JMum's Progress Journal

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

I was just reading some posts over on the "Posting while Drunk" thread and found this put up by Spiritwolf:

""Are you highly sensitive? You can find out by taking the self-test. This test, the result of empirical research on the trait, gives you a good sense of what high sensitivity is, as well.

If you find you are highly sensitive, or your child is, you need to begin by knowing the following:

•Your trait is normal. It is found in 15 to 20% of the population--too many to be a disorder, but not enough to be well understood by the majority of those around you.

•It is innate. In fact, biologists have found it to be in most or all animals, from fruit flies and fish to dogs, cats, horses, and primates. This trait reflects a certain type of survival strategy, being observant before acting. The brains of highly sensitive persons (HSPs) actually work a little differently than others'. (edit: see Gabor Mate on this)

•You are more aware than others of subtleties. This is mainly because your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. So even if you wear glasses, for example, you see more than others by noticing more.

•You are also more easily overwhelmed. If you notice everything, you are naturally going to be overstimulated when things are too intense, complex, chaotic, or novel for a long time.

•This trait is not a new discovery, but it has been misunderstood. Because HSPs prefer to look before entering new situations, they are often called "shy." But shyness is learned, not innate. In fact, 30% of HSPs are extraverts, although the trait is often mislabeled as introversion. It has also been called inhibitedness, fearfulness, or neuroticism. Some HSPs behave in these ways, but it is not innate to do so and not the basic trait.

•Sensitivity is valued differently in different cultures. In cultures where it is not valued, HSPs tend to have low self-esteem. They are told "don't be so sensitive" so that they feel normal."

(bold is my edit)

These traits of Highly Sensitive Persons, I think, also reflect what those who are ADD exhibit. And the traits for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families also exhibit these specific traits too.

When I have no control over what my life is like - or feel that I have no control over my life - I have to maintain control of EVERYTHING. I feel overwhelmed by my own helplessness so I've got to set things up so bad things don't happen....typical ADD, and ACOA behaviour. It's called Highly Sensitive in Spiritwolf's post.

Once I recognized these traits in myself I felt able to make some changes. It's working!!

[skullbabyland]

JMum's Progress Journal

I, too, relate to alot of this in Spirit's post about HSP. I've suspected for a while that I'm one of them and it gives me some peace to be able to put a name to it and understand it, because it used to frustrate me very much. It's nice to be able to accept that part of myself. So Spirit, if you're reading this, thanks for the post You too, JMum.

[Xadrian]

JMum's Progress Journal

I'm also HSP

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

thanks for stopping by, you two. It seems very quiet these days and I sometimes think I'll stop posting. But I do it for myself as therapy and it doesn't really matter who reads/comments does it?

[DipGal]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi JM.. I had a few minutes and thought I'd check in on you. Your journey is so impressive! You REALLY are getting to know yourself and what makes you tick. :goodjob:

I'm only taking nal, and have been on a full dose for less than 2 weeks, but already am seeing subtle changes in my behavior. It is kind of cool, and there is hope.

I can't wait to spend some time on all of the publications you mentioned. With the little work I have done I am getting to know myself a bit better.. I can only imagine of where I may be a year from now. Thanks to a little help from my forum friends!!

Keep up the great work!

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Odd night last night. Poured two and drank both. Not a great experience but habit I think (edit: I did not enjoy the feeling, not buzzed just red-faced and I wished I had not finished the alcohol). I've been thinking about drinking for so long it's instinctive. I think I will increase my bac dose again.

One thing I've noticed is the bac side effects come and go. Most days I have the spacy, relaxed feeling but some days I have the muscle weakness/odd feeling, and some days I wake up with numbness in my feet. Just over the past few days I've felt an odd feeling in my legs.

So at 80 for ages, I think the side effects are still coming and going. I have been very depressed lately too but I know that's situational as I'm having problems with my past coming up to bite me...but this too will pass.

I've also notice a flatness in mood, and lethargy too - hard to get motivated. This could be the horrible winter, or the bac?

Onwards and upwards.

