JMum's Progress Journal

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi Jazz -Sounds like you know you might have a few areas of importance to address -outside the alcohol arena? However, I was always encouraged to take small steps, not make rash decisions or statements, and most importantly to take care of my health first and foremost. Just a thought.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi spiritwolf. Thanks so much for your caring words. It's truly wonderful to know there are people like you, here on the Forum, who care about others, and want to give suggestions. Thanks.

I'm going to post some new thoughts that I've discovered. They aren't new really, but new to ME. Someone recommended a book called The Heart of Addiction by Lance M. Dodes MD. I'm sorry I can't remember who recommended it but it's just dynamite!!!

The theory works like this:

We have some kind of psychological trauma in our lives - and of course this is different, and personal for each one. The trauma instills in us a feeling of helplessness over whatever the situation is. The key here is NO CONTROL. Then an inner rage develops. In a healthy, untraumatized ego the response would be to fight back in some way - usually by speaking up, or changing the situation in some way, so that the ego is protected. This would be the attempt to regain 'control' in a healthy way.

But in us, there is something (the damage done psychologically) that stops us from being ABLE to fight back, or make the necessary changes. We cannot gain control.

We reach for something - anything - that gives us some semblance of control - we are DOING SOMETHING that makes us feel we are at least in control of some tool that helps. The good doctor in the book states that this is perfectly reasonable. It makes sense to use something that helps - it's just that alcohol or any other destructive behaviour is obviously the wrong METHOD.

And, of course, alcohol (or drugs, or gambling, or sex, or over-eating etc.) does help. At least in the beginning. It is a way to relax, or whatever...this is intimate and personal for each one.

Of course, many people will say they really like to drink - they like the taste, or the fellowship etc. And all that is perfectly valid. Wine, whiskey, rum, beer etc. are all good in themselves. We we know, though, it's the abuse - the constant reaching for this control of our environment - instead of making the changes - saying NO, or using some healthier tool - that's the problem.

But this problem comes at the END, not at the beginning.

The beginning is that loss of control, the helplessness, then the inner rage that can't be expressed - whatever. That comes FIRST. If we were to really think about this, there is a moment, that can happen in such a flash that we don't recognize it - when we decide to have a drink. And this can be after a long sober time - but the flash says: I'm not liking this: fill in the blank. I can't control what's going on. But I can do something. I will drink.

The therapist who wrote this book has had many years of treating drug abusers (of course alcoholics are drug abusers). He states that he sees this lack of control, and using drugs (or whatever) to regain some control, all the time.

Baclofen has given me, just recently, the ability to take a step back and to see if this theory resonates with me. The last two nights at my drinking hour I've thought about what it is that makes me reach out for the wine. Why do I do it at 5pm? Why do I start thinking about doing this around noon some days? Why does the tension BUILD? What is the tension all about? What's going on that I can't control, but NEED to control?

I've figured out, in a general way, what that lack of control is for me. And I could really see it happening the last two nights. And because I'm using baclofen I'm able to think about pouring a glass of wine. And I have done so. But after a sip, the baclofen is acting in my system and taking away the desire to continue. So I'm FORCED to control my environment in some other way.

I'm thrilled with these new insights. Frankly, this kind of thinking is DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSED TO THE MAINSTREAM THINKING HERE. Those who want to quit drinking without looking at this theory usually 'relapse' Heck, I've relapsed so many times it's not even worth counting.

So my new focus feels liberating in a new way. I have already made some personal, very intimate for me, changes. Nothing terrible - nothing shocking - my dear Husband understands what I want to do. He's puzzled only because my particular lack of control does not resonate with him personally. But I've told him as much as I can about this particular control thing. And he is fine with it. The rest of my personal struggle I'll share with my sister. She has the SAME problem, and of course the same childhood issues so I can pour it all out and she can give me the feedback I can use.

I have a LONG way to go, in that it's one thing to identify this terrible beating the ego has withstood, and to know why you reach out for booze. It's another thing to identify other things you can do instead. It's very, very hard to take back control that was taken away in childhood - or whatever the personal issues are - but it can be done.

