RIP LoOp

[Fred_The_Cat]

RIP LoOp

I just wanted to say something to Evan which I never got to:

When he was sizing me up over the phone he asked me what I did for a living. I told him it was a very esoteric engineering field (up there with the space program) and he was floored. He proceeded to tell me that he had taken college classes at 15 but dropped out when addiction stole the next 10 years of his life. Every time he'd note some strange savant mannerism in me he'd point it out and say "You know you gotta admit we're the same person deep down!"

I could tell that, in a sense, he was living vicariously through me. Seeing me beat my addiction and getting my life back from the verge of losing it all WAS his life. I think it was his way of reaching back for those 10 years he'd lost to alcohol. There was also a sense- which I never asked about- that he never got to complete an academic title. I don't know whether he felt beyond that or that he couldn't go back, but here's what I wished I had told him:

At the end of the day, an academic title determines how much you're compensated, but not what you actually accomplish. You have taken an initiative that someone resting on the laurels of a degree would never think to- and that is the true measure of your worth.

[Greg]

RIP LoOp

I'd just like to say I was shocked and saddened to read about Lo0p. I haven't been on the forum lately and only just logged in now, but I remember him and how dedicated he was to baclofen treatment. Hopefully others will continue his great work.

RIP

[Lo0p]

RIP LoOp

redhead77;1601740 wrote: I haven't read through everything posted today, I'll admit that in advance. I was busy working Taking care of critically ill patients.. My eyes were so swollen from crying all night, I shouldn't have worked today. I loved Evan so much. Although I never expressed it, as I should have. He was always there for me.

I'm angry, very upset with him. He had too many people relying on him to do this. From the little I've read, nobody feels anger. Maybe they are advanced human beings- I already know some of you are. I'm working on being more advanced. But I will say, you're not allowed to check out when people need you. *Even by accident*.

I'm sorry, Renee. I sincerely apologize for your loss as a mother. I adored your son. I'm going through stages of grief. There are stages. I'm in the anger stage. I'm not an angry person, so I can't imagine it won't last long. I hope the next will be acceptance. He was such an influence on my life. I'll always have much love in my heart for him.

this has come and gone for me to no need to apologize .Renee

[Lo0p]

RIP LoOp

Fred_The_Cat;1601750 wrote: I just wanted to say something to Evan which I never got to:

When he was sizing me up over the phone he asked me what I did for a living. I told him it was a very esoteric engineering field (up there with the space program) and he was floored. He proceeded to tell me that he had taken college classes at 15 but dropped out when addiction stole the next 10 years of his life. Every time he'd note some strange savant mannerism in me he'd point it out and say "You know you gotta admit we're the same person deep down!"

I could tell that, in a sense, he was living vicariously through me. Seeing me beat my addiction and getting my life back from the verge of losing it all WAS his life. I think it was his way of reaching back for those 10 years he'd lost to alcohol. There was also a sense- which I never asked about- that he never got to complete an academic title. I don't know whether he felt beyond that or that he couldn't go back, but here's what I wished I had told him:

At the end of the day, an academic title determines how much you're compensated, but not what you actually accomplish. You have taken an initiative that someone resting on the laurels of a degree would never think to- and that is the true measure of your worth.

so true. thank you, Renee

[Lo0p]

RIP LoOp

windycitylady;1601748 wrote: Jesus.
So this is real, huh?
I've been a mess for the last 24 hours.

I, like Evan, am an atheist. I put my faith in science. But, also like Evan, I believe that we don't understand everything around us and that really anything's possible. Thank you to Mandiekinz for reposting "Pulverizing Synchronicity", where Evan so eloquently explains this.
Blaise Pascal wrote of "the perfect bet" in regards to religion and spirituality. The perfect bet is one in which you win no matter the outcome. Pray to God, imagine heaven, try to speak with your loved ones who have passed. If there is a god, if there is a heaven, if your loved ones can hear you, then you win. If there isn't, then you have not lost. You have been comforted by your beliefs and have lost nothing.

