JMum's Progress Journal

[Jazi's Mum]

A new year is dawning so it's a good time for me to make some changes. Being accountable here is important, I think, so here goes. :new:

Me: I've always had problems with alcohol. As a teenager I was always the one who got drunk. I drank because of social anxiety and terrible shyness (sound familiar?) In my case though I never developed a tolerance for alcohol. The first glass got me drunk and the rest just got me drunker. I come from a long line of alcoholics: father, brother, uncles and one aunt. And hubby is a good man but he loves to drink and does so daily, controlled except on 'special occasions'!!

As I got older I did have some years sober - marriage (to get away from my parents), birth of two wonderful children. But then reality set in. Divorce, moving back near parents (baaaaaad move!) And drinking became a big part of my life again.

I had some sober years when a counsellor told me I could actually move away from my mother! I was astonished! You mean, I could just pack up the car and the kids, and move? WOW!!! So I did. Moved 2,000 miles away. Then met a man. He was a needy drinker. I drank. Disentangled myself finally.

Then some sober years until I met another man - another drinker. This one was a keeper though. And I did not drink. At first. Then one New Year's Eve we actually did a 10K with backpacks on, with goodies, and a bottle of champers. This was special - the new year 2000, so of course I had to have a glass of champers!!! That was the top of the slippery slope.

Here I sit today. I am very well controlled. I don't get drunk any more (well, maybe 5 times in 10 years but I REALLY suffered for those). I drink responsibly. I only drink 2 glasses, and only once in a while do I have more, or a brandy after.

But this is the thing: I say I'm a controlled drinker but: DRINKING CONTROLS ME AND I WANT TO STOP! I want to be sober 95% of the time. I would like to have a glass of bubbly on my birthday, or Christmas Day or whatever, but I want to stop WANTING!!! :upset:

I've tried Naltrexone using TSM. And naltrexone does what it is supposed to do. But after a sober few months I stopped taking it and I drank, albeit in a controlled way, again. I started because we had company, and this was a particularly stressful anxiety filled time. One glass was all it took.

So then I tried Topamax. That works too. Side effects are terrible though. So after some sober months I stopped taking it. And I drank again, albeit in a controlled way. I used the excuse that I wasn't sure I wanted to stop. Old habits are so hard to break. Yeah right, especially when no effort is made to develop new ones :H

It's become obvious to me that I can be sober. It's also obvious to me that I drink because I can't face my life sober. I'm shy, have lots of anxiety, depression, I'm bored but have no ambition to do anything, my husband dominates my life and I let him - he is good to me and we love each other so I don't want to paint him in a very bad light but he's got a strong personality - and I'm controlling but weak - does that make sense????? I'm controlling over the wrong things, and weak in the wrong areas. I want things to be a certain way but when things don't work out I collapse like a house of cards and just get depressed instead of working to see that things do work out......hey, I'm a depressed, anxiety ridden alcoholic, what can I tell ya...

OK, so what's different now? Well, I've spent the past week reading just about all the pages and posts dealing with baclofen here on MWO. Whew :H

I see myself in so many posts. I realize that I have so much anxiety. I can feel myself sometimes looking out the window to see if any of the neighbours are around before I put the trash out! I hate going to even neighbourhood parties. I feel ugly and fat all the time even though I'm normally ok looking and slim. I can feel my husband looking at me!!! Wha????? I'm terribly self conscious all the time. I play all the old tapes in my head.

So I think baclofen is going to help me. If it works to relax me, as so many here have reported, I'm confident I can stop drinking. There is so much I want to do here at home. But now I spend most of my afternoons thinking about that glass of wine at 5pm. I don't want to start any project because I have that on my mind.

I know everyone who reads this very long post can relate to most of what I've written. My shipment is across the border as I write this. I can't go over to pick it up today because the lines at the crossing are so long and I have to go out to a lunch - tomorrow the lines will be even longer with all the shoppers - then there is Sunday - so MONDAY IS THE DAY!!!!

I plan to keep doing what I'm doing: If my hand reaches out for a glass of wine tonight, tomorrow night and the night after I'm NOT going to beat myself up over it. I know baclofen is going to work for me. I know it is going to work. I will be more confident, have less anxiety, be relaxed, sleep better, and have a calm indifference to alcohol.

