Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

[Serenity]

Hi

Listen I'm not trying to blame anyone (am i?) but I find it really hard when my husband says he is going out for a drink not to have a drink.

I have asked him to stop/cut down with me but he has no interest - this is not helping me in the slightest.

He doesn't want to stop and when I am weak - I usually succumb - I need to leave- don't I ?

Any advice !!

Love S

[Kitty]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

Hi Serenity,

I wouldn't say my partner is an alcohlic but he drinks every night (usually at least a bottle of wine, tonight a bottle of wine and a can of beer) and it is very difficult for me as I feel hard done by because I can't drink.

Drink does not affect him like it does me, his personality does not change at all when he drinks (he doesn't even get tipsy) where as I can't stop when I start and always end up in a terrible mess.

I know it would be unfair of me to ask him to stop as It is my problem, but it is a terrible dillema. Most people who do not have a problem drink quite often especially with dinner so I think it is always going to be hard for me.

I totally sympathise with your situation, I don't really know what the answer is to this.

Kitty

[Accountable for Me]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

I, too, am married to an alcoholic. Touche!

He has cut down DRASTICALLY to maybe 4 drinks on the weekend. We both were total 'bender-people'. He supports me in my decision not to drink now, and I will support him to drink in moderation ONLY! LOL!

It is hard to be with someone who drinks regularly when you decided you have a problem and want to stop. My husband and I split because of this actually. My goals were way different than his. When I wanted to stop he was my biggest enabler and coaxed me into the life of continuous alcohol consumption. We were split for 6 months. In this time I have completely sobered up (AF for over 4 months) and he has sobered up with only a few on the weekend.

I really don't know what to say about your situation. I completely sympathize with you. It is so hard especially when we are completely vulnerable (and succumb) and feel unsupported.

[hart]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

((((Serenity))))

I totally agree with you. I wanted to stop drinking a long time ago, then Joe would bring home beer for us both and....... Then I asked him to come to a counseling session so I could confront him about it, he agreed, then stayed home from work and drank that day FINALLY, I got him to see the doc, who ran him thru some tests (he's been having physical problems) and gave him Camprol. And we both began taking it today. But I trust him less than I do myself, and if he can't stop drinking....:bonkers:.....I hear you hon

[MonaCat]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

It makes it twice as hard,no 100 times as hard to quit, when your partner still indulges.

[happycamper68]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

My husband is in the wine business, but he is abstaining at home while I am trying very hard to be AF. There are nights though when I smell booze on his breath because they drink at work. Makes me pissed and don't want him in same bed stinking like that.

I can also call him at his wine store and ask him to bring me home something- the most he'll try to stop me is "are you sure"? I say yes and it's off to the races. He does not want me to be abs. He likes what I am doing right now, drinking every few days, he said he feels better physically too, much better than drinking every day which we were doing. He never mocks my abs or slips. He never gives me a hard time about any of it really. But if asked him to never drink again I doubt our marriage would last. We also have an autistic daughter and I just heard that 85% of marriages with autistic kids fail, so add this on top of it and I should probably pack my bags right now.

I really don't know what is in store for us, right now I am just gonna worry about myself. The combo of Campral and Naltrexone makes me quite drowsy, I am also on lexapro, I could sleep all f-ing day. His hours at work are long so a lot of times I am already asleep when he gets home (this is a new job for him we used to start drinking together at around 6:30 pm every night). I hated his hours at first but they are probably better for my boozing.
If I had to guess I would bet he had a problem too, but I need more AF days to really get some clarity and see how much it really bugs him not to drink at home, if i can do it myself!!! :h

And to all of you, especially Serenity, I have no idea what the answer is either. All our hubbies are different.

[ScoobyDoo]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

My fiance is not an alcoholic which is probably the big difference here but and still indulges and it doesn't bother me. I switch off and make myself realise that I am the one with the problem and not him. I'm not sure if that helped, but just a different perspective.

Scoob

[trixietrack]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

Serenity;133985 wrote: Hi

Listen I'm not trying to blame anyone (am i?) but I find it really hard when my husband says he is going out for a drink not to have a drink.

I have asked him to stop/cut down with me but he has no interest - this is not helping me in the slightest.

He doesn't want to stop and when I am weak - I usually succumb - I need to leave- don't I ?

Any advice !!

Love S

does he just go out for some drinks and come back a bit tipsy once in a while? or is he coming back every night roaring drunk and neglecting you and yours and making you miserable?
i

[goingsobermum]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

Hi S,
I really don't think leaving will solve anything for you, should all the partners of the people on here leave because their other half drank? You are stopping because you feel a need too, he doesn't yet. How would you have felt if he had stopped whilst you still wanted to drink? I know that in the past when my other half decided to cut down it was awfull for me having no one to drink with. The worst was when my neighbour and he decided to stop white wine at lunchtime for a while and I wanted one but couldn't justify it on my own. It also makes it harder for me to say no now that they are still drinking and I'm trying not too but I wouldn't try to stop them.
It would be easier for you if your husband could support you more, perhaps he will when he sees all the changes for the better that will come about by not drinking. Don't blame him for your choice to stop drinking. What are you doing to help yourself? Are you using the sups and CDs? How about sups for your husband? Tell him he doesn't have to stop drinking but they will help him feel less jaded by the drink, he might cut down abit.
For now work on yourself and keep coming back here for support, have you thought about topa?
Lots of Love
Suz