In that spirit, I need to talk to Evan. And maybe this is selfish on my part. And maybe it should be more private. It is not meant to discount the pain that those closer to Evan than me must be in right now. Thank you so much to Renee for posting and keeping us updated. I can't imagine the grief you must be experiencing. And to Beth. Oh Beth. You don't need me to tell you how much he loved and respected you. You helped him, no, you healed him in a profound way. He adored you. But, yes. Selfishly, I need to do this. And, who knows? Maybe Evan can see it or feel it.

Evan, I sent you a text Thursday night. It said, "Did barbell squats with 100lbs today for the first time. I know you're busy, but it felt like a milestone that I needed to share with you." When I heard what had happened to you, this seemed like a wildly inappropriate last text. A bad joke. Now that a little time has passed, I think I like it. Before I discovered drinking, I was anorexic. Once I quit, the desire to be smaller returned with a vengeance. And in those turbulent first months, exercising kept me sane. The fear, the anger, the grief I was feeling, that all disappeared when I was running on the beach in Chicago. But you helped me see that I didn't want to be small anymore. I wanted to be strong. And that there was a difference. I followed your advice to the letter. You said that in a year you wanted me barbell squatting my weight. I laughed at you. But I started doing squats unweighted. Then with 20 lbs. And so on. It's been a year, Evan. And I'm so fucking close.
You told me that I was beautiful. I told you that you had no idea what I looked like. You said it didn't matter. I sent you a picture. All you said was that I still needed to build more muscle. You accidentally sent me a text meant for someone else about our conversations. It said, "She thinks I'm referring to her physical body. I'm not. She's a beautiful person no matter what." That blew my mind. I cried.
You told me that we would meet in Chicago in two years. Again, I laughed. But it crossed my mind maybe a week ago that it has been a year since you said that. And I wondered...but, no. I know now that that isn't going to happen.

There were, of course, much more profound conversations than about bodybuilding. You helped me through several difficult times in my life, and I think or I hope that I helped you through yours. There is the amazing work you've done to forward the cause of baclofen and to help others find their way to the freedom we've all found. You were an astoundingly generous, kind soul. And blisteringly intelligent. I jokingly told you once that you should use your smarts for good and find me a recipe for a homemade 2% salicylic acid face treatment and a hand fed rosey bourke Australian grass parakeet. Within minutes you fired back with the weight and percentage of salicylic acid in a pill of aspirin. "You're smart enough to figure it out from there. Put it in vegetable glycerin." And you found a rosey bourke in northern Michigan that wasn't hand fed but was very young. Close enough. I was very impressed.

These things seem silly to recount now. You did so much more impressive things. But these are the things that run through my mind when I think of missing you. Your silliness, your wit, your intelligence. Most of all your fierce love of life and of humanity. But yours was not a blind optimism. You understood better than anyone the pain that exists in the world and within the hearts of individuals. You were aware of your own darkness and sadness. But despite that, you had a deep, unshakable faith in the goodness of people and in their potential for happiness. One that I envy. You were a better person than I am, Evan. Better than a lot of people. You would argue with me about that, I know you would. I wish you would.

On your forums I posted what I called my love letter to you a few months ago. A few excerpts from songs and books that I thought would appeal to you. You had a very strong reaction to the last thing I posted, an excerpt from Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse, of all things. You left me a voicemail where you seemed upset about it, and I felt guilty. But you later explained that you just felt that it described you so well that it shook you up. Well, you were a lot more poetic than that, of course, but that was the gist of it. The excerpt was:

There are a good many people of the same kind as Harry. Many artists are of his kind. These persons all have two souls, two beings within them. There is God and the devil in them; the mother's blood and the father's; the capacity for happiness and the capacity for suffering; and in just such a state of enmity and entanglement towards and within each other as were the wolf and man in Harry. And these men, for whom life has no repose, live at times in their rare moments of happiness with such strength and indescribable beauty, the spray of their moment's happiness is flung so high and dazzlingly over the wide sea of suffering, that the light of it, spreading its radiance, touches others too with its enchantment. Thus, like a precious, fleeting foam over the sea of suffering arise all those works of art, in which a single individual lifts himself for an hour so high above his personal destiny that his happiness shines like a star and appears to all who see it as something eternal and as a happiness of their own. All these men, whatever their deeds and works may be, have really no life; that is to say, their lives are not their own and have no form. They are not heroes, artists or thinkers in the same way that other men are judges, doctors, shoemakers, or schoolmasters. Their life consists of a perpetual tide, unhappy and torn with pain, terrible and meaningless, unless one is ready to see its meaning in just those rare experiences, acts, thoughts and works that shine out above the chaos of such a life. To such men the desperate and horrible thought has come that perhaps the whole of human life is but a bad joke, a violent and ill-fated abortion of the primal mother, a savage and dismal catastrophe of nature. To them, too, however, the other thought has come that man is perhaps not merely a half-rational animal but a child of the gods and destined to immortality.

Evan, in retrospect, it was a pretty dark thing to post. And I would never call your life a perpetual tide that was terrible and meaningless. But I do know with all my heart that the light of your happiness did spread its radiance over the sea of suffering.
That you changed lives.
That you fucking saved lives.

There were a couple things that I'd been planning to post on your site soon. I'm sorry that I didn't do it soon enough. One was these lyrics from the new Eminem (who you know I love as much as I love TS Eliot) album about rebuilding your life in recovery:

So feel the fire beneath your feet
As you barely even perspire from the heat
Exhale deep and breathe a sigh of relief
And as you say goodbye to the grief
It's like watching the walls melt in your prison cell
But you've extinguished this living hell
Still a little piece of you dies, as you scream

I'm standing in the flames
And it's a beautiful kind of pain
Setting fire to yesterday
Find a light, find a light, find a light

I feel the burn, watch the smoke as I turn rising,
A phoenix from the flames
I have learned, from fighting fights, that weren't mine
Not with fists, but with wings that I will fly


I love you, sweetheart, and I miss you already.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with the epic length of this post. I never meant to imply that I cared more or knew Evan better than other people. In fact, I know that's not the case. But, for better or for worse, this is how I deal. People who know me around here know that.
And I feel better. So thank you.

Much love to Renee, the rest of Evan's family, and to Beth. Take what comfort you can in the fact that he was such an amazing, kind, generous soul who helped so many. My thoughts are with you.

Much love to everyone, in fact.

Devonit can never be to much. he showed me those posts. thanks for sharing , Renee

[Rusty]

RIP LoOp

Dear Renee,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son, Evan. He must have loved and trusted you beyond words to include you in his journey to save others through Baclofen, by giving you the password to his log-in here, share posts with you, and include you in the many complicated but altruistic aspects of his life. It speaks well of you. How many sons have such extraordinary bonds with their mothers? I am AF because of baclofen, and because of Evan's support. I will always be grateful.

Renee, to express my grief over Evan's loss, I don't have the words, and even if I did have the words, they would never be enough.:l

Fondly,

Rusty

[skullbabyland]

RIP LoOp

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss, Renee. I didn't know Evan well, but we'd talked on phone and on gchat a couple times. I appreciated the lengths he went to in order to help people like me.

In addition to all his posts on so many threads here, one thing about Evan that made me feel confident enough to begin Baclofen treatment is his drinking graph that he kept under his signature. I'd refer to it often as a sign of hope that I too could perhaps be helped by this treatment. It was one of many powerful tools that he used to demonstrate that there's hope for all of us.

My own sobriety is in part due to his journey and his sharing it with us. I will always have deep gratitude for Evan and his work.

Much love to all.

[treetops]

RIP LoOp

Very sorry to hear of this sad news. This is an important community and he played a pivotal role in helping spread trail blazing support for us especially those being saved by Baclofen

[Sticky]

RIP LoOp

I am so very sorry to hear this sad news. My heart goes out to you, Renee. Evan was a source of inspiration to me. I lurk but I rarely post here. This is a tragic loss.

Sticky

[Alky]

RIP LoOp

Jesus fucking Christ…

Sometimes I feel like I have a reverse-Midas touch. Bad shit seems to happen to everyone who shows me compassion.

