 step framework. One discussion we talked about the subject of surrender, and I said that I absolutely had to surrender to the fact that my nerves were fried from drink and that my brain chemistry was beyond my control. A true statement that I could reconcile with my beliefs, but there was nothing magic about it that would gain traction with the discussion.

It really takes a certain type of person to fit into the 12 step mentality, and I think it's been a huge disservice to plaster it about as the only option out there. Looking back, I would never have even discovered baclofen had I not become dissatisfied with AA and saw the need to look beyond it.


I've slowly been preparing my family for my decision to quit by approaching it very gradually. They were with me two weeks ago and last weekend when they saw how much sleep I lost over a trifling amount of alcohol, and they know that I've had a rough bout coming off of antidepressants. I've dropped hints here and there that I can't drink like I used to and will just have to do it less often. They will figure out in time that I don't drink anymore.

I cannot, cannot say that I'm quitting because I have a problem. It may be the truth, but making that statement earns a permanent stigma that will be used against me indefinitely. I've even tried admitting my problem to a test audience of a select couple friends- of course they did not respect my confidentiality and I could tell from remarks here and there that people were picking me apart behind my back. It would be 10 times worse were it my family.

As far as my sober time goes- I'm up to 5 days now. The first three were a total waste, and I can say that because I was fully aware of how much time I was frittering away feeling like crap. Were I drinking, it would have been business as usual wasting time and not even realizing it. Yesterday I actually felt normal, had a good night's sleep and knocked off a few things:

- got about 20 minutes of meditation in
- studied a few modules for my programming cert. exam next week
- made dinner
- exercised (I am down to 158 lbs now and officially no longer overweight. Suck it Zoloft!)

Did I do any of these things well? Hell no! My mediation was fraught with distractions, the practice test I took for my exam does not bode well at all for next week and I only burned 150 calories when I wanted to do 600. But something I read about fighting depression comes to mind:

"Anything worth doing at all is worth doing poorly"

It was screwing up at meditating, exercising and studying that made me realize I really need to be actually doing it more often rather than thinking about it. Sounds trivial and obvious, but that fact really does not sink in until the rubber meets the road, details come out to trip you up and your rosy view of your limitations is shattered by actually having to do things.

Also, I've noticed a pattern when I drink: After one night of drinking, it takes about 3 days to fully recover from it and become productive and proactive again. I don't know whether this is physical or a matter of habit, but even drinking once a week is not a realistic target if it puts me out of commission for half the week. And that's only if I can fight the temptation to leave it at one occasion a week- that rarely even works out. My life cannot be like a fighter plane that requires 10 hours of ground maintenance for every hour it's in the air having a blast!

[kronkcarr]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

Fred,

I think it's perfect to not talk about quitting drinking with your family. Just take care of yourself and there's no need for discussion. As far as doing things with your free time I'm thinking it will get easier as you continue. It did for me.

[Jazi's Mum]

hitting bottom with a whimper, not a bang

Yeah, I second the motion not to tell anybody if you have already had a bad experience....who's business is it really? Most people just cannot understand what you are going through - and those who are drunks like us mostly are in denial and don't want to hear of anyone getting out of the mud.

It's harder to do all this on our own - I have not discussed my upcoming bac use with my husband - I hide my 'problem' very well and don't drink to drunkness - besides if he acknowledged that I had a problem he'd have to look to his drinking - and he drinks wine for his "health" - oh yeah!

Your post sounded hopeful really, Fred. You are so close to just giving it all up. Me too actually. But taking that step: I will not drink again is such a huge deal I can feel your pain!!! I'll be there in a few weeks. Hope today is a good one for you.