[dilayne]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

Hi S,
My husband and I have a co-dependent type relationship when it comes to alcohol...I would probably be considered the alcoholic, but when we drink together, he drinks like one, and definitely has an addictive nature. We've had counseling which has helped us to see that we have to deal with the alcohol as a relational thing...that as husband and wife, the problem is both of ours, whether it is 'my' problem or 'his'...I've had a hard time embracing that and really 'getting' that I have a right to expect my husband's support..whatever that means. Sometimes he gets it completely and other times, he resist it because it feels like a power play, he doesn't like being told what to do..when he can clear that up, he stops with me...Perhaps you can ask him to consider talking about the marriage in general, what it means to support eachother in sickness and in health...try to put the shoe on the other foot and consider what it would like if he was asking you to do the same thing. In our case, (we've been going through a few cycles of this behavior) we've had to stop completely because neither one of us was strong enough to hold the boundaries..I couldn't depend on him to be strong when I was weak because he liked to drink too, and liked how I was (easy :0) when we drank..so it was hard for him to see how selfish he was..to choose his pleasure seeking drive over my health and well being..when he sees that I actually suffer from the alcohol and that he could help, he is willing to help. This last cylce, I went back on the topa and told him that I had to take it (us both knowing that I don't feel well on it and that is not fun) as long as I felt I was alone in the struggle. We had a couple of conversations and he came to the conclusion that he could help me tremendously by being strong, and since he is convinced he doesn't have a problem, that there was no reason why he should choose to drink if it was making life harder for me. If he is an alcoholic, then some very loving and patient conversations may need to be made over time for him to be able to hear you. Perhaps you can invision a life without drinking (time, money, good health) and help him see that a choice to moderate or abstain would result in big wins for him...when nothing works, appeal to his ego! :0) Good Luck!
Namaste, Di

[Guest]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

S, my husband got full blown out drunk a few weeks ago, I couldn't stand being around him. He rarely drinks. I do not mind if he has a few drinks at home. I think of all the horrible days I put him through. I can never make that up to him, with that being said if he persistently got drunk I think I would have to leave, I just couldn't stand the drunken behaviour. Very hypocritical of me I know. I agree with camper all husbands are different. But we know our breaking point as well.
All the best
Mar

[mombytheocean]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

HI S,

My husband is also and alcoholic. I am day 13 AF and he is supportive. He dirinks all day and night and thinks that keeping his vodka in the garage is helping me not to drink. The funny thing is, I was never a vodka drinker--wine is(was) my drink of choice. I think he probably keeps it out there so I don't know how much he reallly drinks--although I do. Of the two of us I was the one that drank less- still too much- but still needed to do something about it

I think the thing is you really have to want to do this for yourself. I would still love to have a glass of wine, but know that my two beautiful daughters deserve more than two parents with drinking problems. I have informed my husband about my dr. appts. and the meds I am taking. I also let him know that I spoke with the dr. about him and the suggestions the dr. gave for him to cut down in order to start Campral. Now the decision is in his hands.

My next step is to have a heart to heart with him and tell him how much he is loved by me and our daughters and that I would love for him to be well. That is about all I can do.

So I guess what I am trying to say, is to try and do it for yourself--you never know, your husband may follow.

I really feel for you because I know exactly what you are going through. Feel free to pm whenever you would like.

All my best. K

[imatree]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

My partner (boyfriend, we live together) is a heavier drinker than I am - and that's saying a lot. I used to get so angry with him for drinking so much, for not being able to slow down when I did. Then in the past month or so, I've realized that my drinking is as much or more about physiology than self-control - I come from a long line of alcoholics. First that allowed me to have compassion for myself, then I was able to extend that compassion toward him. We both have a disease. Would I leave a man for having diabetes or cancer? No.

But still, I know we both have to change. I am certain that if I am strong enough to make changes he will be inspired to do so. It will take a lot of strength for me to get really going, since there is ALWAYS beer or wine, sometimes liquor, in the house. Another thing I have let go of is blaming him for my inability to quit. Yes, it makes it harder to abstain, but still it is up to me.

So these realizations have taken a lot of weight off our relationship. I got kudzu in the mail the other day and he took some two days in a row. He wants to quit, and I'm sure once I"m truly on the wagon he won't be far behind. (I hope that's not wishful thinking.) One thing I know for sure... I will not marry him until we both have this beast beaten.

[southernbelle47]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

I really don't "like" my hubby when he is drinking. He finds fault in everything I do. He will make sarcastic remarks and puts me down.... not outright but hints at it... I know this is probably him trying to feel better about himself but it still hurts.
Even if I have a few with him, he is watching me and goes around looking for something I've done wrong....(got me out of the shower to ask if I left the stove on, water running or something else)whats up with that?
I have to control myself for myself....and not think about what he is doing...That's hard isn't it?
We have been married for over forty years.....He has always had beer every day. It just became a "problem" for me in the last year or so.
We'll keep working on it.....

Love you all.
Nancy

[Serenity]

Is anyone married to an alcoholic?

Wow wish I'd checked my thread sooner - thanks for all the great responses - have really helped
Trixietrack - I get what your're saying - but he doesn't do tipsy - he does the verbal put downs - always on the verge of an argument - but I change subject, divert him - go upstairs - ignore him till he falls asleep on the sofa but sometimes I just don't have the energy - after all I already have 2 children (3 and 4 to care for)

Mombythe ocean - thanks for your reply - I really relate and will PM when get chance.

Simeybear - you have such depth of soul - my surrogate mum - hope you don't mind - as always you bite the bullet and say it how it is - I guess I know what I need to do - If he ain't drunk he's grouchy and irritable recovering from a hangover.

Tonight he is out on the lash and has just rang to say he is not coming home (staying at mums) and then he says he doesn't feel any love from me???!!! eh what?

Love S