So I will be patient until Monday and thereafter. Done for now. Man, I can sure talk but hey, this is MY journal. :new:

[kronkcarr]

JMum's Progress Journal

Yay for you. You have some knowledge of yourself so when you lose your craving for alcohol you'll maybe have a head start on living your life. If your anxiety eases you can look at stopping your old tapes and start being kind to yourself.

Keep posting. Thanks.

[Yourfriend6116]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi J's mum! I'm so glad you posted your story. I can relate to SO many of your feelings (spending from 3pm on planning and waiting on the 5pm glass of wine/ anxiety/etc) I'm on day 6 of my baclofen so we can do this together!!:thanks:

[neophyte]

JMum's Progress Journal

hi Jazi, looking forward to seeing you progress social anxiety, general anxiety and the inability to fall asleep and have panic attacks when i tried to sleep is why i started drinking also and hell it was fun too, for a while. after 3 years it became torment and after 5 years it damanged my psychological health greatly. Baclofen has reduced my desire to consume alcohol, drugs and helped my anxiety greatly.

good luck

[spuddleduck]

JMum's Progress Journal

jazi, just popping by to wish you success on your bac journey. I know it has been a lifesaver for many. you sound really positive about it, yes you know it is going to work for you and so do I.

[MissIndygo]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi mum,

Great to read your first story. Looking forward to many more.
Good luck dear lady
xx

[YouKayBee]

JMum's Progress Journal

I'm a bit confused re the TSM - was your result the result that you went AF?

Some people are saying once TSM works you can drink without Nal in instances where you feel in control.

Me I feel safe one way or the other, and not willing to risk anything by not drinking without nal.

Thanks for posting your journey and your honesty, I think many will get strength from it.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Thanks for stopping by UKB, I'll pop over in your thread and tell my experiences with TSM.

JMum

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Yesterday was interesting in that I was in a social situation that I certainly would not chose if I could have avoided it. My husbands life-long friends had a holiday luncheon that lasted, of course, until 5! If we had not had to come home to feed the dog we'd still be there as Husband was having such a good time. And we only see them all together once a year.

I could tell Husband was going to want LOTS of beer - he just adores his pals and loves to drink beer with them - and I wouldn't spoil that for anything - so of course I told him not to worry and I'd be DD.

I put my game face on and was very social and chatty - as Husband says, I can work a room when I want to, and I do try for his sake. These folks are ok, just I would rather have hidden myself at home where I feel comfortable!!

It occurs to me while I type this that my real self would have just sat there and not said anything to anyone as I find them all boring as all get out. I have not known them for 70 years as Husband has, and I have absolutely nothing to talk to them about. But I smiled and talked about nothing for 4 hours. So much effort and not fun.

I had two glasses of wine and ate a bit. Thank God I'm able to control myself as in the past I might have gotten really drunk because I felt so uncomfortable and needed to "be happy and jolly." When I was growing up I was always making jokes and being sarcastic to cover shyness - no one knew how anxious I was inside.

When we got home I ate a bit. Here is the interesting part of this: Husband and I were sitting watching a movie and I was hungry. Yet I felt guilty because we had been served a huge amount of food earlier. I didn't eat much of it because it was just awful bar food and I won't eat stuff like that. But I felt like I had to explain why I was hungry and make an excuse for myself. ???!!!!

I felt anxiety and self-consciousness!!!!! I certainly did not feel like having any more to drink. BUT I poured out a brandy and sipped at that with my chips and salsa and cookies after.

So what the heck is that all about? Why could I not have said: I'm hungry - period. And gotten out some food and eaten it. With no drink - which I really did not want.

Anxiety and self-consciousness in my own living room? I carry those two 24/7.

Today I feel good because I don't have to go anywhere or talk to anyone. Geez, the more I think about my life and my way of 'being' I really do see a terrible pattern of depression and anxiety. I thought I was over most of this but it's still lurking such that I really only feel calm when I don't have to go anywhere...how sad.

But - Happy Day!!! Monday is baclofen day. Yippee!!!