This is all my personal opinion, and the theory proposed in the book, as I understand it. But it all clicked into place. There are no triggers to drink. There are only triggers that bring up my feelings of lack of control of my life. Getting back that control in healthy ways instead of using a tool that hurts is the answer.

Whew!!! I'm lovin' this.
JMum

P.S. not finding other ways to stop using the wrong tool, or not knowing about this new way of looking at myself, is the reason naltrexone and topamax did not work for me in the long run. The both worked in the short term but I simply drank over them. Because the drinking was the only thing I had, it was reasonable for me to use it.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Here are highlights from the Caloriegate blog on The Heart of addiction: (NONE of this is MY opinion but I do relate to this COMPLETELY - oh, and I'm NOT pushing this book for any other reason than I think it's the BOMB)


Here are some highlights from the episode: (this was a talk given by Dr. Dodes on Caloriegate)

- The way most people think about addiction is wrong: they think it’s a physical problem; a spiritual or moral weakness; or a neurological problem
- None of these things = true
- Dr. Dodes has been talking to people with addictions for decades, and he’s learned from them and tested his hypotheses
- He’s come up with a new way of understanding addiction
- A case history to illustrate this new paradigm:
Man stuck waiting for his wife became frustrated – spotted a bar and went in
When did you start to feel better? “When I was standing on that corner and I decided to get a drink”
Illustrative of what he’s heard from many people over the years – wasn’t the drink itself when he felt better. Something happened when he made the decision.
His problem was that he was helpless, trapped. When people feel overwhelmingly helpless, it precipitates addictive behvaior. Once he decided to drink, he wasn’t helpless any more.
- Addictive acts are ways of undoing or reversing overwhelming helplessness.
- Addiction is not a “thing in itself” — it’s a symptom. It’s an “unlucky solution” to the problem of helplessness.
- Triggers of helplessness are very personal and not conscious
- “F*ck it: I’m going to have a drink.” What does the “f*ck it” mean? It’s a fury at being helpless.
- Analogy to a cave-in. 300 tons of rock trap you in a cave, you’re going to freak out. That’s a normal reaction.
- The people who get depressed and inert when helpless don’t do well — rage at helplessness is innate and healthy.
- It’s that power that makes addiction so powerful.
- This rage has certain properties which give addiction its properties.
- At the moment of the addictive feeling, nothing else matters. If you break your wrist trying to get out of a cave-in, you’re not being self-destructive — you’re just not paying attention to the consequences.
- Instead of taking a direct action to deal with helplessness, he took an indirect action.
- All addictive acts are displacements. Helps to explain curious clinical features of addiction – e.g. that you can change focus of an addiction.
- Drinking alcohol is most common displacement, but people can switch to other drugs or even to gambling, shopping or eating.
- There is no difference between addictions and compulsions — this should change the way we think about treatment
- We know how to treat compulsions! Figure out why they occur, when they occur, etc.
Addictions can be treated by a psychologically sophisticated therapy. Conversely, 12 step models don’t work well.
- Giant modern myth about addiction – that it’s a chronic brain disease. Comes out of National Institute of Drug Abuse.
- Physical addiction is VERY different from addiction. Very clear and simple phenomenon.
- If you take enough of a drug in high enough dose, you become tolerant. To get same effect, you need to increase dose.
- Pull the drug away, you go into withdrawal — in opposite direction of the drug.
- Not important because anybody can become physically addicted.
- Treat easily – by detoxifying them.
- You can’t turn someone into an alcoholic by physically addicting them
Vietnam veterans study – dramatic example. In 1960s, heroin epidemic in our country. After detoxing, huge recividism rate.
Soliders in Vietnam also got addicted to heroin (high quality stuff).
When soldiers got back, they detoxed, and over 90% never used heroin again — the opposite of what happened with the stateside addicts.
The difference was in their psychology. Solidiers used it because of stress of war. When they got home, they didn’t need it and so didn’t use it.
- What’s the retort? There is no response from the conventional thinkers. It’s unchallengable.
Millions of people stopped smoking in the 1980s, once the Surgeon General’s anti-smoking campaign started up. Similar to what happened with the vets.
Scientists addicted rats to heroin and conditioned them, a la Pavlov’s dogs, with cues.
Rats releasing dopamine – the gas of the pleasure pathway. We see response from cue. Brain will create more dopamine – upregulate. The CW: “Now we know why people can’t stop taking drugs. Their brains have been chronically changed.”
Why this is wrong: if that was true, the Vietnam study wouldn’t have turned out like that, since the vets’ brains would have changed.
- Also: people aren’t like that at all! People wait hours to drive to the casino. They’re not hyped up on dopamine.
- Chronic brain disease idea is a mistake — even though rats and humans are similar, rats operate a simple system, so paradigm doesn’t really apply.
- Also, doesn’t explain non-drug compulsions — no dopamine released when you arrange things parallel on your desk.
- 5% success rate of AA because it’s approaching the problem without understanding it.
- The idea that there’s a simple neurological basis of addcition misses a key point — assumes that if we only knew enough about the human brain, we could dispense with psychology.
- That idea is false because of complexity theory – at increaisng levels of complexity, new phenonmena occur which are not present at the level of the simpler elements.
- No matter how much we study water molecules, we cannot predict what happens when we get trillions of them together.
- Likewise we cannot predict psychology from biology.
- How these theories apply to food and carbohydrate addiction
- Carb/food addiction has parallels with cigarette addiction
- Conventional treatment centers are dependent on the standard addiction paradigm to be true.
- You’re running into the headwind of what everyone believes or wants to believe, so it can be hard to get a fair hearing.
-Could changing our paradigm about addiction save our society billions of dollars and save lives?