[DipGal]

JMum's Progress Journal

Ya know, JM... I think it's hard to pinpoint exactly what contributes to various symptoms or physical issues. In order to experiment on ourselves to see what is working or isn't, or what is aggravating a condition or isn't, we need to figure out how to test one thing at a time. In things such as diet it can be done. In mood, there are so many things in play. For you, dredging up old stuff to heal, a variety of meds, the freakin' weather and SAD, personal problems which change daily (and which we all have in one way or another) all vary. It's a very hard thing to experiment with!

As far as legs, I am sure you researched this.. Is it simply a feeling, or could it be a dangerous side effect?

Sending you positive vibes and hugs!!

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi DipGal, thanks for stopping by. :h

The consensus seems to be fix one thing at a time, but for me, it's all related - so intertwined with control issues that it makes more sense to hit all the issues at once.

I know myself much better now. I have successfully used baclofen, and naltrexone, to take the pleasure out of drinking - cravings per se have faded. In fact I no longer want to drink at all. I'm at the point where I really hate the feeling of alcohol in my poor ole bod.

BUT as I still have the need to numb-out some psychological stuff I still feel compelled to pour. Lance Dodes has it right. Whatever substance/activity we reach out for is a simple displacement. When we feel out of control of our lives and helpless to change the situation, we reach out for what we need.

Anyway, I get the feeling I'm not explaining myself well and that others may not understand what I mean. That's ok! This is not coming out of my head, but out of the research done by Dodes, and Mate, and others. Something clicked in my head when I read/listened to their stuff.

The work continues! I'm using Fitday to track % and calories. I think I'll make the switch to ketones as fuel over the next month. I really want to shift about 9 lbs or so by end of April. It also gives me a focus!

As well, it gives me some control over what I eat - this sounds so foolish, perhaps, to others. Of course I have control over what I eat!! Well, actually, I don't. I hear my mother's voice, my sister's voice, my Husband's voice....instead of my own voice. And I feel that helplessness in the face of opposition - so instead of reaching for my traditional numb-er I can regain my personal choice and if all goes well I will feel more in control of my environment.

I've upped my bac dose from 80 to 100 per day. I'll sit here for a while and probably not go higher. I want to really nail this indifference that I've been feeling. Then after some months here I'll go down to a maintenance dose - which I hope will be 40 or so. Bac is not easy to get, and it does cost quite a bit!!

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

[QUOTE=Jazi's Mum;1627783]

BUT as I still have the need to numb-out some psychological stuff I still feel compelled to pour. Lance Dodes has it right. Whatever substance/activity we reach out for is a simple displacement. When we feel out of control of our lives and helpless to change the situation, we reach out for what we need.

QUOTE]

Good point Jazzi -maybe this why some say that alcoholism is only a symptom of another underlying disease.

[Samandkatharine]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi Jazi,

I am in CA, where our winter has eluded us. Baclofen has made me very apathetic, which to me is worse than the daytime sleepiness. I fear my apathy will make my garden a jungle this spring. The one thing that does help is exercise.

Sam

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Checking in after a few days off. Just very apathetic and feeling the winter blues - worst winter for several years - hard to get out even to walk. Oh well.

There are obvious changes I need to make in my life that I am resisting. So I'm still pouring. Drinking some, dumping some. I wish there was a courage pill.

Last night was a perfect example of why, for me, alcohol is a displacement for other action. I was quite hungry by 5pm and told Husband I wanted to eat early. He hates eating early because he's not hungry until later. We often eat different things and cook our meals separately. This is a huge problem for me as I feel very deeply that I would like to cook for both of us.

This has been a BIG problem for many years. I won't bore any readers with the rest of the story but sufficeth to say I was miserable - and poured and drank a glass of wine. And poured another of which half was left.

I was angry with Husband, and angry with myself that I didn't say what I wanted clearly, and then stick to it. His disappointment of us not eating together would have been too hard for me to face - sick but true.

The old story. I fear anger in others. I fear the uncomfortable feelings. So I reverted to the old pattern. He got what he wanted, I didn't, but couldn't speak up for myself.