[spuddleduck]

JMum's Progress Journal

jmum, well done on coping with your hubbys do. I think social anxiety and anxiety/depression in general seems o be a common theme for a lot of us. I wonder whether the drink causes this or the issues are there anyway and we drink to cope with these feelings.
I still make jokes and be sarcastic to cover the uncomfortable feelings I have inside, in fact I probably over compensate and can be quite inappropriate at times. for instance I end up cracking bad jokes at job interviews and as for my dads funeral earlier this year... my punch line was 'yeah we found my dad a bit dead on the floor'. I guess I also physically hide away as well, like you say you would rather have stayed home. anyhow, not long till bac day.

[kronkcarr]

JMum's Progress Journal

spuddleduck,

You and I have a lot in common and you post it so well. Before baclofen I would never have thought I was anxious. I just was. I do think alcohol eased my anxiety at gatherings. I also think that alcohol jazzed me and picked my mood up.

My family was very sarcastic. A few years ago I was in marriage counseling and the therapist told me that sarcasm was hurtful to the receipient. I'd had no idea. As I went up on baclofen I became sensitive to sarcasm and mostly stopped using it. The hardest part for me being sober is speaking up to someone who doesn't understand or want to understand what I'm saying. I don't crave alcohol but, if I'm not paying attention I could see drinking around this. It comes back to the fact that baclofen can take our obsession, our craving for alcohol away but it doesn't teach us how to navigate through life.

[Yourfriend6116]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hey, J's mum---I totally started drinking to be more comfortable in social settings and I still do that. I think it's cause I always feel like I'm not as good as everyone else and the alcohol makes me feel better and more worthy. I'm proud of you for just having 2! I'd never been able to stick to just that. Way to go! I think lots of us carry a huge amount of anxiety even in the comfort of our own home...odd, right? Tomorrow is the day for you! Where do you live in Canada? I lived in Calgary for 4 years. My drinking was horrible there! It is such a drinking town...or was for me : )

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Yourfriend, We lived in Calgary for 25 years! Now I'm in the Niagara Peninsula. I miss the West and all the sunshine a lot.

One of the benefits for me here is that I can be across the US border in about 15 minutes and now that I have a US Parcel Delivery Address I can have things shipped there. Otherwise I would have to ship my drugs to friends in the US and have them re-wrap and re-ship. And that just adds up to 2 weeks to the delivery date.

I have to confess that I'm not all that enthusiastic about giving up drinking forever!!!! I guess we all feel that way. What will I do when that hour rolls around and I feel I don't want to face the rest of the day without my "calm-in-a-glass"?

So I'm pinning my hopes that baclofen will give me the calm I need to stay away from wine. I'm so close to quitting!!! But I'm allowing myself to have the wine until baclofen does it's thing in my brain. No more struggling every night and failing, then promising myself again the next morning that I won't drink.

That's just a recipe for depression for me. Anyway - time to feed the dog and think about dinner. We've got tons of turkey left over and it's just got to be used up or out it goes. My husband thinks you can eat leftovers for weeks!!!! I end up throwing things away behind his back because I know there is a limit to everything....it's a wonder he didn't give himself food poisoning before I married him.

Thanks for stopping by.

[Yourfriend6116]

JMum's Progress Journal

That's what I'm trying to do---not beat myself up so badly about drinking. I'm counting my drinks and journaling my dosage and stuff to help me be a tad bit accountable.

[skullbabyland]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi Jmum- agree with Spud, well done with the big party with your husband's buddies. It's often not easy to be the social, dynamic personality, especially without alcohol, but sometimes it seems we are called to step up and put on a good face, to do so. If it helps, I can definitely relate to how boring and lame it can feel to have to socialize about nothing at all, boring topics, etc, for hours at a time... I find it really draining and often need a day or so to myself just to "recharge the batteries".

As to the weird anxiety and insecurity in situations where we would otherwise feel just fine, such as at home when you wanted to just eat a meal....isn't that weird how that can just come up and hit us out of nowhere? Anxiety can be such a torture sometimes. It just sucks. All we can do is deal with it best we can ("Do Your Best", the Fourth Agreement), and try to arm ourselves with the tools we need to deal better in the future, which you're doing.

Best of luck, especially with your bac coming tomorrow. I'll keep reading and posting.