Hope this helps to explain this theory. My long post above was kinda rambling!!
JMum

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Tonight I poured a glass of wine and did take two sips, then let it sit. I'm doing this because I don't want to be afraid of alcohol - I want to be around it, but not want it. Wine, and lots of other booze, is all over the place here in my home. Dear Husband loves to drink - he really, really loves to drink. He rarely has too much - but as he sees no problem with what he does he's not going to stop any time soon.

So my reality is booze will always be visible in my kitchen - right in my face. So baclofen is the perfect answer for me - and moderation is the way to go. But for me that means I'll not drink much if ever unless there is a social reason. I'm going to be 'there' soon.

As for baclofen side effects - well, I went up to 80mg daily a few days ago and had sort of a headachy feeling but that went away very quickly. I woke up with again sort of a headachy feeling two mornings but not after that. I'm not sleeping as well as I was at 60mg daily. Waking up earlier but I still feel nice and dopey so that's ok.

I feel more woozie and sleepy at 80mg as opposed to 60mg but if I keep moving that stops. Today I sat in the living room and was going to read - hahahaha! I woke up about 25 minutes later - weird. But once I jumped up and started doing stuff I was fine.

So all is well.
JMum

[Samandkatharine]

JMum's Progress Journal

Jazie, your husband sounds like a lovely man. You are kind not to be making this his burden by telling him he can't drink either. My husband enjoys wine, but it's more of a social thing for him. I would not tell him not to drink either.

Keep posting!

Sam

[StuckinLA]

JMum's Progress Journal

Jazi's Mum;1613154 wrote: I'm able to feel the feelings and not drink them away.

"Don't worry about getting in touch with your feelings. They'll get in touch with you." ~David Foster Wallace, _Infinite Jest_

[skullbabyland]

JMum's Progress Journal

Sounds like things are progressing nicely for you, JM, glad to hear it Learning what to do, and how to do it, to replace our drinking behavior with something healthy is really really hard and for me I suspect it'll be a long process, but I'm on the path at least.

I've been struck many times recently by a realization... when I think back to old memories of times past, even the fun "glory days" ones... SO often, almost 100% of the time, I enjoyed those times because I was getting drunk. I'd always assumed the drinking was a supplement to the fun times, but it wasn't- the drinking was the goal, and the friends/events or whatever were the side players. They could almost NOT be there and as long as I was getting hammered, my primary goal was met. That cherished New Year's Eve memory, drinking at the Morroccan restaurant with family and friends and belly dancers? It was fun because I was getting hammered- the rest was secondary.