This is so very hard to explain to others. I hear "for heaven sake, just eat when you are hungry" or "do what you want and let him do what he wants."

If only it were that simple!!!! I'm making myself sick over this. Raising the dose of baclofen is not the answer. The combination with naltrexone has done the job. I am 'indifferent' to alcohol. It does nothing for me except make me feel terrible.

But it's my 'go-to' and how to stop? My original plan was with Lent coming up next week I'd be AF until Easter and then see.

I'm just whining now but at least it's out. Drinking alcohol is the worst thing for me right now. Last night was terrible. My face got red, nose got plugged up from the sulfites, ears got red too, and I felt hot and flushed - nice eh? This is what wine does to me now. I also felt really nasty and angry at poor husband.

He has NO idea about how I feel. We watched a lousy movie with dinner too which I hated. I knew where my awful mood was coming from and I didn't want to spoil his evening too so I did my best to be at least a bit 'normal.' It's so unfair to burden my husband with all this. He really doesn't know what to say when I bring this up. And he's very averse to any confrontation. But he has stated many times when we have discussed this that he's be unhappy if we made any changes in our routine.

That's why I'm the one who always compromises....always do what he wants. I have no other marriage that's quite like mine to compare to so it's hard. I'm just so fed up and want to run away!!

If I had the money I'd spend my winters in Italy, all by myself!! Funny but in that land of wine I would not be drinking.

I may have to do what Skull says - just go AF and start counting days. I have resisted that because I wanted baclofen to be my magic pill but it only goes so far.

But I know it's not magic. I just have to bite the bullet. We'll see.

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi Jazzi -I have resigned my self to post much less -if at all. However, I could not resign myself to stop thinking about you and your thread.

You see, the worst thing in the world -in my opinion- is for an alcoholic is to have to FEEL all alone. To feel like he/she is all alone in this world is a very "lonely" place to be. I know -I have been there.

There is only one thing that I know that is certain: The most important thing for an alcoholic trying to get well is this: You must first look out for your self first. This can make a lot of others uncomfortable at first, but if you don't do this, nothing else will matter anyway. You have to become very selfish in order to begin a real transition. Removing alcohol from your mind and body is very-very difficult -baclofen or not.

I wish you all the best.
SW

[Yourfriend6116]

JMum's Progress Journal

Jmum-sorry you are having a tough go. I'm thinking of you.

[Samandkatharine]

JMum's Progress Journal

Jmum,

Have you thought of going up on your dose? Just asking.

Don't beat yourself up. We've all been there. Spring is almost here, and the sunshine will do you good

Hugs!

Sam

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Have not posted in ages but checking in tonight. Having lots of AF days. Drank some wine last Sunday, and this past Sunday but not otherwise. This is going very well. I'm still at 80mg/day and having headaches now which are a pain (hahaha). I have a history of migraine and am having a bad spell for the last few weeks.

I don't think I can go higher because the dopey feeling, and apathy are not so good - in fact I may titrate down before the end of the month. I want to start going to daily Mass and it will be too hard to get up early if I stay at 80mg.

But overall pretty good. Lent has been wonderful as it's a real incentive - a push to AF days naturally.

Baclofen works. Naltrexone works. But it sure helps me to have a good reason, like Lent, to push AF a little bit. I have always been terrified to force AF but once I get a few under my belt it is quite easy.

But it's the BACLOFEN! Thank God for it!!!!

My goal is to moderate - to have some wine, or whatever, when there is a good reason, or special occasion but I find when i do have a drink it is just nasty and makes me feel awful! I may end up being abstinent by default! What a joke!!!!

Anyway, I'm fine. Another Lenten resolution for me is to love my dear Husband. He needs me to love him, and I want to show him that love. I've done a lot of complaining about my life, and about him, here in this thread - silly really - it's all in my head. I have a good loving husband, and I'm going to be a good loving wife - YIPPEE for baclofen!!

over and out. JMum (PS: if I seem a bit loopy it's the migraine)