The first and only time I ordered liquid bac from Evan, he was sizing me up over the phone as he had just had a near-miss with law enforcement. I told him that I had been in the emergency room twice this past summer, and once in jail. I just remember him matter-of-factly saying, "so you're going to die if you don't get this," then proceeded to tell me his own story.

Evan once made a pronouncement that at the time I thought a bit harsh, when he said "doctors are tools." In hindsight, I agree with him. Only one doctor out of the many I went to see took baclofen seriously. And he wouldn't take me on as a patient since I was not a year-round resident of the area. The attending physician of the last resident I went to see at my family practice clinic basically ordered me to stop taking baclofen. The medical establishment sucks and with the dual losses of both Evan and Dr. Levin, I am extremely fearful of my own future. I have a psychiatric appointment on January 13. I was supposed to call Evan, since had an armload of scientific literature to recommend that I take with me to that appointment. That conversation will now never happen, even though with his loss, the urgency of converting my psychiatrist will never be greater.

Thank you Evan. It's no exaggeration to say that you saved my life.

[rangiatea]

RIP LoOp

So sadSo sorry for your loss.I have never met him-online or elsewhere.Another very sad day for all MWO members.So upsetting.

[Alky]

RIP LoOp

My first phone conversation with Evan to order liquid bac took place on a Saturday afternoon. I'll never forget how he made a special effort to rush to the post office so that I would get my shipment a couple of days earlier. He was a real mensch.

[Samandkatharine]

RIP LoOp

Alky;1601930 wrote: Jesus fucking Christ?

Sometimes I feel like I have a reverse-Midas touch. Bad shit seems to happen to everyone who shows me compassion.

The first and only time I ordered liquid bac from Evan, he was sizing me up over the phone as he had just had a near-miss with law enforcement. I told him that I had been in the emergency room twice this past summer, and once in jail. I just remember him matter-of-factly saying, "so you're going to die if you don't get this," then proceeded to tell me his own story.

Evan once made a pronouncement that at the time I thought a bit harsh, when he said "doctors are tools." In hindsight, I agree with him. Only one doctor out of the many I went to see took baclofen seriously. And he wouldn't take me on as a patient since I was not a year-round resident of the area. The attending physician of the last resident I went to see at my family practice clinic basically ordered me to stop taking baclofen. The medical establishment sucks and with the dual losses of both Evan and Dr. Levin, I am extremely fearful of my own future. I have a psychiatric appointment on January 13. I was supposed to call Evan, since had an armload of scientific literature to recommend that I take with me to that appointment. That conversation will now never happen, even though with his loss, the urgency of converting my psychiatrist will never be greater.

Thank you Evan. It's no exaggeration to say that you saved my life.

I had the same conversation with him too Alkie. Good luck to to you. Evan was a lifeline of sorts, at least he was for me.

[Poink]

RIP LoOp

I've never had any personal correspondence with Evan, but I have been following him around for years. I started with TSM and then added bac to it. I had an event about a year ago that required brain surgery and I let the shrinks talk me out of HDB and into a combo of campral/topo. I kept taking the bac at about 50mg/day as well. I started drinking again about 6 months after the surgery even on all those meds. Never could moderate, but it was pretty easy to string decent periods of AF time. I really think my reaction to the SE's of the HDB contributed to my injury, and have been thinking one day the liquid bac would be the answer. Now...

Shit. Didn't mean to make this a whinefest about me. I was trying to indicate that there are hundreds and maybe thousands of people who admired and were inspired by Evan but who have never spoken to him. I'm a grown man with children older than him, but I have been devastated by this news. I have cried on and off all day about a person who didn't know that I existed.

I started this post several times with profanities, and then deleted the whole post because it just didn't feel right somehow. But I'm sorry. I saw the thread title and couldn't move. The same three words kept coming up over and over as I read, hoping it was one of those goddamn trolls that keep popping up. This just makes me sick.

God fucking damn.

John

[Samandkatharine]

RIP LoOp

Is_there_any_hope ?;1601977 wrote: (Slow down mensch, would ya...Christmas around the corner)!

I hope you get coal in your stocking. I usually don't respond to &@#???s like you but you hit a nerve.