It feels freeing to make this realization. I feel like I've seen and acknowledged a truth that I was hiding from myself for years.

Anyway, that's sort of a random/rambly point, so I digress.

Have a great weekend, JM

[StuckinLA]

JMum's Progress Journal

Yeah, but if you're going to be getting hammered anyway, it *would* be nice to have belly dancers around.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Doing lots of thinking.

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi Jazi -I was once told "try and stop overthinking everything". Lol. I am very capable of complicating most anything. If you get a chance watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=66cYcSak6nE[/video]]The Power of Addiction and The Addiction of Power: Gabor Maté at TEDxRio+20 - YouTube

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

thank you so much, spiritwolf for that link. Mate says exactly what I've been trying to say for the past few days. It's not the booze, it's the control.
JMum

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

I've been off for a few days because I got fed up with all the AA folks but that's really silly of me. This is the meds section, this is my progress thread, and no one has to read here who's not interested. And I don't have to read posts of those who are not on the same page as I am.

That said, I will continue to express myself here, and report on my baclofen journey.

Here's what I have found from The Heart of Addiction, and it's going to be my focus for the next little while.

Title is: Don't Suppress Addictive Thoughts

Knowledge is better than ignorance.

Published on January 23, 2012 (in Dr. Dodes blog)

Recently, a man suffering with alcoholism told me how he approached his problem: when he had thoughts of drinking, he tried to push them out of his mind. This didn't always work of course, and even when it did he regularly drank later. But he was still pleased that he was "putting up a good fight" against his enemy - his terrible drive to drink. He asked me if I agreed with his plan, and whether I thought that his intermittent success was a sign that he was making progress. I was sorry to say I did not. Pushing away thoughts of performing addictive actions is, in fact, a terrible idea. His technique was not just doomed to failure but actually interfered with ever mastering his addiction.

Addictive thoughts are never random, so the moments when they occur provide critical opportunities to learn what drives an addiction. Whatever event, circumstance, interaction, thoughts or feelings that occurred just before the appearance of addictive thoughts will be a clue to the issues for which addiction is a solution. To distract oneself at just that moment is the last thing to do if you hope to gain control of addictive behavior.

Naturally, paying attention to any single episode of thinking about drinking or another addictive act may not be sufficient to see the underlying theme behind all one's addictive acts. But the more occasions spent focusing on the precipitating circumstances behind that first instant of addictive thought, the easier it becomes to solve the mystery.

Focusing on these key moments when addictive thoughts first arise also has an immediate value. Even if the precipitating factors are unclear, just thinking about them at these times creates a helpful separation from the helpless feelings that always precede and precipitate addictive thoughts. After all, to think about oneself is to stand beyond one's inner world and observe it, not be immersed in it. Self-observation is an antidote to feeling helplessly trapped.

Suppressing addictive thoughts is also part of another problem. The man I'm describing tried to squelch his addictive thoughts because he viewed his addiction as an enemy to be stamped out. But seeing addiction as his enemy kept him from seeing it as a part of himself: an attempt to resolve intolerably helplessness feelings by taking an action that would restore an immediate sense of power. Instead of thinking of his drinking, or even his thoughts of drinking, as the enemy, he would have been much better off seeing his addiction as a symptom with an understandable emotional purpose and drive. Instead of looking away from his problem, he could have looked toward it and learned about it.

Working to suppress thoughts involves yet another mistaken notion: the false and destructive idea that addiction can be mastered through willpower. The idea that people can control addictions just by trying hard is a longstanding myth that has led to denigration of people with addictions as "weak" or lacking in "character." Of course, people with addictions have as much willpower as anyone else. Like every other psychological symptom, addiction arises from internal, at least partially unconscious, emotional issues and is an attempt to deal with them. Emotional symptoms (which we all have to one degree or another) are not treatable simply through conscious effort. People with addictions can no more stop their symptomatic behavior through willpower than can people with depression, anxiety or phobias. And beyond the unwarranted criticism directed at people with addictions, those who themselves believe that their addiction can be "defeated" by force of will (for example, suppressing addictive thoughts) are setting themselves up to feel worse about themselves when willpower inevitably fails.

It does take work to deal with addiction, but not the work of pushing away thoughts. It is the work of observing one's complex feelings, motivations and conflicts, especially at the time of first thinking of performing an addictive act. Self-observation is not easy for anyone, and is especially hard if thoughts are quickly followed by strong urges to act. But this is where learning about the underlying issues precipitating addiction pays dividends down the road. Once you have identified the specific emotional factors leading to feeling overwhelmingly helpless - and then to addictive thoughts - it becomes possible to predict in advance when these thoughts will arise. That allows time to find ways to deal with these emotional precipitants before feeling flooded by them, not by crushing your own thoughts, but by understanding them.

I have known for years the cause of my addiction. I have deep scars from my childhood. I have also known that reaching for alcohol is the WRONG TOOL to solve the problem. However, I know that unless I can get back far enough into my emotional past, and not just to how I was feeling JUST before I took the drink, I will never solve this addiction.

The thoughts just before I take a drink are only a flash of insight. But way deeper is the core of this emotional storm. I am starting to dig deeper and it's becoming painful. And it's making me want to drink. In fact the past few nights - Friday, Saturday and Sunday - I have not wanted wine, but have drunk it.

This is because the deep emotional difficulties from childhood well up. I have transferred these deep feelings onto the current situation I'm in (in the AA world these would be called 'triggers') But trying to solve my current situation is NOT the problem - yes, this situation has to be looked at, but it's not where I must START. I've got to think about, and act, on the childhood stuff. Once I can identify those feelings, that I felt then and have suppressed, I can stop recognize the so-called triggers happening now as the problem.

How painful this process is, is evident in my reaching out for an emotional soother for my CURRENT situation, instead of recognizing the CHILDHOOD trauma that is the REAL trigger.

It's not as plain as it seems. So ok, I've identified the horrible childhood I had - which seemed ok on the surface - and I can relate this to what I do now. But as described in The Heart of Addiction, that's just the beginning.

The HUGE benefit of baclofen is that my anxiety and tension have lessened enough to enable me to re-live my childhood trauma without immediately stuffing it all down.

More tomorrow.
JMum

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi JMum -I think it is really good that you are working on some issues. However, take it easy on yourself. And it almost sounds to me like you are over thinking a lot of things right now. I only say this because this is the same thing that I do. For the most part, alcoholics drink because they don't like the way they are feeling or thinking about themselves. The alcohol changes that -right? From what I have read, you are on the perfect path for re-designing your life -without alcohol. You will find very few alcoholics that had a great childhood - but did have a lot of trauma. But what we all have is today - a day to start writing our own new book. (Or at least that is what I keep telling myself)

Keep up the posts.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi spiritwolf, thanks for your kind comments. I don't think what I'm doing is over-thinking, though. That's been the problem for me all along.

I was never really able to do the deep thinking required to stop the 'drive' that pushed me to drink.

For example, tonight after a day of 'thinking' about where this drive comes from (and talking to my sister about our childhood) I was able to realize that I have been projecting my parents abuse of me onto my husband. I have been 'rebelling' against his 'control' of me when I was really feeling all the stuff from my past.

And after I was able to tell him I wanted to do something different at dinner (from what we do because HE wants to) I felt really good - AND I WAS EFFORTLESSLY AF.

But of course what the AA folks here will never 'get' is that I can only do this because I take a drug - baclofen - which relieves my anxiety.

I do appreciate your thoughts. You're a pal.
JMum

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

This long, and very personal, but it's therapy for me to get it down.

Today as I was saying my morning prayers I had a very interesting thought - alcohol is not the enemy. I was thinking about The Wedding at Cana Bible reading at Mass this past Sunday.

In my childhood I was always taught that fun things, alcohol, sex, spending money on yourself, eating really wonderful things just because they taste good and on and on....were BAD. I also internalized that I was not pretty, not loveable, not good just because I was a loved daughter and a child of God.

And of course, there are circumstances where the use of these things can be bad. But they are NOT bad in themselves. It's taken me 50 years to really internalize this.

It's one thing to 'know' this, but it's another, deeper thing to really get it into daily experience.

What I have been realizing about all my ideas is that they come from my parents - where else would they come from, really? School is always a big influence and I went to a very strict girls school where we were also taught that 'life' was dangerous and mostly bad.

THIS IS NOT BECAUSE I WAS RAISED AS A ROMAN CATHOLIC. And that's not a subject for discussion here. There are lots of people raised by atheists who are taught erroneous ideas at home and at school which effect their lives for better or worse.

It is, however, a mind-set. Both my mother and father were terribly unhappy in their marriage. They both had personality problems as well. So my upbringing was really sad, for me and my brother and sister, and has coloured my whole adult life.

I got married to get away from home. I married a man (a good man) who was totally wrong for me. I started to drink about 3 years into this marriage, but not heavily at all - talk about drinking to escape a trap!! I had problems with alcohol as a teenager (binging) and young adult, but stopped when I went to college, and when I got married I was not abusing alcohol. Significantly I moved with my husband to the US - about 2,000 miles away from home.

After my divorce after 8 years of marriage I had a terrible downward spiral into alcohol and weed for about 10 years. I engaged in terrible relationships in my desperate attempt to find the love I never got at home.

A very significant thing happened in the mid-80's. I was living near my parents again because I was alone with 2 little kids and needed the support - OBVIOUSLY A DISASTROUS MOVE!!

I started really drinking very heavy during this time. Anyway one day I was so depressed and strung out I walked the streets for hours crying like a baby. I decided I could not live like this anymore. I found a number for ADAC (Canadian alcohol/drug agency) and I went to see a nurse practitioner.

What an angel she was!! I cried the whole time!! I had blood tests and a liver ultrasound. Thank God I had no damage so far. I talked to this wonderful lady for a long time and lots about my relationship with my mother came out.

The turning point was that she actually said: "why don't you move away?"

I stared at her like she was a Martian. I remember saying: "you mean I can leave my mother?" It's important to know that I was on unemployment then, and had almost no money.

Two weeks later I packed up my son who was with me at that time, and we did a mid-night flit. I drove through terrible fog and rain, at midnight, about 100 miles, to get to a ferry which I had never crossed on in my life - this was terrifying for me - but I felt brave and confident - I WAS GETTING AWAY FROM MY MOTHER (AND FATHER). I had to drive about 800 miles, without any assistance with a very grumpy 15 year old, but by heaven I did it! (edit: I was moving in with my sister in another city)

Not un-coincidentaly my mother got the flu just when I was planning to leave. I had told them I was moving - they were NOT happy! My father was going to give me $1,000 to help with the move. But the day I was going to leave he told me that unless I postponed my departure to take care of my mother he would NOT give me the money!!!

Hence the mid-night flit - without the $$$. I decided I would die, or kill myself, if I had to stay even a few more days in that toxic place. I was having suicidal thoughts a lot then.

I was able to stay sober for years after this liberation. I hardly spoke to my mother - maybe every few months when she would call, but I only called her when my guilt for escaping got the better of me. I had by then moved even farther away - like 2,500 miles!!

Whew this is a long story. I was not fixed by any means. I drank again years later when I had to 'please' another man..but that's for another day.

With baclofen I'm able to sit and think about these things in a helpful way. Not just moan and groan about the past - but know that what I call 'triggers' and think is connected to my present marriage - have nothing to do with my reaching out for alcohol.

The TRUE triggers are from my past. Once I can internalize this (like I did last night) I will no longer reach out for the handiest drug - alcohol.

This is true liberation. As I've said before this is just the beginning. The old drive for love and acceptance will come back very strongly. I have to recognize these feelings when they come back and not let them drive me again. I can't afford therapy so I will have to use my brain on my own!!
JMum